How To Be A 'Sorry' Person . . .

The Ultimate Sorry Person . . .

Ebeneezer Scrooge.
Ebeneezer Scrooge.

"This is Peter Graves. I only played one sorry character in my entire career. It felt good."

PETER GRAVES
PETER GRAVES

Photos Of More Forms of Sorry People:

HYPOCRITES.
HYPOCRITES.
LOOK AT HOW PRETTY I AM.
LOOK AT HOW PRETTY I AM.
A LIAR.
A LIAR.
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR FIGHTS.
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR FIGHTS.
I'M NUMBER ONE.
I'M NUMBER ONE.
REBELLIOUS. THIS OFFICE WORKER DOES WHAT 'SHE' WANTS.
REBELLIOUS. THIS OFFICE WORKER DOES WHAT 'SHE' WANTS.
LOFTY. ALOOF.
LOFTY. ALOOF.
SELF-ABSORBED.
SELF-ABSORBED.
BEING A 'TOOL' TO FRIENDS.
BEING A 'TOOL' TO FRIENDS.
WHUUUUT? US? HELPFUL?
WHUUUUT? US? HELPFUL?

This piece is

aimed at . . .

two groups of people. A. The people who are always nice. All the time. Because of, it was how they were raised, or it's expected of them to always be nice. And B. People who live outside of the deep south.

I start with the groups of people who are always nice. Always doing the right thing. Because it's how they are. We expect it from the 'Clark Kent's' and Roy Rogers' of the world. And this is not, mind you, a negative thing. But it can be to the 'Kent's' and Rogers' who, after all, are human. Flesh and blood. And to have their limits.

With the advice I am sharing in his story, Mr. and Mrs. Nice Guy and Girl, in no time flat, you can be a purebred, card-carrying, feared, sometimes-respected, 'sorry' person. And all it (may) cost you is a few good friends, your good standing in the Elks Lodge, and your 'nice person' image that you have sharpened to a sparkling image over the years. It's your choice. Remain nice. Or be 'sorry' for a little while. It's not like I am suggesting that you take over your office and ransack the offices after hours. Or run screaming, "I am a wild beast," through your local mall. Do you think I would stoop to such degrading levels? Shame on you.

And the second group of people, those who live outside of the deep south. Down here we have a different. Unusual. Unique definition of words. Such as the word 'sorry.' In the south, there are two forms of sorry. One is, you are really sorry for splashing mud on Leroy and his girl, Jessie June last Friday night while they were cuddling in the bed of Leroy's Ford Super Duty truck, and the other form of sorry is just that..low down, shiftless, irresponsible, heartless, cold and not liked by anyone. Not even the reddest of necks.

The last one is the focus of this story. Before I begin, I want to ask you some serious questions about being 'sorry.'

  • Has being SORRY ever hurt anyone? Really?
  • Has SORRY people ever been convicted of a major crime (John Dillinger, Pretty Boy Floyd, Baby Face Nelson, not included in question).
  • Do innocent people really respect SORRY people? (I can answer this now, but I won't).
  • Are SORRY people as worse as cholera or maybe anthrax (the disease, not the heavy metal band).

You thought that I was just kidding around, didn't you. No, I am somewhat serious about being 'sorry.' Personally, I think that sorry people serve a grand and higher purpose. I give you the example of professional wrestler, Jerry "The King" Lawler. I watched Lawler climb the ladder of professional wrestling and always did the right thing. Presented the right image. You know. America. Mom. Apple Pie. That stuff. And when he would lose a match, he was always the gracious loser--bowing his head as he left the ring.

But one Friday night I happen to be watching Lawler in a match against some pro wrestler wannabe, and something inside Lawler's head snapped. For in a flash of a moment, he turned from nice to sorry. And I mean sorry. He did illegal moves on this stunned opponent who must have been his friend outside of the ring. He sneered at the fans who were, for the first time in his career, booing and hissing him like snakes in a pit. But Lawler loved it. And maintained this 'sorry' image throughout the rest of his career until he retired. A sorry wrestling superstar.

You see. Being sorry is not that bad. But you got to be tough as shoe leather. Hard as nails. And unapproachable by anyone but other sorry people. Nice people are off-limits to you now. You are a reborn sorry man or woman. You now command respect from coworkers. Strangers. Waiters. Bartenders. Preachers. Used car salesmen. And would-be spineless people who would have taken advantage of you if you had remained a nice person.

But to be sorry take some preparation . . .

  • First, sell or give-away, all of your sunshiny clothing--'Up With People' T-shirts, any article of clothing that makes you look nice and cushy.
  • Second, hang out, even if you have to pay cash for the privilege, with sorry people. Watch what they do. Say. And act. This will prove helpful later on.
  • Third, practice being sorry on your in-laws, not your family. Remember, sorry people are also intelligent people and you do have to sleep somewhere.
  • Fourth, practice walking sorry. Even buy sorry, tough-looking car and drive around town with your sorry sunglasses on and DO NOT wave anyone. Sorry people are NOT diplomats.

Now, my friends, you are about to embark on an entirely-different way of life. A way of life that you have secretly dreamed of. Even in church. But until now, you never had anyone to 'coach you up' to being sorry. You see. It was fate that led you to read this story. Otherwise you would be left with all the secret, miserable regret's of 'what if' I had just stepped up and turned sorry. Now you can be sorry. Just memorize the tips below and before you know it, you will be asked to leave restaurants, neighbor's homes, graduation exercises for your niece, and other things that you have dreamed of doing.

1. NEVER, FOR ANY REASON - smile. This says that you are soft. Weak. A push-over. Learn to snarl under your breath. Mumble hard-to-understand things under your breath. Soon you will be thought of as sorry. And a person that is not to be messed with. By anyone.


2. SPEAK SHORT, SNAP AT PEOPLE - yes, this might be you taken off the Employee of The Month List, but who cares, you are a sorry person. Not a person whose time is to be wasted on listening to coworkers gab and yak about their kids winning a ballgame, their wife being nominated for Homemaker of The Month and other stuff that you used to have to suffer through in office conversations. Not anymore. Word will get around by your colleagues that you have turned sorry and are not privy to their nice talks anymore.


3. BE ARROGANT, SELF-ABSORBED - and my friend, what a wave of respect will head your way. No longer will you have to say humble things like, "I give Bob the credit for this project," and things of this nature. From now on, you say, "Yeah, I did do a great job, didn't I?" when the boss compliments you. And get this. Maybe your boss will keep his eye on you more for the sudden show of confidence you have displayed.


4. TELL LIES - because a majority of sorry people lie. There's not many honest sorry people. That would be against the grain. And your lies do not have to cause injury to people, just creatively lie about who set the gopher rat loose in the break room last Monday when you boss is giving private interrogations on this matter. Smile and bark at the boss, "Hey, boss man. The culprit who turned the gopher loose and disrupted 'MY' workday, was Larry. Now may I get back to work?" Poor Larry. Never knew what hit him. But you do. Because it was you who let loose the angry, wild gopher rat as a symbol of being an unpredictable sorry person.


5. PUSH PEOPLE ASIDE - in the office cafeteria. Or when you take your wife to dinner. Sorry people do not have time to 'wait out' the nice people. You are a sorry man. A man who has sorry things to do and sorry people to see. Just take a deep breath and make your move. Push the two couples ahead of you aside and smile that smirky smile and say, "You don't want a piece of this. What if I told you that I was the State Boxing Champ of 1988 in Missouri?" They will move. Fast. And you didn't lie. You said 'what IF.' You see how much better life is as a sorry person.


AND LASTLY . . .


5. TAKE THE CREDIT - for work that you didn't do, but be clever about it. Do not leave any paper trails or evidence that can get you into trouble. It's your career. Do what a sorry person would do. Take credit for someone else's work. Do not worry. Your noble coworkers cannot messs with you for they now fear you, the sorry person in the office.


Do you think that you can handle your new role as a sorry man or woman? Now be honest. If you have maybe an inkling of doubt, do not follow my advice in this story. Life is sometimes a cold, dog-eat-dog place where only the sorry survive. Not the strong as in olden days.

Make sure. Before you take the plunge from "Mr. Nice Guy," to being an all-around "Mr. Sorry Person."

And listen to me. if you do make the change from nice to sorry and fail. Because of the advice I give you in this story, . . .

"I'm sorry."




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Comments 26 comments

Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 5 years ago from Stepping past clutter

I love a southern sense of humor and ability to twist a phrase. Your sorry people descriptors and suggested behaviors do just that. With a hint of sarcasm and a whole lot of charm you make your point. Good job Kenneth! Glad you are not a sorry kind of guy...


The-BestMouseTrap profile image

The-BestMouseTrap 5 years ago from The heartland, USA

Yes, you wrapped it all up and put it in a great package. Very funny and entertaining. The only time I was real sorry was when our local motorcycle cop, described as the sorry person above while he worked (known as a nice guy after work), pulled me over for the 3rd time in 4 months. Honest, I wasn't speeding. We live in the rural south as well and it is our local speed trap. He was bored I guess and wanted something to do. I never got a ticket (because I did nothing wrong), but when he pulled me over on this very rainy day, after he was done he walked back to his bike, I waited for him to pull out in front of me but he didn't. I knew if I pulled out first I would cover in him in mud with my giant monster truck tires. He waived me on, so and I swear I pulled out ever so slowly, I could see in my side and rear view mirrors I covered him in mud. The next week, he pulled my daughter over in the same spot and gave her a ticket for a busted brake light. I was real sorry for her - because of me she got a ticket she probably would never have got. We live in a tiny tiny town and everyone knows everyone and our last name is so unusual he knew for sure she belonged to me. Years later, my brother in law who works with him says he is no longer the "sorry" guy on the job. Thanks for the welcome you gave me on my post, you have earned a new fan and follower.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Maxoxam, I fail to understand your comment. If this comment is aimed at JT Walters, I still fail to see what relevance this is to my hub. I apologize for being so ignorant.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL! Thanks a MILLION, Storytellersrus, that makes me happy. Plus puts a smile on my face. I needed this for Im very weary, physically-speaking at 10:39 p.m./cst and I am headed to bed. Thanks again. Merry Christmas and New Year's Wishes to YOU and YOURS, a tad early, from myself and MY various characters in my imagination who helped to make these hubs possible!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/1, The-BestMouseTrap...let me say SINCERELY, THANK YOU for the much-appreciated comment. And I am very sorry that "Mr. Bad Cop" made you and your daughter's lives miserable. Confidentially, I've been there, except in my case, it was an Alabama State Trooper who was upset at me for owing a CB radio...remember those? Since I wasn't speeding, he just ticketed me out of spite for a blown tag light. I had a tough time overlooking this obviously-biased and non-professional approach to enforcing our highway laws. Monster truck? Do you drive a monster truck? That is so amazing. I sensed when I met you that you were amazing. What part of the rural south do you live, or is that too forward of me to ask? I am curious. But YOUR comment is not only APPRECIATED, but can be a hub by itself..."Mud Derby With A Motorcycle Cop," and you could author it. Why not? And I am the one who is blessed to HAVE YOU following me. Bless you and yours with an early Happy and Merry Christmas!!!


Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 5 years ago from Stepping past clutter

Ken, sweet dreams to you and your cast of hundreds!


Sueswan 5 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

You are a sweetheart. Nothing sorry about you.

Voted up, up and away!


northweststarr profile image

northweststarr 5 years ago from Washington State

I'm never sorry, but then I'm always honest about things as much as I can be. You, however darling, could never be sorry because you are honestly a sweetheart. Cheers! Merry Kwanzaa or Hanakah or whatever your poison. Or if you happen to be a Jehovah's Witness....

... I'm sorry.

;) --Starr


carolyn a. ridge profile image

carolyn a. ridge 5 years ago

You are just too funny - intentionally or accidentally !! And it's not enough "to be sorry"; you also have to know when to "play sorry". You are quite the comedian; it seems as though you just enjoy life! Stay sorry - from someone outside of the Deep South !!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thank YOU for your sweet wish, Storytellersrus! I did have a good rest. And now a "pleasant good morning," to you, from me and my cast of hundreds who also rested quite well also. Enjoy your Friday and weekend and always be on the constant look out for "me" and my invisible entourage...we may be coming to a city near you.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

You are one SWEET Lady, Susan! Thank you so much. I am very humbled by your comment, but then again, I am always humbled by your sincere and very-SWEET remarks. Fondly, Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, nortweststarr, honestly, right now at 10:32 a.m./cst, Dec. 2, my heart is racing 90 MPH thanks to YOUR very nice comment. I have secretly wondered at times how it would be to live 'sorry' just a few days and see how people who knew me, would react. Naaaah, I love my friends (and YOU included) too much. Thanks again, sweet northweststarr!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Carolyn and a heart-felt "Thank YOU," for the very-nice comment. I pray that I am worthy of your nice words. I had rather give nice words and hubs than to receive them, but in your case, I will make an exception. God bless you richly!


Linda Myshrall 5 years ago

Kenneth, This was very clever! I enjoyed it immensely and I'm sorry I can't apologize for that. I guess that makes me a sorry excuse for a sorry person. :) Looking forward to more, Linda


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Linda,

Thank you very, very much for the comment. I am truly grateful. And I am glad that you enjoyed this. And NO, actually, it is IMPOSSIBLE for YOU to be a sorry person. Impossible, I say. And I will try to work on some more in a day or so...an inside hint only to you: There is one in the works, an exclusive for HubPages how I was 'busted' weeks ago for having dinner with Jennifer Love Hewitt, of Ghost Whisperer. Shhhh.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

PS....@northweststarr . . ."Merry Christmas and a Safe and Sane 2012 to YOU, sweet friend!"


livelonger profile image

livelonger 5 years ago from San Francisco

Hysterically funny...you've got their numbers, Kenneth. Thank you for brightening up my Friday!


Angela Blair profile image

Angela Blair 5 years ago from Central Texas

Great HUB Kenneth -- must admit that having had experience in the East and Northern U.S. I find Southerners more gracious -- not to say they don't sometimes have a hidden agenda? In Texas we say "the only thing in the middle of the road is a line and dead armadillos" -- occasionally a strong and stated opinion makes one appear "sorry" to folks on the other side of the argument! Loved this HUB and well written! Best, Sis


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/2

11:27 p.m./cst

livelonger . . ."My Sincere Thanks to YOU," for your kind comment. I do appreciate, so much, your taking time to visit, read and leave me such a gracious remark. I shall not forget you. And I take this time to wish you and yours an Early Merry Christmas and please, come back and visit anytime!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/2

Dear Angela, that is so kind of you to say to me. I cannot repay such kindness except to give you a heartfelt, "Thanks," and with a promise to remember your kindness. Again, thank you, Angela and Merry Christmas.


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 5 years ago from Brownsville,TX

Soooo funny.. this is so enjoyable to read... Merry Christmas to you.. thanks for making me laugh..

I voted up and funny...


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

12/5...Hi, Deborah! Thanks so much! I humbly appreciate your remarks. They mean a LOT to me. And making you, and my followers and non-followers laugh for a moment is my goal. Not money. Not fame. Not glory, but helping to share a priceless item: Happiness. Thanks again, my New Friend.


V Qisya 4 years ago

Hahaha..You're really funny, Kenneth! I enjoyed reading it! You've made me smile ;)

Best wishes, V


Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 4 years ago from Stepping past clutter

You perk us all up, lol!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

"Hi, 'V,'" . . .and I THANK YOU a LOT for your sweet comments that you have given me. YOU are very humble and kind to do that. I wish for YOU, a GREAT Christmas, New Year and lots of Good Things to come to you, "V." I am serious. And thanks a million for following me. I will be back sooner than you think. Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Storytellersrus . . .Thank you, sincerely. That comment makes me feel good inside. Making someone else smile, happy, or easing their burdens is what "we" are supposed to do while in this life. That was what I was always taught and YOU do exactly that with your kind words and encouraging comments. Merry Christmas, my dear friend, to you and yours. KENNETH

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