Help Wanted! US Senate Seeking Full-Time Employee for Odd Jobs and Legislative Work!


by Daniel J. Durand


Position: U.S. Senator

Minimum Age: 30

Length of Employment: 6 years

Must be U.S. citizen for at least nine (9) years prior to applying. Must have ability to kiss babies and be able to stand on one side for extended periods, before standing on other side. Vampirism optional, but recommended. Government benefits package including dental and liposuction.

Job duties include, but are not limited to, underestimating costs of legislation, providing occasional filibusters, and gaining popular support for unnecessary legislation.

Interviews for position will be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November, every even-numbered year. Applicants must wear business attire and be able to explain the concept of “Freedom Fries”. Salary is negotiable, but be advised that the majority of wages are earned in tips.

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mortimerjackson profile image

mortimerjackson 6 years ago from California

I am not 30 years old yet, but I have always wanted to work for an oil company. Since BP isn't hiring right now though, perhaps the US senate would be a good fit. I am indeed a vampire, as I tend glow in daylight, and at night suck the 401ks out of my victims, I mean constituents.

Explaining freedom fries is simple. They are fries that represent freedom and democracy, as well as our continued willingness to spread the ideals of democracy around the world. In fact, I believe that our foreign policy was explained best in the 1950s via the following statement;

"Embrace democracy or you will be eradicated."

darknezz111 profile image

darknezz111 6 years ago from Southern Idaho Author

Oh, I think you and I will get along just fine, mortimerjackson...

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