Ladies Please Don't Tell Me It's Sequined Holiday Sweater Season All Ready?!
I was coming out of the grocery store this morning and there she was, this woman in her mid to late forties full up of I guess the holiday spirit but in fact it was one of those huge bulky circa 1980's sweaters that was covered from neck to waist in large, small and medium sized sequins, payettes and spangles. She had it all, the very black liquid eye liner expertly and widely applied only under her eyes (which always makes someone look like a mental patient to me) and her "wet look" curly permed hair that was beyond the shoulder in its stringy glory that she no doubt thought made her look youthful in its solid black dyed color but really just made her look like she was wearing pubic hair on her head that had grown to a thin and long length. But it was all about the sweater for her and now that my eyes were damaged by it for me too. She looked like one of those really cheap Christmas ornaments where some of the glitter has worn off and you can see the tracks of clear glue that was used to hold the glitter on it but now that the glitter has worn off, the glue has a piece of tinsel attached to it from last year and some dog fur. And as she glided past me all I could think was, "Ladies, please don't tell me it's wear your tacky sequined sweater top season all ready?" - Don't Get Me Started!
I know that everyone needs a little glamour but how any woman large or small can think that these sweaters are a good option is just beyond me. And I don't think that if they were even good quality (made by Bob Mackie) that these sequined tops are right for anyone other than Liza Minnelli at her latest comeback show. Let's face it, sequined "tops" were designed for cabaret performers (female and male - God rest Peter Allen's soul and Neil Diamond's wherever he is today) and not for the common folk. I know that you ladies like to wear them for an evening out or holiday parties and most especially on New Years Eve but for all our sakes please make a resolution this year to put away the sequins and wear something that looks good on you but doesn't make you look like the back of a Sparkletts water truck! Okay, we've taken care of the sequined top issue now let's deal with these themed holiday sweaters.
I have a friend who has always fought me on the whole holiday sweater thing to begin with as she had always wanted one and when she finally got her wish and got the sweater with the three dimensional little gifts with bows all over it and I think a Christmas tree at the waist (because that's a slimming thing to have on your waist) the first time she wore it I burst out into laughter and although I'm sure she has worn it again (and again and again, as holiday sweater wearers are want to do) she never wore it around me again. (I do have to mention at this point that it is normally you Christians wearing these sweaters and not us Jews. Probably not because of better fashion sense, though I'd like to believe this is the case or that Jews don't love sequins, it's just that you can make Christmas trees tiny and everyone gets what it is while tiny menorahs tend to just look like pitch fork from the deviled ham can - which is not Kosher!)
You see, I'm not pretending to be some fashion guru with my own show on TLC (although if someone wants to give me my own show then by all means contact me immediately, I'm ready) but these holiday sweaters just don't make sense to me. I don't care that you think you look cute in it or that you like that they come over your butt that you think makes you look thinner but in actuality it just highlights your butt because there's a God damned reindeer on your ass for Chrissakes. What is wrong with you people? Am I the only one who sees this or gets this?
Hey, maybe these people just don't know that they look awful (so of course, I'm more than wiling to let them know about it). Just because Jeanne (the "Head Quack" from the Quacker Factory - a woman who sells her clothing line on QVC while she herself wears an Olivia Newton-John "Physical" headband as wide as my waist when she's three hundred pounds and while I'm sure it does catch sweat it's not from any kind of physical exercise) just because there are manufacturers like Jeanne making it, doesn't mean you should buy it much less wear it.
Oh little town of Internet readers we must put a stop to this and do it this holiday season. So I need your help. It's time for drastic measures. I want you to forward this blog to anyone in your life who owns, has ever worn or knows someone who has worn a holiday sweater (with or without glitz). Together we can make a difference. Screw being more "green" saving the environment, saving chinchillas or any other critter for ten minutes and let's save some acrylics who are being slaughtered unmercifully to make these holiday abominations against our Lord, Fashion Sense! Amen.
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com
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