Reviews That I Hate

I am part of many writing sites, and reviewing has always been my forte. I enjoy sharing my experiences, providing insight, and hopefully help with purchasing decisions. I'm no expert, but I sure as hell can point out a well written review, and a review that is nothing but a waste of bandwidth.

I'm not here to nitpick grammar though, because my grammar is pretty choppy as well. I'm just here to point out things that I have seen in the land of reviewing that I absolutely find retarded, stupid, lame, asinine, and .... insert shitty word here....

First I will say that nobody, and I mean NOBODY wants to read a fucking review on a Reese's Pieces Peanut Butter Cup.

You are a douche-bag piece of ass if you honestly have ever written a review on candy.

If you honestly think nobody in this living world has ever had a peanut butter cup you're a moron. I'm on to your game though, you're sorry ass if after clicks, and comment praising. You are really a fucking egotistical ass-wipe.

I will however read a review on candy if that candy does something spectacular like, explodes in your mouth, causes massive diarrhea, or does something out of the norm. I will also sometimes read candy/food reviews on Limited Edition pieces... anything else is just a waste of space.

-The next review that I have seen time and time again are the fucktarts who review Atari games.

Seriously...really? Have you just run out of shit to write about?

If you find yourself stooping to writing a review on a fucking Atari game yah may as well just stop writing all together. Go buy Pez, I'd rather read about your opinion on Pez, than your opinion on an Atari game.

Another disgusting review I come across has been the TAMPON REVIEW!!!

Seriously you disgusting filthy wenches, do you honestly think anyone wants to read about your experiences on shoving a cork up your P-holes in order to stop your hatched egg from soiling your panties!?

While I'm on the topic of vagina's... do know that I am also not interested in ANY reviews on vibrators!

Yes ladies and gents, these reviews do exist, and we all know why though don't we?

The desperate housewife who wrote the review is after attention, hits, money, comment praising, and is probably very, very obtuse in size; otherwise she'd not be writing that there sex toy review to begin with now would she?

Other reviews that I am also very sick and fucking tired of seeing are reviews on soup.

Seriously, if you need to read a review on a $1.50 can of soup before you buy it, your a bigger douche-bag than the housewife who wrote the review! Unless that soup makes my tits grown, leave it in your cabinet and shut up about it.

The list goes on and on...

Shoes....

ugh...

First of all, every shoe fits differently for every person. I do not want to hear about how comfy, or how uncomfy your crocs are. It's a waste of space on the Internet, which is already cluttered with mindless drivel...why add a review on your fucking crocs? I wouldn't even admit to owning a pair of the ugly fuckers... yet you're raving about them in a 10 page review. Seriously, get a fucking job. Google Adsense would be shamed knowing they were giving you a profit off of shit like this.

On the Internet, we also have a collection of retards who write movie reviews. See I love me a good movie review... but if the review has killed the ending by giving away who dies, who lives, and who the killer is, you deserve to be sued, than shot, then shit on. I like movie reviews, I hate assholes who don't know how to write them. Word to the wise... don't give the goddamn ending away!

This one goes out to all of the douche-bags who wrote a review on the Nintendo Wii, then they wrote a separate review on the Nintendo Wii's remote controller, and then a separate review on the Nun-chuck remote, and then a separate review on the Wii Sports game that CAME with the Wii, then they wrote a review on the Wii Sensor bar.

People like this just try to milk the shit out of one simple product. God forbid they just include all of that boring babble into one review... no,they want to go spreading their shit around into 10 separate pages. Don't worry though, these asses will also provide 30 links at the bottom of their review. These links will take you to a new review, which technically should of been part of that ONE review. Ugh.

Another pointless waste of bandwidth review goes to the buttfaces who write reviews on toilet paper!

See for me, toilet paper has always been one, or the other. Hard, and good for wiping, or soft and leaves residue in my ass crack.

However come across a toilet paper review, and you will have 1000 words about all of the wonderful uses this butt wiper has found for the toilet paper. Everything from cleaning dishes, wiping faces, wiping butt, wiping windows...

People who write reviews like this are called fluffers. They know that there is only around 20 words that can be used to describe this toilet paper (ex. I wiped my ass with this. It left clumps in my ass, and broke. I got poop on my hands. The end.)... but the minimum word requirement is 400 words. So they fill their review with bullshit, fluff, and diarrhea.

Other reviews that I have come across feature stupid common shit like paperclips, paper, pens, pencils, markers, crayons, and staplers.

If you honestly think someone would enjoy your 600 word essay on your Bic pen, your an asshole.Stop pushing this shit out on the web. I don't care about your ballpoint, your Crayola's you bought for your kid, your new markers, pencils, or your stapler.

If you ever find yourself about to write a review on any of the items above, just stop! You'll be lucky if 2 people even read the fucking thing. And likely those 2 people are only reading it because they know you will return the favor and read their disgusting piece of shit review on tampons.

Another thing that I absolutely cannot fucking stand is the douche-bags who will write 400 reviews on the latest top of the line high end HDTV's/PC's/Cell phones.

We all know your sorry has had ZERO experience with these high end items. It's pretty fucking impossible to own 400 cell phones, 400 HDTV's, and 400 high end surround sound systems. You are the lowest form of a reviewer. People like this make me sick, and whenever I come across a reviewer who has reviewed more than 30 high end items in the same category I always ask if they actually own the shit. And sorry, no, reviews from Best Buy employees do NOT count as user reviews!

Honestly if I were to review every HDTV/PC/Cell phone, I ever looked at, at Best Buy, I'd have a shit load of hits from people who actually are looking to buy the product, sadly everything I write about it would be based off of my one time looking at it, and that is not right, bullshit, and morally wrong. I'm a low life, but this is a level that I couldn't even stoop to.

I also cannot stand you pricks who will do a 10 page review on a car based off of a fucking test drive. People like you should be shot, shit on, and spit on. You're a plague to fellow reviewers.

Do not tell me the car is a good car, handles well, and is high quality if you only drove it once, for 5 minutes! You suck sir. When I grow some balls sir, I want you to suck my balls sir. You can review them when your done tasting them. Tee-hee!!!

And for the love of God, please stop thinking that a rant is a review!

Just yesterday I was looking for a review on a cell phone. The review was even titled My Review On Samsung Slide.

Instead of getting a review, I got the opportunity to read their fucking retarded illegible letter to the phone company.

It was not a review, it was nothing more than spitting, hissing, and diarrhea. This jackass even went as far as including the names and telephone numbers of the service reps that pissed him off. Stupid ass, do realize people can sue you for such stupid shit. In fact, I hope they do sue you. I want to sue you too, for wasting my time.

 

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Comments 15 comments

Adam B 7 years ago

Hmmm...so you're saying you are not going to read my review of the ever popular Milky Way candy bar? Or my opinions on Pong?


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol... maybe pong...because you would write it with humor.... Ive seen some really monotone reviews on pong believe it or not. lol.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

Fucktart! ROFLMAO! Oh god you slay me! :D

About movie reviews, it really burns me up when someone who obviously hates horror/slasher movies writes a review on one. Why do they do that? For god's sake just don't watch it, spare us the review, and go watch Mary Poppins or something.

Nice rant as usual Mellas! :D


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol. I love horror reviews!!!! Someone though ruined that flick Scream for me in a review way way back in the day. They gave the killer away, and I think I left them a 2 page comment on how badly they sucked for doing that. lol.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Mella

This hub makes me feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown when you wrote it! LOL

Btw, i did a couple of hubs on movies which i did not call reviews which, in restrospect, is a good thing or otherwise I would fit the "retarded, stupid, lame, asinine" bill perfectly! LOL


LisaStar profile image

LisaStar 7 years ago from New England

Mellas.. seriously, next time tell us how you REALLY feel. I think I may have learned a few new words today!

Thanks for a very entertaining read!!


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

No, no nervous break downs here... or maybe?... I wouldnt know. I dont have health insurance, so I cant really get my head checked... so... well... who can say? hehehe.

Cris, you didnt give the movies endings away did you? lol.


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

It must be that time of the month, I better run and hide. And btw, I like my crocs.


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

I should perhaps review the tampons. lol.... j/p


pgrundy 7 years ago

Wow. First of all, I LOVE the word "fucktarts." That is a brilliant addition to the English language and I am grateful that you introduced me to it. Profanity is an art that not enough people take seriously. I know, I live with a truck driver who is the Jackson Pollack of profanity, and you sir, are quite good.

Second off (?) though, I wonder how this happens? I was directed to a review site once--it was like, $10 for 10 reviews, so I did movies. Instantly I was surgically ripped a new one for my substandard reviewing skills by some person who was the official movie review monitor or something. I mean, we're talking 400 words tops here, and really, how fabulous SHOULD a review be for a buck?

It got really annoying so I finally just gave up, like screw this, I can STEAL $10 easier than this, this is crap.

So um, was that you?


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

omg, I nearly pee'd myself. I think I know what review site you are talking about. Epinions my friend is legendary for having handfuls of fucktarts who think that you should write your reviews exactly like theirs, in order for them to qualify as good reviews. lol. You will also find a lot of reviews on tampons there too. lol.

Its just ashame though that people stick to that site, getting paid mere pennies for hard work, there are so many other great sites out there, where you can get paid well for reviews. You should give associated content a try. Its a great site, pays fairly, and nobody will grill you for your opinion. : )


KT pdx profile image

KT pdx 7 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

LOL!!!!! If I see any of those stupid reviews on here, especially the ones like the Wii...remote...accessories (*giggles*) ones, I flag the hell out of them!

Guilty of writing one about feminine hygiene products, though. I did a different take on it, so hopefully it isn't as bland as the usual ones.

Can't believe anyone would review ordinary candy! Must be in it for the money with that one. ;)


MellasViews profile image

MellasViews 7 years ago from Earth Author

lol. I know, the Reese's ones are probably my biggest peever... I have read a few humours ones on hershey kisses though.... people get crafty and dirty in them, so its funny. But when someone writes 4 paragraphs on the texture of a peanut butter cups center... oh lord... I go nuts... no pun... or maybe. lol.


Proud Mom profile image

Proud Mom 7 years ago from USA

Would it be acceptable, Mellas, to review the degrees of salmonella contracted from said peanut butter cups?  Just curious.   :-)

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