Incompatible personalities – can they live together in harmony?

Do you know a person you like and dislike at the same time?

Now this is a fine line. Let's categorize three types of people in our lives –

  1. People we like in spite of their shortcomings.
  2. People we don’t like in spite of their goodness.
  3. People we like and dislike at the same time.

This hub is not about 1: The people we like in spite of their shortcomings. All our friends fall in this category.

This hub is also not about 2: The people we don’t like in spite of the fact that they are kind and respectable. We normally ignore them.

On my mind today is 3: Those individuals we like and dislike at the same time. We really would like to like them. We are always aware of their good characteristics; we will even support them whenever they need support. Yes, we will walk the extra mile for them, discontented. They are in our midst - they could be a colleague, or a client, or a member of our family. They may even be one of our parents, children or our spouse.

We call them Incompatible Personalities.

Incompatible personalities

is as much a phenomenon as friendships. When we compare the reasons why we like our friends in spite of whatever they do or fail to do, and the reasons why we don’t like our incompatibles, we realize that there is no answer in the reasons. Incompatible personalities are an unreasonable, illogical truth/fact/reality like any other 'feeling' of us. Our chemicals are to blame as well as our own self-esteems: The Ego, Self-Image and True Self is a complicated unit always in conflict with each other.

Consider my simple interpretation of a person's psychological system, based on Freud and kie’s theories. The system is composed of -

  • The Mind (brain) – The driver containing the knowledge and wisdom we obtained since the day we were born.
  • The Ego – The heartless conscienceless ROBOT programmed by our feelings/emotions to protect Self.
  • Self-Image – the person we would like to be and perhaps already is in certain aspects of our lives. If we are contented and happy with ourselves, sure we are the mother/wife/teacher/nurse/wealthy and healthy person we would like to be, it merely means that our Self and Self-image are at last in harmony with each other. But don’t think this harmony will last forever. A virus or bacteria can enter us any moment to change us into a sick and even dying person. Self, Ego and Mind then have to adjust Self-image - our psychological network will have to work overtime to adjust him/her in accordance with reality and our ‘idea’ of a dignified and respectable dying person.
  • Self – The ever so vulnerable, destroyable and mortal being we really are.

I base my speculations about incompatible personalities only on this specific system.

The incompatible personality

is the person in our lives who confuses and threatens our True Self. S/he can command our admiration with one sentence and our disdain with the very next one. Our confused Self then experience a feeling of insecurity. The Ego register this feeling at the speed of lighting and as it is his task to protect Self, he gives one of three instructions to the brain/mind: Fight, Flee, or Fall.

Mind/brain, storing our knowledge and wisdom, and Self-image are now in conflict with each other. Self-image may protest: “I don’t flee or fall, I am a fighter.” Brain/mind may put his foot down: “During fighting we will lose our dignity. Be carefully and wise...” Self-image has a mind of its own and he/she may ignore Mind and act impulsively, forcing Mind to come forward with knowledge and wisdom we call ‘regrets’. And so the components in our psychological system interact all the time while our True Self, who yearns for peace and harmony, suffers anxiety.

Dictionaries described incompatibility as the

  • relation that exists when opposites cannot coexist or be conjoined;
  • quality of being unable to exist or work in congenial combination;
  • opposed in character;
  • inability to be true simultaneously;
  • Inability to belong to the same object simultaneously.

Synonyms for incompatibility are - unsuitable, inharmonious, contradictory, antagonistic, uncongenial, contrastive, ill-sorted, mismated.

SOME OF MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

My mother-in-law was a kind and good woman, the most generous person I’ve ever known. Feeding her guests was her way of expressing her love for them. I admired her hospitality and her eagerness to spoil her guests with delicious snacks, but at the same time this habit of hers irritates me because of many reasons.

She could talk the hind leg off a donkey about this and that – the prices of groceries, the weather, her pains and ailments, the boils on the bum of her cousin’s son and the latest scandals in the palaces of kings and in the homes of her relatives and friends. Everybody, except me, hung on her lips.

Whenever I tried to instigate a conversation of my choice, for example: "I wonder why do some people always try to fit the ears of a hippopotamus to their own idea of a hippopotamus? Would it not be much more interesting to explore the hippo whose ears are visible above the water?"

She would give me a bewildered glance before coming forward with something in this manner: “Now what shall I say, did you know Edgars has a sale on their slacks and shoes...”

Most of the time I did not like her, but I always loved her.

Another incompatible personality in my life was a woman called Jolene. She was elected as the chairperson of the Parent Committee. With her cooperation I had to organize our orchestra’s annual prestige concert. She was a remarkable lady - the chairperson of many other important committees in our region. She was the ninth chairperson of a parent committee I had to work with, and the first one I was not able to.

She was in fact one of those seekers of glory and fame, pretending they possess all the qualities needed in the position of a leader. In fact she was not able to perform the required duties. I could not stand her. The entire year I was a bomb ready to explode.

So now you think I must be nuts, loving people I don’t like?

In my book love is action – a verb. We can love people we don’t like by merely respecting them and allowing them to be what they want to be (within the limits of justice.) Love can be practiced in many ways: Giving moral support, feeding the hungry, cleaning the environment wherein our loved-ones have to live, performing the duties of others when they are for some reason incapable, et cetera.

So I loved Jolene by performing her duties in silence behind the curtains and by not telling her what I really thought of her. At the end she received the praise she was looking for, and I was happy because another function was successfully completed.

It was not always easy to love my mother-in-law. (It is never easy to love a personality that clashes with yours.) I loved her by never telling her what I really thought of her and her manners, by treating her with respect even while she did not deserve it.

It is not easy to be polite and friendly to a person we don't like. But loving them will be loving ourselves. We feel proud of ourselves when we do what is correct and decent, proud when we manage to suppress our negative feelings.

Improving our own personalities is a full-time job. We really don’t have much time to become the ultimate person we can be before we die.

However,

I have to confess that I am not always able to love my incompatibles. After almost twenty years of liking and disliking my ex-husband, I left him – an act of hate.

A few years ago I reported the most arrogant man I’ve ever met to his superiors. He was a narcissist who humiliated and disdained his inferiors and kissed the feet of his superiors. He destroyed the self-esteems of too many children and adults. Of course I was not the first and only person who had filed a grievance against him, but I was surely part of the force that had lifted him out of his position into one where he was no longer able to ruin the self-esteems of children.

Quite recently I hated a man again. Since the day I met him I liked and disliked him simultaneously. He is good and kind, hiding behind a masque of elegance, charm and splendor. He enjoys éclat wherever he goes in spite of his shortcomings. Because he is an entertainer par excellence, he is extremely popular.

Then, in his arrogance, he humiliated me for the umpteenth time. So I've sent him a message: “...I tried my best to understand you... I even tried to assure myself that I do admire your guts... But let's be honest and call us incompatible personalities...."

After I had posted the letter, I hated myself.

I considered sending him an apology, but then he proved to me that my opinion of him means in any case nothing. He was after all not born to please me, he loves himself just the way he is and all his friends adore him just the way he is. So who am I? My humble apology will not make him feel better or badder about himself.

I was the only one who felt bad because I have sent him hate mail.

The Myers-Briggs (personality)Type Indicator

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

Since I can remember human personalities fascinated me. I was the most impressed with the type indicator of Katharine Cook Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers, known as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), published for the first time in 1962. They extrapolated this theory during World War II from Carl Jung’s writings in his book Psychological Types.

Extract from Wikipedia: “The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions.”

It is not always possible to ignore people we don’t like, or people we don’t always like. At work and in our families we have to live and work in harmony with them in order for us, and in fact for all involved, to be happy and contented.

Isabel Myers: “Whatever the circumstances of your life, the understanding of type can make your perceptions clearer, your judgements sounder and your life closer to your heart’s desire.

Considering the fact that we can not reach all the people in this world - we are limited by space and time – please ponder over my idea: “We gather friends because in the presence of friends we like ourselves, therefore we ignore people in whose presence we don’t like ourselves.”

Just imagine how much more we will like ourselves when we are able to live and work in harmony with people we don’t like!

More by this Author


Comments 78 comments

matt6v33 profile image

matt6v33 5 years ago from Bangkok, Thailand

Ms Martie,

Once Again My Dear, u have clearly demonstrated that obivious God Given talent your've been blessed with. ,

Great Hub!

Well research, Well Thought Out, Well Delivered, Well Written.

So I Thought "Hmmm, WELL, Thats's Her" "A True Pro"!

Keep Writing Ms Martie, Keep Going is my prayer for you This Day!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

matt6v33 – Thank you, sir. Your compliments are much appreciated. Thanks for reading and commenting. Keep going, keep focused, is also my prayer for you. I’m giving you a cyber-hug.


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 5 years ago from United States

Martie, This is an excellent, well written hub and very interesting. I took the Myers Brigs test in college but can't quit remember where I stood except for extrovert. Anyway, I really enjoyed your hub.Rated up.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Pamela99 – I’ve done mine twice – not recently – and I was amazed to see that I’ve changed from extrovert to introvert. By the way, they – or was it Jung himself – have a unique criteria for extro and intro. And now I’m curious... have to check on this again. Thanks for your much appreciated visit, Pamela. Take care!


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 5 years ago from South Africa

Excellent Martie! I like the MBTI very much and have used it for years in team building and other training courses that I ran.

It is true the definitions of introvert and extrovert are not what one would expect exactly. They have more to do with locus of control and the source of one's values - introvert is more internal locus of control and internally developed values, while extrovert has more to do with an external locus of control and external values. An extrovert, in other words, looks more to others for validation of self while an introvert finds validation within.

The other point is that as you have observed one's orientation on MBTI can change over time. I know that like your's, mine certainly has.

When I was younger I was ESTJ and in my more mature (I hope!) years I have beome INFP - almost the direct opposite!

An important point about MBTI is that all orientations have their strengths and weaknesses, no orientation is "better" than another. In some circumstances one orientation will be more appropriate and in other circumstances another. In a team, for it to work optimally, all orientations should be represented as far as possible, to avoid blind spots.

Now I've taken over your Hub with my comment - sorry! Hope that my remarks are helpful.

Love and peace

Tony


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

tonymac04 – Your comment emphasizes all the reasons why I am so impress with MBTI. We have to change. If we are today the same person we were last year this time, it means we did not grow. MBTI is an ideal indicator of growth. I also prefer their interpretation of introvert-extrovert, and I believe we should strive for balance. Until mid 90’s I was as much of an introvert as an extrovert. I’ve turned into an introvert... and because of wrong perceptions settled in my mind it took some time for me to realize that introvert is not a synonym for aloof and shy.

Thanks, Tony, for improving my hub with your kind and informative comment. Take care! Hou die blink kant bo :)


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden

Martie, this is a brilliant and interesting hub and it starts so many thoughts, because I know what you mean. I have gone trough all the stages; admired a human that I both like and dislike, thinking that it must be my fault or that it is due to my nasty personality, dismiss a human I both like and dislike, by thinking too much of my self. But the facts remain, no matter how many of these people I manage to get rid of, more such personalities will come my way! With age?! I have learned to recognize them, accept facts and I now believe that every single one of those people can teach me something new about myself. They are there for my practise! So, I use them for my one benefit, and I try to analyze what it is with that person that annoys me. Often I come to the conclusion that they have some quality that I lack ,or I belive that I lack. When I have figured it out, I can choose to change myself or not. Either way, after I have made a decision I often find it more easy to be around them, because they do not affect me anymore like they did. Each meeting meens that we reflect ourselves in each other, and the other person either reinforces our self-image or reduces it. But then again, sometimes nothing works and it is better to avoid them completely if possible:) So, my advice; use them, they are there for your practise!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

thougtforce – I enjoyed your comment tremendously, because, of course, it is the echo of my own thoughts. How unpleasant those introspections, searching for reasons in yourself why you dislike another amazing human being, considering the possibility that you may be envious and malicious?

With honesty I can say that I was never one of these, I truly admire their attributes without coveting them just as I resented their dislikable manners without coveting it. They were, after all exactly what/who I did not want to be.

But my thoughts grew wings – thanks to your comment – and I am now facing the following possible truth: I coveted their glory and apparent happiness... but why, I had my own.... but WANTING IT ALL is one of human’s strongest desires... Considering my disgust because they were allowed to commit the wrongs I so disliked, and they did not even loose their fans, I sense some unfairness towards myself in that.

Me – my the real, vulnerable true Self - who believes she is a princess protected by a robot (ego) and an impressive image and a mighty clever brain, reckoned the admiration they enjoyed belonged to her. Haha! Unmasked, checkmate... she’s a little devil, is she not? Lol!

You are so right, we do learn from them just as much as we learn from our friends, if not more! They are the ones who force us to explore ourselves and to face our less admirable characteristics and in fact our true selves... to prevent us to become so full of ourselves that there are no room left for new knowledge and wisdom.

Thoughtforce, thanks a zillion for your interesting and very important comment on this issue. You and I are certainly on the same page regarding many issues. Take care!

PS: I love your advice: “Determine what the incompatibles are teachings us, make our decision – whether we are going to work on the issue or not, in other words focus on the areas in our own personality that (may) need improvement, and whalla.... they will not affect us anymore.” Oh, I know this was somewhere in my mind, but it was covered with resentment. Thank you, friend, you’ve ripped it out! Now this is what friends are for. Keeping the natural aloofness of Swedes in mind, I’m sending you a big hug via secret mail to enjoy where no-one can see you :)))


JY3502 profile image

JY3502 5 years ago from Florence, South Carolina

Good hub Martie...but I know you were thinking of me! LOL


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland

Martie, what a wonderful and fascinating hub! I too enjoy studying and comparing/contrasting different personality types. I'm always trying to figure out why I clash with certain people and am attracted to others. I've taken the MBTI twice and they say your type doesn't change, but after 20 years, mine did: I went from an ENTP to an INFP. Great research and excellent examples from your own life. Thanks so much for sharing. Rated you up and awesome. Namaste.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

JY3502 – Oh no.... lol! You are my cutest hardworking brother. I like you in spite of... mmmm..... Please help me out and admit something really bad in your personality for me to dislike. Lol!

Thanks for coming over, JY – you know I always appreciate your recognition. Take care!


minso profile image

minso 5 years ago

Martie, Great hub. As usual you are very thorough in whatever you write. Great explanation with examples on incompatible relationships. I can personally relate to the examples you have given. I liked the love-like difference you have explained, though difficult to practice. All the best.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Erin LeFey – I actually have an obsessive desire to understand people, including myself. We are so complicated, and so able to harm each other. Tonymac and I, and now you too, changed from E to I – obviously it has something to do with age/maturity. I believe that changes in personalities clearly indicate growth, either positively or negatively. People who never change, who keep on doing, thinking and believing exactly the same thing, are the heavy baggage we have to drag with us on our way forward. Thanks for you much appreciated comment, Erin. I’ll see you soon.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

minso – I appreciate your visit and comment.... it is really good to know you are in harmony with me about the issue. Practice makes perfect... let us never get tired of practicing love. Lately I find it a very uplifting hobby... waking up in the morning, inspiring myself: “Now let’s see who we can love today.” At least it is easy to make eye contact with people you pass and to give them a smile.


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 5 years ago from I'm outta here

Funny thing here goes the writers brain... I was just talking about this with my sister this past week. I decided to research it and while doing so I found some information about physcopaths. I read and followed the trail, which lead me to the realization that I like (or more to the point as you said, love others) due to compassion for others and their struggles, journeys or gifts. Those without a conscious (1 in 25 people) make it very difficult to like them. They do things that are so self absorbed, hurting others and leaving the compassionate of us with the ability to experience empathy to feel put off by their lack of regard for others. Hmmmm I got a bit off in left field and do forgive me, yet I feel this realization helps to understand better why personalities can be incompatible.

I like your look into the many facets and facts about why we like and dislike some. So true, rated up, and voted everything good!

Well done and thank you for completing the answer to the question bouncing about in my writers head...

:) Katie


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Very thoughtful and impressive hub, Martie, but I would expect no less.

The issue with being human is we are always searching for answers even when those answers are not easy to find. If you love someone even though you don't like that person, move on. You don't need to find the answer. Just keep 'loving' him or her.

I enjoyed your reference to the MBTI. I have used it in counseling and coaching for many years. It is one of my favorite instruments to determine personality preferences, because it is so easy to understand. And generally very accurate. I may do a hub on Myers Briggs one day.


leabeth profile image

leabeth 5 years ago

Martie your Hub is very interesting and after reading it I did a search on myself regarding my dislike and like of one of my colleagues. He is one of those persons that irritates you when going into length of telling you something but when he is in trouble at work I feel sorry for him and in a way like him at that moment. I came to the conclusion that maybe I am jealous of his calmness in handling a sticky situation. Just shows you that you can learn from people that you dislike and like. I have taken the MBTI test and also have changed from E to I – It definitely has something to do with age and maturity.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

katiem2 – What they called psychopaths in the past is now known as sociopaths. I’ve mentioned them in a hub I’ve written about con-artist – It goes perfectly with your comment and perhaps it will give wings to your thoughts. http://hubpages.com/politics/Con-artists-sociopath...

In the past I blamed and disliked myself every time I disliked somebody. I’ve experienced all those inferior feelings of not being Christ-like, not able to see the good in others. My mother stood on the scripture “... first cast the beam out of your own eyes...” So I was desperately searching for that beam in my eyes. I was extremely religious, captured in a cocoon and not able to see the bigger picture...

The idea or rather perception I now have of love - that it is a verb and not a feeling - makes it so much easier to love my fellowman as I love myself, and to love (respect and honor) God (what/who ever He is beyond our comprehension) with all my heart.

Thanks for the visit, Katie – You know I am very fond of you and I love receiving your comments. Take care!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

drbj – I would love to read your interpretation of MBTI. I’ve analyzed myself for the second time quite a while ago. After this hub and all its comments I am really curious to do it again. Will you please also address the fact that personalities do develop and change, or perhaps you have a different view on this?

When regarding love as a verb (instead of a feeling) it is really easy to keep ‘loving’ for better or for worse. It’s just something you DO, because you’ve got to do it.... you promised.... and, oh well, if you got to break that promise for some relevant reason, just do it, get over it and move on. I believe we have romanticized love to extremes. The Greeks have how many – four – words for love – I’m sure they always knew exactly what they meant when they talk about love. Meaning I can say I love you, drbj, and everybody will know I love you as in ‘philia’ and not ‘eros’.

I’m not good on Shakespeare, but I remember one of his characters said to another one: “You think too much.” Now that character was probably me in one of my previous lives... BTW, what a genius I would have been today if I could remembered only half of the lessons I’ve learned during my previous lives... Oh, what do we know :))))

Thanks, drbj, your comments always give weight to my hubs.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

leabeth I knew and still know many of those prolix speakers, and as you can see I tend to be one of them myself, although I try my best to keep what I have to say short. “What is the point?” is a sentence I utter almost every day of my life, and not always in a friendly manner. And I love that long-winded man so much, I hate myself when I get irritated with him. I would say the kind of dislike I experience towards him is not really ‘dislike’ as in despicable – it is merely getting irritated with one of the shortcomings in a person I really like.

Perhaps your case is the same as mine. Then you only need some more patience to deal with it. Just give it another thought. But oh my, if it is not, you’ve got my sympathy, for being obliged to listen to a long-winded guy you don’t like, is harrowing.

So you’ve also change from Extrovert to Introvert. Now there, we do grow. Thanks for the visit, Leandra. I enjoy your visits tremendously. What a wonder – all these years distance (and available time) kept us apart, and now we are in spite of the same distance able to communicate. Have a wonderful week!


Darlene Sabella profile image

Darlene Sabella 5 years ago from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ...

HI so happy to see you today, it's been way to long, and I miss you...we must email again...I love love this and your writing is so awesome...I am so proud of you my dear friend, and writing here on hubs we support each other so much. Time gets harder tho when you get many followers to say something wonderful to your close friends. Thinking about your hub, some people are just down right mean, it's like they are slowly going crazy, I have this idea that we are what we eat, so healthy food gives us a healthy mind. I feel so bad when I get annoyed my a crazy person, and now since I have grown older I'm not shy anymore and well tell them they are being rude. This is a great subject and during these times a more serious problem, honestly our planet is disappearing into something I don't recognizse anymore. Rate you way up, love you way up and peace to all, darski


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Darlene Sabella – you are a breeze of fresh, cool air, I just love your sparkling personality. We are what we eat, hey? Well, that makes me Chocolates and Coke, because that is what I eat and drink most of the time. I’ve got to follow your good example. Me too, I just can’t keep ahead of all the hubs of my friends, I’m always one of the last to arrive in their comment sections. Oh well, rather late than never. These days I find myself also not as polite as I was in the past. I’m fed up with certain habits people have, and even with some of my own – my toleration and temper is shrinking the older I get – must be the hormones. Thanks for rating me up, dear Darski. I’m so glad you are my friend, you always make me smile – just look at your new avatar. You remind me of a typical artist :)))You are too precious!


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

My Dear Martie, The most important aspect i can take from this hub, is to learn to love one's self. I found this difficult for a large part of my adult life, then one day i began to realize that to love and understand other's, first you have to understand you.I was so religious and caught up in the 'rights' of the world that i forgot about the people, as i've matured, i find that love comes much easier for me. ( I'm not talking about a man/ lover ) There are still people who annoy me, but i find that i don't have to like them, it's ok, just avoid hate. I enjoyed this hub so much. Your writing skill is superb.

Cheers


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

always exploring – I understand what you are saying to me, and I agree wholeheartedly. If we don’t understand, really understand, and love ourselves, we will not be able to love someone else. Too many people project the love they should have for themselves onto others – their spouse, children or parents. Just to feel unfulfilled, abused, mistreated and unhappy. I know, I was such a person. If I loved myself – knew how to – I would have never allowed some people to hurt me the way they did. Our parents did not know the importance of teaching children how to love themselves. We were taught to be always the lesser one – to be meek and humble – to be happy with the crumbs – if that is what we get. There was not such a thing as ‘human rights’ in my time, not to talk about ‘children rights’.

Fortunately I am now in the position to teach two of my grandchildren how to love themselves and others simultaneously and how to accept the fact that they may not always like all the people they have to love.... and, too, so important - to love the bad, you’ve got to ignore him/her for a mere smile may encourage him to practice his badness on you. The latter is the snakes and scorpions in our midst – don’t play with them! Don’t go near them. Thanks Ruby, your comment meant a lot to me.


richtwf profile image

richtwf 5 years ago

Thanks for sharing this interesting hub Martie. Certainly gave me some food for thought. It's easy to get on with people that we like but that really isn't the challenge. The real challenge as you rightly put it, is to be able to work or live with those that we dislike or 'challenge' us - Not easy. It's a matter of having the courage to do what we can, and having the peace of mind knowing that only so much can be done. Reminds me of The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr.

MBTI is very interesting and I happened to come across this ten years ago on an orientation course prior to being sent overseas for my voluntary work. I think I was an INFJ. Certainly an excellent tool for helping to increase self-awareness and identifying appropriate careers.

Great Hub Martie and thanks for sharing your thoughts.

God bless.


Deni Edwards profile image

Deni Edwards 5 years ago from california

Hi, Martie- On Saturday, my husband and I were discussing a mutual friend of ours. One that we consider to be a very close friend, actually. We were discussing how, at times, it is difficult to like this person at all--and we are getting frustrated!

So, it is a little strange that you wrote this when you did. LOL.

Thanks for this interesting piece that you happened to write at the perfect time.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

richtwf – The ideal is to live in peace and harmony with everyone whether we like them or not. People who don’t like each other easily declare war in any form and by doing so they destroy the peace and harmony in the entire family/workplace/region/world. The MBTI is truly an excellent tool people should use to understand and respect each other better. I love the Serenity Prayer of Reinhold Niebuhr - I’m pasting it right here. Thanks!

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

*** Deni Edwards – Sometimes people we like become people we don’t like. There are so many events and happenings that can change us and our friends. Just look how quickly we dislike a person we once like just because he said something unpleasing to us or about us. I just remember a quote of Blaise Pascal: “If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.”

I hope, Deni, this hub and its comments help you and your husband to make a positive decision regarding your friendship with that close friend of yours. Perhaps you merely need an open and honest discussion. It can either strengthen or destroy your friendship – whatever is the best for you will happen... although you may not believe it while it is happening. Take care.


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 5 years ago from Hither and Yonder

Your title intrigued me. Your writing kept me. Can Incompatible personalities live together in harmony? I'm still trying to figure that out. My husband and I are two of the most incompatible people I have ever know. We often do see eye to eye, but it always takes a long time to realize it and i think we nearly kill each other in the process. Oh, but I love him dearly. :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Ivorwen – What a wonderful, uplifting comment from you! I tried in this hub to present love as a verb and not a noun. Analyzing your relationship with your husband from this angle is now quite interesting. What exactly is that strong bond between you? Can you find other words, except love, to describe it? What about writing a hub about this? I will find it extremely interesting. Thanks so much for coming over. I’m going to ponder over your comment for hours :))))


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

Thanks for a thought-provoking hub. There is a thin line between love and hate. It is my problem . . . not his. So, I will continue to exlpore in order to move forward.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...that is why my new profile picture shows above average intelligence - I come over here and read a hub like this - and you always teach me something new and profound - and if that doesn't make you the smartest woman at the Hub - then I will immediately start a new campaign to make it so -


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

“...I’ve tried to understand you... I even assured myself that I do admire your guts and egotism... Call us the living proof of incompatible personalities...." - Gee Martie, I would have considered this a love letter. If I were to get this I would think I was going steady. God bless you dear Martie!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

*** Truckstop Sally – True – How others feel about you is not your problem and how you feel about them is not their problem. It is a personal feeling and it kick-starts our psychological gear work. Soon we can’t even remember what exactly did the other person say or do that aroused that negative feeling, or in the case of ‘like’, that positive feeling in us. Do an experiment on yourself – just see how quickly you decide whether you like or don’t like a person, not because s/he is what s/he is, but because you have a unique interpretation of what is likeable and dislikable. Thanks so much for the visit and comment, Sally. I’ll see you in a while.

*** epigramman – you paralyze me with your charm.... :) I can but only smile... and blush. Of course I’m not the smartest woman around here, but I adore you just because you think I am :))))

*** Micky Dee – Lol! That is but only the first and last sentences. In between I was really nasty... I’m disappointed in myself, I should have ignored him. But oh well, at least I can comfort myself by knowing he is much too much of an egoist to take me serious. Thanks for coming over and making me laugh! Going steady? Hahaha! I’ve heard that phrase quite a long time ago. Are people still doing that? God bless Micky!


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 5 years ago from I'm outta here

Thanks for the feed back and the other resource! My sister is struggling with a long term friend who, well lets say, the soil is not fertile, hmmmm I do hope your understand my meaning and don't feel I've gotten to far off the course of your intended subject. It's a brillant thought! :) Katie


CheyenneAutumn profile image

CheyenneAutumn 5 years ago

Martie - this wonderfuly written hub is another proof of one of the many reasons I am honored to be following you. It is indeed very well written on a subject we may all be aware of within our lives but not so aware of the why of it all.

Thank you for all the effort and intelligence you bring.

Laurie


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 5 years ago from malang-indonesia

Very inspiring poem, Marty. Sorry I am late to know this. We live with the people around the world, with different character, race, culture, etc. That would be great if we can live in peace, living in harmony. I believe the world so beautiful. There's no American, African, Asian, Australian. We all one. Vote up. I give my warm greeting to you and the people in the world.

Blessing and hugs,


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

katiem2 – I believe in love and marriage, or call it a long-term-relationship, but when it arouses in you unhappiness instead of joy and peace, it is not worthy to be in. Only my best wishes to you and your loved-ones.

*** CheyenneAutumn – aww, I’m giving you a big cyber hug – you must know that I too feel honored to have a follower like you and to be your follower at the same time. Applause to the one who coined the term ‘CIRCLE of friends’. In a circle we are all followers and leaders at the very same time. Take care, Laurie. Carpe diem!

*** prasetio30 – I guess if we had peace and harmony, we would have had no reason to live. For what is life but a daily search for peace and joy? Every morning we wake up with the hope that we will return at the end of the day to the comfort zone of sleep with peace and joy in our hearts... Thank you for your warm greetings, my friend, and I’m giving you mine as well. I’ll see you again soon.


Docmo profile image

Docmo 5 years ago from UK

This is brilliant. A great discourse on personality types and incompatibilities and you've punctuated this with personal anecdotes and narratives that make it all the more readable. It also serves as a good introduction to the Myers Brigg's tool. Awesome!


Debby Bruck profile image

Debby Bruck 5 years ago

Hi Marti ~ Each of us holds aspects of all others within. These traits we recognize in ourselves. The nicer characteristics we admit, and the others we may have a difficult time to access. Most people have both extremes of certain dominant characteristics, such as, talkativeness/silence, bravery/cowardly, high/low confidence, materialistic/spiritualistic, etc. These qualities move in cycles or periods of expression depending upon the life circumstances that bring them out in the individual. Therefore, we may easily have this love/hate relationship when either the positive or negative qualities are expressed. Blessings, Debby


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Docmo – Your positive feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!

*** Debby Bruck – I agree wholeheartedly with the logical system you explain so clearly in your comment. Today I do exactly what I’ve disliked in my mother-in-law when I was young, and I can prove your comment correct with many personal examples. I actually considered explaining this in my hub, but I decided not to go this deep. Thanks so much for raising it in the comment section. Perhaps you (or I?) can turn your comment into a hub we can connect to this one of mine? Please let me know what you think about this idea.


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 5 years ago from Philippines

Hello Martie,The keystone cops were a bungling incompetent group of policemen in a series of silent film comedies. This hub is about incompatible personalities. Why they pop into my mind I can only surmise. looking up their definition I found..

incompetent ~ not qualified or suited for a purpose

incompatible ~not suitable to your taste or need,unsuitably matched

Most of the comments above have cover the seriousness of the topic.Allow me to comment on the lighter side :) as I try to explore my funny side which I have recently dug out of the quagmire of emotional depression :)) Maybe that is the problem with most of our personality clashes. We take them too seriously. I can think of only one person...hmm make that two with whom I have been at odds with all my life.....and they dwell within me :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

SilentReed – I love your sentence “... as I try to explore my funny side which I have recently dug out of the quagmire of emotional depression :))”

Actually there is so much humor in our serious actions on normal trend of events, whether the trend is positive or negative – an egg WILL break when it falls on the floor, and the cleaner will cringe when she sees the mess she has to take care of. We will always respond on whatever we face, and our responds are most of the times quite hilarious through the eyes of spectators.

I also love your definitions of incompetent... definitely only for a specific purpose and our specific taste or need. It takes only a shift of perception to make the incompetent competent.

Oh, and I love your last sentence - .... and they dwell in me.... Whenever we meet an image of what already dwells in us, we RESPOND on the whatever dwells in us and not really on the image.

Wow, you’ve given me a lot to think about, SilentReed. You are in fact not a silent reed, but a whistling reed – a kind of flute producing musical wisdom :))) Thanks, and have a great day!


Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 5 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

MartieCoetser

You have wowed a psychotherpist. What a great hub on personalities. On the Myers Briggs I am a total ENFP. You probably guessed that. There are many in my life that I do not like but get along with. It is hard, but I think the older we get, the more we realize how to handle others idiosyncrasies. My mother in law was so much like yours. I just had to laugh when I read that part. To me, it all depends on their intentions. An evil person with no heart, I will not even try to get along with. I will try with those who I see mean well. Bless you and this great hub my friend.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Healing Touch – How marvelous to know I’ve wowed you, my dear friend. I eventually found my file – I was ENFJ in 2000, and now... just done it.... still ENFJ ! Although the scores are not the same as it was in 2000, the end result is still ENFJ. Now this is quite interesting, because I’ve changed in many ways since 2000 – or did I? Perhaps I confuse the gaining of knowledge, wisdom new perceptions and interpretations with personality? Oh, what do I know – you are the fundi. Please do a hub about this :)))

You are right – we have to evaluate the intentions and not necessarily the behavior – but then again, where do we draw the line. There are people (psychopaths) who commit murder with good intentions...

Thanks for the visit, Healing Touch! I’ll see you soon.

PS.: What bothers me - I’ve done an extrovert/introvert test the other day and was classified as slightly more introvert as extrovert, which was quite a surprise because I was an extrovert all my life. There are so many variations on the theme, and 99% of the things we believe in are actually based on theories and presumptions. Even the truth is from a different view a lie.


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

Martie, I have been reading your comments on the hubs of others for such a long time that I decided to check you out, and I am now following you. This is a great hub. You share research and personal experience.

One new (?) thought, probably from Carl Jung in his comments on the Shadow side of us: If we hate a person, we are probably hating a part of our selves.

I look forward to reading more of your hubs and, of course, hope you'll visit some of mine.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

mysterylady 89 – I, too, enjoyed up to now your comments on the hubs of others, and I would’ve become your follower months ago if Time was not my boss. Fortunately Time and I have an agreement – I may promptly follow a hubber who follows me after I’ve stopped to follow one who proved her/himself as dead baggage.

I know Jung’s shadow-side-theory, and yes, I can clearly identify my own characteristics in people I don’t like. Actually, mysterylady, we are all so much the same. Our differences lie in our composures, preferences and ways of conducting ourselves.

Thanks for coming over to read and comment. Expect me in your corner soon.


Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 5 years ago

Funny stuff Martie. Serious too. God bless dear!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Micky, I have no choice but to agree with you. Personally I always laugh at myself while reviewing many of my previous, SERIOUS, reactions on my incompatible personalities and their actions. My stubbornness and cheekiness was/is, indeed, funny. Actually I should just shrug my shoulders – is it really so difficult to allow another person to be just him/herself – perhaps we expect too much of others - if they don’t make a positive contribution to our self-esteem, we call them incompatible. Yes, this issue is a round one – total views equals 360° - in order words it is not like a coin with only two sides. Thanks for coming over! Take care!


KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

KoffeeKlatch Gals 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

Wonderful piece Martie. I was fascinated by the examples of the like-hate relationships of yours. There is a person that I see quite often in my everyday oife that I truly like but can't stand. It seems, as in your examples, that she is sweet and supportive one minutes and the next she becomes the dragon lady and critical. I try to get along with everyone, I do believe the world would be a better place if we could all just get along. Voted up and awesome.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

KoffeeKlatch Gals - Definitely a chemical issue - An open-minded person can easily identify the good as well as the bad traits in himself as well as in in others - most of the time the reason why we can't stand another person is simply not logic. We search for reasons, and of course we'll find plenty, as we would find if we look for the contrary. I think practicing good manners and dive-and-duck-techniques is the only solution to the problem. Thanks for the visit!


Darlene Sabella profile image

Darlene Sabella 5 years ago from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ...

Hello my dear friend, I must say you were a fantastic writer, and great subject matter, I love this hub and we have all been faced with these issus in all forms. You can come along with me and help me to rid myself of a few of those people, that are iffy, if you know what I mean LOL Awesome, brillent and all the above. rate you up up up love & peace darski


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MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Darlene Sabella – my dearest friend, I’m so glad to see you. You are for sure a friend I will always like and love. Perhaps it has something to do with age, but it becomes more and more impossible for me to be polite to people who irritate good manners completely out of me. I’m beginning to recognize my grandmothers in me. They were straight forward... spoke their minds without fear or favor. Oh well, in some situations I am like them since I can remember. But while I am a straight-forward fighter, you get those back-stabbers and guerilla-fighters. They always surprise AND defeat me.


Darlene Sabella profile image

Darlene Sabella 5 years ago from Hello, my name is Toast and Jam, I live in the forest with my dog named Sam ...

Hi Marie once again, I think we would always get along infamously, you and I shoot right from the hip. And write with a fever and a passion to boot. I was married to my twin and soulmate, and I lost it all. Once you have had that in your life, you realize nothing else will do, at least for me. It would be impossible to be around someone day in and day out that was not a good match. I consider myself lucky as many folks have never met that perfect mate. Fantastic topic Marie my dear dear friend. Love & peace darski


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MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa Author

Darski - I'm so on your page with this. You were fortunate - my soulmate and twin was probably killed in some war. I love the 'shoot right from the hip' image. Lol! In that case I am John Wayne with a pistol on each hip.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

...always great to revisit a classic Miss M - so you will see this posted to my Facebook page with a direct link back here - and courtesy of Hub Hoppers - I was able to be thrilled (once again) by your charm, your wit and your intelligence - three good reasons why I'm madly in love with you.

lake erie time 10:24am


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Epigramman, thank you so much for being madly in love with me. I honestly feel honored. You are the best 'emir' in the world, the king of all lovers, keeping all the ladies in your harem happy all the time. This is a marvelous talent you have - convincing each and every lady in your harem that she is the most special one on your list. I am proudly occupying my seat in your heart :))


tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

Excellent work Martie! I think this sort of training should be given to all employees at every work place. Well done!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Tammy, thank you for your comment. I, too, feel 'Human Behavior' should be a subject in school right from the start. This is the biggest gap in our education systems. If one cannot understand his own behavior and that of others, how can s/he excels as a person? Oh, I can rant for hours about this.


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

A great read and thanks for sharing.

Here's to many more to share on here.

Take care

Eddy.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

"Most of the time I didn't like her. But I always loved her."

Martie,

I saw this link in epi's FB page and thought I had missed something current. Well, I DID, as this subject is evergreen...

What a masterful and comprehensive piece, affording me much food for thought, as your work always does! Your wisdom is showing and I love it!

Voted UP & UABI... especially your inclusion of MBTI.

Hugs, mar.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Eiddwen – it is always nice to see you. Here’s to many more visits from you. Enjoy the Christmas season.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

marcoujor – I honestly think the MBTI is the best personality type indicator currently on the market. But also not 100%, as overlapping of characteristics is always a fait accompli. Maria, it is wonderful to know that you and I are compatible – even when we disagree about something, for example about colors such as orange and black, we are still compatible, respecting each other’s likes and dislikes. Together we would be able to move a mountain or two. Thanks for coming over for the read. This hub has made me yesterday’s Hubber of the Day at HubHoppers (a site for hubbers on Facebook), and I was quite thrilled. Hugs from me to you :)))


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Martie,

Congratulations, my friend, on being Hubber of the Day-- that is so cool!

I do very much believe in the power of friendships (any relationship) that can respectfully disagree and still care deeply about the other. You show me that there is room in my world for 'orange', the need to break out at times from my 'basic black mentality'!!

Funny how my MBTI tends to be right down the middle, especially with E/I and T/F. I do thoroughly agree that our scores evolve with our life experience and situation at the time.

Have a lovely day and TTYL. Hugs to you, Maria


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

marcoujor – I was surprise when I did the MBTI 10 years after I’ve done it the first time to find myself, in spite of many life experiences, still a ENFJ ! Although the scores were not the same, the end result was still ENFJ. (With only one point between E/I and T/F.) I tend to believe that our personalities never change. It develops; some of us obtain wisdom and the skills needed to practice our good qualities better and to control our bad qualities better. Others just live on and become better baddies. The bad is us is after all like weed, while the good is like flowers. And you know weed is stronger than flowers.

Maria, I love your opinions! Thanks for sharing them with me.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Martie..you always educate and inspire. This requires such enormous talent. I'm beyond impressed with this hub. I related, from beginning to end....my own personal process is the lazy woman's way. I picture the "Scales of Justice"....(however, my lady removes the BLINDFOLD)...for each individual in my life...I place the petals of love on one side...and the thorns of disdain on the other. After a particular length of time...the scales indicate to me whether the person is a "keeper" or "inadvertantly misplaced"..oops! This keeps Lady Justice in a great mood!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

fpherj48 - Thanks so much for your visit and lovely comment. I believe we make ourselves extremely unhappy when we try to do something with an incompatible personality. Sadly people may me compatible at a certain stage of their lives, but new life experience, changes and knowledge obtained can make them incompatible. Take care and enjoy living and hubbing :)


Alecia Murphy profile image

Alecia Murphy 4 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

I think this is a hub that almost everyone can relate to. I agree some people you can love in spite of not liking them and in my experience it ends up working out as long as you don't let them get to you. And like you said there are some people you cannot contain your discontent for. But in order to keep the peace, I just keep everything in perspective and move forward.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi Alecia, thank you for the best advice - "Don't let them get to you..... in order to keep the peace, just keep everything in perspective and move forward..." Perfect!


mary615 profile image

mary615 4 years ago from Florida

Your article is very interesting and informative. I have a family member that I do not like, but I love her and only want the best for her. I don't enjoy being around her, and I feel really bad about that. She and I are totally opposite in our beliefs and opinions on everything.

I voted this Hub UP, etc. and will share.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa Author

Mary, it is so possible to love someone we don't like and even possible to hate someone we actually like. In your situation with your relative you can but only regard love as a verb. In other words don't do to her what you don't want her to do to you. The positive may me easier: Do to her what you would like her to do to you. Of course, without any expectations. Take care, Mary!


Sanxuary 3 years ago

Psychology claims that there are 4 main personalities and we each normally have two. A primary and a secondary. Each personality has its strengths and weaknesses. Most marry on opposite primary personalities but match on the secondary. Oddly two same personalities invites weakness. Two people personalities for example will talk all day and get nothing done. They tend to be poor planners but they make great public relations people but still it depends on who they are talking to. Maturity allows you to get past personality conflicts by learning your personality weaknesses. A poor planner allows you to make your own plan and if its not there plan they better learn to plan better in the future or live with the results. Explaining this to the poor planner is the key. When it comes to team work having different personalities is actually key to outstanding success if you can get them together. Going on from personalities, you slip into personal profiling and here is where some personalities never mesh. This is where you meet the narcissist and socio paths.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Sanxuary, thank you so much for enhancing my hub with a very interesting and profound comment. If it was not for teamwork, and my ability to rely on the most suitable personality for a specific task, I would have never achieved my goals in the corporate world. Have a wonderful day :)


Sanxuary 3 years ago

People person - Great talker, finds it important what others think of them, not much for having a plan and does not need one.

Numbers Person - Usually needs a plan and makes plans, great at numbers, loves information and detail. Can get unhappy if ignored, unlike a people person who like to be personally thanked, they prefer you comment on the job completed.

Dominate personality - A person who desires to be the leader or a leading member of the task they are given. They have to learn to teach others instead of being bossy and know when to let others roll.

Security Person - the person who never takes sides. Working as a job recruiter you had to find the thing that offered better security or they never got off the fence. A security person on a team provided they will speak out, keeps everyone out of trouble.

In sales, recruiting or team building knowing who is who is removes all chances of buyers remorse.

Next psychology tip is to know your zone and control it by not being a zone violator.

People Zone - Anywhere, anyone has free access.

Social Zone - Taking action in your people zone ( bored guess who's fault that is. (These two zone are safe zones)

Personal Zone - Whenever someone mentions feelings, recognize it and determine if you should join them or ask them to return to the social zone.

Intimate Zone - Sharing the same feelings about something.

Understanding these things prevents a lot of personal conflicts and also helps in resolving them.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Very interesting, Sanxuary. Must admit that I am all of those personalities, depending on the situation and the responsibilities on hand. Why don't you become a writer in HubPages? This kind of information is always interesting and useful - should be shared with everybody and not only with me. Thanks a lot for reminding me of all these indicators. Have a good day :)


JeanaMJeffers3 profile image

JeanaMJeffers3 3 years ago from Indianapolis, IN 46268

I liked the pun of incompatible being highlighted in the faces of the paddles. Nice touch. I laughed at how you chose to deal with some of the irritations. For instance dealing with your Mother in-law and the guy at work. In answer to the question can the two types get along. I would say yes. Why, because I've learned to keep putting up with their imperfections and hopefully they mines. But if they irritate me so much that I can't tolerate them. They make my hi and bye list. No pain no gain.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

JeanaMJeffers3 – It took me many years to practice that ‘no pain no gain’ mantra. When I was younger I wanted everyone to like me, but eventually I realized that I would never be able to please everybody. And so I have changed. Just stay out of the way of those who irritates me and those who find me irritating. So much easier than trying to please. Thanks for reading and commenting, Jeana :)


JeanaMJeffers3 profile image

JeanaMJeffers3 3 years ago from Indianapolis, IN 46268

No problem I feel you girl.

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