AWESOME Reasons To Have A Cardboard Cut-Out Person In Your Life

1) Lying to your parents about your love life.

If your parents are anything like mine they always want emails and updates of your life AND if your mother is exactly like mine then you'll get "So have you met anyone special yet?" Way to rub it in, MOM! Sending photos of you and your cardboard cut-out significant other will put your parent's minds at ease and they can stop theorizing that they'll never have grandchildren in their Christmas letters to other family members.

I don't think they'll buy it. Try again.
I don't think they'll buy it. Try again.

2) getting extra gifts for Christmas

If you're like me then you probably have family that live far away which means Christmas is delivered by postman pat and not Santa. If they think that you have a steady significant other (mainly because you've been sending photos of you and your cardboard buddy to your parents to shut them up) it's quite possible they will send a little something extra for your "special friend". Be sure to inform them that your partner LOVES video games and moon shoes.

3) car pooling.

     In a rush to get to work but the traffic is far too intense? It's not uncommon to be still in traffic, waiting forever, as you stare at the empty lane you would love all-too-much to pull into. Don't fret, you'll never get pulled over if there is more than one person in the car and this is where a cardboard cut-out person comes in handy. Then again, NOT owning a cardboard cut-out person could insure that you might actually have friends in the vehicle 

4) Making money.

     Getting a cardboard cut-out of a celebrity can really rake in the cash. All you have to do is put them in some compromising positions, at the site of a staged accident, or in the window of a rehab center, take a photo, and sell it to the tabloids for millions of dollars. Okay, I'll admit that this one is mean but I still stand by it because the "awesome factor" far out weighs my sense of humanity and the cost of my tuition. 

Santa is a celebrity... right?
Santa is a celebrity... right?

5) Anti-theft device.

     Prop them up in a front window, add some drapes so no one will know the difference, and way to go. That way there will always appear to be someone home even when you're not. It reminds me of Home Alone... 

6) pleading insanity in the court of law

Anyone that has a cardboard cut-out person is clearly needs 'INSANE' stamped on their forehead.

7) taking an extra lunch break.

Do you work in a cubical or office with a lot of glass so that people will notice when it is empty? Fear not, your cardboard alter ego will finish that report... or at least make it look like you have been working on it.

...

WHAT? YOU HAVEN'T STARTED THAT REPORT YET? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MESSING AROUND ON THE INTERNET?!

"The photocopier is low on toner... baaaaaby!"
"The photocopier is low on toner... baaaaaby!"

This technique can be applied to many versatile work environments. 

Trust me, no one will notice.
Trust me, no one will notice.

8) A cheap and legal sacrifice to the devil.

Did you wish for your favorite football team to win the super bowl and now the devil wants your soul? No worries, a soul is a soul and if you offer the devil a different one I'm sure he won't mind. Offer up you cut-out pal and then run like hell because he's going to catch on pretty quick. (WOW, best bullshit answer ever. Yay me.)

9) some one to play video games with... and you always win.

It's really more satisfying than you think.

10) To keep your lame best friend company when you get a girl/boyfriend. One of my biggest problems is juggling people. Often times my roommate/best friend is left to her own devices when I'm working or my boyfriend is around. Sorry, Kris, the one with the penis wins. Propping a cardboard cut-out person for her should do the trick.

I raped your face book specifically for this photo :)
I raped your face book specifically for this photo :)

The only problem is when she's inviting people over to meet her cool, new best friend Hannah Montana.

 

Want to make your own cardboard cut-out? Try this site. It'll blow any image up to awesome sizes where you can print it off on normal paper. Once you have your image assembled you can glue it to cardboard and cut it out. If you guys make one of your own take it to a party, put it in your car, just do something awesome and tell us about it! 

 

Be sure to check out some of my other articles :)

A Hilarious Guide to Facebook Friend Requests

Top Ten Things To Consider Before Becoming an Exotic Dancer

Learn Another Language With Free Podcasts

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Comments 15 comments

rockinjoe profile image

rockinjoe 7 years ago from Standing right behind you!

and I thought I was seriously whacked in the head until I met you. You're amazing.


Houellebecq profile image

Houellebecq 7 years ago from Newfoundland Author

...am I really that crazy? Ha ha.


Earl S. Wynn profile image

Earl S. Wynn 7 years ago from California

This made me laugh. I love it!


Kris. 7 years ago

I seriously hate you all of the time.


Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

What rockingjoe said: I though HE was seriously wacked in the head until you came along! Laugh! Sorry rockinjoe, no bad feelings, really, but this chica is something else!


Houellebecq profile image

Houellebecq 7 years ago from Newfoundland Author

KRIS, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSE TO POST AND LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU'RE REAL!

You're an enigma, dammit!


Erick Smart 7 years ago

Perfect!! Now my mom won't ask who I am dating anymore. Matter of fact she probably will not ask me anything anymore.


ParadigmShift... profile image

ParadigmShift... 7 years ago from San Jose, CA

These ARE awesome reasons... I've got another one though. No more worrying about farting in public!! Now you have someone to point (not pull) the finger of blame! And how about bank robberies? You can have a whole cut-out crew of thugs with guns! Yay!

I think I want one of Batman to put on my rooftop, for security.


Houellebecq profile image

Houellebecq 7 years ago from Newfoundland Author

You are a golden god, sir.


imadork profile image

imadork 7 years ago from St. Peters, MO

Reminds me of an old Steve Martin movie called The Lonely Guy. There is a seen where a friend of his was having a party. Steve Martin showed up at the party and all the guests were cardboard stand ups of celebs. Great movie!


lumberjack profile image

lumberjack 7 years ago

i have a george w bush cut out because he's great


Houellebecq profile image

Houellebecq 7 years ago from Newfoundland Author

...that's sarcasm... right?


Karraline profile image

Karraline 7 years ago

Oh my god, this is awesome


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I have a George W Bush cut out... on my firing range! Hint. He's the target!


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