Daily Weird #31 San Francisco in the Crapper

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Something Stinks! It wasn't me- I swear!

Something stinks in San Francisco. Actually, a lot of somethings clogging up sewer pipes stink in San Francisco.

It seems like only yesterday San Francisco was offering $200.00 per toilet rebates if only the consumer would step up and exchange their mega-flusher for a Zen flush. Quiet, slow running water that gently pushes excrement into the sewer… and then leaves it there to stagnate and stink. Yum. Sounds like a winner.

San Francisco’s plan has saved the city approximately 20 million gallons of water. That’s a substantial savings. Impressive. Of course, they aren’t sure if it’s the usage of less water per flush, or, more likely, that San Francisco citizens got tired of having to flush 3 times per use, so now they don’t bother to flush but once a day. They make a party out of it. Really. It’s all the rage.

“Hey, Chadwick, we’re flushin’ the low-flow around 6- wanna come? It’s a half an hour of fun. Everyone gets to pull the handle at least once! We’ve got beer!”

“Sorry, Joe, our Flush Party starts at 5:30, we’ve got 8 people using one toilet, there’ll be plunging along with the flushing at our party. Maybe you could start your’s later and drop by our’s first? We’ll let you take a turn with the plunger! Oh, and we’ve got whiskey.. it helps with the smell.”

Great work. All that water saved. How awesome are you, San Francisco government people? Now if you can just find a place to store the 8.5 million pounds of bleach you will need to dump down the sewers to clean up the excess crap that saving all that water left behind.


Bleach for the Brain

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Bleach to the Rescue!


What? You didn’t know about the bleach. Sure it’s needed to clean the sewage before the water is dumped into the bay. I heard a rumor about drinking water needing to be bleached as well, but you know what they say about rumors… they’re usually true.

It’s my understanding that the bleach is only going to cost in the neighborhood of 14 million dollars, while the upgrades to the sewer systems will be a tad bit more, around 100 million dollars. Wow. That’s chump change.

It’s about the same amount used for a study on varicose veins. Although, I would rather see the government spend our hard earned tax dollars on studies that would be beneficial to all, such as the “Do frat girls have more sex before or after they get drunk?” study. (This was an actual study... look it up!) That could be important if I ever decide to join a fraternity, or give advice to a frat sister, or play wing-man for a geek at a frat party...(what? girls can be wing-men?).

Where was I? Oh, yes. San Francisco is in the crapper. Wait, that’s not right. Well, maybe it is. I’ll bet they’ll be importing all kinds of drinking water for the next million or so years. I know I wouldn’t want to visit the city of crap and bleach without my own (unopened) bottle of water.

I’m sure the news has passed by now to other cities. Knowing the government, and how all our lawmakers like to help each other out, they’re probably conspiring right now on new and faster ways to get all citizens in the country, perhaps even the world, to exchange their super-flushes for the new low flow. The reasoning? If everyone’s city smells like fermenting waste, after a while it will seem like it’s supposed to smell that way. I can’t help but admire the “Throw the baby out, but keep the dirty bathwater” attitude of our government leaders. Or, maybe they'll just throw some Brain Bleach in the drinking water and it will wipe the idea of drinking crap right out of our minds.... Is there such a thing as Brain Bleach?

All this bleach talk has made me think about beaches, which makes me think about vacations. I’m thinking of traveling to San Francisco this year. I thought I might hang out at the beach, do a little swimming, and maybe remove a stain or two.

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Comments 37 comments

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

Why don't they get Nancy Pelosi to show her face in the sewer system. it should flush right out!


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

This hub on lowflow smells,flows well sueroy.;)


poorconservative1 profile image

poorconservative1 5 years ago

I loved it. I started holding my sides the moment my e-mail alerted me that you had published another Hub. And I was right to do so, ya kill'n me. And your right that city is in the crapper. Well done pointing out yet another government waste of money. Thanks sueroy333 I enjoyed that.

I voted this Hub Up and awesome

Chuck


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

breakfastpop- This is what happens when I read too much! I don't know, Nancy's pretty full of crap, she might just add to the problem.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Mentalist- Thanks, I published before the usual 12 edits, so I'm glad it flowed at all. Few edits typically equals a low-flow full-of-crap article. Hey, that must be why it was OK!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

poorconservative- It's great to have a follower who anticipates laughing! That makes my job SO much more fun! Not that it's actually a job, but I can pretend. :)

Government Crap should be a compound word. If you throw wasteful in there, would that be a tri-pound word? It would totally work!!

Thank you so much, you're a ton of fun.. I love your comments.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Oh Sue,

You're breaking my heart, which, by the way, I left in San Fransisco.

San Fransisco no longer uses potty mouth words, they have evolved, we just dont say crap out here on the west coast. Organic night soil is one way to go, or body processed food waste, and yes the waste products division is under a little stress right now, but to laugh at them...

Is actually against the law.

This is the land of no hurt feelings and shiny happy people who may read the book "everybody poops" but substitute one of the two above phrases so as to not pollute young ears.

Take care to not offend your only liberal friend!

Only two more hours to the flush party...

C


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 5 years ago from United States

When I open your hubs lately it seems I start laughing almost before I start reading because they are so funny. Again you have written another hysterical hub and I think it's the perfect city to write about as this seems like something they would certainly think is reasonable and Nancy Pelosi should show her face. Just think how much fun a flush party could be. I wonder what they serve for hors d'oeuvres?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- I would say, "you're not my only liberal friend" but after this hub, that may not be true. Unless you take your fishing pole and your former 98 score and leave me sitting here alone to smell my own... how would the English say this... gas emissions. Then there were none.

This would make me extremely sad, especially since I was informed today that San Francisco is planning to extradite me so they can try me for the crime of poking fun. I have a mask, but I'm still afraid and was hoping you would visit me in jail so we could make.... gaseous noises.... and annoy the guards. If you ditch me, I'll have to put my hand under my armpit and flap all by myself. :(

I would come to your Flush Party, but my car won't make it there in time, and the darned ol' conservatives made it too difficult to get through airline security with fake poo. Dang it.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Pamela- you actually caused me to SEOL. (Say EWWWW Out Loud)

Thank you for the awesome compliment. I've been in a funk since hubpages deemed my "I got married at walmart" hub "substandard".... your encouragement and laughter could not have been timed better!

THANK ewwww. :)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

All of which brings us back to the idiocy of 'wasting water'. We couldn't waste water if we tried! No matter what we do with water, it always recycles back into the system!

Just flush the damn toilet and stop feeling guilty!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Will- I wonder what they'll have to do to flush the bleach out of the system?? Whatever it is, I'll bet it won't be done with "low flow".


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

This comment has been removed by the management for being substandard.

Your Substandard Friend

Substandardville

Arkansas

America (the substandard part)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris- Thank you so much. I'm feelin' the love.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

Sue,

You should. Grab some beers and some high explosive and lets go git sum hubfish.

Wow, that made no sense!

Need to sleep, perchance to dream etc etc

And as per Stan's Turd hub

Substandard = Superbly Unbelievably Brilliant Standard!

You da queen

C


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I wonder what they make soup #5 out of in China Town in SF? But I digress.

Super crappy hub Sueroy. I've noticed as I get older that my waste is larger. What's up with that? Low flow toilets are out of the question. There's some plumbing shop here in Austin that advertises the 7 golf ball flush toilet. Why in the world would anyone want to flush 7 golf balls? They don't even smell.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Chris-

You are right, hubfishing makes no sense, but that's just because you've never done it properly.

Unlike regular fishing, hubfishing entails a generator and a rod that you use to electically stunn the hubfish, and then you scoop up the ones you want. The ones you don't are left relatively unharmed, their IQ's drop by 20 points, but hubfish are pretty smart, so they can still go to hubfish college.

I think I'll wear my crown now and practice learning your definition of substandard. I think I should maybe be impressed. I reached substandard... without even trying! I can only imagine what I might earn with some effort!

Here's to warm beer and substandard work!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- I've said it before, but now I believe it bears repeating in all caps.... GOD BLESS TEXAS!

Any state you can flush golfballs down the crapper, is a state that I hold near to my heart.

You lucky dog, you.


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Sorry to hear, sue, that your "I got married at Walmart" hub was flagged by HP as "substandard." Don't feel badly. My hub, "Tale of Two Cocks" had the ads removed - too prurient for the average adult, I guess. And it's not about, you know, it's about two roosters - fighting cocks. Just keep fighting the good fight. This one was crappy but funny.


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Yeah, don't get discouraged. I just got 300 followers! Whoo Hoo! Ruff, Ruff. I'm a lucky dog!

I've had to delete some hubs that were substandard. Well, they were, so it's all good. I just sent them somewhere else. Like to my invisible Google Blog Spot. Oh well. Se La Vie.


tony0724 profile image

tony0724 5 years ago from san diego calif

This might explain all the brain damage that is apparent in all San Francisco politicians . Obviously the toxic fumes overwhelmed the capicity of their elected officials to have a cogent thought.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Drbj- this is bringing out the rebel in me. I'm having to fight the urge to do a hub about cocks (roosters), balls (like the kind you toss in a basket for 2 points), boobies (the bird), and butts (the bottom of a cigarette) .

In the end, what really matters is getting better as a writer... so I suppose it's all good.

I'll have to go read about your cocks... they sound interesting. :)

Thanks, drbj.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Austin- you ARE a lucky dog, you Texan you!

I should probably just count myself lucky they haven't unpublished all of my stuff as substandard was actually what I was going for.


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

tony- you may be right, but these guys pull crap out of their mouths every day. One would think between the "crap" they spew and the "crap" they wade through, the politicians here would be used to the smell.


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Well I certainly won't be going to Frisco anytime soon! If I do I'll take my own crapper and flush flush flush all I want!

Gosh I can't believe anyone could say the Married at Walmart hub is sub what? What's up with that? Are they saying I have substandard taste because I loved that and LMAO!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho-you just patched up my pathetic ego! The Walmart hub that's up right now is my re-write. The first one was just a narrative of my wedding day (at Wal Mart). From what I could tell, they felt it was more of a blog than a hub, so they unpublished it. At least that's what I'm telling myself since my grammar and style didn't change with the re-write.

It did bum me out for a bit, though...

I would love to see you trying to get your "full flush" toilet through security at the airport. "But guys, don't you see? You don't have to live with flushing thrice, and plunging every day? Here, sit down. Take a load off...."

I think YOU just might get away with it! :)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I'll drive an RV - forget airport security!

I am scared now! I didn't know "they" in hub land could do such a thing! They do that? I must be under the radar but I'm sure "they" will be coming to get me as soon as they notice my mediocre writing! Ummmmmm! Im probably going to get the big boot


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- they just don't want anything that's "blog like"... and I get that. Google and Yahoo crawl the hubpages more than most because of the quality of hubs on here.

Your hubs have good information as well as personal stuff... I'm sure they love you.

I have seen no boots... or even shoes aimed in your direction! :)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Haha! Oh you havent read my older stuff and please don't do it now! It's awful but it proves that I am learning so much from the peeps I stalk - like you!

I figure no news is good news though! I really am glad to know that too! See what pro you are? Constantly teaching me things I need to know!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- I thought you said, "please do it now"... so I've been reading your old stuff.

I love it!

You are a good writer, and you are real. Being real with your writing, I think, is an endearing, and excellent quality!

I have nothing to teach you- I think maybe it's the other way around!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Schmucks - really Chelsea's hubs are better than mine! Haha! But still, I'm learning a ton and I'm very happy with my progress, so that's a good feeling.

Yeah silly I said DON'T! But thank you just the same!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Jeeze! I'm rotf! I was trying to say Shucks and my autocorrect helped me type schmuck! Before I could change it my wifi must have shorted out! So I really didn't mean to call you a schmuck! Omg! The tears!


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- You're onto me... I AM a schmuck! shhh. please don't tell those who haven't figured it out yet!! :)


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

I was horrified at first, but relief quickly set in and I burst into laughter again thinking - omg! Thank goodness it was you because I just knew you wouln't hold it against me:) oh dear God - it could have been bad!

Thank you for being so darn funny and cool! You really are the Queen:)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Realho- I can't imagine anyone being upset at you! As you learned early on, no one can be mad when they're laughing. :O)

Thank you for the ultimate compliment. It's been a long couple of weeks here and my writing has had to take a back seat to other items on the Roy agenda. I feel more like the town urchin than the queen... but I'll take kind words anyway! Thank you for the smile.. you're good for that!


RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Oh sue - doesn't misery love company? I've not been on here as much lately either. The end of school is wrapping up so lots going on! Maddy had a cheer competition Sat. Morning - it was outside and of course it was about 45 degrees, rainy and very windy! They took 1st place! Whew! It was at Six Flags so no one wanted to go into the park to ride the rides, I took them back yesterday for hours to make up for it. Omg!

Does Chelsea get a summer vacation?


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 3 years ago from Indiana Author

Kelly... Yes. Yes she does. ~two years later~....

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