Been gone for awhile

The beginning of the end

The past two or three months have been hell or worse. That is the devastating effect of bipolar disorder and it's extreme highs and lows. It can only be described as the wildest, most intoxicating of europhoia and the deepest and blackest of depressions. Once caught up in the game you are powerless to escape its grip. The ride is a desent into the depths of hell.

Been gone awhile? The question is spoken with a beguiling innocence, but hides the ulterior motive we know exists. "Gone awhile" is another way of asking politely if you have been in the hospital, the mental hospital or just in isolation. But I realize that it is an accurate description of this extreme phase of my illness. I don't know when I left, two or three months ago... if it was actually physical absence or gone in my mind. But anyway I have been gone awhile.

I didn't feel myself slipping away. It was just like all the sudden I wasn't here anymore. No writing articles, no journal entries, not a sign of life in the shell of a body that I once occupied. No laughter, no tears, no joy, no emotion. Just sheer utter blackness that I couldn't tear my way out of, so dark, so thick, I didn't have the energy to even try. This is called the flat affect. No feelings, no emotions....just the emptiness that is being GONE.

 

 

Gone where??

 I don't know where. They tell me I was distant. Sitting or lying for hours without moving or saying a word, my face a blank, my eyes a vacant stare. I don't remember. Days, weeks and months spent in exile from the world and everything in it. I didn't want to come back. The refrain of a song runs through my mind "Baby, Baby, stay...right where you are...I like it this way, its good for my heart".

Recurrent thoughts of suicide float through my mind... a peace and calm envelopes me. How nice to just drift away and stay gone. Who would miss me?? Anyone?? Who would care?? I can't think...focus..remember. I don't care at this point. My meds are adjusted, several times, to no avail. Nothing or no one can reach me. I'll be gone for awhile.

In this period of maddness, my mind fails me, my intellect and knowledge are virtually absent in this existence. You can't forget because you don't remember. The good times, the bad times, people you love, people you hate... all gone. Nothing left but you and your mind in the endless dance of seduction, anger, irritability and nothingness.

I just want to be "Gone for awhile". I guess I was, mentally, physically and emotionally GONE.

 

Coming Home

 After weeks and months of spiraling, you awake and see the sunshine, smell the rain, feel the blood run through your veins. In this moment of sudden lucidity, you know you are still alive. All the people and things that were once important to you are once again there. You suddenly realize you have lost time in this circus that you have for a life. Everyone hovers close, caring, curious and hopeful. The desire to be suddenly, permenately gone has passed. I can even manage a smile.

Little by little, I find myself coming to life, coming home. I manage to write again a few short articles, a few journal entries... I begin to worry about my writing scores, my meds, the things that are important when I am normal, or as close to normal as I can get. The weight on my shoulders isn't as heavy... the pain isn't as intense. There is even a glimpse of happiness in the distance. I have finally made it home, one more time. This time I was lucky, I conquered the demons inside me and found my way back.

A tear slides down my cheek...I cry for the time I have lost, the things I have missed in my absence.

I've been gone for awhile...its good to be back.

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Comments 9 comments

christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 6 years ago from Dallas Texas Author

Shona And Sue, Thank you for your comments. It has been rough, then when your support system consists only of yourself it is even harder. It is true no one who has not suffered this illnes can begin to imagine what it is like and how terrifying it can be. To know that in a moment of being lost in the maddness you could actually take your own life not really meanibg to is horrifying. I am a 4th time suicide attempt and my worst fear is of one day actually completeing the act. I guess the worst thing has been having the ones who don't understand to tell me to snap put of it, my God I wish it were that easy. Truly, no one would choose to live this way.

With best wishes and warmest regards,

Chris


Shona Venter profile image

Shona Venter 6 years ago from South Africa

You are in my prayers christalluna1124. As a fellow writer who suffers from bouts of depression at times, I do know how you feel, and no one could have described any better how it feels than this hub has just done. Sometimes you are there, and sometimes not. Those around you who have never experienced it, have no idea how it feels to be there.

Keep up the writing, and I will keep looking out for you. You are an inspiration to the rest of us :-)


Sue1226 profile image

Sue1226 6 years ago from Dallas, Texas

Glad to see you back, I know what you mean I have days like that, and every time we make it back, we are lucky.


christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 6 years ago from Dallas Texas Author

Heart,

thanks for your prayers...could use lots of those now. Its been a rough three months.

warmest regards,

Chris


heart4theword profile image

heart4theword 6 years ago from hub

Will be praying for you too:) Had no idea, the added difficulties that have been put upon you. I pray, God will give you a renewed strength and clearer vision.


christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 6 years ago from Dallas Texas Author

Heart, Exploring and Boo,

You have no idea how much your words have meant to me and only someone who has been there can truly understand the depths of hell that thid disease can bring. I am so happy to hear from each and everyone of you. I love you guys, you are the only friends i have since I am now confined to my home 24/7 due to both mental and physical disabilities. I have missed you all and hubpages. I have to use speech regonition software now since my vision is severely imparied due to multilple seziures. please let me know if the spelling is that bad. my son helps me read. God Bless and keep each and everyone of you. You are always in my prayers. Boo...Hang in there. Thank you for your compassion and understanding. love you all.

warmest regards,

Been Gone for awhile...I'm trying to get back.

Chris


crazybeanrider profile image

crazybeanrider 6 years ago from Washington MI

Glad you are back Chris, I know where you have been. It is a souless place with little desire. Take your time, you will feel good again. You will flourish again. I have been there. I gave up everything to live in my own little bubble. I slowly worked my way back. I am so glad to hear you are doing better, looking forward to seeing you around. Take good care, let the sun shine in.

Boo


always exploring profile image

always exploring 6 years ago from Southern Illinois

I missed you Christal, i looked for you everyday. I know about your illness,two sisters, one brother and a niece

all have the Bipolar disorder. I,m so glad u are back.

u are such a gifted writer.

God Bless You


heart4theword profile image

heart4theword 6 years ago from hub

Welcome Back Christal, was wondering why we didn't see much activity from you. Could be you were under an oppression, not depression? Be looking forward to seeing more of your writings, come to the surface:) Be encouraged, you were missed!

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