I Am A Web Geek

My favorite childhood pasttime

My first teething ring...

(if you look closely you may see some gnaw marks)
(if you look closely you may see some gnaw marks)
 

I'm an addicted webcrawler. There! I finally admitted it and I have to say I feel a lot better for it. The thing is...I'm really good at it. Go ahead...have a seat there next to me and we'll see who can come up with the cheapest flight from Oslo to Auckland. It'll make you weep. Even my own husband, Mr. Geek God, has acknowledged (albeit with a mere grunt) my natural oneness with googledom.

Instinctively, unlike a mere amateur, I know searching the term "manhole" will mire me in porn purgatory for hours of time that I will never be able to get back. Instead I google terms like "Underground Electrical Access Cover" Sure, all of those words will still somehow manage to bring up some rather interesting porn sites, but the number is noticeably less.

It's the words...

I'm a writer, or have delusions at times of being one...and a bookworm. Raised on Sunday crossword puzzles, I cut my first teeth on a bracelet made of Scrabble tiles. Words are my life...sad, huh? I know a lot of words...big words...and just to throw the fear of whatever being you worship into you...I can even spell them.

Well...most of them. I just wish you hadn't brought up the spelling bee incident of 1972. One hundred and ten annoying little nerds...err...students vying for the title of Spelling Bee Champion of New Mexico. I came in fifty-fifth place...undone by the word rehabilitation. My spellchecker has assured me once again that I will never...ever...misspell that word as long as I draw breath. It wasn't a total loss since the boy next to me was really kinda cute and who cared about some dumb old spelling bee with Reuben (it said so on his name tag) standing beside me...

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes...web-crawling with good words.

Why is knowing the right words important? Think of all of those lovely tags floating out there in cyber space. The internet isn't like a fast food menu board. You can't point to the #7 combo like you do at McDonald's and expect that you'll get exactly what you ordered. Come to think of it, you really can't be guaranteed to get what you ordered at McDonald's either...but that's a different hub.

There are two basic types of...no make that three types of people out there in cyberspace:

The Salesman

...does this scream "trust me" to you?
...does this scream "trust me" to you?

The Salesman

  • No matter what this person is peddling...whether it's porn or god, they will use tags just to pull you in. They'll use words like vagina, blow job, penis, smile and erection. Doesn't that just piss you off when you are doing important research on facial expressions? However...there are ways to avoid this trap. Salesmen really aren't big on synonyms...especially if the synonyms are complex and have more than three syllables. Being multi-lingual helps too. So for example instead of searching on the term "smile" and falling victim to The Salesman, I will just do a search on "Translation of the Spanish word sonrisa." I'm sure it's possible that I might accidentally get slammed with Spanish porn...but it is foreign porn and therefore more interesting anyway.

The Expert

He'd love it if you gave him a big Thumb's Up!
He'd love it if you gave him a big Thumb's Up!

The Expert

  • This is the person you are actually hoping to find on the web. He knows this and he's reaching out to you...see how hard he is reaching? His tags are as specific as possible and because he is an expert he'll use terminology that you would only know if you were truly interested in the subject. Anyone can search on the word "cheese"...but only a serious cheese fanatic would think to google the word "gorgonzola." People with large vocabularies or useless knowledge of obscure facts will always manage to zero in on The Expert's site before the average user. While Mr. Average is mired down in The Salesman's sites, or even worse, The Crap sites...Ms. Word Geek has booked the last two seats on the cheapest flight from Oslo to Auckland, hired a car and booked the last room in the city. Sucks to be Mr. Average.

The Crap Artist

This is unfortunately, Mr. Average...
This is unfortunately, Mr. Average...

The Crap Artist

  • The internet deluded people into thinking because they know a few words and have an opinion or an interesting hobby like gopher stalking, the rest of the world needs to know about it. Yep...people just like me. A lot of these people, unfortunately are rather...stupid. They're lives are duller than a plastic knife from KFC, they can't spell and to make up for their basic illiteracy, they've invented their own language. Not all of the crap is bad crap though. Hubpages, for example (and not wanting to miss a really great opportunity to kiss butt) is mostly good crap bordering on occasionally great crap. However, just like in the previous listed Expert, you'll need to know the good words to find the good crap.

This can prove a bit tricky to the expert of the Crap Artists. It's instinctual for them to use good words as their tags to draw the cream of the crop into their site. Unfortunately, we're living in a skim milk world folks. There ain't a whole hell of a lot of cream out there.

My advice is very simple...dumb it down. Instead of using words like "hirstute"...try "hairy"...or "lots of hair." Remember, the less syllables, the better. Try to account for possible grammatical and spelling errors, as in "lost of here" or "lots of hare." Trust me, I feel your pain. You want more traffic, don't you? Yes...I thought so.

My idea of the holy book...

Good words...cover to cover!
Good words...cover to cover!

So there you have it folks. If you want to be a serious web-crawler like myself, you have to know a lot of words. Big words, small words, adjectives, synonyms and obscure facts all help you to find what you really want to find out there in cyberspace. It's there...everything...I know, I've found it.

And now, you'll have to excuse me...my boss is swearing at his computer again and calling my name. Sounds like a job for Ms. Word Geek...

This is NOT Reuben...but it should have been me!

Photo by permanently scatterbrained
Photo by permanently scatterbrained

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Comments 25 comments

spryte profile image

spryte 5 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

*preps the microchip gun thingie* All I need is one shot...and I'll try to make it as painless as possible...really.


~neveranotter~ 5 years ago

registration is so overrated and I refuse to wear another tag around my neck x


spryte profile image

spryte 5 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

LOL Otter...if they only had an inkling of what has just landed here (albeit unregistered) they'd be all over you...and probably learn to love you as i do. :)


~notanotter~ 5 years ago

I got lost and started reading shadytree and christmas rays commtents, cotments, commerments ...what they wrote, now my head hurts...


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Actually I really liked spaghettios instead...but I did like Alpha-bits, the cereal. :) Thanks compu!


compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 8 years ago from London UK

GR8 Hub .

You must love Alphabet soup...


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Desire is half the battle profiler! LOL! Let me know what it's like when you get there...I'm still working on it.


profiler profile image

profiler 8 years ago from Currently in this universe

Since I was enlightened I will now try to ascend to the rank of great crap :D


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

*waves to agvulpes*

Chef Jeff :) That's always nice to hear, especially from you!


Chef Jeff profile image

Chef Jeff 8 years ago from Universe, Milky Way, Outer Arm, Sol, Earth, Western Hemisphere, North America, Illinois, Chicago.

Yeah, I'm with you on this one, Spryte!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

Hay Sprite, wore yellcome.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

My favorite bumper stickers: "I'm one epiphany short of a paradigm shift"

or "Militant Agnostic: I don't know and you don't either"


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

"Eschew obfuscation."    

Best bumper sticker I ever saw.  :P


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Five years?!! You've got my curiosity piqued and then tell me that I have to wait five years??!! Haven't you figured out that spryte has all the patience of a child and that five years sounds like forever...and a day? (I had to tack on the "...and a day" part because Christmas is forever away and I have a feeling you are talking about some time after Christmas).

*sigh*

Thank you for making a smiley face exception for me :) Now I feel like we have a special understanding. I'll work on the secret handshake next.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Oh...I can find one! Bet on it! It's funny, i'm kind of half way working on a hub about family coats of arms (crests) but it requires me doing a lot of graphics, and I'm re-learning how to do some of that stuff in my GIMP program. In it, I would make "fake" family crests for a very few of the people I know here on hubpages. Naturally, I have already given some thought to what yours will look like. Look for it in about 5 years!

Oh! P.S. I have never in my life put one of those smiley face punctuation things at the end of a sentence. I have simply refused. I make an exception for you :)


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Christoph - Okay...so I'll admit, I read your reply twice. The first time I got all twitchy...and the second time, I laughed...a lot. Obviously the first layer of braincells aren't firing properly and I may have to replace them. Thank god for the back-up braincells. :)

Promise me when you are picked as hubber of the week that you'll research your background thoroughly before writing your "Love me...love my hubs" piece. I'm hoping that somewhere you'll find a familial link and I can claim to be related to you... :)

And thank you for all of your kind words :))


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

My Dear Ms. Spryte:

I ask your excusal for my brief comment of evening last, but having checked out my direct link to the Universal Time Chronograph, known to laymen as the Atomic Clock, I came to the disheartening discovery that I was in dire and critical need of respite and rejuvination. After attaining said revitalization, and my morning beverage derived from the bean of the Jamaican coffee tree, darkly roasted, freshly ground, and jet steamed as espresso, I now feel more than capable of a meaningful entry in this journal.

Available evidence would tend to indicate that it is not unreasonable to suppose that maintaining a reserve of synonyms, antonyms, definitions and entomological origins can, indeed, expand the very uses – whether intellectual, scientific, or simply practical – of words. In addition to the quantitative enlargement, it is not improbable that there is need also for qualitative improvement in the uses of said words, in order to receive maximum services for the words we proffur on a daily basis.

The fact of rapid deterioration of language skills by today's youth directly corresponds to a myriad of social and economic ills currently confronting society as a whole, and only supposition can identify the future effects of this deplorable condition. It has been evidenced repeatedly that a lack of the skills only exacerbates the condition of the unemployable, and when the skill is not activated or engaged it soon converts the employed into the unemployable.

I should like for a moment to address your comment to Mr. Shadesbreath, if I may. Nearly all operations in the language skills lend themselves to performance by machine. In some case studies (Harvard, 2006) all grades of these convertible language programs can – if used judiciously – increase usage in significant quality involving a very substantial amout of work tirelessly performed by the programs in question. As you can extrapolate from my entry, I have no need of such programs.

It has been my first hand experience that “judicious use” is a key factor in converting machine-speak to understandable human language. This quagmire of verbosity is not limited to computer programs. It has long been an issue in the scientific communities – including social sciences. So pervasive is their nominclature, that their papers are rendered incomprehensible to others. Samuel T. Williamson wrote:

“The trouble with social science does not lie in it's special vocabulary. Those words are doubtless chosen with great care. The trouble is that too few social scientists take enough care with words outside their special vocabularies.” Here, here.

In short, I only wish to add, Great Hub! I love to read your stuff because A: It's well organized, B: It's always interesting, and C: It's funny! Good work!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Christoph: :P - That's all I have to say to you...at the moment.

Talented: LOL! Thank you! I don't think you'll find a Scrabble teething ring at Babies R Us either...

agvulpes - Heheh! Tank Ewe!? :)

misty - Thank you :) I've heard a rumor that Shadesbreath is actually running Lawyer v 3.8 which converts normal conversation into complete intellectual gibberish. :)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Excellent Hub and very funny. Great read and has doubled my vocabulary thanks to Shadesbreath :)


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 8 years ago from Australia

I'm a Cryptic fanatic myself, although not very good, I always seam to get my merds wuddled.

Grate hub .


talented_ink profile image

talented_ink 8 years ago from USA

I really did like this and I guess my biggest question is how did you get a scrabble teething ring? I just don't see Babies R Us making that. lol


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 8 years ago from St. Louis

Hi...there...very...good...hub...must...learn...words...more...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

Indubitably.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

So...ya wanna come over some time and do a crossword puzzle with me?

And thank you...although I'm a little hurt that you question the integrity of my journalism *sniffle*


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

This hub invites interpretive extrapolation to auger beyond its obvious intrinsic merits as to the motivation that spawned or drew its muse. No recalcitrant social malignancy catalyzed such introverted cogitation and, barring malfeasance on the part of some particular entity, this rumination on grammar and multisyllabics – ironic as the very term might be — suggests, at least in wayward and insubstantiated obfuscation, that there might be something more.

Or something. :)

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