Criminally Deranged

Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty portraying  the infamous criminals, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow (but the actors are about three times more attractive than the oiginal Bonnie and Clyde).
Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty portraying the infamous criminals, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow (but the actors are about three times more attractive than the oiginal Bonnie and Clyde). | Source

The Bonnie and Clyde of Lemonade Stand Crime

Warner Robins, Georgia USA ~ April 2011

The Set-up: When the day began, it seems safe to say that Gage Turner and Amber Umbarger were both on the lookout for money ... or romance ... or lemonade ... or trouble ... or all of the above. What they found was their place in Georgia criminal history.

The Perps: 20-year-old Gage Turner and 21-year-old Amber Umbarger are both from the Warner Robins area and appear to have been 'romantically involved'.

The Vics: Three girls are running a lemonade stand on a residential street in Warner Robins. The girls' goal is to raise money so that one of the friends, 13-year-old Chelsea Edwards, can go to an Ohio hospital to visit her critically ill 2-year-old cousin, Logan Varnadoe. (By the way, their lemonade stand has a sign on it, explaining why the girls are trying raise money to visit Chelsea's blind and deaf cousin in the hospital.) All morning and into early afternoon, the girls have made and sold enough lemonade to earn $150 in cash towards Chelsea's trip to visit her cousin Logan in Ohio.

The Four Victims: Chelsea Edwards (center), her two lemonade stand helpers, and Chelsea holding a photograph of her blind and deaf 2-year-old cousin.
The Four Victims: Chelsea Edwards (center), her two lemonade stand helpers, and Chelsea holding a photograph of her blind and deaf 2-year-old cousin. | Source

The Crime: Gage Turner pulled up in his 2010 Hyundai Accent, then he and Amber Umbarger got out to speak to the three girls at their street-side lemonade stand. Suddenly, Mr. Turner reached over the stand and grabbed the girls' jar of money from 13-year-old Chelsea Edwards, scratching her in the process. The jar contained about $150 in coins and bills. Turner ran to his car and drove off, apparently forgetting about his girlfriend, Amber Umbarger, in all of the excitement. Ms. Umbarger chased him for half a block, then gave up and started to walk away. City police arrested Umbarger at the scene and, a few hours later, the police arrested Turner at his house, where he was hiding out.

The Derangement: Of course, Gage Turner was criminally deranged and Amber Umbarger may have been deranged, too. Let us count the ways Mr. Turner and his girlfriend were criminally deranged:

1) Pulling up to the scene of the crime with Turner's personal automobile. Have you never heard of license plate numbers?

2) Accosting three nice girls in a nice neighborhood, in broad daylight, to steal their money. Did you forget you were in conservative and traditional rural Georgia?

3) Stealing $150 that was clearly designated to be used for a disabled and critically ill toddler? Hey dummy, did you forget you were in rural Georgia, where juries aren't afraid to use the death penalty?

4) Driving off (in a 2010 Hyundai Accent!) without your girlfriend, who knows who you are and where you live. Come on! Did it take this angry and humiliated young woman more than five minutes to rat out her moronic boyfriend?

5) Stealing $150 and then cleverly hiding from the cops, in your darkened house. The county judge in your case knows he will sure enough be re-elected for life, just by giving you the maximum sentence ever given for a $150 theft in the state of Georgia!

6) Try explaining this idiotic crime to your new friends (Bubba, Butch and Razor) at the state prison. Oh, boy, I'd give $150 just to watch the faces of Bubba, Butch and Razor, while Gage Turner brags about his little crime spree!

Bubba, Butch and Razor would all like to hear how Gage Turner stole $150 from little girls, then abandoned his accomplice-girlfriend by speeding away in a pissy little Hyundai Accent.
Bubba, Butch and Razor would all like to hear how Gage Turner stole $150 from little girls, then abandoned his accomplice-girlfriend by speeding away in a pissy little Hyundai Accent. | Source

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