I Want A Redneck On My Side!

"All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope."    -Winston Churchill

This post is a collection of redneck jokes and perspective.

I, in no way, want to see America split, but it seem we are coming apart at the seams, and I know which side I will be on. What about you?

Will this nation be torn in two? Or will we stand united against the politicians, who want to rule the land and make it the 'Home of the Enslaved' instead of the 'Home of the Free'.

 

Jeff Foxworthy on Wyoming!

  • If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wyoming.
  • If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Big Piney is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wyoming.
  • If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wyoming.
  • If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wyoming.
  • If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wyoming.
  • If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wyoming.
  • If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wyoming.
  • If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wyoming.

March 27, 2009  http://www.csmonitor.com/2009/0327/p02s01-usgn.html
March 27, 2009 http://www.csmonitor.com/2009/0327/p02s01-usgn.html

Charlie Daniels: Simple Man

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of.

I hope I am one of those.


You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to .

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

God Bless the USA !

...If It Comes To Divorce...

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

 Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:


We have stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years..


Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.

Bubba's Resume

My Resimay 

To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job
what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit 
one finggar and do sum a 
counting.

I think I am good on the fone 
and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole realee seam to reespond 
too me well. Certain men and 
all the ladies. 

I no my spelling is not too 
good but find that I Offen 
can get a job wit my 
persinalety. 

My salerery is open so we kin 
discus wat you want to pay me 
and wat you think that I am 
werth,I kin start emeditely. 

Thank yoo in advanse fore 
yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant 
so farr.

Sinseerly,
Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a 
bit short - below is a pickture
of me. 
 

Employer's response:

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, we've got spell check. See you Monday.

 

Never Underestimate a Redneck

 
 A Redneck from Tennessee walked into a bank in New York
 City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan
 officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two
 weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
 depositor of the bank.
 
 The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
 form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
 the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street
 in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
 everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
 car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
 charge 12% interest.
 
 Later, the bank's president and its officers all
 enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
 a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
 employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
 bank's private underground garage and parked it.
 
 Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir,
 we are very happy to have had your business, and this
 transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
 puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
 that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why
 would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
 
 The good 'ole Tennessee boy replied, 'Where else in
 New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
 $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
 
 His name was BUBBA...

End this War Now!

 It seems there is finally an end in sight!

The Pentagon has announced that there is a new strategy to the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan.  They are going to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). 

Couresty of:  http://www.brentonklik.com/?p=230
Couresty of: http://www.brentonklik.com/?p=230

 The USRSF has been given the following information regarding the Taliban:

  • There is no limit.
  • The season opened last weekend.
  • They taste just like chicken.
  • They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus.
  • They don't like bar-be-que.
  • They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

The war should be over in about a week.

Ivorwen, 2009.

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Comments 45 comments

ratcliffe07 profile image

ratcliffe07 7 years ago

This is great! I am a redneck all the way! Amen to this hub!


Vladimir Uhri profile image

Vladimir Uhri 7 years ago from HubPages, FB

I want to be on right side.


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 7 years ago from Chicago

Right on! I have never been a redneck (no pit bull, no shotgun, no pcikup truck, I have all my teeth, etc.) but I believe in the values, each and every one! Thank you and I think the split you propose is a good idea.


Madame X 7 years ago

God Bless the South and all Rednecks. The Civil War was about States' Rights - the cover was slavery. Slavery was and is evil, but States' Rights are now making a big comeback. It's about time! Count me in.


ralwus 7 years ago

Born and bred redneck, I liked this.


SEM Pro profile image

SEM Pro 7 years ago from North America

What a fabulous way to make your profound points clear and easily accepted Ivorwen! Loved it, loved the laughs and agree wholeheartedly :) Great job, thanks


fortunerep profile image

fortunerep 7 years ago from North Carolina

Hilarious!! Great Hub, I love red neck jokes, (I live in NC)

dori


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

Awesome job....I love this! Thanks! :)


Joy At Home profile image

Joy At Home 7 years ago from United States

Great job! Thanks for your accuracy.


alekhouse profile image

alekhouse 7 years ago from Louisville, Kentucky

I am definitely not a redneck, but that doesn't mean I can't open my mind to other perspectives. Appreciate where you're coming from and loved the hub. Jeff Foxworthy is one of my favorites. I like his layed back style and he's so funny.

I especially like the final one in his list of sayings: "...a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number..." And laughed out loud after reading this one: "Dear Bubba, It's OK, we've got spell check. See you Monday."

Great hub...funny, interesting and thought-provoking....Thanks, I'll be back for more.

 


Lisa HW profile image

Lisa HW 7 years ago from Massachusetts

Entertaining Hub with a lot of good points, although I can't say I feel very comfortable about the proposed "divorce". A similar "divorce" was proposed about 145 years or so ago, and that didn't go very well.


urimidden 7 years ago

Damm, Bubba is hilaireus!!! I am laughing so hard I will need to compose a more serious response to your patriotism later. Excellent Hub!!!!!!!!


Queen of the Lint profile image

Queen of the Lint 7 years ago from The Laundry Room

Love the hub! And question for you - when my cousin lived in Wyoming they called the people from Colorado "Greenies" because of their license plates. Do people in Wyoming still do that?


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 7 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

That is an interesting question about people from Colorado.  I am originally from there, and was never called a 'greeny.'  I have now lived in WY for 14 years, and have never heard the term; but, have lived in a college town near the Nebraska boarder and now live in a very fast growing community near the Idaho boarder.  Very few of the people I know are Born 'n' raised Wyomingites. 

I would guess that those closest to the CO/WY boarder might, as my husband was pulled over near Cheyenne once when we were in college , while driving my car, just for having out Colorado plates.


dennisematt 7 years ago

90% of what was said about Wyoming can be said of where I live. My Dad was from Colorado and everyone I know says I am the biggest redneck they have met. AWESOME hub!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

comment I made on another hub...thought it was appropriate here as well.

"I feel sure it's a regional thing and feel blessed to have been raised in the south. It's a very genteel part of the country. Teresa I believe lives in Beaufort, South Carolina and I'm sure she has noticed the polite and friendly people there. In the small town in North Carolina that I'm from I'm both proud and amazed at the manners exhibited there. Usually the only reason I get to go back there is for the funeral of a friend or relative and I never fail to notice that during the funeral procession to the graveyard, all cars on the road pull over to the side and wait for the procession to pass....as a matter of respect for the dead.....regardless if they knew them or not. In the large city I live in there has been a significant influx of those "damn" yankees.....and you wouldn't see any sign of respect like that here."


manlypoetryman profile image

manlypoetryman 7 years ago from (Texas !) Boldly Writing Poems Where No Man Has Gone Before...

This was all great stuff...However...That last part on the USRSF going after the Taliban...had me rolling on the floor and laughing my boots off. There really is "no limit" on humor that the good ol' boy squad of rednecks can generate..."responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death"...that is classic! Thanks Ivorwen.


SoulaBee profile image

SoulaBee 7 years ago from United States

Hello Bubba! lol


debugs profile image

debugs 6 years ago from Odessey777, Umbris

This is one of the best hubs I've ever read!


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Thank you debugs, and everyone else, for your comments and support.


Gabriella D'Anton profile image

Gabriella D'Anton 6 years ago from Los Angeles, Ca

This is sooo funny; you made my day and I really enjoy it. How do I e-mail it to all my friends?


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

So glad it made you laugh. You can e-mail it using the share button and importing your address book, or just copy and paste the url. Thanks so much.


Gabriella D'Anton profile image

Gabriella D'Anton 6 years ago from Los Angeles, Ca

I sent the link to about 80 people in US and Europe; hope your traffic will be great in the next few days.


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Well thank you very much!


lisadpreston profile image

lisadpreston 6 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

This is the funniest hub. I needed to laugh some of my problems away and this helped. I love Bubbas resume. Probably looks a bit like mine.


jxb7076 profile image

jxb7076 6 years ago from United States of America

Ivorwen - great post and thanks for sharing. I had a lot of rednecks on my side during my 25 years in the military and I don't care what the perception of them are you can not have a more committed group of people on your team.

We had a lot of fun telling redneck and homeboy hood jokes. The mexicans, asians, puerto ricans, muslims and others all participated with their perceived cultural stereotypes. After hours was quite a show. I think we could have been a big hit on late television.


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Seeing everyone acting out their own stereotypes would be so much fun to see. :)


jxb7076 profile image

jxb7076 6 years ago from United States of America

Ivorwen - yes, it was quite hilarious which provided everyone an opportunity to relax and dispell a lot of stereotypical myths about each other.


Chris Cook profile image

Chris Cook 6 years ago from Key West, Florida

This is great humor! And the fact that profanity is virtually nonexistent makes it even more acceptable. I don't see any redeeming value in castigating people from the North for something lost somewhere in our history. I feel that we should love everyone. There are also many wonderful Muslims, Palestinians and Iranians who are not terrorists.


Winsome profile image

Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

My favorite was Vladimar signing up. =:)


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Thanks Cris. Thanks Winsome.


rocknrodeogirl profile image

rocknrodeogirl 6 years ago from The Columbia Gorge

Yep, I definitely have redneck roots a-showing! ;) I enjoyed your hub, and I'm going to send it to my friend, she's considering moving to Wyoming. Brr!


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Some days, like today, are beautiful. It must be 45* out, the snow is melting, and the kids are riding bikes -- in shorts and snow boots. The thing about the cold is, you get use to it. You even can get use to the wind. :)


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 5 years ago from Los Angeles

Except for James Watkins (who is the poster boy for rednecks) all the others I know on HP (and there are plenty) did not make it to your hub yet. Should I send some invitations?


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 5 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Petra, If you want to send out some invitations, that would be fantastic! Thank you for the offer.

I didn't know very many people here, when I wrote this. :)


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 5 years ago from Los Angeles

I put a link to this in a comment I made today on a hub that is not even funny how one sided the person is. Hope his fans will come over, should they have any sense of humor - which rednecks are not famous for


Neil Sperling profile image

Neil Sperling 5 years ago from Port Dover Ontario Canada

LOL - great hub. Thanks for the laugh.

I may be a redneck but also a gentleman. Because I am a both, I have a blue jean tux complete with tails. TRUE. LOL


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 5 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Thanks Petra! I think we have met different rednecks. The ones I know are always cracking jokes. Heck, they will call, just to share a new one or tell about some dumb thing they just did!


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 5 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Thanks Neil! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I would love to see your tux. :)


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana

Speaking as a redneck girl- I'm with ya on the divorce! Excellent separation of assets.

This was awesome! I'm sharing on my facebook so my redneck friends can get a laugh too.

Do you think there will be the mandatory 3 month wait after the divorce to make it final? Lord, I hope not!


CathyandDaveAdopt profile image

CathyandDaveAdopt 5 years ago from The Med City

Yes! Awesome!


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 5 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Thanks SueRoy! I just reread that, and the only thing I am questioning is the Subaru... lots of grannies seem to like something that doesn't require a step ladder just to get in and out. :)


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 5 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Thanks Dave and Cathy!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...well first of all - please check out my good buddy - Gus the Redneck (no kidding - if you want some mighty fine writing) and I must say this may very well be the ultimate `redneck` hub of all time - (with Dueling Banjoes playing in my background right now - again, no kidding!!!!!) ...well I love your sense of style, time and place, your wit, your nerve, your verve, and such a wonderful time I`ve had here - thanks to you!!! Hubawesome I say!!!!!!


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 5 years ago from Hither and Yonder Author

Thank you so much epigramman! And I'll check Gus out. :)

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