Unlikely, But Entertaining, Presidential Candidates for 2012

Howard Stern. The Whitehouse Under Stern Management
Howard Stern. The Whitehouse Under Stern Management

We all let our imaginations run wild with the possibility of Donald Trump for president. It was a glorious ( albeit short) period of time that we all took pleasure in mentally firing many of the detested politicians, one by one. It also wasn't too hard to imagine what it would be like to see the look on Obama's face when Trump says "You're fired"! Oh how I wish this dream was reality, but Trump is not likely going to be our next president (pouty frown on my face).

However, all this talk of Trump being president got me wondering what it would be like if some other well-known people were president. Well, really if anyone but Obama was president, not to mention the long line of same ol' garbage presidential hopefuls holding babies, robbing seniors, and shaking hands with the devil. At this point I could see ANYBODY else in the white house.

Will Smith; Because he is hotter than Obama and he can play any lead role.
Will Smith; Because he is hotter than Obama and he can play any lead role.
Oprah Winfrey declares puppies for everyone when she becomes president!
Oprah Winfrey declares puppies for everyone when she becomes president!
Robin Williams; He just gets it- the issues both men and women face.
Robin Williams; He just gets it- the issues both men and women face.
Errrrmerica!!!!
Errrrmerica!!!!
Criss Angel; someone who is more mysterious than Obama
Criss Angel; someone who is more mysterious than Obama

Meet Your Candidates

America, if you really must have an African American president with slightly protruding ears, might I suggest Will Smith. He's much hotter than Obama and can rock the 'Men in Black' suit a lot better. Otherwise, I present to you some great choices for the 2012 presidential campaign.

Howard Stern:The Shock Jock, and one of our Independent candidates. He will be formerly addressed as 'Mr. Asshole President Sir'- it's considered a term of endearment to him. It's easy to be president, but not everyone can be an asshole and he's had a long career perfecting the art.

Law- The first law to pass under his rule is called 'Screw Censorship and the fat f**#$*'n horse she rode in on'. Glenn Beck has a few words to say about this, but then again, who the hell cares?

Economy- Howard seems to know how to make money out of shoe boxes, and most importantly he has a way with the ladies. He's combined those talents with an idea of multiple (mass) car washes across the nation with his harem of hot sexy babes to do the washing. All proceeds go toward the national debt. The national debt is proposed to be relieved in 3 weeks of hardcore car washing.

Please note, all press conferences and speeches by him will be held late night sometime between 11 p.m. and 3 a.m. You don't like it, eat Sh*t.

Robin Williams: Weren't we saying that we need someone in office with a decent sense of humor? He's our man and he's just nutty enough to accept the job. I am tired of presidents pretending to have a sense of humor with ill-timed jokes and meager attempts at funny. If we want real funny, Williams' wit is all improv which would be a nice change from the teleprompter president Obama. I'm already laughing imagining Williams impersonating the various people in congress and representatives from other nations. How long has it been since anyone was entertained at a press conference?

War- "Gooooooood Morning Vietnam". He will provide the wars and the entertainment!

Unemployment- Have a good laugh, it'll make you feel better about being unemployed.

Healthcare- Laughter is the best medicine.

Oprah Winfrey: You know we won't hear the last of her until she becomes president of the United States and just gets it over with. I believe the entire nation is ready for an Oprah 'A-ha moment'. Actually the disclosure of the national debt should have been an awakening A-ha moment. You can't get any more progressive than a black woman for president. She got the talk show, the TV network, the magazine, so president seems to be the next logical choice.

Immigration- they're all our friends. Let's just love each other and meet every Wednesday night for Oprah's book club. We'll have some red wine for the health preserving anti-oxidants (Lord knows Oprah is 80 and still looks the same year after year) and we'll hold hands to feel one another's inner self speaking.

Economy- No worries, haven't you seen an Oprah show with all the huge giveaways? Free stuff from Oprah everyone! Mondays, free Oprah self-help workshops, Tuesdays, she'll be giving away cars, Wednesdays, people have a choice of owning their own business or talk show, etc. You get the point. It's raining Oprah gifts!

Hulk Hogan: I know what you're thinking, 'Such an obvious choice'. But still, I'll explain. It's been a long time since we had a president in tights (think Thomas Jefferson or George Wasington) and it seems the country was in better hands when men wore tights. The Hulk has a special neon yellow pair of spandex tights selected for the inauguration party. His plans don't extend far beyond that, but he has assured us that many select people in congress will be put in a head lock immediately.

Cleaning up congress- He's going to throw his first move, The Finisher, on Obama. And he's saved a special move, the Brainbuster, for Nancy Pelosi. Vice president Biden hasn't done ANYTHING, I mean anything, so The Hulk will spare him. Indecisiveness on issues or deadlocked votes in the White House will be resolved with good ol' fashioned arm wrestling.

Foreign Policy- When asked about foreign policies, The Hulk replied, 'This is America BROTHER, it's our way or no way. Take no prisoners, BROTHER'. Red, White, and blue bandannas for all American Citizens. If you don't receive a bandanna it means you're not a citizen so go home. You'll be personally escorted out of our country by 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin and Grave Digger, overseen and coordinated by Jesse Ventura.

Criss Angel: American illusionist, performer, and modern day magician, The Mindfreak. This man is as mysterious as Obama's birth certificate. He's most famous for his walking on water stunt. If we can't elect Jesus into office, Criss could possibly be the next best thing. After all, we're used to smoke and mirrors in congress or is that blowing smoke? At least he's Jewish so I'm pretty sure our money will be in good hands.

Jobs- he can make them reappear!

National debt- he can make it disappear!

Cleaning up congress- Criss is a hypnotist so he will be putting all the dead weights to sleep. Politicians like Anthony Weiner will be made to bark like the dog he is.



Brangelina. Because beauty always wins.
Brangelina. Because beauty always wins.
Martha Stewart. The White House never looked better, the linens never fresher, the silver never shinier, and the pillows never plumper.
Martha Stewart. The White House never looked better, the linens never fresher, the silver never shinier, and the pillows never plumper.
The Sheen Dream
The Sheen Dream

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: They will be running as one person and prefer to be addressed as 'Brangelina'. We don't know much about the vice president other than her name is Alice and she will mostly oversee Brangelina's Brady bunch as full-time babysitter and house maid. Brad and Angelina will save the world by adopting everybody. Press conferences will be for signing autographs- one of them might take off their shirt too! This will be censored on Fox.

Taxes- Since they have a zoo full of kids, they are 100% on board will be rewarding those with the most kids through tax breaks and welfare- business as usual. The fast food tax will finally be imposed because if Angelina doesn't need to eat, no one else does either.

Natural disaster relief funds- Neither of them will be bugged unless it's an actual disaster like Angelina's bad hair days or Brad is out of oil to rub on his bare chest, in which all available re-enforcements will be called upon.

Martha Stewart: First of all I happen to think she is one of the most qualified of our candidates with a very notable career complete with a criminal record. The mark of a great politician is one who has a criminal history, maintains their innocence, but is still found guilty. The domestic goddess did her time and has made an entirely bigger and better career for herself once released.

Napkin folding tips and Ambrosia salad recipe- Fold the napkin in half diagonally to form a triangle, and iron flat. Fold in two corners along the fold, and press one at a time...Oh come on, let's just say the staff at the White House would be the finest trained cooks, interior decorators, and house servants ever, by the time she was done with her term. Everyone will have intricately knitted sweaters for their pooches too.

Shipping jobs overseas- teach people in America how to sew and make things from scratch and recyclables, therefore we become self-sustaining. For workers still needed outside of the U.S., send the factories (sweat shops) beautiful floral arrangements to boost morale and productivity.

Charlie Sheen: Why not? The country is already going to pot. How bad could it get with Charlie? He never blunders over his words like George W. Bush and he never needs a teleprompter like Obama. He just shoots from the hip with shining Sheen quote doozies such as, "I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.” "I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning". “I think I’m worth over a 100 BILLION dollars, but that’s just on a cellular level.” "I'm not Thomas Jefferson, he was a pussy."

Vote Now

Who are you voting for in 2012?

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Comments 41 comments

Heart Felt Book profile image

Heart Felt Book 5 years ago from New York, NY

awesome ! I say Oprah! Although i love will smith as a leader .. great hub.. thanks voted up


Harvey Stelman 5 years ago

IZ, When he was thinking of running for Governor I wondered when somone would talk abut this. Howie didn't run for Gov when he realized he had to produce his tax report. H


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Heart Felt Book,

Oprah Freakin Winfrey??? Didn't you see the Hulkster over there? He's IN my sister! Oprah's going to be secretary of state. The world will readily respond to her suggestions as body parts start flying as Hulkamania begins spreading across the planet. YEAH!!!! Ya gotta love it .. Weiner walks into the Oval Office to find President Hogan looking at pictures of his pee wee. BAM!! Body slam followed by a crushing elbow drop! President Hogan's tearing off his shirt and suit jacket, as he prepares to finish off a now, on the floor weiner in spasams. Vice President Sheen comes running in and holds the President's hand high in the air screaming, "This Is Winning!!" They both start kicking a now lifeless Weiner. Oh, man, the excitement of it all!

Okay sis,

You really out did me here. I'm going to have to step it up a notch. You said "The teacher is now the student." Well the teacher just kicked her student's ass. No wonder I didn't get a call today. You were busy putting together a four star special! God I love it when you kick ass.

jim


stclairjack profile image

stclairjack 5 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks

this was better than evening cable news,.... my god i laughed soooooo hard,... thank you!


ChristianRecca profile image

ChristianRecca 5 years ago from Rutherford, NJ

How about Bob Dylan for president? You can appoint Springsteen as VP in case he keels over.

Seriously though, Ron Paul is pretty awesome. He pushes drug legalization, gay marriage, etc.


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Yea, Ron Paul is ... uhh, kinda different. He's always got that Grateful Dead cult thing following him around cheering him on, and that is just plain old good entertainment.

jim


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Heartfelt book~ I like Will Smith a little better than Oprah, but Oprah has proved she's capable of just about anything so I'd vote for her.

Hi Harvey- thanks for stopping by. Tax problems? No way! lol.

Jim~ don't ask me where it comes from. My brain has been set on random lately- the stuff I'm coming up with is so random, but I'm just having fun with it. This was a fun hub to produce and glad you enjoyed it. That's what's good about you and me on hubpages- we have to one up the other. Healthy competition- lol. I've been a busy girl but we'll connect soon. I love the Hulk too- I'm a wrestling fan for sure and Hulk is iconic.

Stclairjack~ thanks so much and happy to give you a chuckle. I have to admit I was laughing a bit while writing it.

ChristianRecca~ You know, I thought about Bob Dylan, I really did. Great stuff! Thanks for stopping by.


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Sis,

You got that right! This piece was awesome, and from deep center field. Get a good nights sleep tonight. I'm publishing one tomorrow, and you'll need your thinking cap! Grrrrrrr ..

jim


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 5 years ago from Los Angeles

Terrific hub and as funny as it gets when it comes to important decisions. It is for the first time in months that I really laughed and I thank you for that.

With politics those days the joke is on us anyway, so I see Williams as the most qualified candidate with Sheen at his side. Way to go America, way to go!


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 5 years ago from United States

I love this hub because we need to be able to laugh at ourselves sometimes and your choices are hysterical. I don't think Oprah's a good choice because she's got too much money and would buy off anyone in her way but Will Smith would a be a lot of fun. I think this hub is brilliant


RevLady profile image

RevLady 5 years ago from Lantana, Florida

Thank you for giving me a "humor break." Interesting choices for president. Loved it.

Forever His


FIS profile image

FIS 5 years ago

Defiantly Howard, if there are going to be Washington sex scandals we might as well be able to reduce the deficit by watching them on pay per view. Hey, Caligula turned the executive palace and Senate of the Roman Empire into a brothel to raise money and the Roman Empire survived it.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

What a fantastic piece, izettl. This is one of the greatest conceptual articles I've seen. It got my foggy brain geared up and running. The list could be endless, as I believe there are some brilliant humanitarians in Hollywood. I wish you would submit this to The New York Times for publication or anywhere where it would be seen by all Americans, maybe Andy Rooney or someone with his kind of cynical clout, because although its funny it has genuine merit. In fact, this one would inspire me to vote for you!


Lauryallan profile image

Lauryallan 5 years ago

lol I loved this piece. Maybe you should put their names in a hat and whomever gets chosen is president. I mean it can't be worse than some of the presidents you've had b4... can it?


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jim~ the compeitition is heating up, my friend.

Hi there Myster!ous- thanks for stopping by. Robin Williams is my kind of entertainment!

Petra~ great to see you here and so glad to have given you a laugh. Sad thing is I can see Charlie Sheen getting voted in for sure.

Pamela~ out of all the "candidates" I could see Oprah as the most like a politician. However, I hope she would not screw us too much for sake of getting bad karma for herself.

RevLady~ Thanks for the great compliment- happy I could provide some entertainment and humor.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

FIS~ I could see Howard in it to win it! And I think his plan for eradicating the national debt would work like a charm- I know it would include his harem in some way. Your point about the Roman Empire and the brothel proves it. Thanks for stopping by Bob.

Amy~ You're throwing some terrific compliments my way. wow! Yes, the list could literally be endless. I know Arnold Schwarzenneger didn't work out as Govenor, but Ronald Reagan was a good president (in my view)so maybe we should be looking more toward Hollywood. Thanks so much for your comment Amy!

Lauryallan~ Putting names in a hat seems much fairier than letting everyone vote! It can't be worse, you're right.Thanks for the comment.


Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 5 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

Actually, I don't think any of these are far-fetched notions (except Sheen.) Stern ran for governor of NY. Hogan talked about running for President a few years back (Just around the time Ventura and Ah-Nuld were governors.) We've had actors as governors, President (Regan), Mayor (Clint Eastwood), and in the Senate (Sonny Bono.) Right now, Al Fraken is in the Senate. So I wouldn't be surprised by any of these guys running. (Except Sheen. Too nuts!)

(By the way, in the Hulk Hogan section, I think you meant The Undertaker, not the Grave Digger.)

Fun hub. Thanks.

Rob


FIS profile image

FIS 5 years ago

Hi Iz,

Actually I live in New York State and as Rob points out, Howard has run for Governor of New York and he definitely was not in it to win it. He withdrew from the race when he realized that he was going to have to make all of his personal financial info public. I don't know if he was afraid of people finding out that he had more money than people think or less money than he brags about, heck, maybe he just didn't want his wife to know how much money there was, or wasn't, anyway, he wouldn't do it so he had to back out. Fact is, that year I was disgusted with both candidates and I could conceivable have voted for him as a protest if he had made it as far as the ballet.

Bob


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

What great choices, izettl, and what perfect descriptions of potential candidates. I would add just one more to the mix - Jack the Ripper. As President, he would be delighted to rip into the opposition. Only problem, we don't know who he is. But I'm workin' on it.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Rob~ I was a little nutty to consider Sheen, but you know how the media loves those kind of stories and the media seems to be a big game player in the elections so I had to add him in there.

Yes, I have to change the Grave Digger (I think that was a Monster Truck or something). Geez I used to be into all that stuff, and now I have to jog my memory overtime.

Thanks for stopping by.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Bob~ I heard about that with Howard. I might have voted for him but I'm on the othr side of the nation. Well, I think as a presidential hopeful, he wouldn't have to go through any screening. There doesn't seem to be any background checks or fact checking when people run for president. I mean if Obama got away with not presenting a birth certificate then Howard could easily slip in.

Drbj~ Jack the Ripper- oh yes, he's so elusive, not unlike some presidents. You capture him and I'll write his profile into my hub here. Deal? lol.


FIS profile image

FIS 5 years ago

Hi Iz,

Actually, for President a candidate must present the same financial statements as they do for Governor of New York. There is some speculation that this may be why Donald Trump is not running. He's always kept his finances a secret so we don't know if he's as rich as he says or if he's a lot of noise. This was also a bone of contention for Hillary Clinton last time around because in NY her finances and Bill's finances are the same thing and Bill didn't want to release his info, though he finally did.

While it's true that to run for president you don't have to go through an FBI background check.. the press does vet them pretty thoroughly. The info is out there on the web for those who want to take the time to look for it.

Obama did submit the legal equivalent of birth certificate. I've had to do that myself recently. My mother has dementia and I have no idea where my real birth certificate is. To get a real copy of my birth certificate means time in court petitioning my county. But, City hall sold me a piece of paper that says that I was legally born in the city which is recognized by state, local and federal authorities as having the same legal force as a birth certificate. That's the same sort of thing Obama presented at the beginning of the campaign. I don't want to tell you my opinion of the people who made a big deal about that not being good enough ha ha ha

Bob


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

if oprah ever runs for president, i will shoot myself. She already ruined the Discovery Health Channel- not gonna let her continue the job of the last two presidents :-)


Cari Jean profile image

Cari Jean 5 years ago from Bismarck, ND

Hilarious! Not sure who on this list I would vote for. But Hulk Hogan might not be that far off - WWF Wrestler Jesse Ventura was the governor of Minnesota at one time. And I think the real reason Oprah is stopping her show is because it was her ultimate goal to help a black man get elected president, now that that's done why continue to bother with her own show?


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

PDX~ I will be right beside you, voting against Oprah. She drives me nuts. I would consider living in another country if she were president. Thanks for your comment.

Cari Jean~ great to see you. I agree, I think the Hulk would be OK, far better than Oprah. I never thought about Oprah's hand (and goal)in getting a black man elected. Makes sense.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Bob~ I understand the financial background, but then how do white collar criminals get elected into congress? The checks must not be substantial enough. I first learned about this in one of Jim's (themanwithnopants) hubs about all the conressmen with criminal records or who've done things to doctor the books a little. So we only elect the ones who are dumb enough not not think they will get caught or it's their first time doing it (yeah, right). The smart ones like Howie and The Donald retract from running before they get caught. Or you could be right about them, especially Don, not having as much money as we think.

I understand the birth certificate thing with Obama- if he had the most recent document he presented in the beginning why not just present it back then. He and many others made big deal about McCain being born on a military base and whether it was considered American soil. It all seems silly, but we shouldn't slip on anything. The media seemed very light and forgiving with Obama,nobody wanted to seem racist- white guilt, etc. played a role. If the media (or anybody) questioned anything about Obama they would get attacked as racist or not politically correct. Now people are attacking him more because we have facts about his performance to base our opinions on.


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon

Her pseudo generosity (it's called sponsorship. It's not as if Oprah actually goes out and buys stuff for her cult like followers), her barely suppressed racism and sexism and her voice. These are all reasons why I'd rather die then see her as president


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

PDX~ yep I totally agree.


FIS profile image

FIS 5 years ago

Hi Iz,

Well, the current financial reporting that candidates have to do is based on their income tax returns so it's not likely to catch criminal activity unless it's been caught by the IRS. When the press catches them at criminal activity it doesn't seem to matter, witness the Congressman from New Orleans arrested going to brothels. All of his constituents knew about it and returned him to office anyway, or Anthony Weiner, polling in his district suggests that more than 50% of the voters didn't want him to resign and would have voted for him again, in fact, they were more angry at him for resigning than they were for his Twitter shenanigans. He only resigned because Nancy Pelosi was going to strip him of his committee assignments.

As to all the white collar crime you and Jim talk about, the fact is, maybe with the exception of Jim, I don't know any small businessman who don't commit some sort of (minor) white collar crime, I'd type out a list but it would take to long and I don't want to get anyone in trouble. We scream loudly about being a nation of laws but I know almost no one who doesn't run stop signs, break the speed limit or who hasn't tried marijuana. We are a nation of people who want other people to obey the law but are very forgiving to ourselves and people that we like or know.

As to Obama, the original document he presented was legally acceptable as a birth certificate, that's why he didn't present a copy of the actual birth certificate that he didn't have, when people began hounding him for it, even though there was no reason to, he took the time to get the copy for them even though it wasn't necessary and a legal pain in the you no what to get, I actually am more concerned whether any legal steps were skipped to get the copy. If he just had a friend in Hawaii's govt. pull strings and find shortcuts to get it, then I'd be pissed. I couldn't do that. Still, if it shut up the birthers, it was a good thing, although I don't believe that those conspiracy minded folks are satisfied yet.

I didn't hear any media about McCain's birth until the birthers were into there second year of ignoring reality and it seemed to me that most of the people yelling about McCain's eligibility were liberals trying to point out how ridiculous the birthers sounded.

Meanwhile, a study of the papers written by the founding fathers on why they wanted presidents to be born in the USA shows that their concern wasn't the loyalty of immigrants, it was a fear that European noblemen who were as wealthy as today's super rich, might come over here and try and buy elections in order to start North American empires. It of course provides us no protection from today's American super rich buying elections.

Bob


Ryan-Palmsy profile image

Ryan-Palmsy 5 years ago from In a Galaxy far, far away

Robin Williams would be awesome.

Morgan Freeman would be better!


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks Ryan-Palmsy. I agree about Morgan Freeman!I would listen to all the presidential speeches because i love his voice so much. He also seems liek a very intelligent guy.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

....well I can see why you have 12 million followers - your writing is hubtastic and I just finished reading your interview with Jim who happens to be a good buddy of mine and I just popped over my from my humble little hubcave to congratulate you (and the Man himself) for a very interesting background on your thoughts and interests.

If Arnold Schwarzenegger had been born an American citizen - guess who would have been in the White House by now (chasing after all of the interns and the maids; he would have made Bill Clinton look like a boy scout -lol)

lake erie time 10:10am I am a Canadian and for the most part -apolitical.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

hello epigramman~ Good ol' Arnold. He would have given Clinton a run for his money (a boy scout for sure- lol).Thank you for stopping by. It is an honor from the master of words himself. I think embellished a little in the interview. I noticed he said I had over 1500 followers but I'm lower than that- what a great friend!


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 5 years ago

Izzeti ,I awesomed this one , because .......well just because ! Anyone in the right mind knows it's Robin Williams!.....:-}


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

ahorseback~ thanks so much for the awesome. Robin Williams would be so entertaining as president.


ryansreviews profile image

ryansreviews 5 years ago from Texarkana, Texas

Great hub izzetl! Very interesting and a different outlook on poitics. I awesomed this and voted Robin Williams because... well I mean come on!!! Ms. Doubtfire for president! Classic!


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

ryan- I'm with you, Robin is the clear winner- nobody cooler. Thanks for stopping by.


sj_workman79 profile image

sj_workman79 5 years ago from New Hampshire

Howard Stern. He can be rude and crude but completely honest, intelligent and relateable. Not to mention he would be very entertaining in the office.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

sj_workman79~ actually I agree about Howard. I couldn't see him being anything but blunt and honest and putting people in their place.


cooldad profile image

cooldad 5 years ago from Florida

Very funny hub. Howard Stern hands down, probably the most honest person on the list. I would write in Bill Hicks, but he's not alive.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

cooldad~ Howard seems to be getting the popular vote from everyone. Bill HIcks...interesting. It was tempting to include some candidates that aren't alive anymore.

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