How to Get Thrown-Out of Any Lavish Dinner Party

These people don't know what is about to happen. "You" are showing up in a speed-o
These people don't know what is about to happen. "You" are showing up in a speed-o | Source
This place is perfect for you to trash to get yourself sent home
This place is perfect for you to trash to get yourself sent home | Source
Everyone helping to cook the meal is a great time to "accidentally" bump into the spaghetti spilling it in the sink
Everyone helping to cook the meal is a great time to "accidentally" bump into the spaghetti spilling it in the sink | Source
Here's to "Us," the important society people, but you can change that with your going barefoot
Here's to "Us," the important society people, but you can change that with your going barefoot | Source
Good company means a rough time for you because you don't know any of these good people
Good company means a rough time for you because you don't know any of these good people | Source
How boring. Time for you to start "acting" like a wild dog
How boring. Time for you to start "acting" like a wild dog | Source
Placing a fake roll (with fake worm) in the roll basket will get you tossed out instantly
Placing a fake roll (with fake worm) in the roll basket will get you tossed out instantly | Source
Unbuttoning your shirt while people like this are boasting about their money is a great move
Unbuttoning your shirt while people like this are boasting about their money is a great move | Source
Toast time is the perfect time for a fake sneeze
Toast time is the perfect time for a fake sneeze | Source
Old fashioned dinner parties were as stuffy as the modern day dinner parties
Old fashioned dinner parties were as stuffy as the modern day dinner parties | Source
Put "Mr. Do- It- All" in his place with your fake vomiting
Put "Mr. Do- It- All" in his place with your fake vomiting | Source

WRITER'S NOTE: I wrote a hub a long time ago how to crash a lavish dinner party. But since then I've found out that getting yourself thrown-out from such social "thorns" is tougher than you'd think due to the host and hostess not wanting to be sued. So with that being typed, here are several ways how you can get yourself tossed from any lavish dinner party without feeling guilty. KENNETH.


So here you are. At home after "working like a dog," 65 hours this week. You are so happy that today is Friday. The weekend. Time to unwind, drink a little beer, watch the game with some guys and not move until Monday.

Has anyone ever told you that you are one gullible man? Oh, no one. Not even your sweet little socialite wife who you married because she said on the night you proposed that she was tired of society and wanted a regular guy for a husband.

And you went for it like those prize-winning bass on the "Fishing with Bill Dance," show.

Let me tell you my soon-to-be-miserable friend, what has happened. You told her that you would provide the living and she was only to keep the home clean and other little chores. But one day while you were at work, she accidentally turned your 52-inch plasma television to the Documentary Channel that was showing a film about "Society's Richest and Most-Popular People," and there it was. She had a change of heart. Just wait until you get home.

After you kiss her on that certain Friday evening, grab yourself a cold one, and prop up in your recliner, she hits you with this, "Uhhh, sweetie. I, love you. And you love me. But huneee, I want you to do me this itty bitty favor. Okay?"

Foolishly, you say without thinking, "Uhh, sure, babe. Anything for my hot blond wife with the perfect figure." Man, you are one Grade "A", Blue ribbon winning idiot.

"Great, sweetie," she gushes. "Hurry up now and pour out that beer. You need to shower and get dressed."

"For what, itty bitty butt?" you ask like the fish who is already hooked.

"Susie JoAnn's dinner party tonight. She invited us this afternoon and I said yes," your glowing wife replies as your mouth hits the floor.

"Now wait a minute, errr, babe. Isn't that one of them, uhhh, society things you said you hated?" you argue.

"Giggle, giggle, now sweetie. You know how us girls change our minds--so get ready. We don't want to be late. Now chop, chop!" she demands, not asking anymore.

But my gullible friend. I have news. Good news. This story features a few ways that you can "Successfully Get Yourself Thrown Out of Any Lavish Dinner Party," so hurry up and digest this dynamite information if you want to be happy instead of miserable.

  • When you and your wife, "Ms Change of Heart," are greeted at the front door, you ask, "this is the only whore house I could find, and this one, I do not like."
  • Have your shirt-tail hanging out and dirt on the front of your white shirt.
  • Say to the hostess, "care to watch me do my dog impression?"
  • When the hostess is "air-kissing" your wife, you barge past the hostess and bellow, "where can I get a belt of whiskey?"
  • Start chasing the valet who is trying to park your pick-up truck. When you catch him, give him a beer and you and him ride around for an hour.
  • Tell the hostess she reminds you of the current Playboy centerfold.
  • Then apologize to the hostess for saying that remark because she, the hostess has way too many wrinkles.
  • "This thang expensive?" you ask your nervous hostess as you toss an expensive Chinese vase up and down as the other guests gasp with fear.
  • Literally run to where the other guests are congregating and do some chest-bumps to say hi to them.
  • On purpose, before this stuffy get-together, you have ate your weight In sweet potatoes, collard greens, and cabbage, all ingredients for creating gas in your stomach and colon. Well, you pass from group of people to the other "spreading" aromas of what you had for your dinner.
  • Get down on all-fours and growl at the hostess' pet poodle scaring it to death.
  • Tell the hostess' husband, "how much did you pay for her?" Talking about his wife.
  • At dinner, you yell to the hostess' husband, "are you a butcher by trade?"
  • Confess to the other guests that you had two uncles who died in prison for bank robbery.
  • Ask the waiters if this dinner is an "all-you-can-eat" affair
  • Talk with food oozing out of your mouth
  • Tell people that Animal House is your favorite movie and act-out the "food fight" scene.
  • Put your bare feet on the table as you eat. The hostess, out of embarrassment, will say, "sir, do you know what you are doing?" You take a huge bite of whatever she is serving, and reply, "sure. I put my feet on our table at home."
  • Unbuckle your belt when you finish eating then start belching.
  • Nudge the lady next to you and say, "do you pole dance?"
  • Nudge the man on your other side and say, "don't worry. I won't tell these people I saw you coming out of a gay bar last night."
  • Nod-off to sleep and snore while the host and hostess are showing slides of their recent vacation to Germany.
  • Get out a pack of cigarettes and light-up even though your wife tells you at home that smoking is not allowed.
  • Ask a pretty woman at the bar, "care to let me do mouth-to-mouth on you?"
  • Start leaping around on the furniture as if you have changed into an ape.
  • Run outside and yell to the neighbors, "come on over! Free booze and broads!"


By doing the things on this list, two things are guaranteed to happen to you:

1. You will be thrown-out of this or any party you are made to attend by your wife who was having social withdrawals.

or

2. You will be served with divorce papers in a day or two.


You win in either case.

Dinner guests like these feel so important that when you hurt their feelings, they will want you to leave
Dinner guests like these feel so important that when you hurt their feelings, they will want you to leave | Source

More by this Author


Comments 18 comments

Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 2 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

A really good piece of writing. It's "clean" writing at its best. It says what it wants, eloquently and amusingly "factually".

Thanks.

But Wow, isn't it at the other end of my deliberately, pretentious hyper adjectival, adverbial bit of scribbling.


lupine 2 years ago

Kenneth, very funny, but not if you happen to be the host. I've had my share of some of these bad moments, by my brother. By the way, never married, in his 50's...not surprised. He's not acting just comes natural. Some great ideas if you want to be kicked out of a party!


mgt28 profile image

mgt28 2 years ago

I have seen people, despite their best efforts and natural talent failing to be thrown out. I hope they read this one.

Once again Ken, you give us another gem of an article.


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 2 years ago from Baltimore, MD

I will have to keep these ideas in mind since I hate fancy dinner parties, too. Voted up. :-)


MG Singh profile image

MG Singh 2 years ago from Singapore

Nice post, though I love dinner parties


grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 2 years ago from Philippines

I love your suggestions. There have been a number of situations I wanted to get kicked out of, and now you have provided these ingenious suggestions. This hub was a lot of fun to read.


rebeccamealey profile image

rebeccamealey 2 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

These are funny! Thanks for a good little read!


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 2 years ago from North America

I used to enjoy attending dinner parties, until I was asked to bring all the food. I found new friends who do not have dinner parties. Much better.


vandynegl profile image

vandynegl 2 years ago from Ohio Valley

This is hilarious! Nothing like being forced together with a bunch of fake people! I'm not much of a socializer, but even more, when I HAVE to be social, I would prefer it is a much more laid back way! Good pointers! Thanks for sharing!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Twilight Lawns,

Fantastic comment. I enjoyed your comment very much. Wish I had such inner-vocabulary skills to call upon at life's junctures. (thinking makes my head hurt).

I do appreciate you and your reading this hub which will work for the daring and bold of heart.

Come back often.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest lupine . . .first, where have you been? I have missed you so much. Thank you for your wonderful comment and I never thought about this from the host' viewpoint. Sorry.

I was just stunned when I saw your name on here. Thank you.

Love, K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

mgt28,

My sincere thanks to you for taking time to comment on this piece. I will take them into consideration.

Oh, I am not a "social beast" either. Our idea of a social event where I live is the grand opening of a new store.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Jeannieinabottle,

Thanks for your great commets. I too am not a social party person. I get anxiety attacks and sweat profusely at the crowd all talking and chewing food . . .Arrrggh!

Glad to be of service.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

MR. Singh,

Glad you liked these suggestions and glad you like lavish dinner parties. Why don't you write a hub for us who have never attended a dinner party? A How to Act, typ eof hub.

I would read it.

Thank you for your comment.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Grand Old Lady (you are not old)

Thank you very much for your comments. I appreciate you for this.

And now that you have some inside tips on how to NOT stay all of the night at one of these events, you control your own destiny.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Rebecca,

And a heartfelt thanks to you for your sweet comment. I am glad that you liked this.

God bless you, my friend.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Patty Inglish, MS

I do not blame you for balking at having to bring all of the food. No one person should be burdened with something that should be shared or catered.

Thanks, Patty, for reading my hub.

Have a great evening.

K.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Vandy,

LOL. Your comment was funnier than my hub. I loved your remarks. Fake people irritate me so much. This is why I do not attend such events.

Another reason is that people where I live do not know what a social dinner party really is.

Will explain in a hub later.

Have a great day.

K.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working