Interracial Love or Self Hate

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A question of honesty...

Interracial dating or just self hate?

Let me start this blog by saying that I think when two people of any race, gender, or ethnic group can find love with one another there is nothing more beautiful on this earth. The links between two people that can last a lifetime are magnificent. In no way shape of form am I against interracial relationships; however there is something deep within some blacks (men and women) who enter into such unions I find extremely disturbing.

These are hopefully the minority of this group however loud they seem to yell. These blacks seem to be driven by what can only be described as a case of self-hate. They like to blog about how their choice in mates are far more superior to those in their own race. Strangely enough, you will rarely hear them talk up the race of their choice; instead they prefer to focus on the negatives within their race. Most of their rhetoric is contrived from what seems to be the media portrayal of black life.

The Black Man

Black men will spend countless hours writing about black women who are loud, obnoxious, and greedy. The gold digger who wants nothing more than his money, she is ill mannered, confused, and lacks any level of compassion.

The Black Woman

Black women take a different approach towards black men. To them black men are lazy, uneducated, unmotivated criminals. All black men want to sit on their couch and play video games all day while they work to pay the bills. They stay in jail or like to spend quality time sleeping with other black men (down low).

These people I have identified as race chasers. They hate who they are and feel that by dating or marrying someone who is white they are thus released from the curse of blackness. I say white because you will notice that 99% of these blacks are married or in a relationship with whites. Thus it is their duty to denounce that which is bad, that which they have boldly left behind. They speak ill of the black race as though this somehow lifts them out of black status into a status acceptable to whites. They are willing to denounce any person of color in order to cleanse themselves from the curse of blackness. They did not find happiness with a white person, they are happy because their mate is white.

As a black man, I can say that very few (some) but very few black people meet the above stereotypes. This is why I must pause wonder about the agenda of blacks who's motivation for choosing another race is the so called failings of their own race. Is this person seeking love or are they simply chasing the white race?

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Comments 45 comments

posey profile image

posey 6 years ago

I have always wondered about this. It seems that this is unique to blacks and you rarely see it with other races. I have never seen a Asian, Hispanic, or for that matter White anti self blog. Something to give thought.

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

Posey - you are correct,the act of self hate seems to be exclusively black. I have come to the conclusion that some of us try so hard to fit into white culture that feel the need to prove ones self by degrading other blacks. Based on their way of thinking neither black men nor black women are fit to partner with anyone. Silly yes!

pmccray profile image

pmccray 6 years ago from Utah

Very interesting point of view, which I feel is dead on. Most black males of means, in the past, seem to seek out whites to marry. Here of late it seems that self loathing has abated (a little). I think the generalities shown in your piece are an excuse for those of low self esteem to make their choice more palatable. Great hub

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

I agree, while most (I hope) have found positive and beneficial relationships outside of their race I still have a problem with those who seem to have an insatiable desire to destroy their race in words.

AEvans profile image

AEvans 6 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

My husband does not in anyway denounce nor talk negatively about his own race he is a very educated and proud black man who just happens to be married to an opinionated , educated white woman which is me. lololo We have been together 15 years and we share each others culture, when we met, love did not have any color but the world certainly seemed to think differently. We both have been called 'race traders' which is absolutely ridiculous! Both sides can be negative but if you plant seeds and turn it into a positive the World seems to become a better place. :)

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

AEvans - You and your husband are what I would call a couple, instead of a interacial couple. It sounds like the two of you have found something very special. As I said in my blog, I truly think and hope that those blacks who tend to talk negatively about their own race are minorities within minorities.

AEvans profile image

AEvans 6 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

SOBF: I hope that both side are minorities within minorities it is so sad when some of the women and men percieve in there relationships percieve themseelves as trophies and I have seen and heard that by a few. My husband stays away from anyone that is so negative and will not have anything to do with them. We both believe that it is not the color of one's skin, but who they are as a person, if only the rest of our Country would see it in the same light we would all find happiness, but we know that it is going to take years for that to happen. :(

poetlorraine 6 years ago

i am thinking about the question at the end. Brilliantly written hub

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

Thank you poetlorraine

Coolmon2009 profile image

Coolmon2009 6 years ago from Texas, USA

Something to think about interesting hub.

Ralph Deeds profile image

Ralph Deeds 6 years ago

What you are saying is becoming less and less common as more and more people are getting past race in their personal relationships.

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

Ralph I have to disagree with you on this point. Within the black community it has become somewhat of a fad to paint a negative image of others within the race in order to make yourself seem special or unique.

TonieTate profile image

TonieTate 6 years ago from Metro-Atlanta

SOBF, I believe that it has a lot to do with self-hate and how society has betrayed black as being loathsome. I myself find black people to be the most beautiful people of all of God's creation! Peace and Blessings

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

Tonie - Thanks for your comment. Black pride seems to be a thing of the past to some. It is sad that they fail to realize they can love someone of another race while maintaining pride and respect for their own.

lisadpreston profile image

lisadpreston 6 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

I think that finally, people have been given permission to love who they want to love. I remember a time in the late 60's and 70's when I had to constantly defend my choices, my mothers choices and even my own children. I have been thru hell over this. I am just thankful that I can love who I want to now without being chased, beaten up, etc. I don't think I could love a man that would denounce who he really is, after all, who he really is is what I fell in love with. Great Hub!

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

lisadpreston - Thank you for the comment it is right on point. The question that baffles me is that since we are able to freely be with any person we want, why put down others in order to justify your individual choice.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my writings.

Miss Info profile image

Miss Info 6 years ago from New York City

interesting concept... check out my hub on the topic

S Leretseh profile image

S Leretseh 6 years ago

The plight of the black family today is a catastrophic enigma.

-- More than half of black male and female adultslive separately

--only about 1/3 of black children in urban America will grow up in a two-parent household

--70% on ave.but as high as 80% in some urban areas, black children are born illegitimate (up from 22% in 1960 - a crisis back then).

No other racial or ethnic group anywhere on planet earth today, or in human history, boast these family statistics.

I found the Moynihan Report (1965) to be very insightful. Nobody listened.

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

S Leretseh

Was this something you just had to get off you chest or does this in someway have something to do with this hub? Would you like to offer an opinion as to why this situation exist?

Socialblu 6 years ago


I think you missed some stuff.

Black men are now saying Black women don't know how to treat a man, and have forgotten how to be women, hence why they will date everything but, and black women are saying black men don't know how to appreciate their beauty (the irony of this statement... don't want to get off subject though), so they only date... The blogging about the other folks gives them away. When you spend more time talking about those you aren't dating, as opposed to just being in your relationship then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

On another note, I do know of other minorities who behave in this manner. I have never encountered them on the net, only face to face. The self hate is there, it just manifests in different forums.

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author


Thanks for stopping by and adding your insight.

S Leretseh profile image

S Leretseh 6 years ago

S Leretseh

"Was this something you just had to get off you chest or does this in someway have something to do with this hub? Would you like to offer an opinion as to why this situation exist?"


My opinion is in my - just completed - Hub#3: Industrialization & Urbanization. You may not like it, but it is what it is. Sorry I took so long to answer you.

Making Peace 6 years ago

Seeing ppl in love is a beautiful thing. I enjoy seeing it. Observing hate, especially self hate in any person, feels like a fresh gash in my heart, my soul. I have noticed that self hate does exists with other minorities, it just manifests differently... sometimes. Sometimes it's still in the same, sad packages. But in any country/culture that has been colonized by Europeans, even after they are long gone or have learned to peacefully coexist, you'll unfortunately find women who pick apart and despise their own features in lieu of more anglo features. Whether it be the texture of hair, facial features, body shape (not size, but shape) skin color... You'll also find men and women who'll ask "why is he or she dating out of the race?" Seeing this disease in other ethnicities has been the seed sewn that has made me recognize my own self hate which started as a child... and undertake the process of self healing and love. Mind you, children may be silent, but very impressionable and pick up on subtle nuances of self hate within their own race that adults miss and may not ever label as such. It often parades as the norm or "just the way things are". The wounds are deep and must heal from the inside first, or you just end up with keloids.

Marlene 6 years ago

Very interesting article written from the black perspective. What about the white female's view? As a black woman, I find that white females are very insecure in the presence of a confident, self-appreciating black woman. I believe that as they date and marry our black men, they smile, not because they are happy and have found love but because they continue to say, "I have taken your privileges, your jobs, your status, and your men. I am desirable, beautiful and you are not, even your men think so." White women who date our black men are conditioned to believe that they are better than we are and unfortunately, some black women support the same belief by wanting to look like them and be like them. I don't believe that love is color blind, it's not just about two people, it's systemic and affects the collective, it is self-hate that is rooted in shame.

N.E. Wright profile image

N.E. Wright 6 years ago from Bronx, NY

Wow, wow, wow.

This I will not read to my son. LOL.

Wow, I agree with this Hub!!!

I wish people would feel good about themselves dating outside their race without bashing those inside their own race.

Unfortunately -- as one of your other commentors pointed out -- other races do the same thing to those in their own race when they are dating white people. Sad, but true.

Race chasers. Wow, I love that term.

I am sharing this Hub on my FaceBook page.

SOBF profile image

SOBF 6 years ago from New York, NY Author

N.E. Wright

Thanks for reading...

tzaddik21 5 years ago

Good Hub! This self hate problem is prevalent in some parts of Chicago. I know I'm constantly discriminated against for being a dark skin woman, by men of my own race with the same darkness of skin color. They make comments about the color of my skin being too dark and when i say to them they are just as dark skin as i am they say no their lighter.

tzaddik21 5 years ago

I kind of agree with Marlene, love is not color blind. I think we are, as a society made to believe that certain features are beautiful (European) while others are not (african). as a result the odds are stacked against black women.

Rastamermaid profile image

Rastamermaid 5 years ago from Universe

Awesome hub,great topic!

In today's society there are many mixes of races,you can't go hating on yourself.

I really feel that the more the world is becoming intergated with different mixes it's hard to say who is from where.

My faternal grandmother is creole,french irish and black.My paternal grandmother is black and caucasian.So I'm a mix of all that and I love all of me.

I love who loves me and treats me with love and respect,that's the bottom line.

Thanks for sharing!

SOBF profile image

SOBF 5 years ago from New York, NY Author

Rastamermaid thanks for sharing but most importantly thanks for understanding the post. I believe that love is and should be color blind, for we are all cut from the same gene.

iwtutt 5 years ago

why should love be color blind? color is beautiful. the only way you don't see color, is if you are blind. i am a black woman, and i can see you mean well, but i think you post is lopsided. i think interracial relationships for black men and black women have different meanings. i think most black women enter interracial relationships as a reaction (unfortunately, not saying they don't like their white or whatever partner) to black men dating other racial women on such a large scale. black men enter interracial relationships b/c they want other women, and they admire other races features over their own. so essentially black women can stay loveless, or motherless or they can date interracial. let me tell you it NOT an easy choice b/c black women are proud, simply put. the simple truth is the black women want the black race to exist as god made it, with truly "nappy" hair and such. The black race everything to loose. we have struggled for so long, and no other race of women (not a single one of them) suffered with the black man other than the black woman and for black men all of a sudden to be color blind is a stab in the heart. i think the truth is many black women are emotionally paralyzed by the recent happenings. the times when you hear black women bad mouth black men will only be in defensive situations, b/c black women can not hate black men. black women sentiments are simply love extremely frustrated. i don't think anything is wrong per say with ir but, the magnitude of which it is existing in the west, especially with black men, to me has far deeper motives. i get sick when i hear black men complain about eygpt, when what happened there is essentially what is happening here. i don't think you can have black pride and produce in another man's image. i think black women i slowly, but surely waking up to the fact that there is nothing they can do, and therefore going on with their live (dating ir, example). b/c it is only in god's hands. i think god will punish black men for destroying what he has so beautifully created. I don't think you are not stupid SOBF, you have to be aware of the ratio of black women to black men in ir relationships. it is a wide divide, and that is telling. i would wright on and on about this. i actually think the ir couples who are truly in love are a minority. if it is other wise the racism that the black partner shares toward his or herself (particularly blackmen) is also shared by the non-black partner.

iwtutt 5 years ago

i will never blame a white woman or any other race of women for taking a black man. black men know exactly what they are doing, and what they want and they go for it. i think black women need to let reality settle. and when i speak about black men i obviously don't mean all blackmen, so no rebuttals to this. the black woman has no value to the black man. she has carried his burden for him, now that he is where is wants to go, she is baggage. so to black women i say, detach yourself from the black community b/c it is poisonous to you and seeks to erase your image. the black man will breed out the black race and turn around and call them black. and stupid black women will willingly embrace these happenings in their community by labeling it diversity. the so called black pride is temporary and reactionary, is is short lived. ppl with true pride NEVER stop fighting. men with pride don't plant their seeds in foreign land. they protect the womb from which was there life source. if love is so colorblind, they you can fall in love with your own color without even knowing it, so maybe colorblindness is selective.

pelt545 profile image

pelt545 4 years ago from Hampton Roads, VA

I am black and I do agree that some but not all black people are loudmouthed, negative, and so on.

But, I am not going to say that I want to be with a white woman just so I can escape from my own race.

I would like to find an attractive black woman like Halle Berry, Rihanna, Annie Ilonzeh from Charlie's Angels, or even Oprah Winfrey.

SOBF profile image

SOBF 4 years ago from New York, NY Author

pelt545 - Thanks for the comment but I must point out that the stereotype that you have accepted as a truth can only be applied to a minority of the black female population. I spend most of my days in the company of black women who are strong, intelligent, educated, and have extremely high standards, while my encounters with those that you describe are normally limited to my visits to Walmart, where the white women are also loud and negative.

MsShona profile image

MsShona 4 years ago

Maybe this works in regards to flings or short term relationships. But if you are basing your desire to be with someone upon the shortcomings of their cultural opposite, then how can it last?

On the other hand, it is perfectly fine to admire the traits in qualities in someone, which are a product of their culture or race. My BF is White, and has always been more attracted to Black women. His reasons are a combination of physical and cultural admiration. It does not stem from him hating White women.

I on the other hand date men from all types of racial and cultural backgrounds. First and foremost, it is important to me that they respect me and my lifestyle. Fetishism is not respect; and yes there is a difference between a fetish and an attraction. :-)

liquidlyfe 4 years ago

Hmmmm... I came across this trying to find some critical thinking stuff to teach my child. I want to suggest an awesome book for those who are interested in the healing of the highly melanated nation, (the so called

black female and male) It's called "The United Independent Compensatory Code/System" by Neely Fuller. It talks about these and many more issues within the black collective group. It explains why we,( black males and females), are separating and have been for a number of years. I believe once we admit as a whole group of mis-educated, damaged, hurt people (though, not by choice), that the self hate poison is in us, as well as the tendency to follow a certain code that was meant for our deprivation as a whole people, we will begin the love healing process. Indigents, doctors, institutionally educated, right over to the working class must realize we are being dupped into thinking that we have made these problems for ourselves. The black male sees nothing but white women everywhere he goes as a thing of beauty, intelligence, and every other virtue you can think of. Black women, the opposite, starting with his mother who has aided in his hatred because of her own self and counter partner hatred .

My question here is when was there ever a time when we truly loved, cared for, and respected one another? I am a 30 year old black woman raised in a single parent household along with my two brothers. We never knew love from our father, the black man. Both brothers gave up on gaining self sustanance and independence and believed in the white supremest agenda. One is in prison, the other co-habitating with a white female who is taking care of him and putting him through school. Both wanting to erase the pain and hurt from not feeling accepted, or lacking that male energy love so many of us need to complete the family unit. One looked for it in the streets(rap music, guns,gangs, drugs, violence, abuse, all filtered in the community by white supremacy.)The other looked for it in the white woman that he was used to being comforted by.(The counselor at the public school, the public school teacher, nurse, doctor, and pretty much every other leadership role he didn't view his mother had. Their support system is now white supremacy. I just can’t see why we point the fingers at ourselves and fail to realize that this emotion, this hatred for one another was not apart of us from womb. This was taught. Why are we still bashing each other? Wake the hell up people!!

I believe this subject is so delicate because we are a delicate people who have allowed ourselves to believe that we need white people for love, affection, support, power, wealth, spirituality, ("jesus"), and pretty much everything else we were born with. Then we judge each other and talk about who is the most miserable, black male or female!! What? Bottom line, any black person who dates outside their race and procreates outside there race, is a supporter of genocide, white supremacy, and the destruction of black, high melanated people.

Pat 4 years ago

liquidlyfe - Some blacks are rejected by other blacks because they are racially mixed. Their numbers are growing. How are such people suppose to respond to this propaganda? Not all black people look black, so how are they suppose to feel about black genocide?

Just know that time moves forward, not backwards. Racial mixing is becoming more common, and I'm seeing more white men with black women. It's something beyond our control.

jashary15 4 years ago

Based on the above blogs, there seems to be a growing consensus that many of today's young-and not-so-young blacks are caught up in a feeling a renewed self-hatred. No, self-hatred among African Americans is not new, these negative perceptions existed both in our parent's and grandparent's day. For a time, in the 1960s/1970s, there was a renewed sense of black pride and self-esteem that continued well into the 1990s, then the Black Community started going backwards again.

Now, there has been a growing trend of African Americans almost exclusively getting married to white persons. The reasons that some blacks have given for this has been shocking to both blacks and even some whites alike, but it seems to indicate the same consistent pattern of thinking: That today's blacks have lost a great sense of racial self-esteem and self-love.

Today, you often see blacks and whites in romantic situations, especially in the media, doing things that would have been shocking or caused an outrage a half-century ago or even a quarter-century ago. Yet, many of the same blacks-more or less-seem to have serious relationship problems when it comes to dealing with their own people as racial equals.

As one blog pointed out, the media has played a powerful role in creating this thinking. Blacks in the media are portrayed as being able to get along and function with everyone else of other races and ethnicities, (especially Whites), but when it comes to getting along with other fellow blacks, whether of the opposite or same sex, then a very strange thing begins to happen: They don't seem to like each other, even though they hardly know one another.

Whether many of today's blacks chooses to marry whites, whether for the above reason or for some other reason is a choice that entirely left up to them; some may feel that this is a statement indicating that the Black Race and White Race are finally learning how to live with one another. But as the late Malcolm X put it in 1963, "In order to have some black and white harmony, we've got to have some black harmony." Let such blacks keep that in mind.

truth101 4 years ago

Black men do hate black women and worship Caucasian women. The try to hide themselves and sneak to take out white women to the fanciest restaurants while they abandon black women. Black women adore black men but black men are the epitome of disloyal. Black men hate natural black hair, dark brown skin, non white-fearures Africa and themselves. Many black men are inbittered from getting rejected by that "long haired thick redbone " chick who has every man and his daddy barking up her tree. Any man who tries to debunk me is delusional or just an outlier.

B-Dawg 4 years ago

It is the other way around. Many white women are chasing black men because they want their children to get way from the curse of being white. White people are despised because of their history. This is one way for them to get off the hook. It is apart of the race change movement. White babies are not made under this plan. Others try to tan themselves out of whiteness. I am biracial Dad black Mom white. I was angry when I was a kid and I asked my mom why couldn't I be white that are priveldged? and she said no you do not want to be white do you want to be hated for something you had nothing to do with? Do you know how many enemies whites have? 20 years later I see what she was taliking about. I see my black skin for what it truly is protection. A shield. Just because other people don't see it doesn't mean that I don't see it. If a black person and a white person has a baby that baby is considered black. So who do you think is really trying to escape their race. That is my take peace.

B-Dawg 4 years ago

White women are choosing to breed with black men so their kids will have pigmentation in their skin. Black skin is a shield. It is good for protection. People are beginning to realize this and are trying to tan their skin black. The race change movement is on the way white faces will turn black. peace.

my_girl_sara profile image

my_girl_sara 3 years ago from Georgia

Interesting and brave blog--this is a sensitive topic, I believe. With our nation still so concerned with what racial box we check, I think interracial procreation is selfish. These children are eternally stuck between two groups, never knowing which one to identify with. Until we stop pigeon-holing people into race categories, this will continue to be a problem. It's easier on everyone if you marry into your own race, religion, and socioeconomic group. Opposites might attract but they don't last.

Voted up.

SOBF profile image

SOBF 3 years ago from New York, NY Author

You may be addressing the chicken / egg theory. The answer may be that biracial children may turnout to be the key to a move towards a nonracial society. Most biracial friends that I have identify themselves as just that, biracial. They may socially identify with one group more than another, mainly because of the upbringing but I really don't know any that deny one over the other. If you consider the theory of race is a made up concept the thought that we she all stick to our own doesn't really make much since. Greek were once considered Black but over time became white, so what do they do? Should they return to their racially identifiable black roots or shift with popular belief. Or are you suggesting that we should all live in a micro-society were Greeks only marry Greeks, Italians only marry Italians, and Jamaicans only marry Jamaicans. How deep should we go with this theory? Should rich Greek Othrodox Jews who live in the 90210 zip code only marry likewise.

my_girl_sara profile image

my_girl_sara 3 years ago from Georgia

Because our society still places way too much emphasis on race, I do believe the orthodox Jews should only marry one another. We should marry within our religion. I think we should do away with the race box that's on EVERY FORM. Until then, I think it will continue to be a hidden challenge for these children. They don't know any different but inside, it has to be confusing.

Thanks for the great dialogue. Those of us in the ATL have to stick together!

visitor 2 years ago

This article seems to be very accurate, in every way but 1.

I live in a Multi-Racial city where i hear black men say They only sleep with White Women. And Hears The difference i Hear White Women Say The Same Thing. It Seems The Combination Of media Stereo Types, and Broken Homes In The Black And White Communities have Lead To Self Hatred On Both Sides. Its Sad To See Interracial relationships To Be Founded Upon, self Ignorance And And A Hatred For Ones Parents

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