To fart or not to fart, that is the question.
There she blows.....
Passing gas, flatulating, farting, made a stinky, just cut one loose or whatever colorful words you use to identify what we all know, refers to a fart. Those awful smelly loud noises are part of our bodily functions. It's a necessary evil. I can refer to it as an evil because unless we are completely alone it's just never a good time. Even when alone, and I can definitely attest to this, I don't enjoy the smell of my own farts. How about being in a crowded elevator just after your morning coffee. Not good. Or, on an interview, a date, it's all just awkward. Something about that idea that farting sort of exposes this raw truth about you to those around you. The raw truth that your butthole smells just like everyone elses. I hate when you fart and people around you know that you did it and they give you that sort of snobby, "I never fart" look on their face. I dislike those people. Of course what we eat can sometimes cause gas inside of us that is just bursting to get out. Literally. Then of course what you eat will dictate the lingering smell in the air. It's convenient if you're walking in a store because then you can just crop dust. Crop dusting is an expression that is much like what real crop dusting is. As the helicopter or plane flies over head it emits a spray of chemicals and fertilizer over the crops below. So as one is walking along and emitting farts, it's as though your body is crop dusting. Next time you are walking along you may in fact walk right into someone who is crop dusting. As gross as passing gas smells and just plain is, it can also be very funny and humorous. Since we were kids we have been laughing at farting sounds and even as adults it's still funny to us. Let's examine the art of farting together.
Farting can be funny. Who am I kidding, it's always funny. Especially when your Grandmother does it in front of everyone as she bends over to remove the Thanksgiving dinner from the oven. Then she claims, "Whoops, that one got away." You think as you are in your early 20's that it's ridiculous and laugh out loud. Then you realize that sure, one day we'll all be bending over to get the Thanksgiving turkey and let out a gigantic, pfft. My favorite was when my Grandma would stand hovered over her kitchen counter fidgeting through mail and let out the loudest most unmistakable noise from her sphincter hole and then act as though nothing had happened. Moments later, if you were lucky she might murmur, a meek, "Oh, sorry dear I didn't mean to do that." It never ceased to bring me to a teary eyed laughter. Grandma's are great for farting among other things of course. Just the idea that as you get older you can fart around whomever and people just know that old people fart. It's what they do. Still funny to me though.
The awkwardness of passing gas is of course most likely to occur when we are around new people. Especially in the dating scene. You want to project his image to your future love interest that you are just clean from head to toe and your body is exempt from letting out such atrocious smells of raw sewage and loud noises from your rear. It's not possible though and as you spend more time around your new love interest it's bound to happen. So let's see how to make first time farting a bit easier.
We know certain foods bring out the farts in all of us. According to most health articles published, foods containing dairy, cheeses, pizza, gravy's, stews, beans, chili's etc. they all just bring out the worst smells in one's passing gas abilities. So on beginning encounters or dates of any kind, avoid those foods. I can recall this one time I was on a date years ago and we had stew at my Grandmother house before I had gone to the movies. He kept saying during the movie. "Oh my God it smells like shit in here!" I felt bad because I knew deep down inside it was me. I kept blaming it on the fact that we were right by the bathrooms. He totally fell for it. I knew for the following dating years to avoid those gassy foods at all costs in beginning dates. I never felt comfortable lying about my farts. It's shameful. Sigh.
In all my 12 years of dating and hanging out with guys. I know this for certain. Men take pride in their ability to fart. It's as though they each have an internal desire to take ownership of their farts. Like, fart fart I am king hear me fart! I swear they say that with there inside voice. It may not seem that way in the beginning of getting to know each other but in time, they will not let you down with a shortage of farting. No ma'am. It frustrates me because we as women are supposed to be as I stated before, these free from anus noises beings that just smell of petunias all day long. Not possible my friends, not possible.
As time passes, and it does, you will begin to most likely feel comfortable with this guy. You're going to be around him more and more. There will come a day that you've avoided those gassy foods and done your best to be fart free. However, because each person emits about 1 liter of gassy farts each day, you're going to get busted. You will be in the nightmare that you've tried to avoid. This is what you must remember. First of all, everyone farts, end of story. This guy has probably heard his mother and grandmother fart before and even a previous girlfriend. So keep that in your head and let her rip!
Depending on your personality, you can take the first fart move a couple different directions. I am sort of an abrasive sarcastic type of person. So for me I like to say, "Whoops I shouldn't have eaten all that chili this morning!" I mean I don't even like chili but whatever, it sounds fine I guess. You could also just smile and bat your eyelashes and then he'll remember just the silly girl that you are. Or, you could be the in denial girl and blame it on a frog. My Mother always did that growing up. She would let a pfttt sneak out and say, "There must be a frog around here!" Unless she had a frog chillin in her underwear, that was no frog. No sir. That was definitely a fart.
There are many useful websites regarding farting and the science behind it. In fact of all the ones I've researched I recommend this as the best and most useful. www.factsonfarts.com It's hilarious and a must click on! Happy farting my friends.
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