I Want A Redneck On My Side!
"All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope." -Winston Churchill
This post is a collection of redneck jokes and perspective.
I, in no way, want to see America split, but it seem we are coming apart at the seams, and I know which side I will be on. What about you?
Will this nation be torn in two? Or will we stand united against the politicians, who want to rule the land and make it the 'Home of the Enslaved' instead of the 'Home of the Free'.
Jeff Foxworthy on Wyoming!
- If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wyoming.
- If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Big Piney is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wyoming.
- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wyoming.
- If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wyoming.
- If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wyoming.
- If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wyoming.
- If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wyoming.
- If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wyoming.
Charlie Daniels: Simple Man
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of.
I hope I am one of those.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to .
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
God Bless the USA !
...If It Comes To Divorce...
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years..
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and
all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen
can get a job wit my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am werth,I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
It's OK, we've got spell check. See you Monday.
Never Underestimate a Redneck
A Redneck from Tennessee walked into a bank in New York
City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan
officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street
in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all
enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using
a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The good 'ole Tennessee boy replied, 'Where else in
New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only
$23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
His name was BUBBA...
End this War Now!
It seems there is finally an end in sight!
The Pentagon has announced that there is a new strategy to the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan. They are going to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
The USRSF has been given the following information regarding the Taliban:
- There is no limit.
- The season opened last weekend.
- They taste just like chicken.
- They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus.
- They don't like bar-be-que.
- They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
The war should be over in about a week.
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