Ban Gunowners

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Guns owners are disrespectful of authority. A failure to rely on authorities is an invariable sign of improper and overly independent attitudes. The mere fact that they gather together to talk about guns at gun shops, gun shows, shooting ranges, and on the internet means that they have some plot going against us normal people. A gun owner has no right to associate with another gun owner.*

Therefore, to help ensure our right to happiness and safety we must ban and seize all guns from private hands*, and forbid NRA-based criticism* towards people who are only trying to help. Searching the homes of all NRA members for any guns and pro-gun literature* will go a long way towards reducing crime. If we need help doing this we can invite people like the Australians and Norwegians to help rummage through people's property.

Common sense requires only uniformed soldiers, police, and other agents of the state have access to firearms, and think of all the money we can save by just taking away the guns from private owners* and giving them to the military and police. No person should be able to challenge this by writing to Congress or the President.* If they do they should be forced in court to admit to it* and then fined a hundred million dollars for each time.* Subjecting them to torture will probably change their minds.*

Making it mandatory that church ministers preach against guns* or else they can't get licensed* will certainly force the church folk onto our side.*

We must have a nationwide vote whether or not to get rid of all guns but those who own guns should not be allowed to cast a ballot.

People who don't like all this prove they are on the side of the killers with the guns and should be put in jail* along side all the gangbangers and other gun nuts. Letting them sit in jail for a few years before they are charged* will give the government plenty of time to find something wrong in their lives. Anything they say, write, or express should be held against them* to prove their guilt. We should bring all of them here to Chicago* to be tried by Mayor Rahm as judge,* and we should allow only mothers who have lost children to gunfire to be on the juries.* Any attorney who tries to defend them should be arrested also.* If we don't get the right verdict the first time we can just keep trying them until we do.*

No woman needs to protect herself from rape, assault or murder and should just leave crime prevention to the Police who are properly equipped to investigate following the crime's completion. Women using a gun in self-defense interferes with and makes the attempted crime a "non-event," which unnecessarily complicates the Police investigation. Any woman who does this should be put in jail for interfering with an investigation.

If someone still really, really thinks they have a need for a gun in their home for protection then the Army should just force them to host and feed some armed soldiers.*

Those who claim that the 2nd amendment was given to because we might someday need guns to use against an oppressive government forget that Constitution has strong internal safeguards to protect our freedoms. So there!

Long live our Constitution!

[Asterisks are there in the article for a reason, Dear Readers. Please puzzle them out before you comment.]

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Comments 17 comments

Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder

... and pencils are responsible for all spelling mistakes...


Rocque profile image

Rocque 6 years ago from California

This is not to be taken seriously, is it?

What country are we talking about here?


Neil MacMillan 6 years ago

At the bootom of your post you write "Long Live our Constitution!' Yet, what you advocate is nothing less than gutting the Bill of Rights. AS a gun-owner I respect authority and spent 16 years of my life defending the constitution. I can only hope that your article is sarcastic and not meant to be taken literally.

What you advocate in short is overthrowing the constitutional republic and replacing it with a dictator ship that strips us of all rights. If this is your believe, kindly emigrate to someplace more to your liking. I recommend the People's Republic of North Korea. Long live the constitutional republic of the United States of America!


readytoescape profile image

readytoescape 6 years ago from Central Florida

Your arguement was lost with your first sentence. Inane by the second and reading any further is just an insult to the use of the written word.


outdoorsguy profile image

outdoorsguy 6 years ago from Tenn

actually I found this article to be entertaining Satire. LOL.


Madame X 6 years ago

Come on guys, where's your sense of humor? :)

Excellent article!!


snipe609 6 years ago

long live n.korea give me a puff of that you are smoking.


Superman05 profile image

Superman05 6 years ago from Philadelphia

I enjoyed this witty satire. Well done.


Coowallsky 6 years ago

Excellent as always Jack. Miss you up on Topix.


Jason R. Manning profile image

Jason R. Manning 5 years ago from Sacramento, California

Seriously, it’s the people who cannot see this as a satire of those who REALLY wish to suppress law abiding citizens that scare the daylights out of me. Wow, take your money out of the bank and go buy a clue…oh wait, you cant, because you gave Obama your change, and mine, and my daughters. Great hub, absolute up vote, down with the citizen!

Good job Mr. Burton, I could read between the lines.


Longhunter 5 years ago

I had to look twice. Good satire. t actually sounds like some of the people that try to debate me on gun control. Great hub!


Jason R. Manning profile image

Jason R. Manning 4 years ago from Sacramento, California

Hey, I came back to up vote you again, it let me...I still cannot believe how many Hubbers were duped by this, America is starting to really scare me.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 4 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Great satire!


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 4 years ago from California

Must confess I did a redo after the first run through. You might have been mistaken for a radical.


Grump 4 years ago

Haven't had a good laugh in a few days, this fixed it!


Dan Griffin 4 years ago

Haha. Asterisks = Bill of Rights violations. Very good.


alpheus.madsen@gmail.com 13 months ago

Although this is satire, the scary thing is, anti-gun folk have advocated for some of these things, and perhaps even all of them, at one time or another...

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