Surviving the Sequester

Your government has cut 2.3 per cent of your federal budget to the bone. Government meddling plummets, the media has something to distract them from Benghazi. Here's a buying guide help you survive.

As benefits are ever-so-slightly manicured and protesting dependents take to the streets, you'll be relieved to settle into your underground bunker. No sequester fallout will befall you. Nestle safely in this tornado-proof plastic structure that also doubles as an in-ground jacuzzi when the money is turned back on.

Your friends and family will thank you. As turmoil spreads just above your heads, your heads will be safe and sound. Ensconce those you love in this premium plastic container. An in-ground shelter inspires jealous neighbors while offering much-needed security in the unlikely event of economic Armegeddon or any other type of apocalypse as predicted by Sean Hannity.

You'll want to watch the revolution: it will be televised. Every channel will be affected by sequestered funds. You may only get to see half of The View or perhaps subtitles will be chopped from Honey Boo Boo. Whatever happens will be available in High Definition 720p enjoyment to keep you occupied while your kids venture out for more Frito's.

Don't depend on the government to being you a TV while they are deeply mired in sequester negotiations. Spend your hard-earned dollars on Chinese products that hang neatly on your living room walls. It's flat and it's a screen: what more do you need?

Congress isn't the only body that circles 'round and 'round while going nowhere: join in the fun by jumping on your own elliptical trainer. Place it in front of your HD TV inside your underground bunker and enjoy a convenient way to burn calories that you actually had to go out-of-pocket for.

Stress melts away as you eliptically exercise your way to fitness. The neighborhood will be jealous as they trudge to the bus stop, stopping every few yards to wheeze and have a cigarette. Be sure to locate this device in front of a picture window. Everyone will want to know what you're up to.

The number one food for sequester survivalists probably would be any edible purchased with other people's money, but look to Pringles for salty saddle-shaped goodness on a budget. These amazing food products remain fresh regardless of political affiliation or budget cuts. Stock your larders with wide varieties of flavors before Congress outlaws them because they taste so good.

We favor 'original' flavor, but many variations of Pringles exist on the open market. A simple Wikipedia search reveals innumerable options to tempt your palate. Apple and vinegar doesn't sound all too appetizing, but when the sequester hits we may not have a choice.

They can take away 2.3% of our air traffic controllers, but they can't stop us from standing in line to have our shoes scanned and our baby formula irradiated. You may have to travel in order to testify before The House Subcommittee on un-American budget cuts.

Be sure to have fashionably durable luggage before your next sojourn at a budget theme park or a Federal Nature Preserve allowed to go fallow. Pack for success. Sequestration can be painful, don't make lugging your stuff any more difficult. You can pack a plastic bag, but the neighbors will talk about you when they gather 'round the trash fire in the cul-de-sac.

Massive 2.3% budget cuts at the federal level often call for extreme measures such as eating your clothes. This stylish jacket is trendy and it can be boiled for a quick soup. Stay tuned to MSNBC for breaking news, dire predictions, and recipes for hearty leather gumbo. Rachel Maddow dines on lobster but she feels your pain.

Sure, leather was once the much-needed skin of a random bovine, but you need it more. Your skin is in the game when Congress slashes White House tour guides from the federal budget. You'll need fashionable togs to wear as you peruse the nearly bereft Smithsonian Museum.

In conclusion, we are all responsible for our economics. Spend your money wisely and parsimoniously. Folks in Washington continue spending your money alarmingly rapidly, and not even on you. Products presented here are for amusement purposes only. The authors do not wish to suggest that your life will be better should you reallocate funds earmarked for mortgage payments.