Israel vs. Iran
Hey, dude: where's the war?
Television viewers are impatient. They can hardly be blamed. They have been all but promised a saturated bombing of Iran for over ten years now. Thus far nothing has happened. They have witnessed a devastating Tsunami, seen the lash of Hurricane Katrina, an urban earthquake, ugly clips from the Iraqi and Afghanistan wars, and the riots in California. But when is Tehran going to be bombed? Netanyahu has been talking around this topic since forever. He waited patiently for the presidential election to finish and our daily bickering to die down and now what? Nothing. The Iranians are busily at work on nuclear technology and, at the same time, threaten Israel. Is the writing on the wall or what? Well, it's complicated. But so many of us have flatscreens. Let's get it on.
God-fearing people, like the Simpsons, whom we secretly admire and emulate, are right where they need to be, on the couch in front of the set. Television anchors have mastered journalistic skills. They will perform with superb theatricality: "Sad news today for Cincinnati. Or maybe Louisville." The point being that if Jihadists poison the water, or whatever, then we'll do something to them. That's how it works. Constant flows of righteous retaliatory measures.
And imagine the carnage! Certainly, television fans will salivate over graphic close-ups of Iranians burning to death, going blind, losing their minds, and parts of their anatomy. They are apt to cry, yell, and paralyzed by grief, collapse. Similar simulated box-office emoting has whetted television appetites for some time now. How about turning the television screen into a bloodletting canvas that never sleeps? Sound good? One can say, television is violent, people watch television, therefore people are violent, too. But this syllogism won't catch fire. The religious will hit pay dirt, however. Won't they? See how terrible is the wrath of God! If there are any stragglers now, think of the massive conversions after Armageddon gets going. Come on down! The New Testament versus the Koran. A resurgence in Old Testament bloodlust! No more crises in religion if militants, terrorists, or let's be honest, everybody over there, burn to a crisp. Bibles'll fly off the shelves.
The only drawback, as I see it, is what to munch on while our homes turn into Coliseums. My feeling is that the potato chip cannot be beat. It has certainly taken a drubbing these last few decades. But it has come through as salty and fatty as ever. For soda pop, I prefer coca cola. It has sugar and caffeine. But we shall see only when the fireworks begin. Lots of laughs, I know. If the Middle East escalates in terms of warfare, what will actually happen? It is not going to be anything like the above scenario, that's for sure.
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