Shadesbreath's Outside the Box Investment Strategies: Part 1 - Garbage Bags
History Repeats Itself
Everyone knows the economy is circling the bowl right now, and it’s only a matter of time until that big economic sucking sound sends whatever is left of our money swirling out into the sewers of global finance. But you don’t have to flush your fortunes away. You just have to think smart.
One thing that smart people do is pay attention to history. And the history that matters most in this market is the history of the gold rush. Right now, there are tons of people rushing to buy gold. But that’s not the gold rush I’m talking about. I’m talking about the old one, the "head west to California" one of 1849. And here’s the real kicker. I’m not talking about the gold miners. Those guys weren’t very smart either. Most of them went broke. I’m talking about the guys who did make money. And it wasn’t the guys with picks and shovels breaking rocks that got rich; it was the guys selling picks and shovels to the guys breaking rocks that got rich. That’s the history I’m talking about.
So, since our politicians and our financial leaders are all hell bent on destroying the economy, the only rush that most Americans are making is a rush to poverty. A big herd of us all heading to a metaphorical west coast of insolvency and financial want. But that doesn’t have to be you. You can think. You can seek the real treasure in the rush. Just ask yourself, what are all those people really going to need?
They’re going to need garbage bags.
The Future is Garbage Bags
Garbage bags are the picks and shovels of your future financial empire. While everyone else is seeking money, you will playing it smart, going after the real gold, plastic. Plastic bags, that is.
You see, for a while, most people are going to keep grubbing and grumbling for money. They’re going to make deals, make promises, make compromises to their morality. But in the end, they aren’t going to get it. The money will be gone. Sent overseas, converted to other currencies in offshore bank accounts. Money will be useless here. Once our industries are all dead, jobs all gone, systems all destroyed, our currency will have no value anyway. It will be nothing more than green rectangles of high-tech paper, worthless artifacts watermarked to ensure you just wiped your ass with the genuine article. But that is all. Money won’t be what people need. It will be garbage bags.
Here’s why: as more and more people go bust, more and more of them are going to lose all their stuff.Once they lose all their stuff then, well, they will have nothing. When people have nothing, they technically need everything again. That’s where garbage bags come in.
Homeless people use garbage bags for everything. Garbage bags are the panacea of poverty. And if you buy up the lion’s share of garbage bag company stocks, you’ll be the Warren Buffet of the new economy. In fact, you’ll be the Warren Buffet and the U.S. Treasury. For you see, garbage bags will be the new currency.
Instead of investing your money to get more money, which as you now know will be useless, you will be converting your money into what will become the new unit of exchange. It seems ironic to turn your money into a garbage based strategy, but only because it’s hard to fathom how money can become garbage and garbage can become money but money is not money at all. That is complicated, I admit, but don’t worry. You have me to guide you.
The Everything Principle
The whole thing works off of what I call the “Everything Principle.” Garbage bags make great shoes, they make great clothes, they make great water slickers, tents, blankets, sleeping bags, and even, well, bags. There is nothing you can’t make out of garbage bags. Seriously. If you can’t make something out of a garbage bag, it is your fault for not being creative enough. It’s certainly not the fault of the garbage bag. So, in the end, they are literally everything.
That’s where the “Everything Principle” comes in. If the bags are literally everything, then because you will have invested in garbage bags right now, when the whole thing comes tumbling down, you will literally own stock in everything, you’ll own… everything. It’s genius, I tell you, but you need to get on it right away.
Sure it may seem a little callous at first, like you are taking advantage of people when they are down, but look, do you want to be one of them, one those people who needs a garbage bag? Of course not. Look, there are two kinds of investors: investors who do whatever it takes to be on top, and losers. Which one are you?
So, assuming you don’t want to be a loser fighting over the tattered remnants of someone else’s makeshift plastic blouse, I suggest you suck it up and protect your future. To help you along, I have gathered up some of the best (and worst) investment opportunities for you and broken out their main strengths and weaknesses. (Let me just say, “You’re welcome,” in advance.)
The Glad Company
The Glad Company is a great one, and you should start with them. They have serious name brand recognition, so you will be guaranteed high returns with them once complete economic devastation hits. Americans love their brand names, and a designer label like Glad will be a safe bet for your investment buck. Think about it: all the homeless teenagers will demand their parents make them stuff from Glad garbage bags—trust me, as a parent of three, I know this to be true. Some things never change. Just because the entire country took a dump, do you really think anyone will be able to convince a teenager they have to wear store-brand garbage-bag-wrap shoes? Hah! They’d rather die than let their friends wearing that trash. The same can be said for the fashion conscious twenty-something female crowd too, and not just shoes, but clothing and accessories. So the brand name market is already a guarantee. And that doesn’t even count older women, divorcees or women widowed by husbands that have starved to death now that all the money and jobs are gone. Single women are big buyers of designer products too. Seriously, this is solid financial advice.
...fighting over the tattered remnants of someone else’s makeshift plastic blouse.
Another huge niche market opportunity comes to you through the Hefty brand. While for the most part people are going to be starving, America has an amazing propensity for producing fat homeless people somehow. I’m not sure how that works, but it’s true, so the Hefty brand garbage bags are going to be a stable brand as well, at least when it comes to fashion. With lines that work for the plus-sized market and a maternity clothes angle they are going to be really popular, as evidenced by the designer label-craving women in the video attacking each other for the prestige of wearing Hefty brands. Given this evidence, Hefty is an excellent one to consider investing heavily in.
Brenmar (eco-friendly garbage bags)
A third brand I’m going to discuss is the Brenmar company. You may not have heard of these guys, but they make biodegradable bags. So, here’s the thing. This company is all about saving the environment, and that’s great. But let’s be honest, once the entire economy is decimated and people are running around in little anarchic bands contemplating cannibalism, nobody is going to care about the environment (which is ironic, because the regulations being imposed on farming and industry by the environmentalists is what’s destroying the economy, but I digress). Worse, people are not going to want a tent or a pair of plastic underpants that biodegrades on them. Think about it, what is more biodegradifying than what goes on in the pants of 300 million unwashed homeless people? You don’t have to be a marketing professional to know that underwear made of biodegradable garbage bags will not be popular in the years to come. Frankly, I don’t see a bright future for this company if they don’t change their ways before the collapse.Just my opinion, you can invest in them if you like.
I’ve just listed a few of the core brands, and there are a others out there as well. Do your homework and get some of the big guys. But please don’t dismiss the other brands just because they aren’t the big dogs, and this especially includes the store brands and generics. Buy into the little brands and low quality stuff heavily. Here’s why: Most families just won’t have the wherewithal to buy the designer stuff. As competition for aluminum cans and plastic bottles becomes fiercer, the less aggressive scavengers, thieves and panhandlers won’t be able to afford the high-end garbage bags and bagwear. That means the cheaper brands are going to get their share of the market for sure. So, make sure you diversify when you invest in garbage bag companies, so you cover all your bets. Do that, and you’ll be one of the very few people not scratching your privates and trying to trade cigarettes for flea shampoo.
Speaking of which, stay tuned for the next installment of my investment strategies, possibly coming soon to an article near you.
If you enjoyed this...
- The Lone Writer
My blog. Mostly me covering the processes of publishing and marketing my book, but that frequently degrades into satire and sarcasm, because, well, I can't help it.
- Shadesbreath's Facebook Page
Keep up on the latest sarcasm and satire, oddities, humor and even the occasional serious conversation about writing in a modern marketplace.
More by this Author
Wildly popular article discussing ten of the most asked questions in the world. Intelligent and humorous all at once.
Examining Office and Workplace lighting, with a particular interest in the belief that brighter light is most conducive to higher productivity. Source material is academic and scientific, with support from industry and...
A brief examination of the correct grammatical use and origins of the phrase "bad rap." The purpose being to provide research based confirmation of its standard use and to show the grammatical basis for...