How To Rob a Bank
Times really are tough all over, and many families are looking for a second source of income. For some, this may involve the stay-at-home parent getting a job, or the working parent getting a second job. This will get you some much needed cash, but the fact is that most of that cash is going to be eaten up by babysitting and day care fees, which kind of defeats the purpose of getting that second job in the first place.
So what can we do? Grocery prices just keep going up, as do utility costs, and you can’t really rely on the stock market for supplemental income anymore, so it seems that your options are a bit limited.
Well, believe it or not, thousands of people the world over have discovered a simple way of making a few extra bucks on the side for just a few days of work every year. I’m talking, of course, about the world of extralegal careers.
Not quite what I had in mind! But the Pen is a start!!
This information is provided for your own personal use. We do not advise you to commit any form of illegal act, whether criminal or otherwise. This page is for informational purposes only.
No banks were robbed when researching this article.
Now, if you want to be a professional criminal, you have all sorts of options open to you, from carjacking to pick-pocketing to kidnapping wealthy heiresses for a load of ransom money, and all of these jobs have their own allure, but for the recently laid-off father of four or the working single mother, the only career path that has proven, time and again, to offer families a great means of support has been the time honoured tradition of bank robbery. Below we’ll offer a simple step by step guide to walk you through your first big heist.
Planning A Bank Robbery
The safe or the drawer?
The process of planning can take a few hours in some robberies, or several months in others. It all depends on how big of a score you’re going after. Some bank robbers prefer to make dozens of small robberies in a crime spree running from one end of the country to the other, while others prefer to make off with a half a million all in one go. The choice is yours, but in making this decision, the first thing to consider is the risk involved.
If you want to stock up your retirement fund all in one job, you’re going to have to go after the safe, and this comes with a bit higher risk in that you’re going to be sitting there waiting for the manager to open it up. You could always try digging a tunnel and drilling into the safe, but that requires more money and equipment than you probably have available to you right now. One or two safe jobs, coupled with some smart investing on your part, will set you up for life, but the risk may be a bit too much.
On the other hand, you can just demand all the cash in the drawer, which will net you a few grand, but you’ll have to commit more robberies to stock up on a nice vacation fund for your family, and all it takes is one botched job to land you and your team in jail. Each route offers its own risks and benefits, and the choice is yours.
Assembling your Team
Casing the joint and assembling your team.
It’s not enough to simply walk into a bank and make a mental note of the layout. For a safe job, you’ll always want an inside man who can tell you the best time to strike. If you’re after the drawers, you’ll at least want to know how often the police patrol the area, how many security guards they have on staff, whether the guards are armed, things of that nature.
We’ve heard of professional bank robbers walking in without any plan whatsoever and making off with the loot, but we can’t advise this approach, as it tends to rely a little more on dumb luck. You never know when an off duty officer will be making a withdrawal at any given moment, so you don’t want to rob on a whim, you want to approach this task with the same sense of professionalism you would at your dayjob.
As for assembling your team, it’s best that you hire people you can trust, whether they have a background in this sort of work or not. You will, at the very least, need a getaway driver who will keep the car running while you run out with the cash. If you can, try to bring in a lookout and maybe some extra muscle, but never go in without a getaway driver.
We should advise against bringing too many people in on the job. The “safety in numbers” feeling will be quickly put to rest when one of your members decides to take the loot for himself or squeal to the coppers. Trust is the key issue in assembling your team.
Grabbing the loot
So you’ve got your plan, you’ve gone over it a dozen times with your team, and you’re ready for the big job. Everyone has a job to do, and if you pull this off, you’ll be sitting at a café in Paris laughing about the whole thing a few days from now.
You’re likely to be a bit nervous and get those butterflies in your stomach, so we recommend against having coffee or anything on the morning of the big day. If you like to relax with a cup of tea or a cigar, go ahead and treat yourself before heading to the scene of the crime. Anything to steady your nerves.
Do a double check to make sure you’re prepared. Everyone should have a ski mask and a cool suit (because why bother robbing banks if you don’t get to wear a cool suit while you do it?), and you should bring your own money bags. You don’t want any surprises like those little paint bombs or trackers or anything.
Whether or not to use guns is up to you. You can easily con a bank if you’re clever by simply saying you have a gun, in which case, policy generally dictates their compliance just in case. However, this route only ensures one drawer full of money, so you can usually make off with a heftier prize if you’re packing a little heat. That said, if you’re going in with guns a’blazin’, here are two important things to remember:
First, should a shoot-out occur, always aim low (preferably at the floor!). Above the waist could net you an attempted murder charge, below the waist is simply assault.
Second, always remind the bystanders that you are not stealing their money, but the bank’s, which is fully insured against theft. This should seriously cut down on the would-be-hero factor, making for a quick and easy job.
And remember to not get too greedy. If you’re doing a drawer job, just grab as much as you can and get the heck out of there. If it’s a safe job, just take what you can and leave, don’t try to double dip, because somebody will always hit the silent alarm. You should be in and out of that bank in one or two minutes. Any longer and you’re basically daring the police to come get you.
Be ready to improvise. Things don’t always go according to plan. Be ready to take whatever you can get if the safe doesn’t have as much money as you thought it would, and be sure your getaway driver knows how to hotwire a car if your getaway vehicle’s engine dies. Improvisation is a bank robber’s most powerful tool.
Making a Clean Getaway
Your getaway driver should be circling the block, not idling in the parking lot. You can either keep in contact with walkie talkies so the driver knows when to pull up to the front of the bank, or simply synchronize your getaway.
If everything works out, you should be out of there before the cops arrive and you won’t have to go through the trials of a high speed pursuit. If that does happen, however, just remember that you can escape the police if you know what you’re doing. Have an escape route mapped out and don’t stop for anything.
If you can make it out with no flatfoots on your tail, just take off the ski masks, drive under the speed limit, and get to your second vehicle. You’ll want to have a garage set up somewhere where you can ditch the getaway car, change clothes, and make off in a new car. When you get a chance, you’ll want to take the original getaway car out in the dead of night and drive it into a lake. For this reason, we advise against using a getaway vehicle with any sentimental value. Even one hair from your head can lead the police from the car to the bank robber, so buy some old junker, put a phoney plate on it, and get rid of it as soon as you can.
If all has gone according to plan, now it’s just a matter of divvying up the loot and having a celebratory drink with your fellow crooks.
Avoiding Capture After Robbing A Bank
You didn’t think it’d be that easy, did you? Robbing the bank was only the first step! Not getting caught is where your cunning really comes in to play.
First, you need to launder and exchange the money. Perhaps the safest way to do this is with a front. Establish a small business that trades in service, rather than goods, which can be more easily monitored. It doesn’t have to be a big thing, you could even get your team of thieves together to form a band, start a business account, and whenever a friend asks you to play at a wedding or a party or what have you, hand them some cash and ask that they write you a check in this amount. Tell them that it’s for tax reasons “I get to write off my guitar if you do this!” and you should be set. Anything to make it look like you’re actually earning this money, even if that involves doing a little bit of “legitimate” work on the side now and then.
Now, whatever you do, you don’t want to go on a spending spree and you don’t want to brag about your success. The sports car can wait, the mansion can wait. Big spending will immediately draw suspicion. Make sure you have a team that you can trust not to flaunt their newfound wealth, as well. Remember, you’re investing in your future, so you’ll be better off putting your cash into legitimate investments than spending it outright.
The good news is that it’s only the stupid bank robbers who get caught. Play it cool, lay low, and you should be able to ride out this recession in comfort, and with a great story to tell the grandkids (after the statute of limitations has run its course, that is).
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