Stupid Stuff For Sale Online
Don't buy any of this stuff
Stupid stuff for sale online might be simple to find, but it's even harder to resist. For some reason American shoppers are the only people in America who are dumb enough to fork over otherwise good money for stuff that would otherwise end up being politely rejected by government-sponsored recycling centers.
Here at the Institute for the Painfully Obvious, we strongly urge you to use this compendium of stupid stuff as a cautionary tale. Don't even think about the possibility of considering purchasing any of these items. Run screaming into the front yard and give your American Express Card to the first sentient human you encounter. You'll thank us. Hide behind the couch until your Internet connection times out and you're left with a blinking cursor on your aquarium screen saver. In the long run we all benefit.
Men's Santos 100 Stainless Steel Two Tone 18K Gold
Don't be stupid. Your phone has a clock. Your computer has a clock. Your car has a clock. Your pacemaker has a clock, but admittedly it would be a bad thing if you actually find yourself using it as a chronograph.
You don't need a 6 figure watch (I included the dollars and cents to make the argument seem stronger.) No one will like you more, nor will fame and power flock to you as you cruise through the drive-through at Dunkin' Doughnuts.
Uniworld UJC-750 Fruit And Vegetable Juicer
It looks really cool, but you simply don't need it. McDonald's sells juice, along with Kroger, Safeway, Publix, and 7-11: none of these places sell stupid stuff. You don't need to make your own juice, then spend hours cleaning up after yourself. Your friends drink juice out of a carton: are you better than your friends? We didn't think so. Are you so thirsty that public store juice is not good enough? We doubt that.
Consider this simple rule: Never cook anything that takes less time to eat than to clean up. Follow this bromide and your life will be paved with easyness.
Hardy Zane Ti Fly Reel
Hot tip: fish can't read. Regardless of the coolness of your tackle, no additional water-breathers will leap majestically onto your stringer. No fish ever swam past a lure because the lure was tied to a string that connected back to a Zebco. Invest spare cash in polysporin and neosporin and band-aids. Nearby anglers respect forward-thinking first-aid kits rather than solid silver reels with magnesium bearings and titanium fillets.
Forget about buying any reel. Just spin the line over your head and let it fly. It's way more accurate and you'll always have money left over for a fish sandwich at Burger King.
Liquid Forged Chrome 6-Spoke Wheel
Your car came with wheels. It arrived from the factory thoughtfully equipped with the maximum amount of usable wheels. In order to add more wheels, you have to throw away the wheels you already have. Automotive engineers have studied the problem: they conclude that precisely 4 wheels is the optimal amount of wheelage recommended for almost all automobiles, except for those that are sitting on cement blocks in Arkansas front yards.
Caveat: should you be the title holder of a car sitting in an Arkansas front yard, feel free to order a number of wheels sufficient to raise the total wheel count to 4.
64 GB USB Drive
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
No one needs 64 Gigabytes of stuff in their pocket. You'll just lose it anyway. You'll plug it into a library computer, enjoy a brief discussion with the patron at the adjacent computer who will marvel at your capacity to transport information, then you'll walk to your car and leave the thing.
How to Fix Everything For Dummies
Resist the unfathomable urge to spend money on a book that tells everyone within eyeshot that you're a dummy. Let the world deduce that for themselves. We don't buy stupid books about stupid stuff.
Invest in a calculus book: at least you'll get to enjoy the foreword before actually realizing that you may in fact be a dummy.
If you insist on rewarding someone to tell you how dumb you are, write a check, tear it in half, and mail individual halves to the Democratic and Republican National Committees.
Put your money away. It's no good here. Whatever you do, don't purchase any of the items introduced here. Like the government, we know what's best for you.
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