My First Ever "Hub Of Shame" or Shames . . .whatever fits

"It" happens to all men . . .

even Spider-Man. And do I really need to explain the "it"? Just look at the expression on the girl's frustrated face.
even Spider-Man. And do I really need to explain the "it"? Just look at the expression on the girl's frustrated face.

Do you love shame? Humiliation? Hard-core embarrassment?

No. Not if you are a normal person. No one actually "loves" these areas that cause us so much pain and personal shame. Now really. Even the most-devout circus clown in his off-time cannot stand "that" middle-aged woman in the check-out line in the grocery store whose voice is so shrill it could open cans of Starkist tuna shriek, "you are that clown I watched last night with my grand babies at the circus. Funny. You don't look funny with clothes on!" And with that one loud, embarrassing public remark, you look for a hole to crawl into to wait for this "fan" to go home.

Don't worry, "Bozo," we've all been there.

In situations where we had rather face death than to say, "excuse me. I didn't know that my pants were unzipped," or "sorry for spilling my chicken and dumplings on your lap, ma'am." But it happens. Sometimes often. Sometimes not for a long period of time. And I know how to explain my last statement. You see it's a "game of survival," between "life" and us. Sometimes "life" lulls us into such complacency that our judgement gets glazed-over with stupidity thinking we have survived our last blunder, verbal error or public humiliation. "Life" is clever, my friends. And if you take my advice, you should never under-estimate "life" when you are competing in the "game of survival."


An example of under-estimating "life." This guy started with one, harmless sip of whiskey. He ended up finishing-off two fifths of Jack Daniels black label and three six-packs of Bud and found himself waking up in the park.
An example of under-estimating "life." This guy started with one, harmless sip of whiskey. He ended up finishing-off two fifths of Jack Daniels black label and three six-packs of Bud and found himself waking up in the park.

Well, I suppose "I" had better "pay the piper"

with my own stories of total-embarrassment. Humiliation. And overall-shame that I brought to myself and my family who endured these degrading episodes with me. I am not proud of these tales of sorrow and shame that I am going to tell you now. In fact, if it weren't for you thinking that I was a "coward," I would write about a pet dog I once had. Maybe the time I shot a poisonous snake apart with my grandpa's shotgun. But all in all, I think I will feel much better by verbally-purging myself of these hideous burdens that I have carried around for years. Yes, it's time to "come clean" with you, my treasured followers and share with you . . .

A Few Of The Shameful Happenings That Have Been a Part of My Life


When you visit your Proctologist, you are at his mercy. With that one rubber glove, he can bring waves of red-hot embarrassment on you with his four words: "Turn left and cough."
When you visit your Proctologist, you are at his mercy. With that one rubber glove, he can bring waves of red-hot embarrassment on you with his four words: "Turn left and cough."

There was this one time in a Fred's Dollar Store where I happened to run-upon an old friend of mine that I had not seen since high school. We recognized each other right away. We shook hands and started to recall some old high school memories that gave us both a huge belly-laugh. And then I had to go and share a dark secret about a girl, we will call her, "June," who had hated me to such a degree that she glared a hole in me each time we would meet in the halls. And she never told me why she hated me. So I ask my old buddy, in these terms, "Say, remember that 'battle axe,' 'June'? What a pain in the neck! I wanted to kick her butt for how she treated me in school. What ever happened to the "devil's sister"? My buddy's face turned to stone. And he replied, "She's my wife." And left without as much as a good-bye or fare well.

Then there was this time where I worked in our local newspaper and a mischievous co-worker told me that the customer walking to our front door was hard of hearing, so I really had to speak-up so he could hear me. I waited for the elderly man to enter our lobby door. He walked in. Pulled his hat off. Then I kicked my vocal chords into high-gear. "Hey, sir! How are you doing?" He looked stunned. Almost frightened. "Uh, fine," he finally said. "What can we do for you toooo--ddaay?" I almost screamed at him. "Uh, I want to subscribe. How much do I pay?" he asked not looking into my eyes. "Six dollars and forty-two cents, sir!" I yelled and could have passed for a male cheerleader yelling for UCLA. He gave me his check. I gave him his receipt and said as he left, "THHHANNNK YOOOU," and then my coworkers who had all gathered out of sight in another office burst into laughter at how gullible I had been. The old man was a friend of our "mischievous" co-worker. And had perfect hearing. I never saw the old man again.

One time at a funeral I was trying my best to keep my voice down and explain to a friend why I was late to their club meeting that I was supposed to cover for the newspaper where I was employed. It was very humiliating when I forgot, even for a moment, that I was inside a funeral home, and when the funeral songs were being played, I said, "hey, buddy. I will drop-dead before I cover your club's meeting again if you talk to me that way," and of course, we were friends and just cutting-up, but those around me looked at me in angry scorn. Just me. Not my buddy. It took me a few months to "live that down."



EMBARRASSING MOMENTS THAT NEVER HAPPENED TO ME

WETTING MY OVERALLS.
WETTING MY OVERALLS.
BELCHING OUTLOUD AND MAKING GIRLS AROUND ME COVER THEIR MOUTHS. AND NOSES TOO.
BELCHING OUTLOUD AND MAKING GIRLS AROUND ME COVER THEIR MOUTHS. AND NOSES TOO.
NEVER, DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME, BUT I WAGER SOME OF YOU LADIES CAN RELATE TO THIS HUMILIATING EVENT.
NEVER, DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME, BUT I WAGER SOME OF YOU LADIES CAN RELATE TO THIS HUMILIATING EVENT.
BEING KISSED BY A GIRL AND ME MAKING A FACE LIKE A SCARED TURTLE.
BEING KISSED BY A GIRL AND ME MAKING A FACE LIKE A SCARED TURTLE.
SCRATCHING MY RUMP AND NOT KNOWING THE CAMERA WAS ON ME.
SCRATCHING MY RUMP AND NOT KNOWING THE CAMERA WAS ON ME.
BEING TOO SHORT FOR MY DATES.
BEING TOO SHORT FOR MY DATES.

And Now, Even More Shame and Embarrassment

Once in a big meeting in my company at the newspaper the main boss, our publisher got up to talk about how he had invested so much money into new equipment for us to use to get the paper to press. He just started talking by saying, "Well, I tell you. I have spent a grand total of . . ." and then out of the blue, I got seriously-choked on a sip of hot coffee and began coughing loudly that I caused a commotion among the packed room of newspaper employees. Everyone pointed at me and laughed their heads off. The publisher's face turned a tomato-red. He didn't laugh at all. And to make things worse. He wasn't known for his sense of humor.

Someone thought it hilarious to stand behind a storage closet door and throw a bucket of cold water on me as I was sent (by a practical-joking editor) to look for an ad we had run months ago. The accessory-joker did what he was told. He hosed me down with a bucket of water and he, along with my practical-joker editor stood and hee-hawed at me. Oh yes, most of the office staff were let-in on the joke and they helped my joker editor laugh until they cried. Eventually, I laughed too. As I drove home to change into some dry clothing.

One time on a trip with my brother-in-law to South Carolina to deliver some mobile home parts to his boss. We were doing great on time coming back through Atlanta on our way back home when we ran out of gas. And no gas in the reserve tank on his truck. He suggested that I stay with his truck while he hitch-hiked to the nearest gas station to get enough gasoline to get us to where he could fill-up to get us home. Suddenly a Georgia State Trooper pulled over to talk to me when Tim, my brother-in-law had just caught a ride to get the gasoline. "You with this truck?" he asked. Very politely. "Ohh, you bet, sir. My brother-in-law, Tim, just caught a ride to get us some gasoline so we could fill-up and go home, " I replied. And that would have been fine, but I just had to add this to my explanation: "And Tim said before he left for me to guard his RADAR DETECTOR on his dash with my life for it was very-expensive." The trooper looked amazed that I was so dumb as to share that last bit of information. He smiled. Got into his car and I noticed him shaking his head as he drove away. Tim, upon his return with the needed-gasoline, laughed and was equally-amazed at my lack of judgement when he said, "You actually told the trooper about this radar detector?" Then he laughed. All the way back to Alabama.

One time while I was walking down a sidewalk in my hometown, I noticed a girl that I went to high school with driving her new Oldsmobile through town. She had the driver's side window down. I guess to allow her long, naturally-blond hair to blow in the wind. "Hey, doll!" I yelled. She slowed up and smiled. Then, as if it had been scripted, I ran head-on into a parking meter and almost fell to the sidewalk as passersby mumbled something about me and kept walking. The blond also laughed. And drove off. Everyone laughed. But me.


Asleep in church . . .

I've been guilty of this one lots of times.
I've been guilty of this one lots of times.

More by this Author


Comments 30 comments

Josak profile image

Josak 4 years ago from variable

That was great, we all have those moments when we just wish we could turn invisible, my worst was having a friendly chat with the guy next to me in the bus and then realizing he had been talking to someone on the phone the whole time and I had just been replying to everything he said to his wife/girlfriend, I only realized that something was up when he called me darling. Voted up and funny.


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

Lol..brave of you to share these 'moments' with us! I'd have never known this about you had you decided to write a nice doggy 'tale' (lol..get it? tale?..sigh) Aaanyway - since i just wrote a hub about gymnastics - i'll share: At a big competition, i did an amazing floor routine - standing O stuff - and, as i ran off the floor? I ran directly into a wall! Ba-ang! The clapping stopped dead...omg..I've also jumped off a stage after another routine, caught my foot, and landed flat on my face - putting my (ex) two front teeth thru my lip! Feel better now? lol


DFiduccia profile image

DFiduccia 4 years ago from Las Vegas

Hello Kenneth,

Thanks for sharing these moments of shame with us. I’m sure I have a list that will outdo yours, but I prefer to keep my bad moments as distant from my mind as possible. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this, and I respect your ability to poke fun at yourself.

DF

voted up


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Very funny hub. One thing I learned a long time ago was to never ask a woman when she was due to have the baby or if she knew if it was a girl or boy. There are too many women who look pregnant, who AREN'T, to risk that question I have found out! We've all had these embarrassing experiences and, like you, we have to laugh at them! Believe me, I have a lot of them to laugh at!


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 4 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

I'm still smiling...haven't we all had a few of these...my favorite........the radar detector! Funny hub.


HikeGuy profile image

HikeGuy 4 years ago from Northern California Coast

Kenneth -- Thanks for the chuckles. Great pics for this -- you've had some stellar moments of shame, but hey, at least you never wet your overalls or got your skirt hung up in back...

Now I know to never work with a bunch of practical jokers. One more reason I'm happy to be self-employed!


tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

Oh.. this is so much fun! I can just imagine you hitting square into the parking meter. None of us are exempt from embarrassment. When I was in high school I was in Indoor Color Guard. During a competion, the gym was packed. Our group rehearsed on the stage while everyone was setting up. We did some dance moves that required us to bend down and stand back up. I did this and didn't realize I stepped on my skirt tails. When I stood up I mooned the entire gymnasium.. including my very proud parents who were in the audience. Thanks so much for the belly laughs. I always look forward to what you do next. :)


dmop profile image

dmop 4 years ago from Cambridge City, IN

We have each had our moments for sure some more than others. It seems that certain people are just prone to finding themselves in these kinds of situations, while others escape them more often than not. Great article, voted up and funny.


Juliek958 profile image

Juliek958 4 years ago from Norman, Oklahoma

That was brilliant. I really enjoyed it.


Natashalh profile image

Natashalh 4 years ago from Hawaii

A very funny, well-told narrative! I'm glad I came across it. Voted up and funny!


rahul0324 profile image

rahul0324 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

No offence sir! But you have given us a very funny one here! LOL! Brave of you to come out and share stuff like that... and also very sweet of you!

I myself have been ashamed sometimes of the positions I have faced.

Once I was punished in front of my whole school for keeping long hair.. A pony was made and I stood in the assembly plaza all day!

On my first encounter with the metro.. I got into the ladies compartment and was feeling lucky all the time as there were only girls around me until a staff pushed me away and I became a joke...

Great hub sir..!!

Regards :)

Rahul


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

"Well, I tell you. I have spent a grand total of . . ." and then out of the blue, I got seriously-choked on a sip of hot coffee and began coughing loudly that I caused a commotion among the packed room of newspaper employees.

I laughed so hard my son came in to see if I was OK. Sooooooooo funny!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Josak,

that had to be tough. Finding out that this guy was talking to his wife/girlfriend. In my view, I think he KNEW you were talking to him and he was being talked to by two people at once. Ive experienced similar things to this in big crowds. See a friend and yell at them and they motion for me to come over and itw as someone behind me that they were motioning to. That would explain the shock on their faces.

And me squirming off into the darkness.

But we survive. And live.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, dear ImKarn,

that hurt me to read your comments. I am totally-sorry for your hard knocks. On my first day of school, 1st grade, 1st time to play a game of baseball, 1st time to play catcher, the 1st pitch threw to the batter, he got all of it and let the bat go flying and the big end hit me square on the forehead--swelled as I lay on the cold ground watching the yellow and blue stars overhead.

That was it. NO more baseball for me.

I still carry the knot on my head.

Not a fun memory either. But we are still rocking!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DFiduccia . . .that's cool, man! I just had a burning desire to share some painful moments of my life. Oh, don't be fooled. There are more. Many more. But I will keep them to myself.

Thanks for the comment, buddy. YOU have an easy day!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DEAREST catgypsy . . .Amen. This one in your comment has to be THE #1 mistake, verbal blunder made my men such as myself. And it's one, when made, is hard to apologize your way out of. And tough to live down. Believe me. I know.

Thanks so much, catgypsy, for your sweet comments.

Have a Great Day!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, picklesandrufus . . .thank you so very much for your comment. The radar detector. Yep. Still make me cringe with embarrassment. But funny NOW.

Have a wonderful day!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, HikeGuy,

I hear you. I worked with ONE practical joker. He was my managing editor at the local paper in Hamilton, Alabama, where I worked for 23 years. Tammyswallow knows him indirectly . . .(Tammy, remember me telling you about Les Walters?) He was a super-freak of practial jokers. And no one could ever get him back!

And in 2012, he's still running the paper and joking as good as ever.

I don't blame you for being self-employed. A wise move.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Tammy, where have you been? I have been wondering about you? Have you been doing more song hubs? I enjoyed, thoroughly, YOUR comment on the dance moves. Girl, you have a lot of courage. To be the victim of this misstep and still hold your head up. You have my admiration. And notice, I DID NOT use the word "but," at all???? I do have SOME class.

Thanks for stopping by.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Greetings, Juliek,

thank you, from the heart, for your sweet words. I appreciate it so much for something I did to make people happy. Now I don't feel so useless.

Have a happy day, Julie!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, dmop,

thank you so much for your comments. That's why we are all human. But I don't want to be a human who takes himself too seriously because God can use clowns to accomplish His will.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, and nice to meet you, Natasha! Thank you for taking time to read and comment on this hub. I wont forget your kindness.

I invite you to check out more of my hubs that I guarantee will make you smile. And then become one of my followers so I can keep up with you!

Have a blessed day!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Rahul,

sounds to me like you had similar experiences as I did. But with the ladies. Right?

Thank you for your warm remarks. And compliments. You are a sensitive soul, Rahul and you just keep on being humble and good things will happen to you.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Well . . .Well . . .Well, my good friend, Shea . . .and what have you been doing lately? I guess having a life. Unlike yours truly. LOL. This coffee incident was probably the closest I ever came to getting terminated from the paper of all the mistakes I ever made. The main boss was red with anger!

Im sorry that you laughed so hard your kids had to see if you were okay . . .hold it. No, Im not. Im glad that I made YOU happy and able to laugh!

I think Im ready to hit the road and be a "Doctor's Waiting Room Entertainer," what to you think, shea?

Come back soon! Please?

Kenneth


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

NO, you should write a book... let's all think of a good title!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Shea. Ive thought of doing a book, but I wouldn't know where to start. If you like, you could help me. And we could split the profits 50/50. How about it?

Have a great day, MY GOOD FRIEND!

Kenneth


Connie Smith profile image

Connie Smith 4 years ago from Tampa Bay, Florida

You are always good for a fun read and a laugh. Thanks for sharing, Kenneth.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Connie . . .a Sincere Thank YOU for your kind remarks. I appreciate YOU so much. If I only make ONE person laugh, then I can sleep at night knowing that my life on earth was, and is not a complete bust.

Kenneth


Connie Smith profile image

Connie Smith 4 years ago from Tampa Bay, Florida

You don't have to worry about that, Kenneth. You're a hoot!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Connie, Thank YOU kindly. God bless you for being a truly special friend and follower. And that is my sensitive side coming out.

Kenneth

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