Letters From Amos Jebediah Lee - Good Ol' Bumpus

My Sweet Brethren Bumpus,

I have not spoken with you in many moons. How are you brother? I wrote to Bucky a month ago, but have yet to recieve his correspondence. Did ya'll get that truck runnin? He's been busy with the automatic corn shucker I'm sure, and I understand that. If you talk to him tell him to send a line to A.J. How have you been? What did the doctor say about the growth on your belly? You know Bumpus, you need to wash up a little bit more than you do. We've gone over this. I hope you are in the midst of speedy recovery. I miss my kinfolk. I miss you Bumpus. Speaking of kinfolk, we have a new baby boy on his way. Corn whiskey will do some wondrous things. We've decided to name him Farm-All, like the tractor, in honor of the many acres we've sowed over the years. A good crop indeed. In this manner he will have no limitations, and will not be confused in a world full of Michaels and Davids. Plus I like Farm-All, it's a good tractor, and I've never had problems getting parts for them. His mother, my second wife Abigail, is very excited about his arrival. The other wives are happy too, but not nearly as vocal. Abigail is puking at night and keeping us all up but we understand. Everyone is different I suppose. It's been rough to say the least. She'll be hollaring and Marla Sue will start kicking me. It's not easy on me brother. I'll wake up and make Abigail a glass of buttermilk or I'll play butterfly music on my fiddle, this usually calms her down. She's been heavy on the barbituates again. She says it's strawberry yogurt. I know better. It's her cousin Milfred up in the hills. I outta beat his ass. He still owes me $50 dollars for the drive-axle I sold him. She likes it though, but I am very discouraged. It's not becoming of a proper lady. She'll speak in tongues, like an Indian shaman would on the plains. I've been meaning to record it and give it to my nephew to post on the internet. U-Tube? Is that right? I'm still new to all this, you'll have to forgive me. When she gets going off the "yogurt", she'll tell me about coming back from outer space as an elephant, traveling the solar system. They land in the front yard she tells me. I keep looking outside but they're not here yet. It's kind of a bummer. I wish I had some of that yogurt.

We're excited Bumpus nonetheless. They'll be another hand available to help plow the fields. Corns growing like mad here. Sweet Utah fresh corn. I'll cook you up some. You need to come up here and bring your camera. You know I like it when you take pictures. I would embrace you in a most prolific hug, to feel your warm hands upon my back, exactly. That made you feel good thinking about that didn't it? Bumpus, you and the family get on back here to Denton before the baby comes. Tell Molly Ann that she can ride my horse, as long as she don't cuss at it and call him names. Tinkertot is partial to those things. He's a smart horse. You know that. They'll be supper, good eatin' at that. Momma told me to tell you she's recorded all of the Matlock episodes for you and they'll be waiting when you get here. Aight then. Gonna zip it up and head on out. You give me a hollar when you can bud.

- Amos Jebediah Lee

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Ya'll want to holler at me? Why you looking at me like that? 1 comment

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twohandtouch 8 years ago from Everywhere!

hahahahaaahahah

That's all I can comment. hahahahhaaa

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