The ULTIMATE Diet Guide

Could this be you?

What about this?

Dieting is a difficult task, and most experts agree that dieting is in fact, one of the worst possible ways in which a person can attempt to lose weight, due to the 'yoyo' effect that can be observed when the diet is totally changed for a short period of time and then reverts back to the usual high fat, high sugar crap that most of us eat.

Screw those experts.

Serious dieting is a serious business, a multi billion dollar a year industry, and billions of dollars can't be wrong.

Losing weight is one of the main goals of many people who have gained pounds and just can't seem to lose them again. The goody two shoers insist that we should just eat right and exercise often, but I think we can all agree that they have no idea what they're talking about. Exercise is boring, and moderation is too. What we need is a serious diet, an extreme diet. A life changing diet that will snap our figures into shape within minutes, not days.

Here are directions to a simple and action packed diet that will cleanse your mind, your body, and your very soul, all the while helping you shed those nasty pounds that make you ugly and unpopular.

STEP ONE: DENIAL

Pick an extreme diet comprised mostly of denial. Possible diets include a soup diet, a fruit and nuts diet, anything with "cleansing" in the title, vegetables only, no carbs, you get the general idea. Start this diet as soon as possible and hold yourself to it rigidly for as long as you can stand it (most likely somewhere in the neighborhood of 24 - 72 hours).

STEP TWO: THE DAM BURSTS

Break aforementioned diet by splurging on something high calorie and high sugar. Preferably splurge in large amounts. Eat a whole cake, several packets of cookies, consume a whole can of whip cream

STEP THREE: HATE IS POWER

Enter the self loathing stage. Flagellate yourself emotionally and swear that you will never eat another bite of chocolate so long as you live. Resume your extreme diet choice.

STEP FOUR: KEEP IT UP

Repeat steps 1-3 several times. By this stage you will be irritable, prone to mood swings, and for some reason, actually feel as if you are gaining weight rather than losing it. By now your metabolic rate has slowed down to a snail's pace crawl, and the cake you ate on your first splurge is making its way to your thighs.

STEP FIVE: REAP THE REWARDS

Try harder. Deprive yourself more. Lose somewhere between five and twenty pounds, and start getting compliments from people about your slimmer look. Feel better about yourself, feel better about the hell you're putting your body through. Feel a sense of achievement rush through you, and declare that it is time to return to a "normal diet"

STEP SIX: RELAX

Return to normal diet. Gain 30 pounds within a month.

STEP SEVEN: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

Begin cycle of self loathing and searching for a new extreme diet.

This diet method has proved insanely popular with men and women of all ages and all cultures for many years now. Since the 80's, when the obesity epidemic began bubbling in the underbelly of America, people have been coming up with new and insane ways to lose weight. Don't miss out on the magical benefits that these diets offer.

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Comments 3 comments

weight-loss profile image

weight-loss 8 years ago

I love this hub, Hope. The truth really hurts sometimes. Great job!


Hope Alexander profile image

Hope Alexander 8 years ago Author

Thank you for the kind comment and feedback, it is much appreciated :)


midnighteden profile image

midnighteden 8 years ago from UK

Excellent hub and oh did that strike a chord...unfortunately for me ;-)

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