8 Solid Reasons Why "I" Will Never Visit The White House

THIS IS IT. "THE" WHITE HOUSE

CURRENT RESIDENCE OF PRESIDENT AND MRS. BARACK OBAMA. KINGS, QUEENS, CELEBRITIES OF ALL WALKS OF LIFE HAVE VISITED THIS PLACE, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT "I" WILL NEVER VISIT THIS LAVISH LANDMARK.
CURRENT RESIDENCE OF PRESIDENT AND MRS. BARACK OBAMA. KINGS, QUEENS, CELEBRITIES OF ALL WALKS OF LIFE HAVE VISITED THIS PLACE, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT "I" WILL NEVER VISIT THIS LAVISH LANDMARK.

Other important people and events inside The White House . . .

Just look at this magnificent Christmas tree in the White House. They don't grow them this big in Alabama. You can bet your Wolverine work boots on that one.
Just look at this magnificent Christmas tree in the White House. They don't grow them this big in Alabama. You can bet your Wolverine work boots on that one.
President Obama (left) listens to an intelligent man who is talking to him about an upcoming political conference that Mr. Obama needs to attend.
President Obama (left) listens to an intelligent man who is talking to him about an upcoming political conference that Mr. Obama needs to attend.
Christmas in the White House. What a gala event. Man, I wish I could just take the president and first lady a present such as a gift certificate from Walmart for $100.00.
Christmas in the White House. What a gala event. Man, I wish I could just take the president and first lady a present such as a gift certificate from Walmart for $100.00.
Pretty First Lady, Michelle Obama meets a tour of visitors who have been cleared to walk with her on a visit to the White House. I am NOT in this tour group.
Pretty First Lady, Michelle Obama meets a tour of visitors who have been cleared to walk with her on a visit to the White House. I am NOT in this tour group.
President Obama (in white shirt) and friends gaze out the window of Air Force One. What a view that must be.
President Obama (in white shirt) and friends gaze out the window of Air Force One. What a view that must be.
President Obama takes time out from shaking hands of important people to snap their photo. What a treat. Having the most-powerful man in the free world snap your photo.
President Obama takes time out from shaking hands of important people to snap their photo. What a treat. Having the most-powerful man in the free world snap your photo.
President Obama meets with his Cabinet and Special Advisors to discuss an important issue that will affect us, the citizens of the United States. I don't see any coffee on this table.
President Obama meets with his Cabinet and Special Advisors to discuss an important issue that will affect us, the citizens of the United States. I don't see any coffee on this table.
President Obama (center) at work in the Oval Office signing an important document that will undoubtably change our lives in some way.
President Obama (center) at work in the Oval Office signing an important document that will undoubtably change our lives in some way.
I will never get to ride the White House Helicopter with whomever the president is no matter the year. It's a tough cross to bear being an unknown in your own country.
I will never get to ride the White House Helicopter with whomever the president is no matter the year. It's a tough cross to bear being an unknown in your own country.

Don't ask me what happened. For I don't know. I awoke this morning, February 21, at 6 a.m. (cst), got out of bed, poured myself a cup of fresh "Eight O'Clock" coffee and sat down on my couch to read my daily Bible verses. Everything was quiet. Peaceful. I thought it was to be just another day in the obscure life of yours truly, Kenneth Avery, of Hamilton, Alabama.

And I was right. I finished my breakfast, a delicious Lender's bagel with cream cheese, poured myself another cup of "Eight O' Clock" coffee and watched a Bible teacher on my DirecTV system whose name was Lester Sumrall. He was a nice man. Then I fell asleep. No offense to Sumrall. Or DirecTV.

Then I awoke. Again. And headed for my workroom where I have my DELL PC. I sat down to boot-up my computer, and before I realized what was going on, it hit me. And I mean hit me harder than Clay Matthews, vicious defensive end for the Green Bay Packers. That is hard, my friends. My ears rang for about five minutes. I almost called our local 9-1-1, but the ringing in my ears stopped along with my racing heart. I was okay. Thank God.

From what I could gather, I was the victim of a mini-panic attack. Those are rough, friends. If you never had a panic attack, count yourself blessed. And the reason I panicked was not of anything important. Hey, when I hit the hay tonight, I will have already forgotten this episode. But knowing how my mind works, I may just dream about why I almost freaked-out in my workroom. All by myself. What a lonely existence. Having a near-serious panic attack with no one to say, "Kenneth, will you live? Can I have your vinyl albums if you die?" That is lonely, my friends.

Now for the reason I had a panic attack: I suddenly realized today, February 21, 2012, that "I" will NEVER, (that means not a chance) get to visit our nation's capitol in Washington, D.C., and get to meet our nation's president (Obama or whomever is president at the time) and tour our nation's most-prestigious landmark. This is a serious revelation, my friends who can relate to my sad awakening.

I just cannot understand this. I've been a loyal citizen of the United States for 58 years. Filed my taxes regularly. Tried to obey our civil laws. And for the most part, lived a quiet and peaceful life among my neighbors--never doing anything to draw attention to myself. Well except for that one time I wrecked (accidentally) my brother-in-law Tim's new Suzuki dirt bike. The neighbors first gasped in horror as I crossed the road in front of his house doing a "wheelie" and then hee-hawed in laughter as I crashed to earth underneath a fence belonging to a good neighbor, John Tuck. No, State Farm was not there. But that is all I can think of that would make anyone believe that I've not led mostly a quiet and uneventful life here in Hamilton, Alabama.

So after my panic attack disappeared, I poured myself another cup of "Eight O'Clock" coffee and sat down in my living room and began to do some serious soul-searching. Some tough thinking. Both are equal to a day of hard labor to me. But after a few hours of searching myself for any and all possibilities of why "I" will never visit the White House, I poured myself the last cup (in my coffeemaker) of "Eight O'Clock" coffee and started to write this hub. This really sad and heart-wrenching hub of sadness. Pain. And personal defeat. A hub entitled . . .

"8 Solid Reasons Why "I" Will Never Visit The White House" . . .

REASON NUMBER 8

I am an unknown to the powers-that-be who run the White House. Oh I know that the I.R.S., probably the F.B.I and maybe the C.I.A. know all my pertinant information, but as for knowing me on a first-name basis, no way. I can prove it. During the last budget crisis, I called the White House "800" number, (available on Google), and a man answered. It wasn't Mr. Obama. I asked if I may speak with the president. He sharply replied, "who is this?" I politely told him my name and address. I wasn't ashamed of who I was. He told me that I could sent the president an email and it would be read by Obama. I asked if he wanted my address and phone number to which he sharply replied. Again, "no. That's okay." And hung up. This is why "I" will never see the inside of the White House. But if "I" were important. Say someone like Jerry Seinfeld, David Letterman, or Nick Saban, head coach of the NCAA BCS National Champions, The Alabama Crimson Tide, I might get in to see the White House. But not as myself. This is a sad day for yours truly. I am now spiralling down in deep depression.

REASON NUMBER 7

Clothes. I do not own any clothes that are swanky or flashy enough to have anyone of such high station as the president of the United States or his lovely wife, see me in public. I am a walking "fashion embarrassment". I am not telling a lie. I am not ashamed of my rural clothes, it's just that I do not have funds to buy what important people wear when they visit the White House. And I think it inappropriate to ask anyone for the money to buy a new suit of clothes to wear one time to walk around in the White House. I have my pride to think of.

REASON NUMBER 6

My speech. And diction. If you ever talk to me on the phone. Or in-person, it won't take you very long to realize that the way I talk is definitely a handicap by way of getting to see the White House. Mr. Obama and his Secret Service agents do not have time to listen to someone from rural northwest Alabama say things like, "gosh, Mr. Obama, this is surely a hum-dinger of an office you have here," or "gosh almighty, what a big door that is," they are used to people from all over the United States and Europe with high IQ's, Ph.d's, Masters of Education and Doctors of Medical Science who have graduated from honored institutions as Harvard, Brown University, Cambridge University, M.I.T. and The University of Alabama who can "talk the talk" with Mr. Obama, who by the way is an eloquent, well-educated man. No way in purgatory that my way of talking will ever get me invited to shake hands with our president. Whomever that may be after November 2012.

REASON NUMBER 5

my geographic location. No one, in my county's existence, has ever toured the White House. Marion County is two and half hours west of Birmingham, home of former Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice, but no one from Marion County, my home county, has never set one foot in the White House. And there is a sad reason: Marion County has not produced any Nobel Peace Prize winners; Pulitzer Prize winners; Man of The Year; Woman of The Year or anyone with an idea that would benefit the United States and the world by way of medicine, education or entertainment. Sunk again. Here in rural northwest Alabama. A dismal place if you are me.

REASON NUMBER 4

my vocation. None. But not by choice. In 2003, I became disabled. But even if I hadn't become disabled, there is no way that someone like me who worked for 23 years in the newspaper industry would ever see the White House up-close. But, if I had been a talented singer or songwriter such as Stevie Wonder, Bono of U2, or rap idol, Snoop Dogg, my ticket would be punched. I would be at the White House so much people would think that I lived there. But with my former vocation, no way in creation. I am not going to even try anymore to get myself invited to the White House.

REASON NUMBER 3

President and Mrs. Obama do not know that Kenneth Avery exists. To them I am like you, only a number in the Social Security and I.R.S. data systems. Face it. People like you and I are not "White House Visit" material and all the years I thought that any American or European citizen who had been cleared by Homeland Security could visit the White House and be greeted with genuine friendliness. Was I stupid or what? Even with my email I sent Mr. Obama with my honest views on the national budget, I still didn't get invited. I give up.

REASON NUMBER 2

My wife. I won't use her name because she made me swear to never use her name or else. And I've been on the other end of that "else" many times, so I will just say my wife. I married a woman who is not famous, an Ivy League grad, or singing star. She is as common as me, but of a more-humble heart. She doesn't like attention. She does her thing at being a department manager at our local Walmart Super Center in Hamilton, Alabama. I am proud of her and the life she has lived. But if I had, say, married a hot babe like Jessica Alba of "Dark Angel," and "The Fantastic Four," well, Obama would be flooding my mailbox with personal invitations. But what have my wife and I done for our country besides pay taxes and not protest against anything the federal government has in the past, not much. I guess that is why we might as well be content with our obscure status and give up on visiting the White House.

REASON NUMBER 1

I can guess with solid confidence that the number one reason "why 'I' Will Never Visit The White House," is: I do not especially care for the NFL's Chicago Bears. Now don't get angry with me. I love their head coach, Lovie Smith. And in the day, Gale Sayers and Dick Butkus, but after they left, the Bears lost something: MANY GAMES. And since President Obama hails from Chicago, Illinois, he knows my loyalty (thanks to secret background checks) to the Green Bay Packers and Adrian Rodgers.

But all is not lost. I know of a sure-fire way of getting to see (some) of the White House. The Oval Office and President Obama too . . .

I simply phone up the White House's 800 number and make harmless threats against Obama and hang up. Within hours, I will get a FREE escort in an unmarked limousine to meet with Secret Service, F.B.I. and Homeland Security agents. And Mr. Obama too.

They will take pleasure in asking me many questions. Many of which I can answer too. Oh what a day that might be. I would be on the CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN and Headline News that evening for my friends and family to see. I would even wave at them.

But now that I think it over . . .

President Obama is a pretty decent guy. I wouldn't want to cause him any unwanted stress now that he is running for re-election. That's a stress-builder for sure.

Maybe if I voted for him . . .reckon that would help?


More by this Author


Comments 14 comments

barryrutherford profile image

barryrutherford 4 years ago from Queensland Australia

You list all the reasons why you should!


anndavis25 profile image

anndavis25 4 years ago from Clearwater, Fl.

Kenneth, if you don't already have, you should have, a column in some paper. Your articles are fun and I know you would be a hit.

I have always wanted to visit Washington when the cherry trees are in full bloom, and of course, the White House.

As for your panic attacks. I can solve that for you.

You are getting up at 6 a.m., but you are drinking 8 O'Clock coffee. You are out of sinc. See if you can't find some 6 O'Clock coffee. Or, get up at 8.


hoteltravel profile image

hoteltravel 4 years ago from Thailand

Kenneth, the loss is Mr and Mrs Obama's. Or whoever occupies the office after November 2012. I agree with the comment above that you should have a column in a newspaper or magazine, if you are not already having one. Of course hubbers need their daily dose of wit and humor. But so do the reading public. Another gem from you to liven up a mid-week morning. Voted up, funny and awesome. Shared as well.


pseudo-scripto14 profile image

pseudo-scripto14 4 years ago from Philippines

Ken, What a complete narrative and descriptive way of creating hub! It's enjoyable and you had me at the title! You captured my interest in a level that others don't! You're a creative writer which I admire for such different approach in writing stories! Hat's off! Brilliant mind coupled with witticism! Kudos! Now, I'm a fan!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Kenneth, another great hub! There are a lot of things better than visiting the White House...and I'm a country loving citizen, so don't mean it in a bad way! Maybe you'll get to do some of them! You never know where life will take you.


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

Kenneth,

It is 3:04am, and I am still up, because I had a bad headache, that is until I started reading your hub.

I am sorry about your attack. And after I say that---I have to tell you I started laughing--because you are so funny, and I can read between the lines.

I laughed so much until my head is feeling better.

So, now you are a long distance doctor of sorts, because you cured my headache.

I would love to know what you really think about not going to the White House.

Thanks for the laugh,

Bobbi


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Barry, you may be right. Thanks a million for the wonderful comment. I will tell Barack, oops, Mr. President when we go golfing instead of working on our national budget crisis.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Ann,

Thank you for YOUR sweet words of confidence. And you are right. I WOULD LOVE a column in a newspaper somewhere in a big city...I could email it in...and great news for YOU: I have just HIRED YOU as my Personal Advisor and Psychological Physician . . .you cured my problem of panic attacks....loss of sleep; getting up too early. I like your latter diagnosis..."6 O'Clock" coffee and wake up at 8. LOVE IT.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, hoteltravel . . .that is very kind of you to say. Thanks so much. I truly believe that WE ALL could book a visit to the White House via HubPages' CEO and directors making the call to their PR people. Say about 200 Hubbers from all walks of life and regions, converge on the White House with YOU as our leader....a great time would be in store for us. And I can hear the tour guide, "any questions?" I would swiftly reply, "Yes. Does a FREE lunch come with this tour?" And if the answer was no, then we'd have plenty of people for an "Occupy The White House" event for free lunch!!! Are you game?

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, pseudo and thank you kindly for your nice comment on this hub. I do my best, but honestly, YOU and ALL of those on this comment section are far more talented than I. I just try to maintain my own level and be content. You have a great day.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DEAR catgypsy . . .thank you so much. I love your comments that make me feel like writing hubs all day long, but as life would have it today, I am just not up for hubbing today that much. I do have some future ideas, but not going to share them now for I love to keep YOU and others in suspense. LOL.

Thanks again, cat.

Love ya for your visits and words,

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Bobbi,

firstly, I am so sorry for you having a headache. Those are demons to deal with. I know. And that long distance house call is ON THE HOUSE. This time. I usually get around $15.00 for my visits plus a homemade apple pie and a cup or two of black coffee. Thanks, Bobbi, for your comments. I always cherish what you and my followers say to me. And feed on all of your words throughout the day.

Hope you are better now.

Kenneth


Sueswan 4 years ago

Dearest Kenneth,

This is a hum-dinger of a hub my friend. LOL. Have your ever thought of inviting Barrack and Michele to your humble abode eh?(threw in a little Canadian there) ;-)

Of course, you would have to get the okay from your wife first.

Voted up up and away!

Have a good evening. :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Susan . . .great idea. Why would I have to get my companion's permission? Any time the president and his wife visit anyone in a rural town like mine is big news on Fox, CNN and Headline News. I think I will do that. I have the White House Page in my "favorites" and what do I have to lose? What a great idea, Susan!

Thanks a Million!

Kenneth

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working