Bullying - My Story. (GLBT issues)

People are what they are - both good and bad

We are what we are and nothing can change that
We are what we are and nothing can change that | Source

Bullying - a different slant

Overcoming the fear of bigotry, hatred and intolerance is a daunting task for anyone to have to face by themselves.

This is a personal story of struggle against a hateful (hate-filled) society.

One person's struggle with learning to live with fear and unfounded guilt.

It is a bitter lesson to finally learn that "haters" are bigger losers than those that they hate.

This is a prelude to the series: My Life as a Male Nurse.

Devastating news

These news headlines are far too frequent and never ending.

Last week was national bullying awareness week with a week long expose` and discussions on CNN with many prominent guests and experts.

I watched each day, with tears in my eyes, as the brave young victims gave testimony to their pain and suffering.

I wept for the victims that committed suicide because of an ignorant, uneducated and uncaring society, when they could see no other way of escaping their tormentors.

God, Man, and Morality - Biblical Contradictions

Reflections of the past

Today as i reflect on the heart wrenching news of the past week and those tragic events that could (should) have been avoided, i came to a startling realization.

I, too, was a victim of the bullying and hatefulness of that same malicious society so many years past. I knew i was 'different' when i was six years old.

I remember watching others being bullied and tormented, both physically and emotionally, and vowed it would not happen to me.

I chose a different course of action by losing myself in poetry writing and studying.

I learned to just ignore what was happening around me. I reluctantly accepted the fact that in that world of the past there was no other recourse for people like me to be accepted other than to simply learn how to live under the radar, and hope no-one noticed me at all. I became one of societies "invisible people".

I was an 'A' student through my school years when it was not politically correct for boys to be the 'smart' students. It was accepted that the girls were the smarter ones.

I avoided all conflict by using humor, was voted class clown, and got a favorable reception from the other guys in my class when i did their home work for them so they could pass, and thus leave me alone. It always kept me one grade ahead of my classmates as i also did the home work for the guys in the grade ahead of me.

A small price to pay for not being bullied as some of the other kids were.

Moving forward while standing still

After graduating from high school i began working as a bookkeeper-office manager and found this work to be not very challenging for me. It was tedious, repetitive and boring. I never considered college because I always felt i wasn't smart enough, or didn't think i was worthy enough to pursue a career.

After listening to society in general and listening to those awful priests preaching hell fire and brimstone for eternity for ''people like me", I just gave up and thought there was little or nothing i could do to avoid my destiny in hell with the devil. I did consider suicide, many times, but decided against it as i did not want to hurry my inevitable fate in hell.

The descent into hell

I hid in the shadows on the fringe of society until i met my friend and my soul mate,

[you can read that story in my hub http://dwilliam.hubpages.com/hub/My-Life-in-the-Closet.]

After his death, a deep depression set in that lasted for many years.

I went to work in a mental institution as a nursing assistant, and realize now that it was for my own self protection. I remember thinking that at least i would be among my own kind - the mentally handicapped misfits.. I made a couple of feeble attempts at suicide that obviously failed (overdosing) and left me physically sick for weeks after each attempt.

I worked seven days a week, and many 16 hour shifts. I never missed work but in my private life suffered from severe agoraphobia for a period of five years.

[ Agoraphobia: abnormal fear of being helpless in an embarrassing or inescapable situation that is characterized by the avoidance of open or public places, crowded places and people in general]

I had severe panic attacks and suffered with acute anxiety syndrome.

I left my apartment only to go to and from work.

My grocery shopping trips were a nightmare. The best time to go was on a Wednesday morning about one hour after they opened. There would be very few people at that time of day. If anyone spoke to me, during the shopping i would have an anxiety attack so severe that i would leave the shopping cart with food in it in the aisle and go home as fast as i could. And try again the next Wednesday morning.

This is probably why i spent so much time at work. There was a cafeteria that served breakfast, lunch and supper every day to the employees. Oddly enough I also had only mild or no anxiety attacks at work. I did excel on the job - it was easy to care for people less fortunate than myself and gave me some semblance of self worth.

When the nurses started pushing me to go to nursing school i would panic at the very thought of the classrooms and necessity to interact with others outside of work.

Rising from the ashes

When i finally decided i had had enough isolation in my life, i set out on a quest to overcome my fears.

Those first attempts are still vivid in my mind. I would get in my car, drive out of the driveway and have a panic attack so severe i thought i would die from it, so i would turn around, go back home and go to bed. But the determination to overcome was strong. I got angry at myself and kept repeating over and over again "everyone else can do this, so can i. I will do it or die trying". Life wasn't much worth living the way that it was.

It was a slow painful progression from going outside the driveway to the next street, then the next block, then to the parking lot of the department store which was my ultimate goal. I was determined to go into that department store and buy myself some new clothes instead of doing all my shopping from a catalog. The first time i walked through those automatic doors and into the bright fluorescent lighting I became instantly nauseous, dizzy and panicked. I all but ran back to my car and went home and cried at my failure.

My determination was strong and it overcame the fear. Eventually i was even able to grocery shop other days of the week besides Wednesdays without panic and actually buy new clothes in a store where i could actually try them on to make sure they fit.

I did apply for nursing at the local college and was accepted. That first day was quite an ordeal and one that i will never forget. It was a major crossroad in my life.

I parked my car, walked to the front door and had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I knew i could not walk through those doors so i turned around and left, feeling like a total failure.

As i was unlocking my car to get in and go home a failure, this young woman walked up to me and said:

"excuse me. Are you going in there?" and pointed at the college entrance.

I asked her why she was asking. She said "I need someone to walk in with - can I walk with you?"

I turned to look at her and she seemed frightened and vulnerable so i agreed to walk her into the college entrance, thinking i would then just turn around and go home.

She said she was enrolled in the nursing program and just needed help getting up the nerve to go in. I told her that was where i was going too. She took my arm and we both walked into that classroom together and began a whole new chapter in both our lives. We did the whole program, studied and graduated together with each other for support.

I knew that a miracle had happened on that day in my life (and hers). The panic/anxiety attacks stopped. The agoraphobia ended and i finally felt confidence in myself and humbly proud of my accomplishments.

'Societal' child abuse is real

The inner scars of child abuse does not fade as easily as the physical scars
The inner scars of child abuse does not fade as easily as the physical scars | Source

Moving forward

Looking back now, i realize that I never really overcame the basic feeling of low self worth, and low self esteem.

I carried that burden throughout my nursing career and it was often re-affirmed by my being passed over for promotion because i was not married.

Those positions required that you be living a "normal" lifestyle - married with children, or at the very least, being married. And that was not my imagination.

On a couple of occasions during interviews i was told just that. With all things being equal, even though i had better grades, better job evaluations, more experience, etc..., they were compelled to give the position to my "family oriented" counterparts.

I just took the abuse silently. I knew that if i had been 'found out' i would have been fired without recourse.

My Way - The original by Paul Anka

The late awakening

Today I am retired and free of those bonds of such a hateful past. I survived mostly on my own terms by aggression against anyone prying into my private life and vehemently fighting against prejudices, bigotry and oppression as they presented themselves, and intruded into my life of solitude.

Today I am much more vocal and speak openly about what is right and just and demand respect and equality for myself and everyone around me. I rail against religious oppression, and the base right wing conservatism that would keep me, and everyone else, subservient to their ignorance and their stagnant beliefs.

I am proud of the young men and women of today who stand up for their rights and demand equality. I no longer harbor any ill will toward the ignorance of those uneducated, and misinformed bigots, but instead that disdain has turned to pity.

The haters are the biggest losers after all.

So much time and energy is wasted on promoting the hate that they are losing out on the joys of living, and the peace that comes with accepting others just the way they are.

We are all God's creations and every one is beautiful in their own way.

One cannot be a hater and simultaneously grow our own life in love and enjoy all the bounties of God's blessings.

I truly do pity those haters that have contributed to making my life lesser than it could (should) have been.

I am also very grateful for all the blessings i have received over the years and pray that i have managed to touch a few hearts and enlighten a few minds to peace and harmony.

I finally know in my heart - I am not a bad person after all. God does not make mistakes. The global hatred instilled into mankind is by the making of man himself. The biggest enemy of mankind is man's willingness to live in ignorance for fear of opening his mind to the glorious diversity inherent in the ultimate plan of cosmic evolution.

by: d.william 10/10/10

Being a Hater, does not make you straighter. A woman's point of view.

© 2010 d.william

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Comments 8 comments

drbillfannin profile image

drbillfannin 6 years ago from Atlanta

Truly awesome story. I never experienced anything like that. I was bullied too; I suppose in some ways we all were. In my case, I always had great self-esteem, and I never let bullying get to me. Occasionally, I would get pushed over the limit, and I would knock the crap out of the bully. That always worked. Pure shock. I taught my kids the same thing. Be tolerant and understanding, knowing that the bully has issues, but don't be afraid to bloody a nose if necessary to get the point home that you won't tolerate bullying. Usually it only takes one time to stop the problems. I don't condone violence, but we can't be the bully's counselor, so we stand up for ourselves. Number one, never let a bully get to your soul. That is the purpose of Evil in society. Destroy kids. Satan is one nasty adversary. Thank God, I have seven kids, and they all are doing great. I counsel them whenever trouble comes, and I try to give them the emotional and moral tools to deal with these attacks. I have a hub on bullying.


d.william profile image

d.william 6 years ago from Somewhere in the south Author

http://hubpages.com/@drbillfannin

Thank you so much for your comments. Unfortunately i was never able to get myself to punch someone out. Often times i wish i had. Yesterday i took some friends out for lunch, to celebrate the birthday of one of them. The waitress added wrong and undercharged me by $30.00. I pointed it out, and was mortified when my guests told me i was nuts for doing that. I still believe in Karma, honesty and always striving to do what is right. At least i maintained that through out life. Thanks again for your kind words.


HSchneider 6 years ago from Parsippany, New Jersey

It took a lot of willpower to overcome your extreme anxiety. I applaud you for battling through those fears and finally learn and perform in the career you wished to. With or without help it took a lot of inner strength. Society is often intolerant to people who are different or who have problems. I believe this is changing albeit much too slowly. You are quite correct that you are the winner here and all those bullies and naysayers in your life are the losers. Bravo on your struggle and victory in life. Thank you for this Hub. It is inspirational and powerful.


d.william profile image

d.william 6 years ago from Somewhere in the south Author

http://hubpages.com/@hschneider

thanks for reading and your comments. When i joined hubpages i never intended to put anything this personal in writing. But, with all the ignorance in this world, and so many people being tormented by others who think they have the right to judge and bully others it has sickened me and made me want to try to enlighten a few of those awful hateful people.


Man from Modesto profile image

Man from Modesto 4 years ago from Kiev, Ukraine (formerly Modesto, California)

I suffered years under a compulsion to pursue sexual partners. Though I sought heterosexual relationships, this was still wrong behavior. I never found happiness in it, at least not for very long.

After I prayed, I was able to release repressed memories of sexual molestation from my mother's 2nd husband. Molestation is a family curse. It has been in at least 4 generations through my mother's side. After I prayed, repented of my past relationships, and then commanded every work of the devil to be gone from my life because of the "sins of the fathers" and because of my own desires, I broke those curses. The very next morning, I noticed HUGE differences. My thoughts no longer condemned me. I felt more energetic, like I had gone back 15 years. A pain left my neck. The battle against porn ended.

The power of Jesus is real. It is true that most homosexuals have been victims of sexual abuse. The mark that they receive is visible in the spirit. I had the same mark, except the spirit manifested different in me. Are people born gay? Better to ask, can a person receive a sexual spirit before even being born? The answer is YES.

I remember being 10 and wanting to pull open a girl's top. The thought/desire came suddenly. It really scared me! I fought it, and resisted chasing women until I was 19. But,that same wicked spirit never allowed me to enjoy healthy relationships. I broke with wonderful women and stayed with the verbally abusive, angry ones. I married the daughter of a Satanist, and suffered 2 miserable years until I got divorced. The lust never really leaves... until it is defeated by the blood of Jesus. By the stripes of Jesus, we are healed. Only after I got healed did I find a beautiful woman to marry. I have never known love like I have now. Peace is something precious to know. I hope and pray you all who read this will find it, too!

I want to end with two statements:

1. In God's eyes, heterosexual relationships are sin, as is homosexuality. It is hypocrisy to preach against one and permit the other in the church.

2. It is correct to adamentally reject sexual perversion of both types, molestation, and incest. However, the people bound up by these spirits remain God's treasure. We should treat them as such: precious to God. God still loved me when I was sinning- both when i understood it was wrong and when I thought it was okay. God has not extinguished His love for those who yet struggle.


d.william profile image

d.william 4 years ago from Somewhere in the south Author

http://Man-from-Modesto.hubpages.com/:

Thanks for reading and commenting. I am happy that you found your path to peace through prayer. The prayer itself was not the enlightenment factor. That was the permission you gave yourself to understand and forgive what you perceived as being sinful. We are our own judges in this world, and do not need to be judged by any other human being. This is a hard lesson to learn, and to adopt as truth. We ARE all responsible for our own lives, our deeds, and our beliefs.

It is when judgments are made on others and infringements are placed on individuals by those making those judgments that it becomes wrong.

We only have to answer to our own consciences, not those of others. When the religious bigots understand this concept, then maybe the diseases of hatred, intolerance and bigotry can begin to heal themselves and finally be shed from our lives.

Sins are only in the minds of the people who believe them to be (sins).

There is a video that you should view that might make this transition more lucid to you:

http://youtu.be/sNDZb0KtJDk

One does not have to discard their faith in their Creator, but some modifications must be made for the sake of logic, rationality and sanity.

The belief that homosexuality is against God's will is incongruous with the belief that God is all good and loving. God does not make mistakes, this is done only in the domain of mankind.

Jesus never taught, or had any voiced opinions on, the subject of homosexuality being wrong or sinful. These were aspects placed on men by other men who had their own ulterior motives for doing so - and those ulterior motives were not for the betterment of mankind, but rather for the betterment of their control over segments of mankind.

You make reference to: "...in God's eyes..." as if you actually know what your are talking about. You do not my friend. No man has ever seen the face of God, or heard his voice. Everything you have heard and read was fed into your brain by those with ulterior motives --- that so lusted after control over your life. You would do yourself a greater favor by discarding those fairy tale beliefs, and engaging in direct mental intercourse with the universal mind, not the mindlessness of so called "religious" men.

I hope you have found peace within yourself, life is too short to be over burdened with guilt or hatred.

MY inner peace came from within and with the aide of the Universal Oneness. I only hope the same for you.


Man from Modesto profile image

Man from Modesto 4 years ago from Kiev, Ukraine (formerly Modesto, California)

You are correct that "The belief that homosexuality is against God's will is incongruous with the belief that God is all good and loving. "

Although God IS love, there seems to be a massive misunderstanding of how love behaves. A loving parent does not spare the rod of discipline, for example, so the child will enter adulthood with some responsibility.

Additionally, God is also the God of Judgment. We must keep that in mind.

You are also correct that if someone believes something is a sin, then for him it is a sin, even if God does not count it so. God has His list of commands. They are called the 10 Commandments. When Jesus came, he cleared away the "law of Moses", but not God's law, the 10 commandments.

With man it is not possible to meet this law. Scripture says, "the power of sin is the law." It is only because of the law that sin exists. It is only because of knowledge that we can understand sin (the "apple" in the Garden of Eden).

Jesus commands all who follow Him to have unity, to love each other, and to even put the other brethren above themselves.

However, I decline your intention for the "aide of the Universal Oneness", as I perceive this to be not-God. I do understand your intention is well meant. So is mine.

I wish you peace.

-MFM


d.william profile image

d.william 4 years ago from Somewhere in the south Author

MFM:

Thanks again for visiting and commenting. There is no misunderstanding of love at all. I will not go into detail on that statement here. It is explained in my hub:

http://dwilliam.hubpages.com/LOVE-IS-ALL-THERE-IS/ - LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES.

Your idea of God as one of Judgment is also incongruous with an all loving God. A father never judges his children. He loves them unconditionally.

If you looked at the video i referenced above that comment will make it clear for you. Please do not be afraid to explore other truths. Those you were taught are certainly "truths" in your mind, but there are other paths to your "Heaven" concept that are just as valid. Another article that you might find enlightening was written by fellow hubber:

http://somethingblue.hubpages.com/hub/All+Roads+Le...

I have also added this link above for others to view if they wish.

Although there is no empirical proof that Moses actually acquired the 3 tablets of commandments in the manner he states, the two remaining (and subsequently conveniently destroyed by him) certainly are basic logic to live by. But unfortunately, as usual, man has taken it upon himself to expound on those commandments for greater control over the lives of people.

Your reference to the Garden of Eden is a childish fairy tale. Over the years it has been changed to eating forbidden fruit (apple) to the (pomegranate) to the fruit of knowledge, which subsequently was interpreted as sexual knowledge.

If you reason this out, there is no doubt that this is only a childhood fairy tale, like Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc... Sex is a wonderfully pleasurable experience that was given to humanity as a gift of pleasure for all to enjoy. The thing about only doing it for procreation is a might over the top and only the preachings of the puritanical who either never had the joy of experiencing it, or were just too dam ugly to find a partner to do it with. These are man's restrictions, not God's, as he never "spoke" to any human being, or even manifested himself.

Jesus never "commanded" any one to do anything. His words were "interpreted:" by many who heard them-to their own liking. Jesus actually never wrote anything down at all. So all his "teachings" were from memory "recall" of those authors. And please do not think that writers back then did not have an agenda that required taking poetic license in their "interpretations" of what Jesus may, or may not, have said.

Jesus was a political rebel and was killed for his beliefs (gnosticism) and speaking out against the assaults by politicians on the people. If he were alive in today's world he would be a folk hero, certainly not a man placed on the level of a Divine Creator. His place in history, certainly has merit, but over exaltation of another human to the status of God is also blasphemy and heresy.

You speak of "Your" God being not the same of mine? You perceive God as one entity that rules over our lives with an iron fist, and a narrow mind. I see our Creator as the Oneness of the Universe (different names - same Creator), but my concepts of God are benevolent. If you look at the video i suggested your will understand why. I am not trying to convert you, or any one else, but that what we believe as truth is not necessarily factual after all.

My wishes for you are nothing more that to have a peaceful, guilt free, existence without fear from an entity that no man has ever seen or heard.

We try so desperately to fit religion into fantasy that it can be all consuming. The best we can ever do is be the best person we can be (As i always say: I just want to be the person my dogs think i am). You can't go wrong there - After all ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN:

http://youtu.be/58bTAAkFypQ

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