Hardly marijuana – a half vast horticultural project


Back in the old days when politicians promised there would be a chicken in every pot, no office seeker in his or her right mind ever promised pot in every voter's pipe. That was before roll-your-owns came into style – before the Mexicans had their own Drug Mafia – even before tobacco smoking gave people lung cancer. Those were truly the good old days.


Hardly anything here that a person would want to smoke
Hardly anything here that a person would want to smoke
Maybe this would make a good salad
Maybe this would make a good salad
When the mixed-up genes don't work, the doggone plant just ups and dies
When the mixed-up genes don't work, the doggone plant just ups and dies
Close enough for government work, right?
Close enough for government work, right?
From little acorns tall oaks grow - and from little pots Hardly marijuana grows. That's a lot like the parable of the tiny mustard seed
From little acorns tall oaks grow - and from little pots Hardly marijuana grows. That's a lot like the parable of the tiny mustard seed
Seven feet and still growing - Does anyone have a match?
Seven feet and still growing - Does anyone have a match?

Science came along

After lots of time came and went, scientists began to take over things. They invented spinach as a form of punishment for unruly children. The bread toaster was developed for the purpose of holding butter and jelly on a crisply burnt slice of otherwise unremarkable bread - bread which, itself, had to await the future development of toasters. Early toasters didn't work very well because there was yet no electricity. Electricity could only come after Ben Franklin first learned kite-flying. (He practiced his kite-flying lessons in dark and rainy weather so neighbors would not see him at such childish activities.) Well, as you can readily see, whenever man attempts an end-around on Mother Nature, everything becomes quite complicated – tortuous even.

Anyway, time passed, one thing going on and then another, until, ipso-facto (a bit of synthetic Latin there...) you, the world, and I have arrived here at the closing days of 2012 – a banner year for scurrilous politics and a decent grape crop.

The Hardly Marijuana Project

It can now be disclosed that Gus The Redneck was oh-so-quietly contacted by the powers-that-be and was asked to lead a top-secret project, the goal of which was to develop fake marijuana. You see, in addition to his numerous other skills, some of which are known to the population at large and others which are hidden even from Gus, the government muck-de-mucks were very much onto what Gus could do for them and for the country with his ability to lead development of highly desirable fake vices.

Obviously, the ersatz weed project had to be kept secret (like most of the nonsense things done by governments). Only upon its completion would anyone find out what had been done; that is, the project had to succeed before anyone could read about it. Nothing was ever written down or recorded during the project's gestational days or thereafter. No one was to find out what was going on except those who actually labored within the project itself. Once the money to cover project costs had been provided by the government, the sponsoring congressman and those who had voted affirmatively for the funding were balloted out of office. (It was said that this was arranged for by the CIA...) With Congress out of the loop now, the real work began.

Ain't gonna make no pot in Pottstown

The original location for project headquarters was to be Pottstown, Pennsylvania. Gus rebelled at that choice. Instead, he held out for a location more to his liking, a Texas town with which he was very familiar,. It was Hardly, Texas. That was the place to which the mechanical bull from Mickey Gilley's original beer joint in Pasadena, Texas, had been relocated. What is more fitting than to put a synthetic marijuana project headquarters right down the dusty street from a fake bull? In fact, It was Hardly said - then done. The fake bull could no longer be ridden because the plug was missing from the end of its electric wire. With no apparent distractions the project got underway.

The Drug Mafia and the18-wheeler shortage

Project crew members had been alerted to the need for haste. Drug smugglers were really pushing on things – like getting driver licenses so that they could legally transport illegal marijuana to their many dope dealers around the United States. They had created shortages of 18-wheelers by their buying up as many of the big rigs as could be manufactured by Kenworth, Peterbilt, Freightliner and the rest of them. The situation had become fairly grim for legitimate freight haulers. Not only were their drivers being tempted by offers of free pot and high hourly wages, the looming shortage of truck tractors was driving freight company executives plain nutso.

With such a need for haste, the Hardly bunch accelerated their efforts. Lucky for them and for the secret project, they were successful in hiring a very experienced organics farmer, Jimson W. Bacco from Gobbler's Knob, Arkansas. Bacco was a whiz at growing stuff where nobody else could make anything grow. He was talented, was Bacco, much like Jim Beam and Jim's buddy, Jack Daniel, who were skilled in their making of moonshine and other flavors of liquid refreshment from grains, hop seeds – even from yard-mowing grass.

Bacco gets it on

In Hardly, Bacco went right to work. For a while, he messed around with ordinary dirt for his growing soils, but soon enough he had some of that aluminum-rich bauxite soil hauled in from up around Little Rock, Arkansas. He sprouted all sorts of plants in his big soil pots. Prominent among the plants were mock oranges, hairless tiger lilies, frangipani sets, and all kinds of creepy vine things, spiky tall stuff, plants with bright flowers that smelled pretty, and plants with dull flowers that really stunk. Bacco scurried from plant to plant, day after day, fast on his feet – almost in the manner of a hungry leaf-hopper fly, although on foot instead of wings.

A joint testing effort at last

It was not very long before leafing time arrived. Bacco had been crossbreeding plants for only several months when the first of his progeny in those big aluminum-enriched pots popped out with smoke-worthy leaves. Bacco then flitted from plant to plant picking the larger leaves. The leaves were all kept in separate piles, then dried, chopped up in the manner of ordinary cigarette tobacco,. Then the chopped leaves were rolled into smoking-ready joints for smoke testing by project members.

The results of the testing were generally so-so. Most of the smoke-testers agreed that almost all of the leaves were horrible smokes – some reported nasty tastes, belly aches, severe headaches – even bladder problems and with one person even experiencing space aliens and dinosaurs. On the second week of testing there appeared a winner leaf from one plant. It was a large leaf from a hybrid plant derived from the “egg” of a “Queen Anne's Lace” plant (sometimes called a wild carrot) and pollen from the flower of the kudzu vine. Joy was everywhere within the project team.

Both of those plants were common, both could grow almost anywhere in the country, both were voracious growers, and there was not much known to man that could kill either of them. The hybrid derived from them was even hardier and grew considerably faster than did either parent plant. Kudzu vines can reach growing speeds of around one foot per day. The hybrid plant really smoked. It could grow 50 per cent faster. Beyond its growing speed, the plant had leaves that burned under good control in the test roll-ups - and none of those noxious oxidizer chemicals used for burn-maintenance in tobacco cigarettes were necessary.

Talk about success...

So, why is it that today there is no trace of fake pot to show for all of this?

Yes. It might be asked, "Whatever became of all the Hardly marijuana?"

As soon as the fake pot hit the indoor markets and the street corners, the Mexican Dope Mafia went to court in both Texas and in Washington, D.C., obtaining an injunction against the marketing of the stuff. Their contention had a certain logic to it. Their main claim was that U.S. government money had subsidized the agriculture behind development of the Hardly marijuana. The courts agreed, and so the whole project went up in smoke.

And that's how Gus The Redneck lost his cushy government-paid job and had to go back to a life of strenuous writing and HubPages wealth.

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Comments 21 comments

eHealer profile image

eHealer 3 years ago from Las Vegas

Great hub Gus, I remember the pharmaceutical companies making "Marinol," it was a medication made from pot to increase people with loss of appetite to eat. It was a failure, and after they spent millions on the war on drugs, and millions on the drug itself, they dumped the project. Greedy pharma strikes again! Voted up and shared!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Deborah (eHealer) -

Much less costly just to cook good food, right? The motto should be "Good food in every pot" but not "Good pot in every body."

Gus :-)))


eHealer profile image

eHealer 3 years ago from Las Vegas

Hey Gus, Lol! Excellent! And, Write on!!!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Deborah (eHealer) -

You have done something quite remarkable here. I am now at a loss for words.

Gus :-)))


Ghaelach 3 years ago

Hi Gus.

To be quite honest, I'm glad the project went up in smoke as we would be one great writer less here on HP.

It's nice to know you are working with decent folks and not hanging around or working for those corrupt and that not to be trusted bandits in DC.

Great write.

LOL Ghaelach


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Brother White (Ghaelach) -

I do not understand how I knew it, but, all along, I felt that you would truly understand.

Oh yes - thank you very much for the read and for your kind comment.

Gus :-)))


FitnezzJim profile image

FitnezzJim 3 years ago from Fredericksburg, Virginia

Is it true there's a packaging and farming company in California that plans to market this under the label Wacko-Bacco?


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

FitnezzJim - Oh, how I wish I had thought of Wacko-Bacco. Go to the head of the class.

Gus :-)))


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

I got as far as your title, Gus, and I collapsed in hilarity. It was the 'half vast' that did it. Very often upon concluding a serious speech delivered to wannabe senior managers, I would conclude by saying: "Always as a manager, you must have vast concepts!" Then I would pause for 5 seconds and say, "That way no one can ever accuse you of having half-vast ideas!"

Loved this ingenious hub, the Hardly pot plant and you even threw (in) the bull - Mickey Gilley's mechanical bull, that is. Bravo!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Good Doctor bj -

I am unsure of what it was that got me going on this thing, but I really believe that it was probably the idea of Madame Pelosi that the Obamacare bill had to be passed before anyone should read it. Yeah, that's what it must have been. I was thinking about my cherished friend and landlord, a Chinese engineer about 1o years my junior. He just had a bigtime stroke and has been hauled straight from the IC into hospice. I was wondering how he would make out if the disastrous new medical system were in effect right now.

What is a worry to me right now, medicine aside, is that several readers actually seemed to have taken my spoofing as serious business. Maybe I need to take a course studying comment reading ???

Behave now, Good Doctor, or it will be spinach for you !

Gus :-)))


SkeetyD profile image

SkeetyD 3 years ago from Barbados

Gus, the corrupt and the greedy always want their hands in everything don't they? Fight the good fight! Great hub as usual. Shared!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Hi SkeetyD - Of course, you are abundantly correct.

When I put this spoof together, I removed one of my shoes (the right shoe) so that I could better tell if anyone other than myself were trying to pull my leg. :-)

Hardly, in Texas, is a lot like another Texas town, "Consequential." That's where folks vote 8 times each year. (I believe that they believe if they vote often enough they might find out for what they are voting.)

FitnezzJim (see comments, above), another fine commenter and author like you, asked an appropriate question. He sought the truth about the rumor that a California company planned to market fake pot under the brand name, "Wacko-Bacco." I commend his writings to you, SkeetyD, particularly those containing generously-sized taiku poems of the spoofing variety. Good stuff !

Gus :-)))


jhamann profile image

jhamann 3 years ago from Reno NV

This hub made me laugh multiple times and brought a huge smile that seems to be sticking around. Thank you. Jamie


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Jamie (jhamann) -

I just now looked down the street here, and that huge smile is not only already showing, it seems to be getting bigger, thus closer. You said that it was sticking around. I guarantee you that you are mistaken.

Thanks for your error. Those are the kinds of mistakes that this world really needs.

Gus :-)))


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 3 years ago from Houston, Texas

This is hilarious...all except that comment about vote now and find out what is in the bill later. Sigh! Now about writing for HubPage riches, can you give me a clue as to how that is working? Do you need a shoebox for your earnings or Fort Knox? I am still smiling about the spinach, burnt toast and your Hardly project venture. :) Up votes and sharing.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Neighbor Peggy (Peggy_W) -

That was very kind and also daring of you to share this crazy tale with other unsuspecting friends. As I always have believed - "You read my stuff and it is your own fault..." :-)

As to those riches, the shoebox is that which came with the Barbie doll we bought for the kid some time back. It still has lots of room within. I got about $101 on my 3d anniversary from Google Ad Sense page flipping and then, about a month later there came about another 50 bucks from the HubPages advertising thing. At the moment my "hits" overall are just over 60,200 and accumulate at the blinding speed of close to 100 flips per day. Of the many articles, the continual daily winner is still a piece done back in 2009 - probably in the first 10 done. All the reads currently are from the search engines, near as I can tell. Good thing that I am here for the fun and practice of it all. A person has to learn how to write sometime, right?

And, of course I am happy that you found the tale Hardly serious, spinach, toast and other things not to be forgotten. Keep smiling.

Gus :-)))


macteacher profile image

macteacher 3 years ago from New York

Wow, what a Hub! I'm sad that the fake pot is off the market. With so many looking for pointless ways to spend their time - smoking fake pot would seem the perfect solution. ;-) Maybe all the people with too much times on their hands need a hobby...something like cow tipping or watching their fingernails grow. (Forget the cow tipping, it's not fair to the cows). Great hub thank you.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Wendy (macteacher) - Yeah...it's off the market. Ain't that really something? Hardly, Texas, though, will never be the same again. That bull from the original Gilley's is still there (although the electric plug is still missing from its power wire) and there are so many strange plants now in Hardly gardens (stolen seed that sprang up in the project's left-behind pots) that folks are thinking of starting their own surreptitious vacation industry in their town - sort of like a wasted Branson deal. Makes you wonder what might come about when the toke-heads weasel the Washington crazies into legalizing the real stuff.

Don't teach those kids too much now. Their parents have made smartasses of most of them already - and the fewer of those around the better. Oh-oh. I better watch what i am writing here. folks have called me by that smartass thing for way too many years... :-)

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Hello Everybody - Gotta tell it ! Back in the old days, back when I was an empty-headed younger in school, there was a stern English teacher who looked at us kids as though we were capable of learning something. So she taught us what " Gulliver's Travels" was all about. After her teaching, I remember not really caring that his piece was really a sarcastic rub about the King and some of the other English wheelies instead of the kid's story that I had thought it to be earlier. What she taught me was to read the stuff and see it for what it was. If that lady can see me type this comment about her from a perch up on some big white cloud, I hope she is smiling over me remembering her to be someone who taught me what-for in a way such that I never forgot her lesson, nor did i ever forget her, either.

Gus :-)))


Niteriter profile image

Niteriter 3 years ago from Canada

I'm grateful for this Hub and for all your efforts to warn us of the risks associated with modern pot. You'll never find pot in my stew again.

Incidentally, I gave up pot many years ago and started a series of scientific experiments with moss from the north side of spruce trees. I'm happy to report that my studies are producing increasingly positive outcomes. I hardly ever see a space alien or a dinosaur anymore.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 3 years ago from USA Author

Hi Nitewriter - I am happy that the world seems to be treating you well, in that you have remained productive and studying with such alacrity and success. You and I both have the duty to continue these now-abandoned experiments in horticultural potting. I am ever so pleased that you are dealing in things from their northern barks. Here we have no spruce trees on which we could possibly confirm your findings as to the potentials of moss as a suitable burnable. I was also pleased to learn that you no longer contemplate adding pot to your stew ever again. There is agreement that putting stew into the pot, a reversal of the method you now eschew, is the method much preferred by scientists, gourmets, and even by dedicated potheads everywhere. Good work, Nitewriter. Carry on.

Gus :-)))

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