How to Start Your Own Chain Letter

T is for Towing Chain

Stuck in the swamps of Jersey is no place for your machine. Always bring along towing chains to save yourself hours of embarrassment. Everyone has a cell phone these days: you don't want to see your vehicle immortalized on YouTube as a cautionary tale.

Tuck the chains into your trunk and forget about them until they become blatantly necessary. You'll be glad you buried them under the stadium blanket and the spare tire and the hydraulic floor jack.


G is for Gold Chain

You can mine it in Alaska. You can search for it on the mean streets of Beverly Hills. It's gold and it's everywhere. It hangs around the necks of self-respecting social climbers across the fruited plains of Compton. Stock up on fashionable loops of golden goodness for you and your posse.

eBay offers a never-ending cornucopia of styles guaranteed to keep you stylish no matter which way the fashion winds blow. Shop until your mouse finger cramps up, then drink some Gatorade and get back to it again. You can't tow your car with it, but you can impress the homies.

C is for Chainsaw

Deep in the old-growth forests of the Pacific Northwest dwell the toughest men never to wear gold chains: lumberjacks. These dudes chew aluminum foil for breakfast. They sleep out under the stars cuddled up next to their trusty chainsaws. Their best friends are the eagle and the chigger.

You can't be as tough as these dudes but you can order up a veritable cornucopia of chainsaws. Simply hanging one in your suburban garage will increase your toughness by a factor of 10.42. You don't even have to start it up. Neighbors won't ask to borrow it because they will be afraid to look you in the eye. It's even cooler than a motorcycle.

C is also for Chain-mail

Renaissance Fairs tend to be hazardous. Accumulated dangers from rampaging jousts and fights breaking out between scorned wenches call for appropriate garb. We heartily endorse chain-mail accoutrement.

Don't venture into the crafts tent without proper protection from wayward broadswords. Watching people make cheese is a great way to spend a Saturday as long as your chain-mail fits properly and doesn't chafe. Look to eBay for effective solutions.

K is for Key Chain

Not as manly as a chainsaw, this handy device conveniently gathers your keys while simultaneously providing a place to hang your nick-knacks. We favor a multi-tool such as a Swiss Army knife or a novelty USB drive. Hook as many equipments onto your key chain as your pants pocket can safely support.

An overloaded key chain can safely double as a personal protection device. Swing it wildly to defend yourself from imposing clerks at the video store. Use it as a weapon to fend off overly aggressive wenches at the Renaissance Fair.

B is for Bicycle chain

Without a chain a bicycle is extremely easy to peddle but it doesn't go anywhere, kind of like Congress. Look for quality replacement chains on eBay for all your cycling needs.

A bicycle chain might also fit onto your chain saw but don't say we didn't warn you. It's all fun and games until someone loses the Tour de France because their sommelier swapped one for the other. Chains, that is.

We prefer Shimano bike parts and online bidding is the place to find them. Your chain of chains will be complete.

F is for Chain by the Foot

Bulk chain makes a perfect gift for the chain aficionado who has everything. Everyone appreciates the opportunity to craft customized creations from chain.

Build your own Hello Kitty keychain or tailor form-fitting chain mail for the upcoming goth prom. It's probably not feasible for fishing line, but it would make a wonderful adventure vest from which to dangle lures and spare hooks.

The perfect chain letter gift would be

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Comments 2 comments

drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

The only chain I can think of, nicomp, of significance that you did not include was chain gang. Just as well. :)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

drbj: Chrissie Hynde says thanks!

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