Hope's Style Tips: A Woman Can't Live Without Her Handbag

This vintage Louis Vuitton handbag...

...costs too damn much...
...costs too damn much...

An essential element of a modern woman's accessory arsenal, a handbag provides a handy, compact, easily forgettable/stealable/loseable carry all for all your most useful and important items. In just one bag you can put your house keys, credit cards, cash, ID's, cell phone, and then leave it sitting securely under your chair at a local restaurant.

I don't carry a handbag personally, partly because of the above reasons, and partly because you can't really fit a laptop in one, and my job as a word ninja depends on being able to bring my laptop with me in some sort of carrying case which isn't expressly designed to slip from my hand or shoulder and scatter the shattered contents all over the nearest public area. However I think that you, gentle reader, defintely should buy and carry many handbags.

Handbags are excellent in many respects. If carried in the hand, they effectively tie your hands in the case of being attacked, or even just falling over, relieving you of the responsibility of being a fully functional human being. Carrying a handbag effectively cuts down on about 50% of your dexterity, making you natural prey for predators ranging from the mugger to the mountain lion. This will force you to be dependent on the protection and support of larger more masculine humanoids, making you seem more delicate and feminine.

Handbags with longer straps can be worn over the shoulder and be the cause of many happily charming RSI style problems, especially if coupled with some stylish high heels. Remember, if you don't feel like you were born with a terrible crippling genetic disease after five minutes in a fashionable outfit, you're doing it wrong.

Of course, a handbag provides an opportunity to dress up your outfit, and it is vitally important that a woman carry the right handbag for the right dress. Changing from a blue dress to a red dress will therefore require that you empty your entire bag and pack all the items into a new one before leaving the house in order not to become the laughing stock of your local women's circle. Handbags provide women with a focal point for OCD type neurosis, not to mention improve the overall frustration level of the wider community by becoming vortexes of doom, hiding vital elements at important times. Who doesn't enjoy feeling their blood pressure rise as they wait in line behind a woman shuffling frantically through her handbag whilst chanting the mantra 'its in here somewhere'.

Whether you're a woman or a man, I highly recommend purchasing a handbag, preferably an expensive one. Louis Vuitton handbags are especially charming, though you should make sure to purchase an authentic Louis Vuitton handbag, and not a fake one. Fake Louis Vuitton handbags are almost indistinguishable from the real thing, but you will know in your heart of hearts that it's not the real deal, like the time you stuffed your bra with socks to steal away your best friend's boyfriend and it totally worked until prom night when he dumped you for that homely girl turned prom queen who had been made over in a bet orchestrated by Disney executives.

Life's hard. Buy a handbag.

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Comments 1 comment

Nanciboy 7 years ago

You're too late Hope, I already have two shoulder bags. I am lucky enough to live in a city where local artisans have places where they can gather and sell what they have made. One of them is a woman who makes purses with long shoulder straps from drapery and upholstery fabrics. I bought my first about the first of this year. I was back talking to the artist a couple of weeks later asking for her to make me one customized to my suggestions. She was agreeable, so my second purse is a bit larger (now holds a trade paperback book) and with pockets inside for my reading glasses and keys (also useful for nail polish and lipstick). We have become such friends that she made me a replacement for my first purse in the same fabric but with my customizations. And she took my old one in full payment. A lesson to you all, make friends with your local artists.

Or it may be that she knows I am interested in a new design she has just started selling. Someday soon purse number three will join my collection. And yes, I do use them as I am out and about on weekends. Don't think the office is ready for them though.

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