Bullying - My Story. (GLBT issues)

Overcoming the fear of bigotry, hatred and intolerance is a daunting task for anyone to have to face by themselves.

This is a personal story of struggle against a hateful (hate-filled) society.

One person's struggle with learning to live with fear and unfounded guilt.

It is a bitter lesson to finally learn that "haters" are bigger losers than those that they hate.

This is a prelude to the series: My Life as a Male Nurse.

These news headlines are far too frequent and never ending.

Last week was national bullying awareness week with a week long expose` and discussions on CNN with many prominent guests and experts.

I watched each day, with tears in my eyes, as the brave young victims gave testimony to their pain and suffering.

I wept for the victims that committed suicide because of an ignorant, uneducated and uncaring society, when they could see no other way of escaping their tormentors.

Today as i reflect on the heart wrenching news of the past week and those tragic events that could (should) have been avoided, i came to a startling realization.

I, too, was a victim of the bullying and hatefulness of that same malicious society so many years past. I knew i was 'different' when i was six years old.

I remember watching others being bullied and tormented, both physically and emotionally, and vowed it would not happen to me.

I chose a different course of action by losing myself in poetry writing and studying.

I learned to just ignore what was happening around me. I reluctantly accepted the fact that in that world of the past there was no other recourse for people like me to be accepted other than to simply learn how to live under the radar, and hope no-one noticed me at all. I became one of societies "invisible people".

I was an 'A' student through my school years when it was not politically correct for boys to be the 'smart' students. It was accepted that the girls were the smarter ones.

I avoided all conflict by using humor, was voted class clown, and got a favorable reception from the other guys in my class when i did their home work for them so they could pass, and thus leave me alone. It always kept me one grade ahead of my classmates as i also did the home work for the guys in the grade ahead of me.

A small price to pay for not being bullied as some of the other kids were.

After graduating from high school i began working as a bookkeeper-office manager and found this work to be not very challenging for me. It was tedious, repetitive and boring. I never considered college because I always felt i wasn't smart enough, or didn't think i was worthy enough to pursue a career.

After listening to society in general and listening to those awful priests preaching hell fire and brimstone for eternity for ''people like me", I just gave up and thought there was little or nothing i could do to avoid my destiny in hell with the devil. I did consider suicide, many times, but decided against it as i did not want to hurry my inevitable fate in hell.

I hid in the shadows on the fringe of society until i met my friend and my soul mate,

[you can read that story in my hub http://dwilliam.hubpages.com/hub/My-Life-in-the-Closet.]

After his death, a deep depression set in that lasted for many years.

I went to work in a mental institution as a nursing assistant, and realize now that it was for my own self protection. I remember thinking that at least i would be among my own kind - the mentally handicapped misfits.. I made a couple of feeble attempts at suicide that obviously failed (overdosing) and left me physically sick for weeks after each attempt.

I worked seven days a week, and many 16 hour shifts. I never missed work but in my private life suffered from severe agoraphobia for a period of five years.

[ Agoraphobia: abnormal fear of being helpless in an embarrassing or inescapable situation that is characterized by the avoidance of open or public places, crowded places and people in general]

I had severe panic attacks and suffered with acute anxiety syndrome.

I left my apartment only to go to and from work.

My grocery shopping trips were a nightmare. The best time to go was on a Wednesday morning about one hour after they opened. There would be very few people at that time of day. If anyone spoke to me, during the shopping i would have an anxiety attack so severe that i would leave the shopping cart with food in it in the aisle and go home as fast as i could. And try again the next Wednesday morning.

This is probably why i spent so much time at work. There was a cafeteria that served breakfast, lunch and supper every day to the employees. Oddly enough I also had only mild or no anxiety attacks at work. I did excel on the job - it was easy to care for people less fortunate than myself and gave me some semblance of self worth.

When the nurses started pushing me to go to nursing school i would panic at the very thought of the classrooms and necessity to interact with others outside of work.

When i finally decided i had had enough isolation in my life, i set out on a quest to overcome my fears.

Those first attempts are still vivid in my mind. I would get in my car, drive out of the driveway and have a panic attack so severe i thought i would die from it, so i would turn around, go back home and go to bed. But the determination to overcome was strong. I got angry at myself and kept repeating over and over again "everyone else can do this, so can i. I will do it or die trying". Life wasn't much worth living the way that it was.

It was a slow painful progression from going outside the driveway to the next street, then the next block, then to the parking lot of the department store which was my ultimate goal. I was determined to go into that department store and buy myself some new clothes instead of doing all my shopping from a catalog. The first time i walked through those automatic doors and into the bright fluorescent lighting I became instantly nauseous, dizzy and panicked. I all but ran back to my car and went home and cried at my failure.

My determination was strong and it overcame the fear. Eventually i was even able to grocery shop other days of the week besides Wednesdays without panic and actually buy new clothes in a store where i could actually try them on to make sure they fit.

I did apply for nursing at the local college and was accepted. That first day was quite an ordeal and one that i will never forget. It was a major crossroad in my life.

I parked my car, walked to the front door and had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I knew i could not walk through those doors so i turned around and left, feeling like a total failure.

As i was unlocking my car to get in and go home a failure, this young woman walked up to me and said:

"excuse me. Are you going in there?" and pointed at the college entrance.

I asked her why she was asking. She said "I need someone to walk in with - can I walk with you?"

I turned to look at her and she seemed frightened and vulnerable so i agreed to walk her into the college entrance, thinking i would then just turn around and go home.

She said she was enrolled in the nursing program and just needed help getting up the nerve to go in. I told her that was where i was going too. She took my arm and we both walked into that classroom together and began a whole new chapter in both our lives. We did the whole program, studied and graduated together with each other for support.

I knew that a miracle had happened on that day in my life (and hers). The panic/anxiety attacks stopped. The agoraphobia ended and i finally felt confidence in myself and humbly proud of my accomplishments.

Looking back now, i realize that I never really overcame the basic feeling of low self worth, and low self esteem.

I carried that burden throughout my nursing career and it was often re-affirmed by my being passed over for promotion because i was not married.

Those positions required that you be living a "normal" lifestyle - married with children, or at the very least, being married. And that was not my imagination.

On a couple of occasions during interviews i was told just that. With all things being equal, even though i had better grades, better job evaluations, more experience, etc..., they were compelled to give the position to my "family oriented" counterparts.

I just took the abuse silently. I knew that if i had been 'found out' i would have been fired without recourse.

Today I am retired and free of those bonds of such a hateful past. I survived mostly on my own terms by aggression against anyone prying into my private life and vehemently fighting against prejudices, bigotry and oppression as they presented themselves, and intruded into my life of solitude.

Today I am much more vocal and speak openly about what is right and just and demand respect and equality for myself and everyone around me. I rail against religious oppression, and the base right wing conservatism that would keep me, and everyone else, subservient to their ignorance and their stagnant beliefs.

I am proud of the young men and women of today who stand up for their rights and demand equality. I no longer harbor any ill will toward the ignorance of those uneducated, and misinformed bigots, but instead that disdain has turned to pity.

The haters are the biggest losers after all.

So much time and energy is wasted on promoting the hate that they are losing out on the joys of living, and the peace that comes with accepting others just the way they are.

We are all God's creations and every one is beautiful in their own way.

One cannot be a hater and simultaneously grow our own life in love and enjoy all the bounties of God's blessings.

I truly do pity those haters that have contributed to making my life lesser than it could (should) have been.

I am also very grateful for all the blessings i have received over the years and pray that i have managed to touch a few hearts and enlighten a few minds to peace and harmony.

I finally know in my heart - I am not a bad person after all. God does not make mistakes. The global hatred instilled into mankind is by the making of man himself. The biggest enemy of mankind is man's willingness to live in ignorance for fear of opening his mind to the glorious diversity inherent in the ultimate plan of cosmic evolution.

by: d.william 10/10/10