10 Easy Ways That "I" Could Upgrade The Art of Hitch-hiking

This pretty hitchhiker is in danger of mean people
This pretty hitchhiker is in danger of mean people
Even the corporate types sometimes hitch- hike
Even the corporate types sometimes hitch- hike | Source

Introduction to hitch-hiking

Let’s set the situation. You, a man or woman, are traveling cross-country having a ball, nothing is worrying you, and in the same fashion as The Grim Reaper, you hear this sickening-explosion. Instinctually, you think it’s a sniper attack. Maybe a land mine hidden in the highway by a sophisticated terrorist group. Your car suddenly veers to the left, then to the right. You are so scared your throat is closed. You cannot scream for help. My oh my, what on earth will you do?

Then it hits you. You have had a simple blow-out, so now you relax, smile and calmly follow the procedure for safely changing a tire. You set the parking brake, turn on your emergency flashers so no one will be stupid enough to hit you. You casually open your trunk, then stand for half an hour trying to understand how to get the small spare tire out along with the car jack that is so complex, you swear the C.I.A. designed it for stake-out duty. But you are a person totally in-charge of the situation and your emotions. You are not scared in the least.

Waiting on a ride
Waiting on a ride
Lonely girl needs a ride
Lonely girl needs a ride | Source

You are doing well on your own

After an hour of changing tires, you put the jack and blown tire in your trunk, buckle your seatbelt, fire-up your automobile, check your appearance in the rear-view mirror and you are ready to roll. You chuckle at how some people under the same circumstances would have panicked. But not you. You are on the “top of your game.”

About two miles down the highway, bam! Oh, no. Another blow-out. This time it is your small spare-tire that has “went south.” Now you are slowly growing concerned. You are officially-stranded on the side of the road in a near-desolate area. Come to think of it, you have not seen another automobile for three hours. Fear, like a Ninja, is creeping into your thoughts. The afternoon sun beats down on your back as you pace back and forth on the roadside trying to figure-out how you will get to your destination.

Ahhh, the old reliable cell phone. You grab the phone like a hungry female Hyena with a litter of pups. Oops, now you remember that you have not charged your phone in days. Plus, the charger is on the nightstand in your bedroom. So you check your trunk in search of some signaling-device to attract someone’s attention. But there are no flares. And if you had a case of flares just whom would you signal? There is no one out here to pick you up.

This girl wants' to head to the beach
This girl wants' to head to the beach | Source

Hitch-hiking to the rescue

You hate it, but you have no choice but to resort to the oldest style of transportation besides walking: Hitchhiking. Sure. This will work. Someone is bound to come down this road eventually. After two hours of walking, your ears perk up at the sound of a car headed your way. You stand up straight, smile and stick-up your thumb. No dice. The driver flips you off as he drives by. Then you read a sticker on his back bumper: “I Hate Hitchhikers, The Lazy Bums,” and now it all becomes clear. Unless someone can see you in total-darkness, you are stuck in the middle of nowhere, alone, tired and now worried about wild animals who might come down from the woodlands on the side of the road and eat you alive. And some wack-o who loves to pick-up stranded people, rob them, and kick them out of their car way down the road. Friend, you have seen way too many movies.

Although this has only been a fictitious situation, I can sympathize for anyone who has to hitchhike today in 2014. It is not an easy way to catch a ride as it used to be when people trusted each other. This day and time you need “an edge,” to be a success at “riding your thumb,” so now I am overjoyed to share with you—

To Keep from Hitchhiking, I Stock My Trunk With These Supplies:

  • A bag of twenty-dollar bills to pay someone to stop and pick me up.
    A miniature bicycle that I can ride instead of hitchhiking.
    Lots of fireworks and flares to get the attention of motorists who will stop and let me ride.
    A mannequin with fake blood on its face to lay in the hghway while I stand over it and cry--surely a traveler with compassion with stop to find out what is wrong, then let me ride with them to my destination.
    A white bed sheet to stretch across the road to get people to stop (out of curosity) and then let me ride.
    An Emmett Kelly costume. No one can resist this sad clown who needs a ride.
    A goat costume to use in case the Emmett Kelly trick fails.
    A flashing L.E.D. sign that says: "Please let me ride. I have a date with a Playboy bunny." Men drivers will stop on a dime to just see if I can set them up with a bunny of their own.
    A huge cardboard sign to use in daytime that says: "Free Super Bowl Tickets for a Ride to The Next Town!"

Always keep these items in the trunk of your car, then you will not have to embarrass yourself by hitchhiking.

Source: Me. Kenneth Avery

Oldest method to get a ride (for women)
Oldest method to get a ride (for women)
Walking will lead to hitch- hiking
Walking will lead to hitch- hiking | Source
Vintage hitch- hiking poster
Vintage hitch- hiking poster

10 Easy Ways That “I” Could Upgrade The Art of Hitchhiking

  1. Jump up and down in the middle of the road until a car stops before it hits me. Then I ask for a ride.
  2. I get down on my knees to get attention, and as a car slows down, I start begging for ride.
  3. When I spot a car not slowing down, I go to my “track star” mode and run alongside of the car. The driver will stop when he or she sees you heaving for breath and shedding tears too, and offer you a ride. (But this tip comes with a catch. You have to stay in tip-top shape the year around).
  4. Start yelling when I see a car coming my way and pointing to the side of the road. People who are naturally-curious will stop to see if I have discovered some lost money or some valuable piece of treasure.
  5. Girls, please DO NOT use the old show your legs to the people driving their cars. This is terribly-dangerous. Some idiot, a sex-crazed man, will stop and pick you up alright, but he might cause you bodily harm, so I suggest that you just cross your arms and look pouty. Some curious men are so curious, they will stop to see why you did not show some leg to get a ride.
  6. As a car or truck approaches, pretend to faint and slump to the ground. Someone with a heart will stop to see if you are okay. Be sure to extend your thanks to the driver.
  7. Have a piece of inflatable lumber in your trunk and lay it in the road. A car WILL stop to avoid damage to their car. Then innocently-ask for a ride, but be quick to say that you were afraid to mess with the lumber for fear it might be a time-bomb.
  8. If you are built like Lou Ferrigno, take your shirt off. Some adoring woman WILL stop and be glad to give you a ride. This will also work if you are built like Bradley Cooper, Donnie Wahlberg or Mark Harmon.
  9. (This tip might be a tad deceptive.) Change into your priest clothing that you keep in your trunk. Most people will let a priest ride with them. Now if the good-hearted person asks, “How long have you been a priest, father?” You just laugh and reply, “Oh, I am not a priest. I just love wearing a priest’s clothing because they look so neat.” NOTE: if the driver has a short temper, be prepared to be put out of their car.
  10. Like me being a track star, when I see an oncoming car, I start jogging down the middle of the road so the car will slow down. Then to stall the driver, I put my hands on my knees and act out of breath. The frustrated-driver will say, “You have a problem, son?” Then you look very pitiful and reply, “Yes, sir. (or yes, ma’am), I need a ride, but I did not want to bother anyone.” Bingo. You are on your way with the driver who appreciates your honesty.

FINAL NOTE: If all of these tips fail, just walk as far as you can. I do not think a

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Comments 11 comments

CatherineGiordano profile image

CatherineGiordano 2 years ago from Orlando Florida

Priest clothing in a trunk? Did you mean the trunk of a car? If you have a car why are you hitchhiking? Surely you ere not referring to a steamer trunk--it's a bit heavy for a hitchhiking.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

I think the best idea is the priest's clothing, but that wouldn't work for us girls. Bummer, because I think most people still trust clergymen - at least enough to give them a ride.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Catherine,

I should have elaborated. Yes, priest clothing in the trunk of my car. But I keep these and other items there in case I have problems and forced to hitch-hike and FYI, the "by" was changed to MY in item 4.

Thanks so much for catching this error and being my friend.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear sheilamyers,

You have a legitimate point, but I am not going to suggest that you girls wear scantily-bikinis and cheap wardrobe that might attract weirdo-o's that might hurt you. I could have suggested that you wear slacks or a female police officer's wardrobe.

Thanks for the comment and why aren't my photos on this hub? Oh well. Time to alert teamathubpages.com

Talk to you soon.


OhMe profile image

OhMe 2 years ago from Pendleton, SC

I hitchhiked one time back in the 60's and hope I don't ever have to do it again. I enjoyed reading


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

OhMe,

Wow! You have done more than I have. In 1972, when I graduated high school, a buddy and I wanted to hitch-hike to California before we both settled and had families and such. We had it planned down to the last detail--walk as far as we could; hitch-hike if safe; sleep in grass fields or the woods if safe too. Work at odd jobs for money to buy food and such, but we never did it. And we are now years older and sorry that we didn't. Try. Thanks for your nice comment and stop in anytime.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

kenneth: You wouldn't find me wearing scanty bikinis or "cheap" clothes at any time. Your mention of a uniform did give me an idea. I could keep my old Navy uniform in the car and, if I break down and need a ride, I can quickly change. Who wouldn't stop to help out a sailor?


sheilamyers 2 years ago

BTW: Missing photos are a problem all over HP. They did something with the servers on Saturday and things have been messed up ever since then. I hope they get it all fixed soon. I think even the scoring system is messed up because the hub I published on Saturday only got a 50 and that's never happened before.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear sheilamyers,

You are a genius and you and I are on the same page. Your idea of keeping your Navy uniform is pure genius. My answer: Hardly anyone wouldn't stop to help a Navy person.

I knew that something was wrong with the hubs last night and I have to email them about my payment. Today is the 29th and I should have been paid today.

Thank you for the genius remark. I am glad that you are my friend.


Lionrhod profile image

Lionrhod 2 years ago from Orlando, FL

LOL great hub. Very funny, and evocative writing at the same time. As a teenager, I used to hitch hike a lot, until a very creepy guy picked me up an I was terrified he wouldn't let me out of the car. (Fortunately he did!) I also recommend changing into the Batman (for men) or Wonder Woman (for women) costume that you keep in your trunk. Who wouldn't stop for a superhero?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Lionrhod! How are you and those in Orlando?

Thank you kindly for such kind remarks. This hub can be taken literally or as fodder for an up and coming stand-up comic, but I am going to just lease my material. LOL.

Batman or Wonder Woman . . .yep. You and I are on the right page, and hey, I am so glad that the creep let you out or my 12 Protective Angels I have had with me over the course of my life would have, well, you know.

Peace to you and visit me anytime

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