The Breath Tax

"Will work for carbon credits" as the Homeless now say.

Hockey stick graph: a proven total fraud.
Hockey stick graph: a proven total fraud.

Some Good Sugestions.

The Breath Tax and Some of It's Implications


With Congress constantly trying to take away freedom, there's one thing that's always been free, breathing. Now with "Cap and Tax" legislation coming down the pipe, even breathing will be taxed. CO² is one of the most common gases on the planet. In fact carbon is the most common element on Earth, and possibly the universe. Climate change legislation will attempt to tax these emissions. I"m going to explore some of the ways breathing will be taxed. Of course not every nation will be taxed the same way. The United States will definitely be the hardest hit, then Europe. We are so called "developed" nations. China, which pumps out much more CO² will be declared a "developing" nation. They will be largely exempt even though if you fly from the coast of China inland, you will see that there is literally 100 miles of smoke belching factories from the shore inland. (Developing nation my a**!)

The fact is that it is not about carbon. It is about transferring wealth. Most people think when they say “transfer wealth” they mean in the Robin Hood sense. They take from the rich and give to the poor. What they really mean is take from everyone and give to the IMF, the UN, and the ultra-rich like global bank heir David De Rothschild. If some new administration decides not to tax us and ignore the Cap and Tax treaties, they will just come and take our roads, our national parks, our federal land, our oil and mineral rights. They will also take our bodies as collateral for this debt. What do you think a birth certificate is for? It's a bond floated on the stock market. Literally!

They cannot just outright tax your breath, otherwise there would be a slave uprising that would make the Bolshevik revolution look like a company picnic. Nope, they're gonna have to get creative with this one to get the public to swallow the "Koolaid." Therefore I've offered up some ideas to let the global slave masters make this work.

  • Exercise equipment tax. We breath out more CO² when we exercise. It's a simple tax to enforce.

  • Beef tax. They can tax beef because cows breath out CO². That crappy burger at McDonald's won't cost any more though because that beef will conveniently come from a "developing" nation. No, only the really good beef we like at steakhouses will be taxed.

  • Kid's blow up pool toys. You have to blow CO² into them to get them to float. I'll have to tell my child "Sorry sweety, We can't play with your Little Mermaid Flounder today. Daddy couldn't pay the breath tax, and get it certified with the mountain of paperwork in time."

  • Sex. They could give us a "sex tax." People breath a lot of CO², that is, if they're doing it well. The lines at the tax office will be long for the permit on that one though. They could tax condoms, birth control pills, and KY jelly to simplify it.

  • Work. Anyone doing a physical job could be taxed. They'll have to put a breath monitor on you to see just how much air you breath. They'll tax your boss for this. Then they'll tax you for the breath. They'll just take it out of our paychecks, as if they don't take enough already.

  • Balloons. Sorry Bozo the clown, those animal shapes you blow up at children's birthday parties have just got to be taxed.

  • Fetch tax. Playing fetch with your dog will make him pant, thus blowing out more CO². "Sorry Fido, we don't have a Fetch Permit. You'll have to just get fat and die like they want you to do."

  • Volcano tax. We could go into churches and tax The Lord God Almighty for smiting us with tectonic plate activity.

This is gonna be fun, fighting CO², except for actually buying permits for things that have been perfectly legal to do for centuries. Every day, we lose a little bit of our liberty. The new government is doing things that would make tyrants of old proud. Just take comfort in the fact that 0.000000000000002% less carbon will wind up the the atmosphere.

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Comments 2 comments

James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 6 years ago from Chicago

Hilariously witty! There is much truth in your satire, as there is in all good spoofs. Well done. I came, I saw, I chortled!


Portamenteff profile image

Portamenteff 6 years ago from Western Colorado, USA Author

Thanks for the comment James. Sorry I don't automatically approve comments, I just get foul language that way. Not everyone thinks it's funny.

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