20 Things You Can't Do When You Are Intoxicated
No, booze doesn't give you wings to fly upstairs
Right, sweetie, one for the road won't make you look that much dumber
How humanity reacts to drunk people
Human beings try so hard, actually labor, to deceive themselves, and others, that they are not tempted to laugh at people who have “raised too many elbows,” at Uncle Dave’s Retirement Party, and now, they cannot walk, crawl, or think a straight thought.
Two tough things would happen if these self-righteous onlookers were to laugh at drunk people: One, sensitive onlookers would think harsh thoughts about them. And two, the laughing-but-honest onlookers might feel a tug of guilt the next time they do some soul-searching.
And according to my own stats, not one person, righteous, self, or religion-influenced, have ever died of other people’s harsh thought thinking. The same can be said about the onlookers who giggle a tad at the grown man of 55, trying to say the word, “succotash,” but thanks to his thick tongue, it always comes out, “Suck my sash.”
Sad, really. Funny too, at the same moment. What type of person you are, to some, are what you do in the moment the urge to laugh at the poor, stumble bum trying to crawl up the stairs that do not exist and urinate in the men’s rest room that too, doesn’t exist.
Actual footage of people excessively-boozing
She's so pretty to let booze make a wreck out of her
Men, helpless from booze, try laughing to avoid the truth
Being made a fool of by booze
"Kenny Avery's Sharing Excessive-Boozing Escapades"
It’s just a matter of your point of view. Shameful we Americans who used to live on compassion and charity, have digressed to such a barbaric level of holding-in a clean, pure laugh at the alcohol-induced antics put on by drunk people who really live their lives as “stuffed shirts” through the week.
Not that I am bragging, because being the “King of Lamp Shade Wearers,” is nothing to brag about, but I know a lot about boozing and excessive-boozing, and getting to hear from some honest onlookers who got a kick from me showing my butt in places where butt-showing is not permissible.
After awhile, even though sharing “Kenny’s Excessive-Boozing Escapades,” were pure laughfests, they got old. And in time, I grew to hate them. I also grew to almost-hate these honest onlookers that to me, were only put on earth to watch people like me, drink like a school of fish, not just “a fish,” and make a fool of myself.
These people were everywhere I wanted to drink with my friends, other excessive-boozers. Maybe not all of the group of gawking, ever-observant onlookers who knew how to expertly-point, slap their knees, and laugh when I or one of my friends would open a beer whom some practical onlooker had “shook the devil out of,” before we popped the top and boom! Foam all up in my face and soaking my favorite drinking shirt, a true Hawaiian shirt, black with yellow and white flowers. I tell you that people knew I was coming to drink from a mile away.
I’m through with that life. And the dark and light memories that went with it. God deserves the thanks, by the way. I’m also through with this section of my story entitled: “20 Things You Cannot Do if You Are Intoxicated.”
Honestly, as I complied this list, I could only do two, maybe three on the list tops. But I am not telling which three.
And on a seriously-sober note: If you are going down the same squishy road that leads to humiliation, degradation, and self-loathing, I highly-suggest that you stop or cut-back big time on the excessive-boozing. I am not being preachy, just honest.
Overly-excessive boozers pass-out on sidewalk
Alcohol turns these pretty girls with high IQ's into giddy boozers
Confusion is one of alcohol's best tool to disarm a person
What a foolish mistake, pretty young woman
Some of Alcohol's Staggering Statistics
Caron Alcohol Treatment Center, an alcohol-treatment center located in the United States, survey results, many Americans aren’t aware of this information or aren’t taking it seriously. Nearly 80% of U.S. adults have attended a workplace holiday party and 93% have attended a family party, according to the survey. The survey asked adults aged 21+ what they considered to be the acceptable number of drinks during these occasions:
•44% said consuming three or more drinks during family holiday parties was fine as long as the imbiber could “hold their liquor” and refrained from driving
•32% felt three or more drinks was acceptable at workplace holiday parties as long as the person could “hold their liquor” and refrained from driving
Many of these adults also noted via the survey that these parties can quickly become booze fests where there’s no shortage of destructive behavior:
- •60% of those who attended workplace holiday parties have seen someone under the influence of alcohol behave inappropriately. Survey respondents reported that an intoxicated male colleague “slapped a female co-worker on her bottom” and another “threw up on the boss.”
•60% of those who attend family holiday parties also reported that a family member behaved inappropriately after drinking too much alcohol. One respondent shared that alcohol prompted “a knock out drag out fist fight” and another spoke of “emotionally abusive behavior” during a family holiday party. Others said relatives wanted to drive even though they were drunk.
Of those who said they have a co-worker/supervisor who puts themselves in embarrassing situations due to excessive drinking at workplace holiday parties:
•50% saw a co-worker/supervisor share inappropriate personal details about themselves or other colleagues
•45% saw a co-worker/supervisor flirting with another colleague
•43% saw a co-worker/supervisor drive even though he or she was drunk
•35% saw a co-worker/supervisor using excessive profanity
•30% saw a co-worker/supervisor argue, be abusive or engage in sexual activity
Ready, Set, Read
I will start by order of difficulty, danger, and more apt to make onlookers make fun of you.
20. Bake a cake.
19. Babysit children.
18. Read American Literature classics to retired people in the park.
17. Hand out medications to elderly people living in an assisted living center.
16. Win a pickle eating contest.
15. Talk to a gorgeous farmer’s daughter in Iowa.
14. Be a convincing member of Hell’s Angels.
13. Walk a thin wire cable strung across Niagara Falls.
12. Perform classic ballet at Carnegie Hall.
11. Deliver a stirring lecture on a hidden discovery found in the Catholic Church.
10. Help a farmer in Kansas harvest his yearly wheat crop.
9. Hitch-hike from where you live to Nevada.
8. Ride any roller coaster in any amusement park in the United States.
7. Teach a class on “How to Protect Yourself Against Vicious Attack Dogs.”
6. Be the starter, the person who drops the flag, in a grudge-match drag race.
5. Be the guest star on TruTV’s Lizard Lick Towing.
4. Be a responsible parent.
3. Be a supportive husband or wife.
2. Hold down any job given to you.
1. Drive any motor vehicle, any piece of heavy machinery made by mortal man.
(Note: if you can achieve items 1 through 4, without excessive-boozing or drinking entirely, you will be doing four great things that no onlooker, righteous or otherwise, will laugh at.)
Lap it up, ma'am, you are already hooked
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I am not a tough person, mind or body. Not that I haven't dreamed of being man-enough to survive Marine boot camp. But knowing me, I would have been dishonorably-discharged--on day one.
To Emmett Kelly.