Eye for an eye? Is this appropriate?

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Can't take the heat?


I was recently texting someone who used to be a significant part of my life. They're still a big part of it, but I've made the mature choice to move on and be happy without them. We have been attempting to stay friends but this is what happened today, I want your opinion....


I was telling this person that I didn't think some of his choices right now were the best. I realize that I'm far from perfect, but since he and I share children, I felt I had the right to give my opinion on a certain subject. I guess what I said hit home with him because he started to bash my life and choices. We had been getting along just fine up until this point. He had been trying to be nice and keep our friendship alive, until I decided to tell him that something he's doing, isn't appropriate. I honestly gave my opinion to help, not hurt him.


He hadn't said anything about my life until I shared this idea with him so was it wrong of me? As I said, we share three children together and he has them, percentage-wise, more than I do right now because after separating I needed to get on my feet and I wanted our children to be comfortable, not more traumatized by this major life decision. I was a stay at home mom for 15 years so my life now is completely different and very difficult. I didn't want my children to have to suffer anymore and have to be on welfare while I started a new life. I thought I was making the best decision. I still do. That being said, I want them to continue being happy so I believe that what I was saying to my ex was only for the benefit of all of us. I truly wasn't trying to be a bitch or condescending.


Again, his way of dealing with my thoughts was to start bashing me and my new boyfriend whom I love and adore. My boyfriend has been my angel and has loved me like my ex couldn't dream of. He has no right to talk about my life like this, simply because I thought he wasn't taking mature steps to do the same with his life.


Honestly, do you think I'm in the wrong here? Should I just keep my mouth shut even though I think his actions are affecting our children? He compared my boyfriend to a horrible, drug-addicted, mentally unstable girl that him and I both have known most of our lives. My boyfriend has almost nothing in common with this girl, why would he do this? I mean, you could pick similarities between almost any two people in this world. A murderer may have had a green t-shirt just like a school teacher. Does that mean they're exactly alike? Would you even try to compare the two based on one measly, insignificant fact? Tell me............

Do you feel "eye for an eye" is justifiable?

  • Yes
  • No
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manatita44 profile image

manatita44 2 years ago from london

There seems to be so many internal and external forces here. What have you learned from this?

Would be nice to hear your X's viewpoint. Too many unknowables.

I would say to utilise what you have learnt in a positive way, while it may be useful to send this person that you appear not to like, some loving thoughts. Are you happy with this statement?

"horrible, drug-addicted, mentally unstable girl."

Ultimately love is the secret key to open the doors of Peace. Do you feel this way for others outside of your own kin? Loving thoughts.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 3 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Your so right Cantu and I always appreciate your honesty. I did get over the situation, I just didn't like how it made me feel at that moment. You know what I mean? I'm still friends with my ex and we text almost every day. I know that does seem weird to some, but like I've said before, I'll do anything for my kids and if that means having a kinda "fake" relationship with their father so they don't have to witness us fighting anymore, so be it. I mean, I'm not necessarily being fake because I'm a nice person, even though he doesn't really deserve for me to be nice to him after everything he's done for me. I don't hold grudges, I think they're pointless. They damage YOU more than anything, probably more than the person you're holding it against. Does that make sense? LOL....Have a great evening and week Cantu. I'm working full-time again so not on here as much. Always nice to see you:)


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

MissJamieD,

I've caught bits and pieces of what you've been through, but I need to get over to some more of your hubs! :-)

Those who "know us best" and have been closest to us, know what hurts us most. It's unfortunate that hitting below the belt becomes fair game in arguments. I admit, I used to go for the big one but after so much ugliness I decided that regardless how I'm spoken to, I will not resort to the same. Words linger well after they're said; I know they hurt me for long periods of time, even after the person saying them has forgetten speaking them. As mad as I might be at someone in the moment, I don't want to create pain or suffering that will last beyond the fight. You know what I'm saying? I think enough dysfunctional relationships can help to have a better understanding of things.

I can already imagine the things that your ex says that hurts the most, probably things along the lines of your parenting or "lack their of". Those are the things that hurt mother's who actually try to be good mothers the most. My ex has thrown my "mothering" in my face and it used to bother me really bad. You have to convince yourself that this is his attack mode, his defense mechanisms and you know who you are, how you love and your efforts. So hard as it may be, don't let those words sink in because they aren't facts, just hurtful opinions meant to cause pain.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 3 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Thank you Cantu. We've been through so much, I don't know if you've read about our marriage at all or not, I've written several hubs about it, but it's been hell for so long you'd think i'd be used to it. But I'm not. I mean, I really have gotten to the point where most things don't bother me, but he just knows exactly what buttons to push, he always did. But I'm tough. I've been turning my life around into something amazing, without him:) Thanks girl I appreciate it:)


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 3 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Thanks Gwenny. I've worked so hard this last year to get through the toughest thing I've ever had to do, he just likes to add oil to the fire. He's clueless though. Hugs


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

Aww; Cat wipes tear from eye. I know how hard it can be trying to share your kids with another person. I've been doing it for 5 years and in the first year I didn't think I could do it anymore. Honestly, I don't really like talking about it, but there was a time that my ex and I swapped kids in a church parking lot of all places and we had a disagreement that resulted in him physically assaulting me, in front of my kids no less, and a neighbor had called after witnessing the ordeal and he was arrested 10 minutes later, in front of my kids. Talk about scarring drama? Back in the early stages there were too many emotions still flying around and every swap seemed to be a nightmare. After a while I found myself refraining from saying much of anything just to ensure a "clean swap". Trust me, it is hard to bite your tongue about you're kid's homework not being done or hair not brushed or finding out they had brownies for dinner, and I certainly don't hold it all in, sometimes I just can't. I'm grateful that it has gotten easier with time but I can absolutely relate to what you're going through. Hugs right back at ya!


GwennyOh profile image

GwennyOh 3 years ago from LaLa Land

Hugs back; you deserve it!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 3 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Cantu and Gwenny--You're both absolutely right and I appreciate your opinions, really. More than you know probably. I know that I can fly off the handle sometimes and I put my foot in my mouth as a sport..lol..I also agree that he overreacted but I deff will be more careful from now on, just to save everyone the headache. He sent me 5 or 6 messages since, apologizing. But he's not apologizing for what he said, which is what I want him to do, he's apologizing so that I won't be mad. So, he's kinda trying to be decent but I'm still mad that he insulted my bf. Anyways, thanks again to all of you because sometimes I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing and I can't tell you how special it is to have people in my life (even if they are online) that I can trust to be honest with me. That's a rare virtue these days. But obviously one that I share with you because that's why I'm in this rut...lol...big hugs


GwennyOh profile image

GwennyOh 3 years ago from LaLa Land

As Cantu says, that's the part that sucks; that you have to deal with the shortcomings of your ex. But you seem to have a fresh and open mind, MissJamieD. Wishing you the time of your life in your new, improved future. You'll figure this out!


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

MissJamieD,

Don't get me wrong, I'm saying it sounds good in theory but is easier said than done. I have a hard time holding back advice when I feel someone "wants" or needs it. ...And it is quite different and much harder when it comes to dealing with exes and shared kids. Like I said, I don't necessarily did anything wrong; you probably didn't and he just got defensive because he is a stubborn man and apparently took offense to your questioning, advice or opinion. When you're dealing with sharing kids you have to speak your mind whether it's asked for or not.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 3 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Gwenny--you're so right!! And for the past year that we've been separated I have not let anything he's said, bother me. But this bothered me because he's judging someone that I love, that he knows nothing about. Just like I'd stick up for my kids to anyone, I felt my heart jump to defend my boyfriend. But I certainly agree too that I shouldn't tell my ex what to do either. I mean, I wasn't necessarily trying to tell him what to do, but I guess I can see how he took it wrong, I probably would have too. So, I'm glad I asked this question and I'm glad everyone's being honest because that's what I love so much about the good people at HP:) Thanks so much for reading and commenting!!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 3 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Cantu- I totally agree with you, that's definitely why I wanted to ask. I really did question my actions afterwards. Had I been 100% confident I suppose I wouldn't have written about it..lol..I appreciate this advice because it makes sense and I hope in the future I can bite my tongue:) Nice to see you


GwennyOh profile image

GwennyOh 3 years ago from LaLa Land

It sounds to me that your ex is acting out the pain of his discontent. That said, it's impossible to answer either yes or no to your question; as without knowing the exact circumstance - including what type of man your boyfriend is, it's all just to relative to your situation.

Now you have decided where you want your new life to go, and he isn't a part of that. Just get used to letting go of feeling the depth of his stress regarding the situation that is (or is not) there between the two of you. When he sees that his words no longer affect you, he will likely tire of playing the game.

Blessings to you.


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

MissJamieD,

I can absolutely appreciate your stressful situation and it seems utterly unfair. I recently listened to a life-coach on morning radio a couple of months ago and she said somethings that were almost hard to comprehend but really made me think and I believe she had a good point. She spoke about "helping others". She stated that when we give help without being asked of it (i.e. opinions, advice etc.) we are setting ourselves up. If the person is not ready for advice or an opinion and open to it, then it will almost certainly be taken the wrong way and they will likely become defensive and sometimes, particularly in your case, the defense mechanisms come out, like verbal retaliation. Don't get me wrong, I am the first person to offer my advice or opinion, especially when you think someone is struggling and especially when it is someone you care for. It is all good intentions on your end but misinterpreted on his. This life-coach suggested that instead of being so eager to offer our advice or opinions we eagerly make the gesture, put it out on the table; "Is this something you would like my help with?", "Would you like my opinion?" Then you are giving them the opportunity to be in control and they are admitting the need for assistance, rather than coming off that you somehow know better than them. I don't think that you deserved to be reacted to in the manner that you were and I'm sorry that it happened. I do not think that he was right in how he handled the situation and I want to make that clear. I guess I'm thinking that it might be good advice for the future, particularly when dealing with a sensitive person on a sensitive issue that just entering the conversation a little differently might change the returned reaction. Hey, I thought that this made sense and was good advice; do you think I'm capable of asking someone if they want my help before I give it? No. I just can't do it. It's too ingrained in me to be the way that I am. Just figured I'd offer what I heard. Good luck, I know dealing with an ex and sharing kids can be about the most difficult task in the world!

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