Shadesbreath's Outside the Box Investment Strategies: Part 1 - Garbage Bags

The economy is trashed.  The universe talks to you, if you listen.
The economy is trashed. The universe talks to you, if you listen.
Picks and shovels were great in 1849.
Picks and shovels were great in 1849.

History Repeats Itself

Everyone knows the economy is circling the bowl right now, and it’s only a matter of time until that big economic sucking sound sends whatever is left of our money swirling out into the sewers of global finance. But you don’t have to flush your fortunes away. You just have to think smart.

One thing that smart people do is pay attention to history. And the history that matters most in this market is the history of the gold rush. Right now, there are tons of people rushing to buy gold. But that’s not the gold rush I’m talking about. I’m talking about the old one, the "head west to California" one of 1849. And here’s the real kicker. I’m not talking about the gold miners. Those guys weren’t very smart either. Most of them went broke. I’m talking about the guys who did make money. And it wasn’t the guys with picks and shovels breaking rocks that got rich; it was the guys selling picks and shovels to the guys breaking rocks that got rich. That’s the history I’m talking about.

So, since our politicians and our financial leaders are all hell bent on destroying the economy, the only rush that most Americans are making is a rush to poverty. A big herd of us all heading to a metaphorical west coast of insolvency and financial want. But that doesn’t have to be you. You can think. You can seek the real treasure in the rush. Just ask yourself, what are all those people really going to need?

They’re going to need garbage bags.

Now is the time for garbage bags.
Now is the time for garbage bags.

The Future is Garbage Bags

Garbage bags are the picks and shovels of your future financial empire. While everyone else is seeking money, you will playing it smart, going after the real gold, plastic. Plastic bags, that is.

You see, for a while, most people are going to keep grubbing and grumbling for money. They’re going to make deals, make promises, make compromises to their morality. But in the end, they aren’t going to get it. The money will be gone. Sent overseas, converted to other currencies in offshore bank accounts. Money will be useless here. Once our industries are all dead, jobs all gone, systems all destroyed, our currency will have no value anyway. It will be nothing more than green rectangles of high-tech paper, worthless artifacts watermarked to ensure you just wiped your ass with the genuine article. But that is all. Money won’t be what people need. It will be garbage bags.

Hey, at least it's not counterfeit.
Hey, at least it's not counterfeit.

Here’s why: as more and more people go bust, more and more of them are going to lose all their stuff.Once they lose all their stuff then, well, they will have nothing. When people have nothing, they technically need everything again. That’s where garbage bags come in.

Homeless people use garbage bags for everything. Garbage bags are the panacea of poverty. And if you buy up the lion’s share of garbage bag company stocks, you’ll be the Warren Buffet of the new economy. In fact, you’ll be the Warren Buffet and the U.S. Treasury. For you see, garbage bags will be the new currency.

Instead of investing your money to get more money, which as you now know will be useless, you will be converting your money into what will become the new unit of exchange. It seems ironic to turn your money into a garbage based strategy, but only because it’s hard to fathom how money can become garbage and garbage can become money but money is not money at all. That is complicated, I admit, but don’t worry. You have me to guide you.

You can even make a pirate ship out of garbage bags.
You can even make a pirate ship out of garbage bags.

The Everything Principle

The whole thing works off of what I call the “Everything Principle.” Garbage bags make great shoes, they make great clothes, they make great water slickers, tents, blankets, sleeping bags, and even, well, bags. There is nothing you can’t make out of garbage bags. Seriously. If you can’t make something out of a garbage bag, it is your fault for not being creative enough. It’s certainly not the fault of the garbage bag. So, in the end, they are literally everything.

That’s where the “Everything Principle” comes in. If the bags are literally everything, then because you will have invested in garbage bags right now, when the whole thing comes tumbling down, you will literally own stock in everything, you’ll own… everything. It’s genius, I tell you, but you need to get on it right away.

Sure it may seem a little callous at first, like you are taking advantage of people when they are down, but look, do you want to be one of them, one those people who needs a garbage bag? Of course not. Look, there are two kinds of investors: investors who do whatever it takes to be on top, and losers. Which one are you?

So, assuming you don’t want to be a loser fighting over the tattered remnants of someone else’s makeshift plastic blouse, I suggest you suck it up and protect your future. To help you along, I have gathered up some of the best (and worst) investment opportunities for you and broken out their main strengths and weaknesses. (Let me just say, “You’re welcome,” in advance.)

The Glad Company

The Glad Company is a great one, and you should start with them. They have serious name brand recognition, so you will be guaranteed high returns with them once complete economic devastation hits. Americans love their brand names, and a designer label like Glad will be a safe bet for your investment buck. Think about it: all the homeless teenagers will demand their parents make them stuff from Glad garbage bags—trust me, as a parent of three, I know this to be true. Some things never change. Just because the entire country took a dump, do you really think anyone will be able to convince a teenager they have to wear store-brand garbage-bag-wrap shoes? Hah! They’d rather die than let their friends wearing that trash. The same can be said for the fashion conscious twenty-something female crowd too, and not just shoes, but clothing and accessories. So the brand name market is already a guarantee. And that doesn’t even count older women, divorcees or women widowed by husbands that have starved to death now that all the money and jobs are gone. Single women are big buyers of designer products too. Seriously, this is solid financial advice.

...fighting over the tattered remnants of someone else’s makeshift plastic blouse.

Hefty

Another huge niche market opportunity comes to you through the Hefty brand. While for the most part people are going to be starving, America has an amazing propensity for producing fat homeless people somehow. I’m not sure how that works, but it’s true, so the Hefty brand garbage bags are going to be a stable brand as well, at least when it comes to fashion. With lines that work for the plus-sized market and a maternity clothes angle they are going to be really popular, as evidenced by the designer label-craving women in the video attacking each other for the prestige of wearing Hefty brands. Given this evidence, Hefty is an excellent one to consider investing heavily in.

Brenmar (eco-friendly garbage bags)

A third brand I’m going to discuss is the Brenmar company. You may not have heard of these guys, but they make biodegradable bags. So, here’s the thing. This company is all about saving the environment, and that’s great. But let’s be honest, once the entire economy is decimated and people are running around in little anarchic bands contemplating cannibalism, nobody is going to care about the environment (which is ironic, because the regulations being imposed on farming and industry by the environmentalists is what’s destroying the economy, but I digress). Worse, people are not going to want a tent or a pair of plastic underpants that biodegrades on them. Think about it, what is more biodegradifying than what goes on in the pants of 300 million unwashed homeless people? You don’t have to be a marketing professional to know that underwear made of biodegradable garbage bags will not be popular in the years to come. Frankly, I don’t see a bright future for this company if they don’t change their ways before the collapse.Just my opinion, you can invest in them if you like.

Other Brands

I’ve just listed a few of the core brands, and there are a others out there as well. Do your homework and get some of the big guys. But please don’t dismiss the other brands just because they aren’t the big dogs, and this especially includes the store brands and generics. Buy into the little brands and low quality stuff heavily. Here’s why: Most families just won’t have the wherewithal to buy the designer stuff. As competition for aluminum cans and plastic bottles becomes fiercer, the less aggressive scavengers, thieves and panhandlers won’t be able to afford the high-end garbage bags and bagwear. That means the cheaper brands are going to get their share of the market for sure. So, make sure you diversify when you invest in garbage bag companies, so you cover all your bets. Do that, and you’ll be one of the very few people not scratching your privates and trying to trade cigarettes for flea shampoo.

Speaking of which, stay tuned for the next installment of my investment strategies, possibly coming soon to an article near you.

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Comments 41 comments

Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 5 years ago from USA or America

Hey Shades, this isn't as funny as your usual stuff, but still funny, in one manner of speaking. :P However, I'm not exactly sure garbage bags are the future investment that people need to actually make. Even homeless people have no money. I mean, it's not like they are rolling in the dough and can even afford to buy garbage bags. Some of these people do have at tops, a few dollars, but nothing really to spend, which would surpass food more so. But, great hub anyways. Voted up! Marked useful, funny, awesome and interesting. :) LOL! :) Have a great day! :)


kmackey32 profile image

kmackey32 5 years ago from Pittsburgh PA

Yes it is funny. Did you draw those pics yourself????


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica

Shades, don't listen to Cagsil, I think garbage bags are it! I am very particular about my garbage bags though, but for investment purposes I will go for the brand and color in demand.

I would probably re-brand and try coming up with new designs like heart shaped garbage bags, tent shaped, house shape, you name it, and maybe different sizes too. I would even use a wider variety of colors.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Hiya Cags. Yeah, I think the humor is competing with the sad truth of it, maybe? Hard to say. Humor is what it is, so, I toss em up and they are what they are. :)

Hi Kmackey. Glad you thought it was funny, and yes, I drew those. While I cartoon myself in most of my hubs these days, I almost didn't for this one, as, like Cags suggests, it's a little darker than the stuff I usually write. But, I figured, "why not?" No sense breaking the trend now.

Cardisa, YOU are thinking like a rich a woman. I see you sitting atop the garbage heap of the future high and dry, fortified in your mansion and enjoying the finer things of life (not sure what that will be after a total economic meltdown, but hey, it's all yours!).


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 5 years ago from USA or America

Hey Shadesbreath, I don't think 50% of the Americans realize the true problem plaguing America, as a whole and it is going to take a complete economic collapse, including loss of currency, on the global market, to wake them up. I guess the next evolution in America's society will without a doubt be a new awareness height. A level unseen in ages. The problems that are going to stem from a complete economic collapse isn't going to be easy to deal with. It might actually reach a point that the U.S. will have to file bankruptcy and the debt will have to be paid back on a payment schedule granted to the U.S. It's not likely that the entire debt will be erased. The community of World Banks, owned by the upper 1% of the world, are not simply going to throw away what is owed to them. Sorry, but over $100 trillion isn't going to go away easily. But, I see a new future coming and it is solidly based on the individual awareness and understanding of the responsibility behind it. :) Again, it's a great hub. I just think you have the wrong product. :P :)


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

I rarely find you predictable, but the Hefty paragraph read word for word as I expected. Funny. But, then, when are you not? You are, indeed, a satire genius.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country

"You can make anything out of garbage bags", but you are only telling part of the story, while probably secretly stocking up on duct (or duck) tape. Im stocking up on the tape.


tlpoague profile image

tlpoague 5 years ago from USA

I thought you spoke with a truth that had a twist of humor. It is sad to watch our economy go down the drain, but I liked your idea of garbage bag investments. Voted up!!


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica

Rochelle the supermarket trolley is mine and some cardboard boxes..lol


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Toilet paper. I was going to say Duct Tape, but Rochelle beat me to it. Ergo - toilet paper.

However, you will still need garbage bags to carry the duct tape and toilet paper in.

Maybe we need to go back to trading chickens.


Eaglekiwi profile image

Eaglekiwi 5 years ago from -Oceania

Hahahaha..this is funny,only because Ive cleaned a few apartments since Ive lived in the states and their are ALWAYS trash bags ,used,unused lying everywhere!! ,I mean all over the wheres,

And no generics for the average American ,no sir ,top of the line!

I love it ,oh and hey just noticed you have better advertisements on you hub than I get ,so Im thinking youve pleased the 'Plastic gods'


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Well Cags, if it comes down to all that, we have better planes and tanks. So, let them try to get it. And, well, even if they did have a way to try to come get it, they can't get blood from a turnip. They either have to invade and take the land or realize we went belly up and move on.

Heh heh, Motown, I debated whether to leave the Hefty one in there until I found the video... then I was like, how can I not?

Rochelle... shhhhh, you're going to tip people off for part II and III etc. Duct tape, Top Ramen and even recycling companies are part of my new prudent investor series!

Tipoague, yeah, sadly, there's more truth in this thing than I wish there was. If it weren't so, I could have written something more juvenile like I usually do (hence Cag's accurate assessment up top), but, alas, here we are. I'm not looking forward to the election. It's going to be so ugly and filled with blame and vile sophistry.

LOL... So, uh, Cardisa, are you and Rochelle going to be rolling around fighting for the supermarket trollies like those other people were going after the bags in the video? lolol

Austinstar, I think that toilet paper will be such a rare luxury, if you can corner the market on it without being assassinated by others wanting to trade in the new "diamonds" you'll be wealthy beyond compare. ... At least for a while. People will probably just get used to not having T.P. and, well, acclimate to the rash, the discomfort and the smell. :D

Hi Eaglekiwiw, trash bags are ubiquitous to be sure. And, it's funny, when I was proofreading this thing, I realized how many times I wrote "garbage bags" and was like, "I wonder if I'll get dinged for keyword stuffing." I imagine there's some sort of multiple ironies in that.


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 5 years ago from USA or America

Well Shadesbreath, the future is definitely going to be interesting, especially if things are not changed from the status quo. The question is.....when will the people wake up and actually pay attention to their duties as citizens. :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Not holding my breath on that last part, Cags. Sadly.


Cagsil profile image

Cagsil 5 years ago from USA or America

If I had to actually hold my breath, then I wouldn't live long, if I really thought it would be anytime soon. It's truly a sad day that many people in America really don't see what is happening because they are either content or happy with their life at present time. It's these people who are doing nothing to help others or smart enough to open their eyes to the atrocities happening. It's a down right shame.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 5 years ago from UK

I loved "the economy is circling the bowl". Can I pinch it please? Don't answer that :-))

I am thinking of writing an article called "Communism, Capitalism, De Greekism". It's a new economic theory which will make your Garbage Bag concept obsolete ;-)))


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Cagsil, you might be at least slightly cheered by the Warren Buffet article in the WSJ. Pam Grundy linked it on FB earlier. Check it out if you haven't seen it, proves SOME people are trying to help others, including adding honesty to the conversation. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/15/opinion/stop-cod...

As for you, De Greek, I certainly hope that if you do write such a fabulous new strategy up, you will be so kind as to come back and put a link to it here so that people (like me) can be sure not to miss it!!!


Paradise7 profile image

Paradise7 5 years ago from Upstate New York

I like the garbage-bag-pirate-ship; it has possibilities as a logo. Teens in designer garbage bags. Somehow I can see that. LOL!


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I expect garbage bag futures to soar when this strategy becomes known!


dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 5 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

Another great incite... It is obvious you have it all in your bag. You forgot your pole to carry more than one plastic bag... We have progressed. I remember the "carpet-baggers..."


pgrundy 5 years ago

I always thought it was weird that we have to gift wrap our garbage. When I was a kid this wasn't true. We used metal barrels that used to be full of oil or chemicals or whatever, and then we had a garbage can for the wet stuff (with a lid). Now we have to gift wrap it, or better yet, gift wrap it in a SCENTED bag. But now that you've raised this interesting theory about future currency, I'm off to design some clothing... god, seriously, the potential is endless! Semi-seriously,that would be a cool website...


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Paradise, I think you may be on to something, especially in an all homelessness nation. Our slogan could be, "Hey, pirates are dirty. So are you. Buy some bags."

Will, I'm banking on it. Literally. :D

Dallas, it's true. The Everything Principle cannot be denied. And carpetbaggers will now simply be called trashbaggers, or maybe Gladbaggers, since that sounds more optimistic.

Hi Pam. I grew up with metal cans too. But the environmental movement was leapt upon by industry and they quickly made products that would contain all that vile biodegradable nastiness in neat little permanent bubbles that won't biodegrade... until they bloat from the gasses and tear. Then the original stuff gets out anyway, but at least now there will be a permanent shredded bag left in the soil to prove, even 100,000 years from now that we were not a society that would let our chicken bones and paper towels just rot away in a land fill. :D


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 5 years ago from Melbourne Australia

I'm going after garbage bags big time!

I always look to you for solutions to the big ones Shades!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Thanks Earnest. I think many people take my rather poor personal economic state as evidence that I am not a total financial expert, but, clearly I am. :D


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

You "poor personal economic state" is simply evidence of your solidarity with the people, Shades. Admirable, really. :P


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Yeah, that's me. Man of the people. No way I'd trade in my solidarity for a mansion overlooking the sea, a giant pool (also overlooking the see), and just scads and scads of servants to do my every whim. Yeah, no way.

(Have I told you it's my secret dream to get a lifestyle like Jabba the Hut?)


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

It seems that would suit you well...sort of what every male of the species truly hopes for.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Doesn't work out most of the time for us. I mean, I've put on a lot of weight over the years, but I'm not getting the power, wealth, horde of servants or really cool cave fortress complete with dungeons and battle pit.


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

That could all change once your novel becomes a smashing success! Keep your digits crossed. :D In the meantime, enjoy what you have. Overall, it's probably not so bad.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

It's not, but whining is fun and therefore improves the quality of life.


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

I admit I hadn't looked at it that way. In that case, whine away. And, keep churning out hubs while you're doing it so the rest of us can enjoy it.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

I'm trying. Plate filling up too. School coming, damn book not out, nothing to blog about, another book to write... I'm going to throw suuuuuuuuuuuuch a big party in December/January.


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

While it's not fun now, I guarantee it will be worth it once it's all finished. Till then, you've got tons of people pulling for you. Now if you could only find a way for them to go to school for you, blog for you, write the next book for you, publish for you, and plan that damn party! :D


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

YOU COULD DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT IDEA. SO, I'LL SEND YOU NOTES ON BOOK TWO ALONG WITH MY CLASS SCHEDULE AND THE LIST OF THE PEOPLE I'D LIKE TO SEE AT MY PARTY.

In fact, I'll give you the code to the door at my work and you can go do that for me too. WOOT. (Hey, if you go do my job for me, I'll do my book after all. I actually like that.)


robie2 profile image

robie2 5 years ago from Central New Jersey

OK Shadesbreath, I am selling all that gold I bought a couple of years ago and I am stocking up on investment grade garbage bags starting now. You are a genius!!!!!


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

It's true, I am a genius. I tell people that all the time.


Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

I'm on it! :D Glad to help.


livelonger profile image

livelonger 5 years ago from San Francisco

Simultaneously depressing and hilarious! Should we short all the major grocery chains' stock, too, assuming that everyone will start stealing shopping carts to load up their garbage bags in?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 5 years ago from California Author

Thanks, Motown. If they buy it, see if you can get them to send money for my, uh... for whatever it is that I, being a genius, must clearly be researching.

Yes, Livelonger, that would be a great investment. Plus, invest in the manufacturers of them and of the parts that go into them, as they will be some of the last companies to go. You can get a nice burst of earnings if you ride that bubble right.


molometer profile image

molometer 4 years ago from Cambridgeshire, England

Well shadesbreath you called it.

My village shop has banned plastic bags.

So if you haven't got a bag with you then you are stuffed and have to balance all your shopping on your head.

I can see an opening for a little bag dealing on the side to make a few bucks.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 4 years ago from California Author

Well, Molometer, it's nice to see a future financial juggernaut in the making. When it all falls apart and you make yourself King, let me know if your court needs a Fool. :)

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