How To Get And Give Gifts To The Gays In Your Life
The Gay, Gay, Gayer Than Gay Gift Giving Guide
(Or how to shop for your gay friends and relations)
Are you worried about that gift you need to buy for the gay in your life? Do you wonder if it's the right color for this season? Are you asking yourself if brown really is the new black? Are you not sure if it's fabulous enough? Do you think it has to be gay themed or made by someone who is gay for them to like it? Or are you just completely stumped? Well, as someone whose grandmother never went to someone's house for dinner where she didn't pick up the china to see who made it (the same thing with gifts), let me help you through these pink, prickly waters to pick the perfect present! (Don't you just love alliteration?)
While I know it's hard to believe there are some gays out there who don't love musical theatre. I know, I know, I don't trust these gays (and I have to believe that they have a closet full of old soundtracks from The Rink and the Tommy Tune version of Bye, Bye Birdie) but I must acknowledge that they are out there...and lying. So the first thing you should cross off your list are Broadway soundtracks and there are two reasons for doing this, 1) the gay probably all ready has it and 2) this is the stocking stuffer or little present the boyfriend always gets for the gay because 1) he knows what's missing in the collection and 2) it doubles his own Broadway collection without having to say he's buying it for himself. Now buying Broadway tickets is another story though you have to deal with dates and where they like to sit, okay, I take it back, don't buy tickets.
On a budget? Childhood gifts always hit the right note. While some gays may not have had a wonderful childhood, most remember the games of youth fondly so a retro gift of either Kerplunk, Lite Brite or the new deluxe edition of Clue is always a safe and good bet. (They also are the easiest thing in the world to re-gift - you never have to worry if it's outdated like that gift basket from Hickory Farms you got last year and you're desperately trying to see a date on the cheese log without unwrapping it so you can give it to someone this year.) While these types of gifts may seem kitchy, they're always a hit and solicit so many "oohs" and "ahhs" when opened because everyone in the room has a different memory of these games. While Cousin Mary is thinking about when she lost the block Kerplunk championship, your gay recipient is thinking about that time when next door neighbor Timmy dressed up like Miss Scarlett and had him in the dining room with his lead pipe!
If it looks expensive but it's not, it's good gift giving (not Chiffon, the old butter substitute). Though chiffon material is usually used for this article of clothing for women, a good scarf can go a long way. That's right you don't have to worry about wool or acrylic. As long as it is soft, has a nice pattern and comes in a nicely wrapped box your worries are over. The reason a scarf is so good to gift is that they look more expensive than they usually are (go for the cashmeresque one - feels like cashmere but no cashmeres lost their lives to make it - imagine how "green" you'll seem for that choice?) you don't have to worry about the size as it's one size fits all, it's the girlyest men's accessory that's acceptable to wear and nine times out of ten the gay will put it on immediately, jauntily throwing one end over the opposite shoulder and while his hand is up on his shoulder and his face turned in profile, it always makes for the perfect holiday photo of a gay. Be warned, if after opening the box they take the scarf out and kvell more over the box than the scarf itself, it's going to an ex-boyfriend in a different box by the end of the week. (This way he rarely has to see it and at the same time it forces the ex to wear it every time they see one another because he still feels guilty for the indiscretion that ended the relationship...the night the gay came home one night to find the ex with a go go boy who was wearing nothing but the gay's underwear screaming, "Ugh, these are really your boyfriend's? I'm swimming in them like they're grandma panties! I didn't know you were a chubby chaser! What the hell are you doing with me? I'm as gay thin as they come! Hey let's see if we can both fit in them at the same time!")
Finally, don't go for the overtly gay cliché gifts. You know which ones I'm talking about. As we speak I have a box filled with the naked man ironing board cover, the "his and his" towel set and a gay marriage bar of soap that has two plastic guys in tuxedos in it that is a bit like the old owl in the tootsie pop commercial - "How many licks does it take to get to the center? One, <slurp>, two <slurp>, three <drop> - THREE, three slurps til you drop the soap and someone gets to your center" (or at least it feels that way). No, find the clever gifts that are more worthy of "wink, wink, nudge, nudge status" those always raise an eyebrow and a chuckle. When it comes to these gifts, no one does it better than my pals Phyllis and Tim at MikWright ( http://www.mikwright.com/ )! Whether it be a mug that has the photo of a guy with his foot up and the boat behind him largely displaying the word, "Queen" with the phrase under it "say no more." Or a coaster with little ol' me on it in drag when I was six with the phrase "morty, it's time to have a word with your son...again." Everyone loves these types of gifts and no one has to feel uncomfortable when they're opened in mixed company. Because those who know will get it and those who don't teach, I mean preach, I mean...well, they'll just smile and nod and go along with the crowd!
The most important thing to remember when gifting for gays is that not all gays are considered equal (and not just in the eyes of the law). That's right, although they may be gay, feel no pressure that they may be more critical than straights because as we all know, gays are easily distracted and attracted to shiny objects (how else do you explain Christopher Radko ornaments?). And remember that some things are cliché because they're true. If you give a Swiss army knife to a gay they'll always be the most impressed by the tiny nail file. If you give them cake or food they'll never eat it because they're trying to become or stay gay thin. But if you give them any of the above they'll love you forever because good gift giving means never having to put a gift receipt in the box!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com
More by this Author
Here I thought that there would be certain phrases that we would never have to hear again. You know, like "Cowabunga" from when the Simpsons first came out or "What's uaaaaaaaaaaap?" from that...