Disagreement: Cause and Effect

Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net
Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net | Source

Declaration:

This article is based on personal convictions acquired through personal experiences and random studies.

Disagreement

Disagreement is the sole cause of all conflicts, disputes, arguments, wars, and however we may chose to describe clashes among individuals or groups.

We disagree about:

  • · the person responsible for the performance of a specific task
  • · the amount of time, attention, and/or love needed to satisfy needs
  • · the truth concerning principles, convictions, beliefs, faith, ideas, expectations, etc.

If the reader can think about any other cause of disagreement, please identify it in the comment section.

Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee @ freedigitalphotos.net
Vichaya Kiatying-Angsulee @ freedigitalphotos.net | Source

How do we react to disagreement?

Our first recognisable reaction to disagreement is anger, revealing its presence through the manner we have learned to control it. Even unbiased, impartial unconcern is a way we have developed to control this instinctive emotion called anger.

However, anger in and of itself is a reaction that needs to be triggered by another, more primary reaction: HURT, the source of PAIN.

“Hurt – pain – anger” is therefore the basic sequence of our reaction on disagreement.

  • Hurt: Because our view on the issue is considered to be worthless.
  • Pain: The result of hurt, often unnoticeable on impact.
  • Anger: Controlled and applied in accordance with our basic nature and abilities.

Knowing the Cause and Effect of Disagreement

Knowing the cause and effect of disagreement enables us to think twice before we react. “Thinking twice” means we have to identify the disturbances in our soul before we allow it to become an act for all to interpret according to their pattern of thoughts.

Our reaction on anger reveals our state of being – somewhere between barbarian, civilized and divine, or in the language of the masses: somewhere between animal and God, or in the language of Christians: somewhere between the flesh and the spirit, between ordinary human and Jesus Christ.

Of course, nobody wants to be associated with barbarians, who commit the most horrendous offences without regard to any other living or dead being in the universe. Most of us also know that we will never be able to be like God, or like the image we have of Perfect Divineness. So the best we would like to be is ‘civilized’, or at least acceptable and likeable, preferably lovable, to those who matters in our life.

nonicknamephoto @ freedigitalphotos.net
nonicknamephoto @ freedigitalphotos.net | Source

Conclusion

In order to maintain peace and harmony, we should know that disagreement is as natural as agreement. Even people who love each other dearly don’t agree about all matters of life and death. Agreement and disagreement are like breathing – we do this every second of our life.

“The beginning of thought is in disagreement - not only with others but also with ourselves.” ― Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind: And Other Aphorisms

Understanding our reaction to disagreement – ANGER – and the cause of our ANGER, will enable us to handle disagreement in a way that doesn't effect us, our beloveds, or any others, in a devastating manner.

Handling disagreements in a divine manner is, among many other deeds, obeying the Commandment of the God we call Love:

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” Matthew 22:37-39

thaikrit @ freedigitalphotos.net
thaikrit @ freedigitalphotos.net | Source

Author’s Note

Unless we write on command, freelance writers of Internet content normally write about topics close to their hearts. Most writers write in order to understand life and all it entails, and this includes understanding themselves and their personal reactions to life – and even to death - and all it entails.

Somewhere at the end of 2013 I had finally reached the end of my capacity to tolerate racists. Personally I believe that all people are humans in the “eyes of God”, like all animals are creatures with four legs in the eyes of humans. In my article about racism - Another-Perspective-on-Racism - I have mentioned that the Big Five in Africa – the elephant, the lion, the rhinoceros, the buffalo and the leopard – treat each other with the utmost respect (according to human principles) in spite of the fact that they are different and unique.

Unfortunately the racists in my world did not get the message. One even confronted me via private e-mail with her narrow-minded perceptions and more than one unfriended me on Facebook and naturally also in real life. Thus, acting on my own hurt-pain-anger – because my perspective is considered to be crazy - I published a blog - Goodbye-to-all-my-racist-friends.

Apparently this blog was the reason why I end up losing the respect and approval of two most dearest relatives. Losing friends or relatives by marriage is one thing, losing true relatives hurts me more than I can say. Or let me rephrase ‘more than I can say’ Only my pride prevents me from using tears or words to describe the unbearable emotional pain I experience when I lose a relative due to a difference of opinion.

I would like my relatives to know that even while I don’t agree with all their convictions, I still love them with all of my heart and wish them only the best of happiness and prosperity. I will always love them; memories of them will always warm my heart; I will always want them to enjoy peace of mind on all levels of their lives.

© Martie Coetser

© Martie Coetser
© Martie Coetser

Quotes about Disagreement

“I don't have to agree with you to like you or respect you.” ― Anthony Bourdain

“I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.” ― Voltaire

“Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world disagrees with it.” ― Maimonides, The Guide for the Perplexed

© 2014 Martie Coetser

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Comments 47 comments

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 2 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Martie,

This is a well formulated, thoughtful and universal essay...made meaningful with your personal perspective and sharing.

Whoever reads this with an open mind and heart will see the value and depth your words as I do. I am always proud of you, today, a bit more so.

"Rise above it. You have done all you can do now." (Miss Sammie)

Voted UP and UABI. Love, Maria


tsmog profile image

tsmog 2 years ago from Escondido, CA

Powerful article Martie (Hello!). I had not thought with the perspective you provided us here. A view many will benefit from while seeing hidden truths. I appreciate your interjection with personal experience trailing the explanation essay too bringing to life those revealing points of interest shared. Thank you . . .

tim


billybuc profile image

billybuc 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

Well-stated, Martie! I have zero tolerance for racism, and I understand that my beliefs may cost me friendships and I am resigned to that fact and can live with it. The cost is steep but it is one I am willing to pay.


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 2 years ago from Central Florida

Martie, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm going through the same thing with my brother. I love him dearly, but he has removed me from his life due to misconstrued interpretations and misconceptions. I will always be here for him. Hopefully, he'll come back to me before we're gone from this Earth.


midget38 profile image

midget38 2 years ago from Singapore

Ah! I'm an early commenter. I agree totally, Martie. You're so right to advocate racial tolerance. And perhaps it starts with having to have all that hurt addressed. Shared!


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 2 years ago

Powerful hub is right ! Racists are all around us and its funny isn't it how they are of all colors too ! Its all too easy to judge , we all do it and then we begin to finally wizen up to the fact , we are all the same , Ed


CraftytotheCore profile image

CraftytotheCore 2 years ago

I've lost many a so-called friend and relative to speaking up for what I think is right. I learned a long time ago, I can't look in the past or concern myself with what someone else says about me. I have to stand in my own believe and conviction that what I'm doing is the right thing.

It's not what about other people think or say about us, it's what we do amidst the chaos to make the world a better place.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, and I completely understand. Some people just have to have everything their own way and aren't good at compromising. I've seen an increase in this in human behavior over the last decade evidenced by people in my own life.


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 2 years ago from Arlington, TX

Hi Martie,

Excellent write. Though I'm not a psychologist I have noticed that many people substitute anger when having to deal with their hurt. Hurt is much harder to deal with than your anger. However, the destructive nature of anger causes you to harm yourself more than who it is aimed at. And ultimately if you're to heal properly you have to come back and deal with the initial hurt in the first place. So one might find it easier to deal with the hurt when it first occurs. Just my insight.

The Frog


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

My dearest marcoujor, thanks for sharing Miss Sammie's profound advice: "Rise above it. You have done all you can do now."

I will also use another mantra: "Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee." (Proverbs 9:8)


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 2 years ago from Sweden

Well-said and well written hub as always Martie. I also have zero tolerance for racism but unfortunately some people are narrow-minded. We can only do what we think is the right thing to do but I can understand the pain you feel.

Otherwise I think disagreement is a great way to widen your mind as well as the mind of others and even if we don't agree on something it is healthy to know that others might see things differently than me.

It is so good to visit your corner again, and to see you continue to write hubs. I see I have many hubs to read:) I do hope all is well with you Martie, and I send big hugs from Sweden!

Tina


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

@ Hi, tsmog – good to see you :)) I am sure you will find a lot of truth in this perspective of mine. Our True Self is a very vulnerable creature, very much in need of approval. It is all about survival. The more people you have in your corner – in agreement with you – the better you are protected against the onslaughts of life. So scaring True Self by disagreeing with him/her, arouses fear, and fear hurts. Then the ego jumps in, trying to protect poor little True Self. (I should have mentioned this in the hub.)

@ billybuc – the arrogance of racists makes me sick. Where the hell do they come from, believing that they have more right to a piece of this planet and its resources than any other person? This planet belongs to no human being. Fighting about territory and power is merely proving that we are nothing but animals. And then to have the audacity to say we have “bought” the land with our blood (during wars). Oh, I am so sick and tired of coping with human behavior, including my own.

@ bravewarrior – Oh, Shauna, fortunately my siblings and children, including children-in-law , still love me and tolerate my open mind, even while we are not in agreement about many issues. The two relatives who decided to “cut me out of their lives” are actually minors comparing to those who really matters. Their immature behavior should not hurt me at all, yet it does. Because they have a special place in my heart since they came into this world. Obviously I don’t have a special place in their hearts. Maybe this realization – what a wide awakening – is the reason why I feel so hurt. Anyway, I will not die without their love, and the pain of losing them will soon be gone. I hope with all my heart that you and your brother manage to re-unite. I know how much you love him. We should honestly not stop loving each other just because we are not in agreement about everything and all. We have to conquer our own ego.

@ midget38 – We humans are actually pathetic creatures. We can only grow as far as our environment and circumstances allow us. Thanks for sharing.

@ ahorseback – What amazes me: When the oppressed finally obtain a position of power, they become oppressors. Sadism breeds masochism, and vice versa. In between are the rebels, fighting all the time whether they are for or against the oppressor. Just reviewing the history of mankind brings me to the conclusion that nothing will ever change. Just try to make the best of our own, short life.

@ CraftytotheCore – Thank you so much for your most comforting comment. I agree wholeheartedly with you. I think I am merely mourning the loss of two beloved relatives. And this makes me angry at myself, because they surely don’t deserve to be mourned by me. Thanks again, CraftytotheCore :))

@ The Frog Prince – You are so right. Anger is the toxic substance that keeps hurt infectious, inflamed and painful. Thanks for reminding me about this.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

@ My dear, thougtforce – how wonderful to see you! Racism and narrow-mindedness are definitely synonyms. I so agree with you about “... it is healthy to know that others might see things differently....” We should surely know that all things in this world can be seen in many different ways. I love Maimonides’ quote: “Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world disagrees with it.”

And what is truth? But only a matter of opinion. Something to be regarded as the truth today just to learn that it has been proved as fraud tomorrow. Like slavery, apartheid, the health value of many foods, the method of education, the death penalty, abortion – so many-many things that were once regarded as ‘right’ and today as ‘wrong’. And so life goes on, revealing all the time the wrongs inside the rights we argue about.

Tina, it is so-so good to see you again. I have visited your hubs several times, just to see you are still offline. I saw you have posted something earlier. Will be there a.s.a.p.


DDE profile image

DDE 2 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

I believe all individuals should be treated the same and the color issue may not fade away but deep inside we know best and how to treat those who feel that way. Your hubs has so much of truth. Kill them kindness!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi, DDE, thanks for the smile: "Kill them kindness!" When I was younger I was more of a people-pleaser. Not by sacrificing my convictions or allowing others to bully me with theirs, but via personal eye-to-eye discussions, or calls, discussing the issue and convincing the other party to accept the difference of opinion between us as we accept the colour of each other's eyes. We really don't have to be nasty and hateful towards people who are not in agreement with us. But nowadays, actually for the past few years, I no longer try to repair broken bonds between me and others. I simply move on, leaving them a message like this hub - for them to find or not. There comes a time in our life when we need less of everything we needed before :)


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 2 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Hello Martie. This is such a reflective piece of writing. You are tackling some very strong emotions with this. Anger, hurt, fear are all one bundle of insecurity. Your position is strong. Disagree/Agree, reconcile, fight, not a cycle that will dissipate.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 2 years ago from Southern Illinois

Martie I've watched you grow as a writer, your dislike toward racism or any injustice is loud and clear. I admire you for speaking out. People who believe they are a superior race will have a rude awakening someday where all people will live in complete harmony. I have also lost closeness with some family members due partly for my undying respect for President Obama. I might add that racism is taught, one is not born with the ability to hate anyone with a different color or different lifestyle. I was taught as a child to respect all people and their differences. Great hub. Great topic. Hugs..


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 2 years ago from Orlando, FL

I have zero tolerance for haters or racism. I just sic karma on them. Karma works in amazing ways. Don't you think? :)


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 2 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

Thank you for another interesting hub about a very important topic, Martie. I'm sorry about the situation with your relatives. I am so glad that you made a stand against racism, but I hope that one day you and your relatives reconcile.


Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 2 years ago from southern USA

Dear Martie, this is a powerful piece here, especially written from your own experiences. I cannot imagine going through this life filled with hate for others just because we do not see eye-to-eye on a certain issue. However, pure hate due to race or any other reason is just wrong. It seems a lot of times in this life, the ones who hurt us most is our very own family who just may not look at things as we do; however, it is so important to realize that thought we may disagree, we do not stop loving others. "Love covers a multitude of sins." I truly believe we are all still here to love others and that racism has no place anywhere in this life. The two just cannot truly be present in one's life, without one being a lie.

Up and more and sharing

Hugs,

Faith Reaper


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

@ mckbirdbks – Do we ever outgrown our ability to experience fear, hurt, anger, or any other emotion? Emotions are the instigators of all our actions. Surely only zombies will be able to exist without the slightest desire to agree or disagree. But what purpose will they achieve without the guidance of a creature with emotions? Now this may lead to a disagreement or agreement about human’s tendency to personalize the creator of the universe. Lol!

When we honestly contemplate the reasons why we feel secure or insecure we must admit that our sense of security or insecurity is relative. Thanks for reading and commenting, mck :)

@ always exploring –Since I was a child my father thought I were born to be a judge or rather an advocate, because I could justify my wrongdoings with mindboggling reasoning, advocating justice. Lol! Racism is definitely the result of indoctrination. People use it as a weapon either to attack others or to defend themselves. Ad nauseam! Hugs to you, my dear Ruby.

@ Sunshine625 – Indeed, karma works in amazing ways. The very sad scenario in our country – the endless attacks and brutal killings of our white farmers and senior citizens by blacks who have turned into heartless criminals due to the most racist system, Apartheid – is this not karma in all its horrific glory? Unjust acts of the fathers will visit upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Period. Blessed are those who manage to escape. Racism has only one destiny: Hell on earth for one and all.

The conflict in my soul: Detesting the racist doings and omissions of people I love.

@ AliciaC – We will surely see each other from time to time at family reunions, especially at weddings and funerals, but we will treat each with respect and vent behind each other’s backs in the presence of like-minded individuals in order to obtain the emotional support we need to follow the example that was set by our parents – who are at present the grandparents and great-grandparents of many. (Although my father died in 1989, his example still reigns.) The rule in our family is: If you can’t be nice and polite, stay away or pretend you bear no grudges. Period. Unpleasant confrontations just don’t happen in my family. Sporadic impulsive clashes are merely like an unexpected flash of lightning in a cloudless sky – a warning: Electric storms are a reality; be grateful, it is not going to happen. The present situation will merely become part of the family’s history. “Martie, the eldest daughter, was a headstrong maverick. Some members of the family admired her. Those who found her overbearing, discreetly kept her out of their lives.” End of the story :))

@ Faith Reaper – I agree all the way with you. In 2002 I ended a relationship of two years with a very kind-hearted, religious and learned doctor-professor at a local university just because I could no longer tolerate his ultra-racist statements and actions. Ever since then I am allergic to racists. When I stumble upon them, I speak my mind and leave them to choke on my words, or I proudly bear the painful embarrassment when they summarily out me. Thanks for your kind support, Faith. I love you dearly because you are a true Christian with no hypocritical tendencies.


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 2 years ago from United States

I also do not tolerate racism. Your hub made many excellent points. I think God made us all equal, and the color of our skin is no different than the color of our eyes or hair. What matters is what's on the inside.

I think a friend that turns away because you have different views is not a friend at all. I heard a saying a long time ago that my husband and I use, and it is "we can agreee to disagree". I am glad you wrote this important hub.


vocalcoach profile image

vocalcoach 2 years ago from Nashville Tn.

Why, or why are some people racists? I've never understood this. We are all God's kids - all brothers and sisters. I have never and will ever tolerate racism in any form. It's just so wrong!

You have written a powerful piece on 'Disagreement.' With knowledge comes understanding and with understanding comes peace of mind.

My dear sister demands by her attitude that I agree with everything she says and thinks, and when I don't, she stops speaking to me. How childish this is. Like you, my dear friend, I suffer a certain amount of pain when she acts this way. It hurts. But we all have our 'free agency' and this freedom is precious. It's not necessary for anyone to agree with us - it's only necessary for us all to love one another and what a beautiful commandment this is.

You have some fantastic comments here. I've read them all.

Thank you for spreading this knowledge - I have such love, admiration and respect for you Martie. It is my pleasure to vote Up and UABI and sharing. I hold you close, within my heart -

Audrey


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi, Pamela, you know the saying: "We can choose our friends but not our relatives." I believe especially relatives should agree to disagree. But sadly most of them enjoy the opportunities to disagree more than the opportunities to agree. Interesting phenomenon!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Dear vocalcoach, 'childish' is indeed the best word to describe the behaviour of people who are not able to understand that their views and beliefs are not the only views and beliefs on this planet. I find the views of others interesting and sometimes even fascinating; I will only disagree with negative - destructive - deeds that are inspired by their views.

Oh, the (very) few open disagreements I have had with my sisters were extremely painful. Fortunately we are all able to admit our shortcomings and to treat each other with love and respect in spite of our different views and opinions.

I do believe that the person who slams the door in someone's face, or stop speaking, knows deep in their heart that their views and thoughts are prejudice, and/or morally and legally unjustifiable. Thanks for your heart-warming comment, dear Audrey :)


kerlund74 profile image

kerlund74 2 years ago from Sweden

Outstanding. And so sad that disagreement cause so much pain. Of course we can not agree all the time, but somehow it's about not seeing a person as her/his opinion on things. We should try not to mix a cause with the person.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Kerlund, we should certainly try harder to respect people because they are people just like us, cherishing their ideas and opinions just like we do with ours. Rejecting a person just because their ideas and opinions are not the same as ours may very well leave us all alone in the darkness of ignorance. No 2 people are 100% in agreement about all issues. We are all individuals. Personally I, too, avoid people who try to push their ideas/opinions down my throat, but I always manage to see and acknowledge the good in them. Perhaps the best mantra is, "Don't do to others what you would not like them to do to you."


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS

My dear, I didn’t see this when you published it while I was off tending to things relating to the ranch, which, by the way, turned out well in most ways, though some facts concerning someone came to light that are not-so-good and may make a major difference in the direction I have been taking. I had to remind myself to give it some time and a chance to further prove itself before taking rash steps, although I am also wisely laying the foundation for steps that may be needed if it turns out that they are. This is somewhat like your ‘thinking twice before reacting’. In fact, the meaning of ‘reacting’ tends to be that it is usually a too-quick, ‘knee-jerk’ thing, lacking judgment or analysis. It’s often explosive, in fact. Responding seems to imply a bit more restraint and judgment. But one must cultivate it as a habit of waiting a bit in order to avoid that natural ‘reaction’ thing, which is like a chemical explosion rather than a thinking one. It requires being more civilized or choosing to be more patterned by the divine, but it is also just common sense. The fast reaction, flying off the handle in instant reaction puts one in a poor position and sets one up for regret, or worse. Yet it becomes the habit of the majority of people, it seems.

But no matter how rational one is, frequently people can be disappointing. They can let us down. They can seem to display the most foolish thought and behavior. Perhaps they, themselves, are reacting to something not fully obvious to us and perhaps they will live to regret it, — or else will just do what people tend to do when they act foolishly: defend their action and try to justify it, even though it has no real defense or justification. But it is the nature of rash thought and behavior to dig itself further and further in! It’s embarrassing to admit one was out of control and didn’t think or give it time to reveal the facts. But the embarrassment just accumulates as more and more layers of rash thinking are added! Finally it erupts into some absurd confrontation or 'war' that tends to just cover it all with debris.

Your account here of just how very disappointing this particular experience has been for you is truly heart-felt. I feel deeply for your disappointment. I relate to it very currently. I’m quite disappointing in someone I had trusted fully. It hurts. I’m giving it time to unfold & perhaps to disclose reason in it, though right now it just seems like betrayal. It’s not anger I feel, though. Disappointment, yes. Dismay, certainly. My most negative ultimate response would be just letting the person ‘be’ and go. If it is as it seems, I can’t change it from the other’s side nor can I really continue to trust in it. It corresponds a bit with your blog theme, “Goodbye to all my racist friends”. There can come a time when something is intolerable for oneself, even if the other person(s) think they are right in it. I don’t prefer it to turn out that way, but neither can I allow my trust to be misused. I’ve lived through that kind of situation and know when it is ‘enough’.

Of course, it’s doubly disappointing when people react so bitterly simply to your expression of your convictions, which are honorable and kind. How can that hurt them, one wonders? Where is the sense to turning against you for your convictions? Makes me wonder how many I probably offend with some of my outspoken positions, especially about injustice and all prejudices based on absurdities such as race and others’ convictions and beliefs. It truly is sad when people claiming religion use it to disrespect and malign others who either differ in opinion or ‘just because’ of some basic difference in ethnicity. But that is, again, probably mostly an attempt to justify and defend poor past and continuing behavior on their own part.

I like your reasoning and agree that disagreement is natural. Each person is a whole ‘universe’ with so many different influences and experiences which have formed him or her. How could we all agree on everything? And wouldn’t it be boring if we did]? It is HOW we agree and disagree, though, that matters and which can keep us civilized and progressive. We learn and grow from both agreeing and disagreeing. How boring to be so locked in to some pet ideas that one can’t consider modification! How can one grow and evolve if no reasonable change is considered?

Don't let it get to you. The reaction of others is their burden, not yours.


manatita44 profile image

manatita44 2 years ago from london

Thanks Martie. Worthy and noble article.

I wonder if there was some pain at the time that you wrote? Pain also comes from attachments, expectations ...

We came alone and travel alone. Many things or persons here or there will inspire us sure, but the journey is personal. Never worry about things you cannot change. Move on! Much love.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Nellieanna – so sorry you have discovered a turd in the baby’s bathwater, and yes, one should always be very careful not to throw out the water with baby and all. (Sorry, but sometimes only and obscene term can describe a situation as it is.)

My emotional pain – being rejected by dissenting relatives - is quite amazing, proving again (to myself) that loving others is a risky business. Loving others is giving them the power to hurt us intentionally or unintentionally as they please. If I were an idiot I could have tried to sooth my pain with hateful and revengeful thoughts and wishes, but by now I also know that this will only turn my hurt into a septic wound. So, the best thing to do is acknowledging the pain and bearing it until reconciliation, or until Time makes acceptance with resignation possible.

Nellieanna, your comment pulled my tears. It is truly wonderful to know that you relate to my emotions. Throughout my life I’ve been accused of being over-sensitive, but all my efforts to be less sensitive were and will always be in vain. And so, I have to remind myself that being outspoken as I am, I am also hurting others as far as I go. (And so interesting, after I wrote this I read the same thought in your next paragraph.) This is life. “Build a bridge and get over it!” would be the advice of one of my Happy-go-lucky friends.

Thanks for the more emphatic advice: “Don't let it get to you. The reaction of others is their burden, not yours.”


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

manatita44 – Indeed, I was in pain when I wrote this article and I am still in pain. Knowing that I was actually ‘killed and buried’ by relatives I dearly love, hurts me tremendously. As if I am still a baby who has no experience of this kind of pain! The term ‘growing a thick skin’ is a bluff; a person must be born with a thick skin in order to not feel any pain caused by the doings of others. So very true: Pain comes from attachments, expectations ...

Thank you so much for your supportive and comforting comment, manatita :)


manatita44 profile image

manatita44 2 years ago from london

Thank You, Bro.

I always re-read my messages. I wonder if perhaps I was a little harsh?

I get pain, too. I wish to approach you in a more prayerful and loving way. May we all learn the lessons from life's trials, and yes, let us pray for one another. I wish you God's blessings, and much peace.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Manatita, no, I haven't experienced your comment as 'harsh'. Not at all. So true: "We came alone and travel alone." We were born alone and we will die alone. We cannot feel the intensity of another's sorrow or happiness; we can but only feel our own. We look at each other like we look at ourselves in a mirror. If we cannot see ourselves, or at least a part of ourselves in another person, we feel like knocking on a wall that has no windows and doors. Much peace to you, too :)


manatita44 profile image

manatita44 2 years ago from london

Much wisdom here. As to my poem, let's agree that prose is one way and poetry another, both excellent ways of expressing our hearts or lofty sentiments. Shalom!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS

Martie, dear one, yes - I feel your pain. I wish you didn’t have it. I’m only a cyber mom here, but I have to remember my mother’s saying that a mother ‘can’t pad the corners for her children’. It’s true.

I will assure you that being sensitive and being able to accept the insensitivity of others gracefully are not mutually exclusive traits, though. One who loves is sensitive both to her ow feelings and those of the others, which sometimes come into conflict.

Yes, loving others is risky. Not loving others is more risky. Life is risky. It’s learning to accept that without becoming hard and bitter that makes the risks worthwhile. Maybe we also become a little wiser about which risks we take into ourselves, too; but it remains inevitable that there are risks in just about any way we turn. Because each other person walking the face of the earth has his/her own challenges and conflicts which they must work through, it’s inevitable that they won’t all always fit in with ours and vice versa.

It’s perhaps more apparent than we realize until we get the perspective of experience and, often, realize even the relief that will follow when a disappointment shows its true colors sooner rather than later, after we’ve invested even more of our own life into trying to make something work which has no elements to fit and to work with us. The good news is that all these experiences help to clarify so much that is vital and true which we would never realize otherwise. It makes a kind of sense.

I agree that advice to ‘build a bridge and get over it’ is rather harsh when one is hurting and actyakky being the hurt during its time. But when one has lived it and gotten on top of it through feeling the true feelings involved which must be felt completely so that they ARE and can BE while they exist, and allowing equally real feelings to flow as they arise, in essence one may have built an inside bridge and will always have the blueprints and the courage for it if ever needed again, which it may be, because one is fully alive. I treasure all my feelings - not only the more pleasant ones. They prove I’m alive! I would be deeply deprived if I couldn’t feel my feelings as they are or if I thought I had to deny them. The wisdom of that is realizing that they are living parts of oneself which have a life duration and are not static conditions which never grow and change.

Writing is such a wonderful means of expressing them all. I know you will live it through. I’ve learned that forgiving others is something I do for myself, more than for them. It really has little effect on them whether or not I do, especially if they are in the midst of whatever has led them into the a behavior which hurt me. They will have to work out their own problem there. But forgiving is like letting it go from its clutches on my own heart.

I can’t say or advise anything more than you find within yourself. But I know you. You are strong and also resilient. Your way will be the right one. Love you!!

By the way, Manatita is right that pain comes from attachments and expectations. It's one's challenge to love without either of those being the major part of it. But it is what wisdom teaches through loving truly.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS

Sorry about the many typos! ;-)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

manatita - thank you so much for your comments. Prose and poetry reminds me of breakfast and dinner. There is a time and a place for each of them. Ingredients suit both; we can present our special dishes either for breakfast or dinner by simply leaving or adding ingredients. Lachaim!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Nellieanna, thank you so much for your comforting and encouraging comment. You have no idea how much your comments (conversations) mean to me. Especially now, while I am a bit down in the dumps, kind of overwhelmed by reality - too many tasks on my daily schedule, too many little foxes spoiling the vines. Next week I WILL be my old self again. Hopefully. I will also set the ball rolling for surgery, or whatever treatment suggested by my orthopedist. Somehow physical pain seems to dominate emotional pain, like a counterpane dominates sheets and blankets. Take care, my dearest CM :)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS

I will have you in my thoughts as you approach that surgery, my dear. I may not be online a lot the first part of the week, especially, as I'm having house guests. Well, you know the main one: - my beloved Michael, coming from Colorado to see me before it gets too hot here and bringing a good friend. I'm so excited!


barryrutherford profile image

barryrutherford 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

Just came across your great Hub.

Have just bought a new keyboard which has made my anger levels drop and my posting more friendly.. Posted to Pinterest & Twitter.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Nellieanna - please give Michael a hug on my behalf. We miss him! Enjoy your guests. Online 'visits' are wonderful, but in reality so much more :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

barry - Is it not amazing how angry we get when stuff that is supposed to work don't work? The same with relationships. We expect them to be perfect. Coping with frustration because they are not, upset us. Being upset is like having a painful sore in our soul. Anger is naturally our first reaction on pain. Enjoy your new keyboard :)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS

Martie - I've been chasing myself coming and going & have neglected my HP pleasures. Checking off some of the drearier 'details of living', though. Got both sets of income taxes done and mailed. That's a big relief. The refund on one just about balances the amount paid on the other. haha. Teeth stuff is nearing a conclusion and just set up an appt. with my attorney to try to proceed with some legal matters. Can't wait to get to a bit of a lull with that stuff so I can do what I prefer!

Thank you. I will pass that along to Michael. His life is in major change and expanding, - for the better, I hope. His visit was so good, though too brief. He's getting ready to move to California. Tired of bitter cold 3/4ths of the year and ready for new beginnings, which are definitely in the offing.


manatita44 profile image

manatita44 2 years ago from london

Hi Martie,

It's me again, here. I see much Light in your writings. You have the support of some strong people, too. I'm sending you as much energy as God allows. You remain in my affectionate thoughts. Higher blessings.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Nellieanna - We are trying to avoid unpleasant chores and stuff that needs to be sorted out, but somehow something always pops up to challenge our abilities. I am sure your attorney will know exactly what to do. Shame on those who force us to take legal steps! Please give my best wishes to Michael. Hugs to you, my dear CM :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

manatita - Good to see you. I sure need energy! I am forever thankful for all the wonderful support I get, and I am trying my best to be a supporter as well. Online it is so easy to distinguish between givers of support and selfish takers. You will notice that my friends are all givers. Blessings to you :)


manatita44 profile image

manatita44 2 years ago from london

A beautiful thing to say and with much discernment, Martie.

I initially wrote again as rightly or wrongly, I sense some tough times. I just wish to offer my empathy and encourage you to continue to remain strong.

I acknowledge your beautiful sentiments.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

Thank you, manatita. Have a grood day :)

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