I am Convinced That One (or More) of These 10 Things Got Me Thrown Out of The Miss America Pageant

Miss New York 2013 Miss America winner
Miss New York 2013 Miss America winner

Right now.

Singing legend, Stevie Wonder should be singing, "Isn't She Lovely," as you scan down on this hub to view the lovely Miss America contestants whom I have chosen to grace my hub. Now I am so thankful that there is no such thing as a Mr. America Pageant.

I admit it. These girls are super-gorgeous. And talented. Great looks, talent, and plenty of charisma are the key ingredients in making a good pageant contestant. And I am the first to admit that competing in the Miss America, Miss Universe or the pageant that gets them named after their state is tough work. Bottom line is that all of the girls must bring their "A game" 24/7. These girls get my respect without argument.

FACT: the lovely Bess Myerson was the first Jewish girl to win a Miss America Pageant.
FACT: the lovely Bess Myerson was the first Jewish girl to win a Miss America Pageant.

I wish.

That I could tell you the exact time, day and year that I was in attendance to enjoy the Miss America Pageant, but sadly, I cannot. Sometimes life is like that--confusing and mysterious to the mortal man and woman.

I do remember things going great. From getting my new tuxedo to reserving a great seat. Even the staff members who (worked) for Donald Trump were nice to me. Frankly I was almost in tears of joy how a guy from rural northwest Alabama was here hobnobbing and rubbing elbows with the elite people of New York and New Jersey. I felt out of place for a long time.

But when the pageant began, I forgot all about how my tux had a rip in the right leg and my shoes were a bit dirty because there were so much beauty walking on the magnificent stage that I was totally-lost in this wonderful event.

In 2014, a first: an Indian-American woman won the Miss America Pageant.
In 2014, a first: an Indian-American woman won the Miss America Pageant.
The Miss America Pageant in the beginning.
The Miss America Pageant in the beginning.
A ton of money is spent on beautiful dresses for the Miss America Pageant.
A ton of money is spent on beautiful dresses for the Miss America Pageant.
Miss Maryland.
Miss Maryland.
Miss Vermont.
Miss Vermont.
Sgt. Theresa Vail shows off her tat's, another first for the Miss America Pageant.
Sgt. Theresa Vail shows off her tat's, another first for the Miss America Pageant.

The next thing I remember.

I awoke with a groggy head and sitting in a dim-lit room with the door locked from the outside. Why? I still wonder to this day. The room smelled like cigarette smoke and Dollar Store cologne. I almost vomited from the two stenches.

Then a muscular African-American staff member who could easily play middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears, opened the door and without a smile said, "You are free to go. And friend, let me advise you to NEVER come back to this pageant. Ever."

For weeks and months I worried about what transgression that I committed to make the Miss America Pageant kick me to the curb without cause. But this I do know . . .

I am Convinced That One (or More) of These 10 Things Got Me Thrown Out of The Miss America Pageant

  • I must have not known it was improper to munch pickled pig's feet while sitting in the audience.
  • I am always propping my feet up on the seats ahead when I go to a movie at a walk-in theater. I must have not thought and propped my feet up on some elegant lady's back in front of me.
  • Somehow I must have whistled and yelled, "right on," as each of the beauties walked so gracefully onto the stage.
  • Then again, I might have yelled, "Will you have dinner with me? I will buy."
  • Or I could have been guilty of running up to the stage drooling all over myself when Miss Alabama walked up to the microphone to answer her question.
  • Maybe me rolling in the floor in laughter at something the emcee said in his remarks made the pageant staff angry at me.
  • I wonder if I slipped-off my pants that went with my tux because I was too hot because the pageant staff had the air conditioning set on low?
  • Probably the matronly-woman sitting next to me was offended at how my breath smelled much like boiled eggs and red onions.
  • Oh, it could have been the way my feet smelled like road-kill that got me kicked-out of the pageant for those shoes that went with my tuxedo were way too little and my feet were in misery.
  • The only other reason is that I did NOT wear any deodorant. At all.

Suggestions That I Have to Improve The Miss America Pageant

  • Please have a Miss Rural America Pageant. It cannot hurt. The beauties who compete in the Miss America or Miss Universe Pageant(s) will look just as good parading themselves on the stage of the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center, Birmingham, Al.
  • Have the set to be designed as a barnyard with hay bales sitting around and farm tools such as a hoe, rake, and pitchfork standing against the wall.
  • The emcee could be Toby Keith. He can do it. Hands down.
  • Have the competitors dress in farm girl wardrobes--cut-off jeans, cowgirl boots, or denim skirts and silk blouses.
  • Have Hog Calling and Setting-out Tomato Plants as two of the main competitions.
  • The musical talent segment is limited to only Country Music songs and tunes.

I still don't know what happened to me, but I think it gave me a good shot of creativity.


Get ready to laugh.

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Comments 8 comments

DWDavisRSL profile image

DWDavisRSL 17 months ago from Eastern NC

I do believe any one of those reasons you listed would have gotten you forcibly removed from the pageant. Could it have been that you were actually guilty of multiple infractions? A friend of mine has two daughters who participate in junior pageants and have had the chance to meet many of the top level competitors. I've been able to meet several myself. They were all charming, talented ladies, either with or finishing college degrees, and a true desire to use what fame they accumulated to do good where they could.

Thank you for the laugh, and for pointing out that these are hard working, dedicated young ladies on a mission.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 17 months ago

What is wrong with pickled pig's feet?


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 17 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

I think the people who run the pageants need to get a sense of humor! How dare they??


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 17 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, fpherj48,

Hello. How are you? I have missed you. Thanks for the nice comment and I agree. Donald Trump when he owned the Miss America gig was not the funniest man alive, but maybe they think laughing would make us think that the pageant is only for laughs.

I think it would add to the luster and draw of the audiences. And even have a special competitor for the ladies named "Best One Liner" and the girl with the snappiest one liner gets huge points.

Do I make sense?

Come back anytime and talk to me.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 17 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

BreakfastPop,

Wow! Where have you been for so long? A few hubs ago, I mentioned you in a list of other followers as a dedication to the subject. Hey, nothing is wrong with pig's feet, but now that I think it over, it might have been the bring an actual case of these delicacies and set it at my feet and would munch them like a machine gun. Heyyy. I am onto something. This is why the people around me kept glaring at me.

But that is no reason to get huffy.

Breakfastpop, it was so good to hear from you Come back again.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 17 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DWDavisRSL,

Wow. You have met Miss America contestants? Hey, would you lend me your secrets to how you get to do these things? I won't tell a soul.

And you are right. These contestants are on a highly-important mission. Let's hear it for the Miss America Pageant contestants and if by chance, any of you are reading this, send me an email on my profile page and I will give you directions to my hometown and I will even buy you some sophisticated food such as shrimp.

Oops. Is this one of the things that I didn't mention?


DWDavisRSL profile image

DWDavisRSL 17 months ago from Eastern NC

Kenneth,

I have met two Miss North Carolinas when they visited the schools I teach at, two contestants for Miss North Carolina when they visited the civic club I'm a member of (one of them was dating the son of one of our members), and taught the current Northeastern States Miss who is competing in Florida for a national title as I type. This last young lady has a degree in Mechanical Engineering from U Maine.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 17 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DWDavisRSL,

My friend, you are one blessed man. I'm sincere. Not only are you in company with beautiful women, but you are teaching them. How great is that?

And I am proud to call you my friend.

Thanks for the great comment.

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