Buy Survival Food

Buy Survival Food

Building a survival bunker is important, but without food you may find yourself scrounging the countryside with all the other unprepared wanderers. Stock up on nutritionally valuable foodstuffs before the apocalypse hits. Keep your larder filled to the brim with tasty recipes and well-preserved staples in order to live out the end-times.

These days, it's all too easy to trundle past the McDonald's pick-up window or park in the Sonic parking lot to order meals over the radio and be served by smiling associates on roller skates. Rest assured that these locales will be among the first locales to close down when the end of the world occurs. Very few people who work for tips will want to go to work. The manager might show up, but he usually can't figure out the drink machine.

Given this plausible premise, the necessity for stocking up on survival foods becomes evident. Online shopping for these items can become tedious, but we have surveyed the landscape of survivable edibles and herein we present the best of the best. These items taste great and will last for hundreds of years. Civilization will have rebuilt itself before you'll run out of food.

Yummy eggs shaped like a can
Yummy eggs shaped like a can | Source

Powdered Whole Eggs

Chickens don't lay can-shaped eggs, but modern technology knows how to solve this type of problem. Diligent survival scientists appropriate eggs from distracted birds and reshape them into products that will tickle the taste buds of everyone huddled in your bunker.

Don't wake up to another morning of desperate survival without something to look forward to. Each can contains the waterless equivalent of 81-90 whole eggs. Each egg was once loved and cherished by a long-forgotten chicken who probably neglected to make plans for the end of the world.

food in a tube... well, at least the tube.
food in a tube... well, at least the tube. | Source

Squeeze Tubes

If astronauts can survive on food squeezed from a tube, it's certainly good enough for you and your remaining family members. Virtually any edible product can be reduced to a tasty paste, then squished into a handy tube. Squeezing the food back out again is so simple and easy that mealtime will never disrupt the survival process. Wheel of Fortune may go into reruns when the world ends, but you'll never go hungry in front of the 60" plasma TV running off the diesel generator installed on the bottom floor of your custom-made mountain bunker.

spice of life
spice of life | Source

Aspen Mulling Spices Cinnamon Orange Blend

Survival tends to get really boring if everything tastes the same. Sure, you have much to be thankful for, given that the remainder of the world is in tatters while you and your family wait out the inevitable rise of a new Utopian society, but unless your food tastes good it's hardly worth the effort.

This cinnamon spice carton will spice up breads and drinks. Sprinkle a little in your morning tea before going off to hunt for more diesel fuel and scavenge for spare parts. Use it to barter with the clan in the next bunker: they probably have a few Seinfeld DVDs they are tired of watching.

mmmm.... bacon....
mmmm.... bacon.... | Source

12 Cans (full case) Yoders Canned Bacon 9 Oz Each

The third-worst aspect of surviving the apocalypse will be a nagging inability to get bacon. Hog farms will undoubtedly vanish from the decimated landscape as roving bands of former vegetarians gorge on recently feral pork, Stock up now on nonperishable bacon products. Order enough to carry you and your family through what could turn out to be a very long time before butcher shops arise from the ruins of once great delicatessen districts.

Bacon in a can can't possibly be an accurate analog for fresh bacon, but any bacon is better than no bacon. Resist the temptation to raise live bacon in your bunker: the trade-offs are simply too great. What might seem like a good idea as you stare longingly at a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich with no bacon will inevitably turn out to be an animal husbandry nightmare. As difficult as it might be to admit, survival trumps bacon.

bar-shaped food product.
bar-shaped food product. | Source

2400 Calorie ER Bar - Emergency Food Ration

When the last thing you want to do is venture outside to battle zombies for remaining remnants of food, it's comforting to know that your shelves are stocked with 2400 calorie bars. At that point in your so-called life you don't actually care what the bars taste like or how the calories are delivered, it's simply a relief not to have to whack a zombie with a shovel just to get a stale can of Pringles away from him.

These 2400 calorie bars contain no tropical oils, which can be really bad for you. Never mind that you're living in the last days of the Earth and everything you held dear has been vaporized: you wouldn't want to ingest a tropical oil when consuming a 2400 calorie bar. Four bars per pack should be sufficient to bloat your belly until someone invents Kroger's again.

Canned cheese
Canned cheese | Source

Bega Canned Cheese

There will be some things that you wouldn't want to put in a can, such as another can, but most foods can be mechanically and chemically contrived into cans. Cheese in a can seems like a logical step forward from cheese in a wallet or cheese in a library book. We all need cheese and the need for cheese will not abate just because the world has imploded upon itself. Wireless Internet access will be spotty after all the major financial markets collapse and world governments can't borrow money from each other: you probably won't be able to order cheese on a regular basis, so stock up now.

Make plans for loading up on cheese in all its' forms. Once extracted from the can, this cheese may still resemble the inside of the can and not taste like anything except salty can, but your brain will thank you for the opportunity to see some cheese-like substance. Add it to the canned bacon and the powdered eggs for a tasty post-industrial world recipe.

Conclusion

Make surviving a little more survivable by loading up on edibles.

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Comments 7 comments

drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

You are funny, nicomp - just one zinger after another. One of your very funniest best. Really. Trust me. Promise.


MarloByDesign profile image

MarloByDesign 4 years ago from United States

Very interesting ideas, but I am not so sure I want to try powered eggs (yet). Great advice for folks though...it is a great idea to stock up before winter if you live in a colder climate for sure!


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

I think I would rather starve!


psychicdog.net profile image

psychicdog.net 4 years ago

The empty McDonalds stores in the ghost towns are going to still have gas cookers - and the resourceful will still be able to make burgers out of wandering Zombies.


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 4 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

Think might need a water hose to keep the mother-in-law from wanting to spend 6 months with you when her house is destroyed? What about all of the relatives? Gonna buy extra food for them?

Perhaps some dehydrated water... could use the water hose to mix the dehydrated water for thirsty neighbors.... Or just give them the dehydrated water pkg and let them mix their own!

Flag up!


cjv123 profile image

cjv123 4 years ago from Michigan

I'm seriously going bookmark this -- super informational - the links here are excellent too. This is something we should all think about. Thanks for writing it!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj: Why shouldn't I trust you?

@MarloByDesign: Thank you for your kind words

@breakfastpop: Don't come-a-knockin' on my bunker looking to borrow a cup of survival food.

@psychicdog.net: Good point. We all need protein.

@dallas93444: That would be a disaster. Anyway, I was looking for an product that would lead to dehydrated water but it evaporated.

@cvj123: Thank you for your kind words.

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