Choosing the Next President
How to Choose Your New President
As the United States presidential election approaches, you may be facing the same dilemma as millions of American voters: who should you vote for? Now that we owe our collective soul to China, are manufacturing almost no products and growing even less food, more voters than ever are inclined to pass up the ballot for the bar. However, you can't drink your problems away. Believe me, I've tried. No, you're better off facing the fact that we've become a nation of paper-pushing, money-grubbing, SUV-driving, fat, lazy, ignorant, planet-polluting slobs who are totally dependent on the rest of the world, living in a country that still exists only because the rest of the world is afraid of it. Overcoming denial is the first step to recovery. Once again, believe me, I know.
The second step is overcoming apathy. It will only matter who is president if enough people care. Therefore you must play your part. Clearly, you must vote, but for whom? Should you vote for the one with too much experience, or the one with not enough? These are hard questions that demand radical methods to resolve.
Method 1: Lists
Make a plus-and-minus list for each candidate. Any criteria will do. My criteria would look something like this:
- Comic Value
- Speaking Voice
I would rate each candidate on a scale of 1 to 5, for example.
It's short, I know, but this is what I care about. I take it for granted that whoever gets into office will promptly throw the American people under the bus so that they can help their personal friends and themselves. What matters to me: will the successful candidate provide adequate material for Conan O'Brien?
Method 2: Games of Chance
Obviously, since there are two candidates, a coin toss would be the most logical choice, heads they win, tails you lose. But perhaps flipping a coin is too flippant for this weighty and urgent decision. Afterwards, like a low rent rendezvous terminated well before the regrets of dawn, you may feel that you didn't spend enough time or take enough care. Never mind that once they are in office, it may feel like a low rent rendezvous that lasts way too long. You want to feel that you at least put some quality time and effort into your decision, however demoralizing the eventual outcome. At least then you can say that it wasn't because you didn't try.
To add some faux sincerity to the process of deciding, I suggest you use something a little more time consuming and perhaps with a little inherent danger involved, like blindfolded darts. Place the name of each candidate in several different (but equal) locations on the target. Stand a good distance away in a room cleared of innocent bystanders and fragile items and fire away with the darts. Record the results. Repeat this process twice more. By the end you should have a clear winner.
An advantage to blindfolded darts is that you can imagine if you like that some higher power has gotten involved in the trajectory of the darts bringing about a preordained conclusion. Then you can feel free to feel that it is actually the will of Fate, or Santa Claus, or whomever, and not your fault at all should your choice actually be elected and turn out to be not a very desirable choice after all.
Method 3: Let Someone Else Decide
I am a lucky man because my wife is going to tell me how to vote and I am going to vote the way she tells me to. I feel great. No pressure to be moral or knowledgeable. What could be better?
If you have no significant other to tell you for whom you should vote, or, worse, your significant other is expecting you to tell her or him, there are plenty of other people who would be glad to help you out. The country is packed tight with political experts, from Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken to the barista who rings up your coffee at Starbucks. Listen to the radio or watch your TV to get corporate America's preference. Read the conservative and liberal op ed columnists in the papers and try to figure out which is more full of baloney.
Ask anybody. They're bound to know more than you, right? They must have weighed the choices, studied the facts, and prioritized the issues. Why do all that work when someone else has already done it for you?
I hope my ideas will help you decide, and all kidding aside ... GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!
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