Detect Something

Dectect Something

There's a lot of stuff floating around: detect some of it. Without the proper equipment, you're missing out. We present proper accoutrement for picking up signals. All you need is your credit card and a willingness to search for what's out there.

Detect Radar

Zooming down the highway in your 110HP hybrid econobox is all fun and games until you're painted with radar courtesy of the Highway Patrol. They simply want you to slow down and they're willing to cite you to prove it. Also, wear your seatbelts.

Detect what they are broadcasting. Install a state-of-the-art radar detector in your vehicle before your next roll down the superslab or trundle through a school zone. You'll save yourself big dollars. You don't want to meet these officers when they are on duty. No one does.

Officers have heard all your stories. They detect your lies and see through your obfuscation as they scribble you a speeding ticket. No amount of high tech wizardry will protect you after you've been stopped. Gear up before it's too late.

Detect Gold

Gold is out there, if you live in Alaska or South Africa. Gold is big business. Immensely expensive earth-moving equipment and TV cameras seem to be necessary for efficient gold detection. On the other hand, a simple and cheap gold panning kit will keep you busy throughout your Summer Vacation and might just make you a thousandaire.

Simply dunk the pan into the gold-filled mud adjacent to running water. Swish it around. Look for gold flakes or nuggets. Harvest the gold into your overall pockets, then head into town for a celebration at the Pizza Hut. You can do this.

Detect Motion

Things are moving around. Inside the darkness outside your home are fleeting movements attributed to unknown beings. Something is happening. You are missing it.

Install motion detectors to learn what you've been missing. Simply hook up a few simple devices along the perimeter of your property and you'll have a never-ending supply of motion detection at little cost to you. it might be a deer or the postman or your kids sneaking home after curfew. Make new friends or renew old acquaintances at the end of your driveway.

Connect a motion detector to a camera to your cell phone so you can be the first person at the door when the pizza arrives. Be guaranteed choice of first slice.

Detect some computer viruses

Unless you have a Master's Degree in Computer Science or you are in 8th grade, protecting your computer proves problematic. Invest in virus detection software. Kapersky and Norton proffer promising products. Look for a subscription service renewing annually and updating weekly. Apply to all home computers including your smartphone. Viruses, malware, trojans, and poorly written Windows software should remain at bay so you can continuously read this article and order detection products online.

Many such products offer a group discount. You have legal permission from the vendor to install the software on up to three machines including laptops and desktops. Having the same antivirus programs on all your computers relieves end-user stress.

Detect some volts

Volts are expensive. You don't want to lose any. Stray electrons pushing out into the household add to your electric bill and make the hair on your cat stand up. Invest in a voltage detector to monitor the health of your voltage distribution system. It's really cool and your neighbors will be impressed.

Look for a unit with a light. When voltage is detected, the light comes on. It's easier than reading a meter. The light tells you if you may have a problem with your voltage. You may have an improper grounding circuit or a short somewhere behind the wall. Those are bad things. Don't try to fix the problem yourself: engage a voltage expert.

Detect Faces

Previously, photography proved problematic pertaining to personal portraits. Detecting faces offers little challenge these days when you aim a high-tech camera at your subject. Advanced image manipulation software manages precision focusing software to ensure that Aunt Pearl and Uncle Fred will not turn out fuzzy.

A keepsake photo opportunity comes along infrequently. A good camera is a good investment. Look for Nikon because they spend a lot of money on advertising with famous celebrities who obviously know much about photography because they make a living mugging for cameras.

Detect everything

Tricorder technology eclipses modern detection hardware and software. Encapsulating the detection of all detectable emissions emanating from everything, these handy devices diagnose illness, peer through walls, monitor tachyon pulses, and generally provide a level of metrics unimaginable outside of a secret lab at Area 51.

Order a tricorder for every member of the family, then send them out into the world to become successful at their chosen field of endeavor. Even a politician benefits from the myriad of detection facilities packed into the little gizmo. It's really cool. Don't forget batteries.

Carbon Monoxide Dectector

In all seriousness, if you heat your home by burning something, you need a carbon monoxide detector. CO is an odorless, colorless, and inert gas that may invade your house due to improper ventilation or failure of heating systems. It will kill you gently. Order a battery-operated unit and also a wall-pluggable model. Stick it under your bed. When it goes off, it's very loud and it may save your life.

Detect Metal

If watching TV proves too exciting, find time to wander down the beach idly waving a metal detector at your feet. Dig up long lost pull-tabs and gold coins from Spanish Galleons, or not. Many items lie buried beneath your flip flops, waiting patiently to be detected by you and given to your grandchildren when they were expecting Yu-Gi-Oh gift cards.

Slip on the headphones and tune out the world. What you might dig up can only be guessed. Friendly folks at the pawn shop will indulge you for a while.

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Comments 6 comments

The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 4 years ago from Arlington, TX

nicomp - I always enjoy your spin on products.

Great as usual.

The Frog


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

Thanks, frog! It's good to hear from you.


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

Wow, nicomp, who knew there were so many 'detecting' products available. Thanks for providing all this neat info without a plethora of obfuscation and such.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj: I detect a note of silliness in your comments, which is always a good thing.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 4 years ago

What about a metal detector? Have any?


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@breakfastpop: Great idea. Done.

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