Are Women Emotional, Silly, Crazy, or a Bigger Enigma?
I will never understand women, and curiously I am one, which makes the whole thing an awkward issue, especially when people don't realize I'm female, read one of my articles, and tell me what a misogynistic bastard I am. I am not sure if it’s even possible to possess female anatomy and be a misogynist. Then again Florence Nightingale, nurse of the ages, was against woman’s suffrage, something about women being too emotional to rationally vote for anyone… (Isn't it sad when we see our childhood heroes vanquished into a murky abyss in just one sentence? It’s true though, look it up if you don’t believe me…) All of that set aside I'm still flattered everyone who thinks I'm a failure as a woman takes the time out of their day to leave a comment and say hi. Hi!
Anyway, my existential prattling aside, I stand by my first statement. Women are strange creatures who no one can understand, not even most women themselves. Why do I say such things? Because I look all around me at the people walking by, the attitudes of society, what’s being discussed on the internet, and what’s being reported in the news and I am constantly twisting my head to one side like a confused owl going, “Whaaaaat?”
One day, in my early twenties, I was perusing the pharmacy isles when I meandered into the make-up section, an area of the store I admittedly never bothered with. And then curiosity got the better of me when I saw in a little cellophane package of what appeared to me to be a medieval torture device. “What the hell is that?” I said to my friend who was walking aside me. “it’s an eyelash crimper.” “A what?!” “An eyelash crimper – you know for your eye lashes, to curl them.” The fact eye lashes needed to be curled was news to me. Why? My eye lashes grow where they’re supposed to grow and to date I have NEVER heard a man say, “I knew I was into her when I first saw her eye lashes. Oh, they were so crimped!” By the way, if you've ever heard a man say this… there’s a 180% possibility he’s either gay, trapped in a man’s body, or one of those creepy eyelash fetishists that only exist on one forum on the internet.
This is what women tell me – they “primp” to look good for potential dates. I sort of understand that – I mean you don’t want to be walking around looking frumpy when Prince Charming comes strolling along. Another opposing side of thought argues this – whhhhy?? Why put that much effort into something most men won’t notice to begin with?? And why would you doll yourself up to the hilt when you’re first dating someone when you know as soon as he puts that ring on your finger you’re throwing out all the negligees and replacing them with gray sweatpants. And make-up? Hahaha… You’re married now, no need to look nice unless you’re “going out.” No wonder why guys gets so many crazy ideas and expectations. We've been playing the world’s longest bait and switch game!
And what is this obsession with being thin? I mean if you want to be fit and healthy fine, all the power to you, but wishing to look like a giant stick insect?? And being jealous of your teenage self?? I got a mind boggling fact for you. You know why teenagers are thin? Because they’re in the latter stages of childhood. They’re busy growing, evolving, dealing with their hormones, and when it’s all over they’re in their early twenties and their bodies suddenly decide, “Hey! I’m at the correct breeding age right now – it’s probably best to pack on a few pounds and develop some curves to attract some mates and ensure that if I conceive that I probably will be able to bring the baby to term, even if a drought hits.” That’s what we’re made for! We’re not made to be perpetual flat children!
This weight thing really gets to me when I go clothes shopping. Now, according to the BMI, (the Body Mass Index) which was developed by doctors, I am a normal and healthy weight. I’m not too thin, I’m not too fat, I’m average. So why am I shopping in the “plus size” section?! Is this some twisted psychological game the stores play to make sure the people there have low enough self-esteem to keep shopping for more clothes??
This is what is the most mind boggling thing of all – men are not the source for all women’s woes. Women are. It’s women who make these things normal! Who pester their peers to do the same! Who keep adding new bizarre rituals and beauty products to their routines! Did you know that while we’re sitting in tanning salons in the US there are women in India spending billions of dollars on often dangerous bleaching products to look paler? It’s obvious that globally speaking we agree on nothing except whatever you are isn't good enough. Too pale skinned, too dark skinned, too short, too tall, too skinny, too fat, too whatever. You need improvement and lots of it! Here! Try this creepy little bottle of whatever!
And while women are snarking at each other and buying into new absolutely mental beauty products and diet supplements men are out in the world doing strange things… for one they’re inventing things - for women. Did you know a man invented tampons?? Of all the things a man could invent… tampons?! And why did he invent them? Was it to make women more comfortable? More in control? To give them a break from trying to figure out how to remove blood stains? No! He invented them because he thought there could be a profit to be made – and he was right. In addition to this he added an applicator to appease the Catholics who thought manual instillation might be too...pleasurable... for women. Now tampons aren't all bad, they do deliver what they claim, and women like them for their own womanly reasons but there are other products that will really make you wonder like lady shavers. Have you ever asked yourself why women in our society have this weird intense desire to shave almost their entire bodies bald? It is so encrypted in our culture now we all think it’s normal to do this but whhhy? It’s because Schick and some other shaver companies felt they weren't selling enough blades, that there was a HUGE untapped market – women! So they started to flood the media with ads exclaiming how wonderful it was to have smooth legs and no armpit hair. Eventually that evolved into new hairdos for your hoohoos. HUH??
You know what I do, what I have always done, as a woman and as a human? I have bathed, brushed my teeth, and made sure I didn't smell. Beyond this I have dressed in a manner that doesn't make me look like another run-of-the-mill trollop for sale – I know a lot of women adore the attention they get for doing this I’d rather be seen first and foremost as an intelligent human being worth talking to, not just another pair of fun bags. Call me crazy… And then when all that is done, I do nothing! You know how much extra time I have in my day and how much less stress I feel? And guess what, the people in my life accept me for who and what I am and I would have it no other way. So who want to join me in sanity? Anyone?
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