How To Rob a Bank

Times really are tough all over, and many families are looking for a second source of income. For some, this may involve the stay-at-home parent getting a job, or the working parent getting a second job. This will get you some much needed cash, but the fact is that most of that cash is going to be eaten up by babysitting and day care fees, which kind of defeats the purpose of getting that second job in the first place.

So what can we do? Grocery prices just keep going up, as do utility costs, and you can’t really rely on the stock market for supplemental income anymore, so it seems that your options are a bit limited.

Well, believe it or not, thousands of people the world over have discovered a simple way of making a few extra bucks on the side for just a few days of work every year. I’m talking, of course, about the world of extralegal careers.

Not quite what I had in mind! But the Pen is a start!!

(c)And all that malarky @ flickr.com
(c)And all that malarky @ flickr.com

Disclaimer

This information is provided for your own personal use. We do not advise you to commit any form of illegal act, whether criminal or otherwise.  This page is for informational purposes only. 

No banks were robbed when researching this article.

Now, if you want to be a professional criminal, you have all sorts of options open to you, from carjacking to pick-pocketing to kidnapping wealthy heiresses for a load of ransom money, and all of these jobs have their own allure, but for the recently laid-off father of four or the working single mother, the only career path that has proven, time and again, to offer families a great means of support has been the time honoured tradition of bank robbery. Below we’ll offer a simple step by step guide to walk you through your first big heist.

Planning A Bank Robbery

The safe or the drawer?

The process of planning can take a few hours in some robberies, or several months in others. It all depends on how big of a score you’re going after. Some bank robbers prefer to make dozens of small robberies in a crime spree running from one end of the country to the other, while others prefer to make off with a half a million all in one go. The choice is yours, but in making this decision, the first thing to consider is the risk involved.

If you want to stock up your retirement fund all in one job, you’re going to have to go after the safe, and this comes with a bit higher risk in that you’re going to be sitting there waiting for the manager to open it up. You could always try digging a tunnel and drilling into the safe, but that requires more money and equipment than you probably have available to you right now. One or two safe jobs, coupled with some smart investing on your part, will set you up for life, but the risk may be a bit too much.

On the other hand, you can just demand all the cash in the drawer, which will net you a few grand, but you’ll have to commit more robberies to stock up on a nice vacation fund for your family, and all it takes is one botched job to land you and your team in jail. Each route offers its own risks and benefits, and the choice is yours.

Assembling your Team

(c)miss roque @ Flikr.com
(c)miss roque @ Flikr.com

Casing the joint and assembling your team.

It’s not enough to simply walk into a bank and make a mental note of the layout. For a safe job, you’ll always want an inside man who can tell you the best time to strike. If you’re after the drawers, you’ll at least want to know how often the police patrol the area, how many security guards they have on staff, whether the guards are armed, things of that nature.

We’ve heard of professional bank robbers walking in without any plan whatsoever and making off with the loot, but we can’t advise this approach, as it tends to rely a little more on dumb luck. You never know when an off duty officer will be making a withdrawal at any given moment, so you don’t want to rob on a whim, you want to approach this task with the same sense of professionalism you would at your dayjob.

As for assembling your team, it’s best that you hire people you can trust, whether they have a background in this sort of work or not. You will, at the very least, need a getaway driver who will keep the car running while you run out with the cash. If you can, try to bring in a lookout and maybe some extra muscle, but never go in without a getaway driver.

We should advise against bringing too many people in on the job. The “safety in numbers” feeling will be quickly put to rest when one of your members decides to take the loot for himself or squeal to the coppers. Trust is the key issue in assembling your team.

The Job

Grabbing the loot

So you’ve got your plan, you’ve gone over it a dozen times with your team, and you’re ready for the big job. Everyone has a job to do, and if you pull this off, you’ll be sitting at a café in Paris laughing about the whole thing a few days from now.

You’re likely to be a bit nervous and get those butterflies in your stomach, so we recommend against having coffee or anything on the morning of the big day. If you like to relax with a cup of tea or a cigar, go ahead and treat yourself before heading to the scene of the crime. Anything to steady your nerves.

Do a double check to make sure you’re prepared. Everyone should have a ski mask and a cool suit (because why bother robbing banks if you don’t get to wear a cool suit while you do it?), and you should bring your own money bags. You don’t want any surprises like those little paint bombs or trackers or anything.

Whether or not to use guns is up to you. You can easily con a bank if you’re clever by simply saying you have a gun, in which case, policy generally dictates their compliance just in case. However, this route only ensures one drawer full of money, so you can usually make off with a heftier prize if you’re packing a little heat. That said, if you’re going in with guns a’blazin’, here are two important things to remember:

First, should a shoot-out occur, always aim low (preferably at the floor!). Above the waist could net you an attempted murder charge, below the waist is simply assault.

Second, always remind the bystanders that you are not stealing their money, but the bank’s, which is fully insured against theft. This should seriously cut down on the would-be-hero factor, making for a quick and easy job.

And remember to not get too greedy. If you’re doing a drawer job, just grab as much as you can and get the heck out of there. If it’s a safe job, just take what you can and leave, don’t try to double dip, because somebody will always hit the silent alarm. You should be in and out of that bank in one or two minutes. Any longer and you’re basically daring the police to come get you.

Be ready to improvise. Things don’t always go according to plan. Be ready to take whatever you can get if the safe doesn’t have as much money as you thought it would, and be sure your getaway driver knows how to hotwire a car if your getaway vehicle’s engine dies. Improvisation is a bank robber’s most powerful tool.

Making a Clean Getaway

Your getaway driver should be circling the block, not idling in the parking lot. You can either keep in contact with walkie talkies so the driver knows when to pull up to the front of the bank, or simply synchronize your getaway.

If everything works out, you should be out of there before the cops arrive and you won’t have to go through the trials of a high speed pursuit. If that does happen, however, just remember that you can escape the police if you know what you’re doing. Have an escape route mapped out and don’t stop for anything.

If you can make it out with no flatfoots on your tail, just take off the ski masks, drive under the speed limit, and get to your second vehicle. You’ll want to have a garage set up somewhere where you can ditch the getaway car, change clothes, and make off in a new car. When you get a chance, you’ll want to take the original getaway car out in the dead of night and drive it into a lake. For this reason, we advise against using a getaway vehicle with any sentimental value. Even one hair from your head can lead the police from the car to the bank robber, so buy some old junker, put a phoney plate on it, and get rid of it as soon as you can.

If all has gone according to plan, now it’s just a matter of divvying up the loot and having a celebratory drink with your fellow crooks.

Avoiding Capture After Robbing A Bank

You didn’t think it’d be that easy, did you? Robbing the bank was only the first step! Not getting caught is where your cunning really comes in to play.

First, you need to launder and exchange the money. Perhaps the safest way to do this is with a front. Establish a small business that trades in service, rather than goods, which can be more easily monitored. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, you could even get your team of thieves together to form a band, start a business account, and whenever a friend asks you to play at a wedding or a party or what have you, hand them some cash and ask that they write you a check in this amount. Tell them that it’s for tax reasons “I get to write off my guitar if you do this!” and you should be set. Anything to make it look like you’re actually earning this money, even if that involves doing a little bit of “legitimate” work on the side now and then.

Now, whatever you do, you don’t want to go on a spending spree and you don’t want to brag about your success. The sports car can wait, the mansion can wait. Big spending will immediately draw suspicion. Make sure you have a team that you can trust not to flaunt their newfound wealth, as well. Remember, you’re investing in your future, so you’ll be better off putting your cash into legitimate investments than spending it outright.

The good news is that it’s only the stupid bank robbers who get caught. Play it cool, lay low, and you should be able to ride out this recession in comfort, and with a great story to tell the grandkids (after the statute of limitations has run its course, that is).

This hub brought to you...

by Julie-Ann Amos, professional writer, and owner of international writing agency www.ExquisiteWriting.com

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Comments 79 comments

ajcor profile image

ajcor 7 years ago from NSW. Australia

thanks for this ultimate "How To" Julie Ann!


Iphigenia 7 years ago

Hilarious - how far in your cheek was your tongue? Great writing. Laugh ? I wet my knickers. My favourite quote "...always remind the bystanders that you are not stealing their money, but the bank’s, which is fully insured against theft. This should seriously cut down on the would-be-hero factor, making for a quick and easy job." Worthy of scripting and making as a spoof documentary.


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 7 years ago from Central Oklahoma

ROTFL! Tooo funny! I'm glad to know no banks were robbed while researching this hub. But then, if you planned well and followed your plan, we'll never know, right?? ;)))


Julie-Ann Amos profile image

Julie-Ann Amos 7 years ago from Gloucestershire, UK Author

My lips are sealed JamaGenee!

Thanks Iphigenia - this was one that was great fun to do!


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 7 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

This might come in handy in the next year or two.


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

they rob us much more easily - via the government hand-outs....


suzanne 7 years ago

LOL - great 'how to.' I've never wondered how to rob a bank, but you never know what skills you'll need, or when.


Julie-Ann Amos profile image

Julie-Ann Amos 7 years ago from Gloucestershire, UK Author

And this proves you don't need to be very experienced to write a great How To article!


packerpack profile image

packerpack 7 years ago from India, Calcutta

Ha ha ha. I never thought that Hub could be written on this too. I liked it but don't worry I not going to practice it. Not everything should be followed. You did a good thing by giving the disclaimer. Nice job!


Billrrrr profile image

Billrrrr 7 years ago from Cape Cod

Wonderful hub, but the advice is a bit dated. Today, if you want to steal big money, don't rob a bank - just be one.

Then you can go bankrupt and rob Uncle Sam of a few billion stimulus dollars.


Julie-Ann Amos profile image

Julie-Ann Amos 7 years ago from Gloucestershire, UK Author

That's VERY TRUE!


linjingjing profile image

linjingjing 7 years ago

This article is very helpful to me


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 7 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Awesome, refreshing read. I'd like to think I could follow your excellent advice and instructions, because I could use the dough, but unfortunately I am a chicken. Darn!


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 7 years ago from USA

Billrrr, now that is funny!!! LOL I could never rob a bank, I'm too impatient when it comes to money...all that planning? I'd have to shop immediately. and, if you say you have a gun, might as well have one...the penalty is just as stiff...even if no one saw the gun...they just have to reasonably assume you have it; plus, I'd be apologizing all over the place while robbing them....gosh I guess I'm just not cut out for it. too funny, Julie!!! =))

Remember that commercial where the bank robbers are the bankers robbing the people in the lobby??? man, has that turned out to be true or what??


Julie-Ann Amos profile image

Julie-Ann Amos 7 years ago from Gloucestershire, UK Author

Well, I thought people were so desperate over money, a creative solution might be helpful...


artfuldodger profile image

artfuldodger 7 years ago from Earth

sweet. Thanks for the tips, Julie-Ann. Now I can shut down the illegal casino/cockfights I've got going on in my basement!


artfuldodger profile image

artfuldodger 7 years ago from Earth


Count profile image

Count 7 years ago from Detroit

You're horrible. Great hub!


Singular Investor profile image

Singular Investor 7 years ago from Oxford

Excellent info J-A plus if you get caught you get free board and lodge for a few years ! But as someone else pointed out if you really want to rob a bank, just get a job as a Bank Director then you can help yourself to as much as you like.


Linda Kaban 7 years ago

Thank you Julie-Ann. You know, my business has suffered with this economic downturn and I've been looking for ways to supplement my income.

Bless you. I'm going to print this hub; memorize it; swallow it, and go buy a balaclava.

Wish me luck and see you in the Caymans.


sheryld30 profile image

sheryld30 6 years ago from California

OH MY WORD!! THIS IS HILARIOUS!! LOVE IT!! I am definitely going to share this one!! :P :)


mike bet 6 years ago

yep..me and my crew now armed with ya tips...thanx we r filthy rich


festersporling1 profile image

festersporling1 6 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

Awesome! Times are tough. Hopefully I am not a suspect if I visit this article a few more times. haha.


Alex $$ 6 years ago

lol u know I shared it with a few close Buddys n beleive me wen I say the next month a bank in my city was robbed. ?? Could be a coincidence...


tim joseph 6 years ago

thanks! i just robbed a bank in san diego and i got 12,ooo dollerz u rock


rain 6 years ago

thank you for this. now i know i can hit my local bank soon like i was planning.


bill 6 years ago

I cant understand what them stupid crackheads who rob conveinence stores are thinking.No matter if you rob a store or a bank,you're going to get the same jail time if and when they catch you. Armed robbery is armed robbery either way so you might as well go where the money is.How much money can you get from a conveinence store...$200.00 at best??? Besides,store clerks sometimes put up a fight. Bank tellers are instructed to give up the money without a fight.If I was crazy enough to pull a robbery,I would head to a bank.


bill 6 years ago

Oh yea..and one more thing.If you're thinking about robbing a casino then you ARE crazy.Most of them guys who operate casinos are meaner than you could ever think about being.They are armed and ready for some idiot to come in and try to rob them.Dont believe me? Just try it and see what happens.You'll be WISHING the cops got you before they did.


adorababy profile image

adorababy 6 years ago from Syracuse, NY

This is so outrageous. I hope that nobody would take it seriously. lol


nud 6 years ago

love it!


nood 6 years ago

@adorabay people DO take it seriously.


Tamil Hot Actress 6 years ago

lol very funny


sillywalk profile image

sillywalk 6 years ago

Sounds an awful lot like work. Got anything simpler?


johny 6 years ago

out dated plan


chopper 6 years ago

right alls i need is a team,,,anyone intrested?????


snoopy 5 years ago

It all went perfectly according to plan, until the old piece of junk I bought for the getaway broke down on me. When I tried to open the bags this flourescent paint just went everywhere all over the freakin dough and my face. Then I started to run for it and this helicopter just would nt piss off. Damn You.


snoop 5 years ago

yesssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!! i just bought a ski mask,gloves and robbed the bank!!!!!!!!you rock


prison bitch 5 years ago

i'm seriously going to try this. and if it doesn't work i will be seriously pissed off!!!


prison bitch 5 years ago

45 seconds into the robery and i got caught with my pants down. damn!!! see ya all in a few years!


timmy 5 years ago

I recently wrote an instructional about encountering a bear. I described in detail how to shoot him in various parts of the body (including the balls and wiener)using a pellet gun. I included details like, "using pointed pellets", and "shoot point blank into his eye, and aim for his brain". do readers pay money for this kind of advice? If so, can y'all send me some money? Robbing banks just doesn't pay what it used to.


Valerie Miller 5 years ago

This was a funny concept


anonymous 5 years ago

classic. i wont leave my name because then all the evidence will lead to me!


NJTed 5 years ago

I think thousands of Americans, perhaps millions, should

plan a "Bank-Job-Day". It could be set for one day in the near future, where as we hit multiple banks, all at once and finally get back some real Federal rebates. Locally, citizens can plan jobs in the same town, hitting 10 banks all at once and having the cops running around in circles- It's what they do 69 percent of the time anyway.

On "Bank-Job-Day", we can cut that percentage of capture down to about 35 percent. Good luck everyone and don't tell anyone--wait a minute, Tell eveyone you know!!

circles


123 5 years ago

NEVER..... NEVER....NEVER rob with ur buddies. 80% chance u will be caught if u do. Man up hit'em dolo(all by ur self)


can't tell u that now... 5 years ago

Well i done it finally...!!!


Kfizzle 5 years ago

Damn thanks for it I'm going to use this lol


Sarah 5 years ago

haha wow that was really funny! The videos are great!!


B2B Directory 5 years ago

The topic is a bit different, but I enjoyed the article.


5 years ago

I've been doing this for a few months now. It works great. I don't use weapons, and have a recreated hollywood looking old grandma mask. Noone suspects anything. I pass a note with my purse, and then leave without a sound. St. Louis here I come!


Gerg profile image

Gerg 5 years ago from California

This was fun ... and potentially very fruitful!


Goodguy 5 years ago

Thanks for all the tips!

I'm doing it, I'll let you guys know how it goes!

Thanks, and wish me luck!


GrimmReaper69 5 years ago

I have good planing skills that I can be a pro


9lives 5 years ago

Wow this stuff sounds great it makes me want to go and rob a bank I'll try it as a last resource ohhh my last resource is gone well of to rob a bank next week hope my luck still stands for some strange reason I can't die I've cheated DEATH many times even the cops have told me "how is it that your alive I've never seen any one survive this"

I would tell you what I did but that would give my identity off well off to rob the bank


john boy 5 years ago

y would ppl on here say that they have robbed a bank and give places of interest do u ppl not know that u can be tracked by your ip adress of your post let me just say this DUMBASS!!!


kelly 5 years ago

john......honey its a joke......have you heard of satire?


Sarbz 5 years ago

Awesome now I can rob a bank no problem! =D Thanks. Now to get the team back together...


frgngrt 5 years ago

if you want to go where the real money is ..id suggest robbing a bingo hall..i watched from a hidden spot one night ,and lets just say the money drawer was full every ten minutes or so ..the kept grabbing the money in handfulls ..then i though about it for a second most were paying around fifty bucks for cards..there was three hundred people there ..that's fifteen thousand bucks and the ticket room was separate from the hall..when it was full there was the odd person still buying ..but a perfect time to pull a gun and bababoom baba bang your out a ther ...


jared 5 years ago

"The good news is that it’s only the stupid bank robbers who get caught."

haha,dumb asses,they all get caught!


anonymous 5 years ago

I actually got here thinking about really robbing a bank...


Dan 5 years ago

Pretty funny. And a sad example of where our society is heading.


carlo_olano profile image

carlo_olano 5 years ago from Cebu City, Philippines


Monkey 5 years ago

For the last 4 billion years on this earth. It have been the strongest and most cleaver that survived. As Darwin says; The strongest wins. It will remain that way for the next 2 billion years on this Earth...


bourne ultimatum 5 years ago

@ chopper.

I'm interested. We should arrange a meet sometime. I live in TX. You?


the fright 5 years ago

@ the "Chopper" and "anonymous"

We should get together and plan a robbery. I'm dead serious. I SO want to do this!! I have black clothes. I just need some leather gloves is all. By the way, I live in Texas. Any of you two live there?


lol 5 years ago

Knew it was too good to be true, it's a satire dammit !

*continues searching*


MR. MYSTEriOUS 4 years ago

THANK YOU!! I WILL DO THIS :)


Cloverleaf profile image

Cloverleaf 4 years ago from Calgary, AB, Canada

Hi Julie Ann - I'm rolling around laughing! I always wanted to know how to rob a bank and now you've shown me how. I'll try not to be too greedy though ;)

Voted up / Funny


Paul 4 years ago

There are actually people who do this for a living. Most of the things mentioned are pretty common sense, but it is still VERY hard to get away with something like this. I know the quicker the better. The robbers I have heard that get away with it are ones that acted in a flash and were gone in a couple minutes. Usually however, they keep doing it and that gets them caught!


Allan 4 years ago

maybe they should add more plan that is how to escape from a jail.


joe 4 years ago

This thing got to be good,i,am sure someone will took this as advice...


Kyle 4 years ago

I will not be surprised and actually hope people preform a Robin Hood 2.0 to steal from the rich and give to the poor since the *filthy* rich can afford some losses.

Here is a friendly tip:

If you are going to rob a bank be sure to give 10 percent minimum of the earnings to a homeless/poor community place as you will also help feed other people struggling like you and it will remind you that it takes hard/work and a LOT of courage to stand up to evil in the face.


Kyle 4 years ago

I have a question about after the robbery when I am done with this statement below:

The reason why banks do not put up a huge @#!#$ fight is because they are I-N-S-U-R-E-D against theft/fire/flood.etc meaning you do NOT have to feel guilty for *borrowing* their money VS a mom and pop gas station that is N-O-T insured in which that $200.00 could mean the difference between eating that night for the store owner's family or starving.

As for that bank you just robbed the government will just print them more money like a drunken sailor.

My question is will it work where once I find a spot to lie low such as out-of-state can I make multiple savings accounts at OTHER banks then the branch I just robbed in the state I fled?

I believe in the saying: Don't put your eggs in one basket.


big timer 4 years ago

Go ahead and get a few boyz and dress up like ex-presidents just like in point break! Worked out well till keanu came into the picture lol


xx 4 years ago

If you do this, you should probably leave the country, get ur name changed, and have plastic surgery done so u cant be traced.


monicamelendez profile image

monicamelendez 4 years ago from Salt Lake City

Hahaha I don't know how I haven't found this hub before. Epic!


XxX 3 years ago

very use full ...


wannarob 3 years ago

nice article..thanks..but what if I want to rob a bank solo..all by my self.. and if I want to do it without a getaway car..escaspe on foot.. what's my chances.. any advice?


rollintoyuh 3 years ago

aay guys lets rob a bank i live in oregon any of you live here and wanna rob a bank?


Richardfg7 3 years ago

Picking up cans on the side of the road has a better future.

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