Denying Contradiction

The First Stage Is Denial

 I don't even know if I slept last night.   I couldn't tell.  It was just impossible to tell.  I seem to be waking up from what seems to be sleep.  I hate mornings like these.

I'm not out of dope, but I'm wishing I was.  The only problem with that is, just as soon as I'm out, I'm wishing I wasn't.  After a day like yesterday, that feels like it never even happened, like it was just a dream with the nightmarish undertones my ex wife Lindsey always provides.  I feel almost non-existant.  Almost.

There's something in me that still wants to live, but for what?  Just for the disappointment of it all I suppose.  Just so I can fall short of the mark once again.  I don't want to believe the things that I know are true, accurate, and undeniable that people have been pushing on me for years to recognize about myself, my life style, past, present and soon to be end. 

It's always my dearest closest loved ones that make me feel as if I should be on the defensive all of the time.  It's not that I don't like to be cared for because I really do.  Anybody who would claim they didn't like the attention are just liers.  It's more of the way they go about bringing up my obvious faults, short comings, or hell, I'll just say it,  Character defects.  Just those two words make me already feel as if I'm in some damn twelve step meeting rehashing my own experiences, strengths, and hopes so that the group that would be listening could hear what they've got to look forward to if they keep using.  They might even relate and appreciate that they're not the only ones that see this lousy existance in the way that they do.

I'm now their spokesperson, their FUCKING mascot, that represents their repressed feelings that they either refuse to say or just don't know how to.  Maybe some thoughts should be left unsaid.  You know, to protect the inocent, because thats what everybody but me is.  What? You don't believe me?  Just ask my Ex wife.  She'll be happy to express her opinionated view of who I actually am.  Promise.

These thoughts continue to drag and linger the same way I am around my apartment.  I'm procrastinating getting ready to go or something.

Is life as simple as making choices and never looking back?  Who I've chosen to be around me has helped me understand who I am.  I don't believe it, but it's true.  Now what?



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