Top 9 Things You Should Hoard

Top Stuff to Hoard

Everyone wants a neat house, but nobody wants to run out of stuff. Some items can be purchased on a regular basis. Other things should be stocked in the basement or the bunker. We present a helpful list of the Top 9 things you should hoard. Clear out the garage and fill your shelves with these vital items. We're here to help.

Hoard Fritos

When your family gets hungry, nothing satisfies better than strategically hoarded caches of Fritos. Don't run out. Look for large boxes of small bags that can be easily distributed when the world ends as the Mayans have promised us. No one really wants to share: one big bag is not as strategic as numerous small bags.

Original Fritos are made from only three ingredients. Your diet will be supplemented by copious helpings of salt, oil, and corn. Maize was never meant to be burned in internal combustion engines, rather it was intended to be consumed from small brightly labeled packages.

Hoard Socks

Be nice to your feet. Change your socks regularly. A hoard of fabric foot coverings comes in very handy when you and your family find yourselves surviving the apocalypse in your purpose-built bunker. All the Fritos in the world will do you no good unless your feet are warm and cozy.

White socks go with any manner of survival gear. Count on fitting in with the militia when you step out into the burned out inner city wearing your new socks. The other survivors will gossip behind your back if your socks are grimy.

Hoard Some Gatorade

While your feet are fully clothed in new socks and your tummy is comfortably bloated with Fritos, don't forget to pour yourself a tall glass of Gatorade. All that salt in the corn chips tends to inspire massive thirst. Don't think for one second that the drinking fountains at the mall will be available when the world ends.

If you don't provide electrolyte replenishment for those in your survival party, you may as well lay down in front of the oncoming zombie hordes and get it over with. Green Gatorade and Orange Gatorade offer thirst-quenching alternatives to risking a sip from a long-abandoned scum-encrusted reservoir in a dangerous part of what used to be your hometown.

Hoard the ipod touch

Eating Fritos and drinking Gatorade while wearing clean socks tends to be much more relaxing when your earbuds are connected to a shiny new iPod. There won't any new music after the apocalypse, unless you count the plaintive whinings of folk singers who have realized that their government grants will probably not be renewed.

Stock up on numerous iPods to stave off the stultifying boredom inevitably creeping up on you after beating back the surprise attack from the survivors on the other side of the ridge. Make sure everyone in your close-knit group has their own music player from Apple.

Stock up on Greeting Cards

Your local Hallmark store may be open after the world ends, but they will surely run out of greeting cards very quickly. Hoard up on cards for all conceivable occasions just in case you find yourself barricaded into your safe room waiting out the last remnants of civilization to rebuild itself.

A well-written greeting card makes the interminable years seem to fly by. Your friends and family will always treasure the heartfelt notes scribbled onto the envelopes. Keep up the morale so your self-supporting cache of humanity does not implode.

Hoard bathroom tissue

I mean, really, if you have not already hoarded mass quantities of this product, perhaps you would be better off sleeping through the apocalypse. No one is going to follow you into the zombie zones to scrounge for gasoline and more Gatorade if you have not demonstrated the foresight to accumulate as much of this stuff as humanly possible.

If your safe room is not already stocked to the rafters with Charmin, resign your position as militia leader. Using (possibly radioactive) tree leaves is simply not an option in this world of modern survival. We're not in the stone age.

Hoard Tupperware & Rubbermaid

Mass quantities of hoarded stuff is best managed in discrete containers colorfully arranged on sturdy shelves. Plan on having very little free time when the end of the world arrives, probably unexpectedly. Your family will be well-served if you have demonstrated the foresight to build up massive stockpiles of things to put other things into. Tupperware and Rubbermaid rival even the most expensive containers sold on cable TV shopping channels. Don't skimp on storage.

Helpful hint: hoard your material according to color. Your fellow survivors may not speak the same language as you. Certainly we have all viewed epic post-apocalyptic feature films featuring a disparate group of unlikely heroes thrown together and forced to eke out survival despite crippling cultural barriers. It could happen.

Stock up on wiper blades

Driving your specially-fortified war wagon through the teeming zombie hordes becomes problematic if your windshield is streaky from worn out wiper blades. Hoard up on all shapes and sizes. You never know when you may be forced to commandeer a poorly maintained pickup truck or airport shuttle. The correct size and configuration of wiper blades may mean the difference between escaping to the safe zone and being marooned in a shopping mall.

Hoard Watches

Time passes slowly while waiting for society to rebuild. A reliable wristwatch won't make your days any more enjoyable, but you will be able to coordinate forays into burned out cities to scavenge for canned goods. Your mini-society will have a stronger sense of community when everyone knows that everyone else knows what time it is. Look for watches with calendars as well: it's nice to take weekends off when the rigors of rebuilding basic infrastructure become overwhelming.

Conclusion

It's easy and fun to order stuff online. Stock up on Top 9 things you should hoard. Don't say we didn't warn you.

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Comments 9 comments

Tony the writer profile image

Tony the writer 4 years ago from Birmingham, England

You made me laugh, voted up and funny. :-)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Tony the writer: High praise, coming from a writer such as yourself. :)


mattforte profile image

mattforte 4 years ago from Spanaway, WA

I'm voting you up because you included T.P.

I saw the title, and seriously thought "If he doesn't have TP on that list, then I'm going to report him."

;-)


dahoglund profile image

dahoglund 4 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

Very cool list.


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

Thank you so much, nicomp, for this amazing hoarders' list. If you had not thoughtfully reminded me, I would have forgotten, OMG, to stock up on wiper blades.


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country

Great list! Now you need to package all of these in a price-inflated survival kit, so people can get all of the necessities in one convienient internet order.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 4 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Seriously? You forgot paper clips?


nicomp profile image

nicomp 4 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Austinstar: Some things go without saying...


CaitsTupperware 4 years ago

Well done! :D

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