Stop The Holidays I Want To Get Off
It's official this week begins the holiday season and I for one am just not ready, physically, emotionally or any other way. I need the holidays just not to happen this year. Any chance of that happening? Who do I call to turn in that request, huh? You see, it's for no other reason than I'm all ready fat and tired, which is what the holidays are all about, right? Stop the holidays I want to get off - Don't Get Me Started!
The stores started months ago. Before the cobwebs were out for Halloween there were all ready Christmas trimmings sneaking their way into the stores. I mean, they started so early this year that I had to wonder whether or not it wasn't just last year's stuff left out on one of the shelves or something. With the way retailers are pitching this stuff earlier and earlier to us they may as well just leave it out. (Of course, not the Hanukkah stuff. That they really do put away each year and then drag out for the pathetic display for the end cap of an aisle which ends up being one dradle, three bags of chocolate gelt so stale you could chip a tooth and one electric menorah that was on sale the end of last season because unlike the magical oil so long ago that lasted eight nights, this had a bulb out so you got a discount but you only got seven nights out of it. It is now full price again but don't worry, the Jew who buys it this year will save the receipt and you can bet they'll be returning it on the eighth night of Hanukkah before the return policy and the holiday is up.) My point is that I'm immune to that holiday feeling now that it comes in September. There's no nip in the air in September (and Al Gore will tell you why, global warming of course) so call me old fashioned but I'd like a temperature below 75 degrees with my holiday season if you please.
Even the networks can't wait to get the holidays here and over. They're showing the Peanuts Thanksgiving cartoon on Monday of this week. Come on people, couldn't you at least wait until, oh I don't know Thursday so the whole family can be passed out from the traditional meal half asleep while the kids watch the Peanuts for Chrissakes? Or is the family even having the meal this year? Apparently some of the stores that wait and wait for "Black Friday" to come can't wait either. That's right, some stores are going to even be open Thanksgiving night so that you can get a jump on all the craziness with the crazies who wait for "Black Friday" but have no idea that Thursday is apparently goingt to be the new black.
I get it. We're in desperate times where there are more homes for sale on the block due to foreclosure than there are people who put those ridiculous farkakte "holiday flags" out with the turkey on it nowadays. So isn't that more reason to focus on the family (okay, I can't believe I just wrote that - that's the name of one of those right-wing asshole groups...oy, see how upset I am)? Shouldn't we instead of buying that snow globe that trills "Oh Holy Night" in a tinny rendition almost unrecognizable for a hundred dollars be paying our rent or something?
I know, to the holiday lovers out there you're livid and I will no doubt be hearing from you big time. Look, I like the holidays too, I love the sidewalks busy sidewalks dressed in holiday style as much as the next guy but this year I've been working around the clock like crazy so much so that my cats don't even recognize me and the greatest gift of all for me would be a couple of days without shlepping or having to please someone other than myself. I don't need a bow on it, I don't need it to require batteries like something from Sharper Image, sure I want peace on earth but more importantly, in my own mind.
I'm not The Grinch. In fact after writing all this I think I've decided that (much like Johnny Mathis once sang) "it's not for me to say" who has the holidays and who doesn't. In fact, I say, go ahead and have your holiday, I don't begrudge you or want to take it away from you it's just that much like PE class in grade school, I don't want to participate. Do they make a card that says, "Hope you have a wonderful holiday but please leave me out of it this year?" Can some of us practice holiday abstinence without being ostracized? I know that the answer is no but a Jew can dream, can't he? Stop the holidays I want to get off - Don't Get Me Started!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com
More by this Author
Here I thought that there would be certain phrases that we would never have to hear again. You know, like "Cowabunga" from when the Simpsons first came out or "What's uaaaaaaaaaaap?" from that...