5 Surprising things you don't need

Everything you eat already has salt in it. The stuff is wonderful when sprinkled on all manner of foodstuffs but too much of it will make your heart explode or your veins move to the outside of your skin or something like that. Anyway, don't buy any extra salt if you can help it. if you do find yourself buying extra salt, simply spread it on your driveway when it snows.

Even pure salt is still salty. You can order organic salt, but it's still got a high concentration of salt in it. Don't fall for boutique salt.

You can, like, learn to talk without resorting to trite over-worn phrases that hurt the ears of your audience. Go online and learn some new words. Combine those words into unique sentences that will amuse and amaze the kid in the drive-through window. We all talk the same and it's boring.

Almost all the Chevrolet Chevettes manufactured by General Motors have decomposed into their component molecules. Salt has something to do with that process, but mostly it was just typical of GM products.

The world is now a better place. Don't go looking for trouble by purchasing any of the three or four remaining Chevettes on eBay. You will only bring heartache and rust upon yourself. If your life feels like its' broken down on the side of the proverbial road, a Chevette will confirm that suspicion.

The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math.

Truer words were never spoken, except perhaps the words concerning the salt that you still don't need. Spend your money on the hotdogs slowly overcooking on the rollers at the convenience store: at least you'll have souvenir heartburn to commemorate your expenditure. A lottery ticket probably isn't even recyclable.

You are going to lose. Odds against winning a lotter drawing are so astronomical as to be beyond the number of zeroes on your keyboard, and that's a lot.

The second-most pretentious self-important university in North Carolina doesn't need your support. They are already rich. They have an endowment that would buy enough salt for every family in North America, but would they ever consider doing that? No. Don't even bother to ask.

Spend your money on solid well-respected state universities such as Indiana. Even a Purdue tog would be preferable over anything with a Duke logo on it.

When you buy a Duke hoodie or a Duke golf shirt an angel cries.