My Personal "Barrel List"

I'd love to ride a pig

a nice pig. Not a biting pig, before I leave this life.
a nice pig. Not a biting pig, before I leave this life.

More things I would love to do before I meet the "Grim Reaper."

Be a best-selling author like J.D. Salinger.
Be a best-selling author like J.D. Salinger.
Take a nap in my van in the busiest part of mainland China.
Take a nap in my van in the busiest part of mainland China.
Date Ann-Margaret.
Date Ann-Margaret.
Eat the world's biggest ice cream cone.
Eat the world's biggest ice cream cone.
Interview Bob Keeshan, aka, Capt. Kangaroo.
Interview Bob Keeshan, aka, Capt. Kangaroo.
Just talk to Vincent van Gogh.
Just talk to Vincent van Gogh.
Own a Rolls Royce.
Own a Rolls Royce.
Play guitar like Eric Clapton.
Play guitar like Eric Clapton.
Sing like Bobby Darin.
Sing like Bobby Darin.
"Streak" (of course with my clothes ON) with these ladies in New York City during a daytime "rush hour."
"Streak" (of course with my clothes ON) with these ladies in New York City during a daytime "rush hour."

Film legends, Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, scored a lot of money and good, solid laughs in a movie they did in 2007 called, "The Bucket List."

The film deals with both men being terminally-ill with lung cancer and after they meet in the same hospital, become fast-friends, and decide they have a number of things they both want to do before they "kick the bucket list." This was one of their finest works. When the film debuted it grossed 173.3 million dollars.

Okay, that was Hollywood where most anything and everything can and will if you are rich enough to hire the best writers, special effects man, George Lucas, the best director, Stephen Speilberg and throw in an Oscar-winning actor like George Clooney. Then surround him with a supporting cast made up of the "who's who" of acting such as--Robert Duvall; Tom Cruise; Randy Quaid; Steve Carell and maybe Robin Williams and Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Goldie Hawn and you got yourself a mega-billion-dollar movie in your hands.

What I am talking about here is real life. No spotlights. Awards. Applause or limo's to ride to and fro from my luxurious hotel in downtown Los Angeles to the MGM movie lot so I can shoot that day's scenes. And retire back to my suite for some ice-cold champagne and jumbo shrimp.

Real life doesn't work that way for an average guy like me. All I have to get my point across is my DELL PC, HubPages and my follower's list who fully-understand who and what I am. That in itself is a slice of peace that is priceless.

And speaking as a regular man, I have prepared a list of 50 things I would love to do before I "kick-off," and pass from this state of life into the hereafter a fulfilled and satisfied man. Simple plan for a simple man.

I call this piece "My Personal Barrel List" for I don't want to be sued for plagairism.

Just for fun, you might compile your own list of things you would love to do "on this side" of eternity and see what you come up with.

But for now. Sit back, read, and enjoy.

1.) Date Ann-Margaret, one of the sexiest females to ever appear in film.

2.) Sing like Bobby Darin, for I sure can't sing as myself.

3.) Spend the day interviewing Bob "Capt. Kangaroo" Keeshan and know what it's like to be near an icon who touched millions of children's lives.

4.) Play guitar like Eric Clapton and have him call me from the audience in a concert at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis to play his super-hit, "Cross roads," with him in front of 120,000 people.

5.) Be a well-known, best-selling author like J.D. Salinger who penned "A Catcher in The Rye."

6.) Sleep in some deserted wooded area with the squirrels.

7.) Eat myself into a "sugar coma," with the world's largest ice cream cone.

8.) Own my own Starbucks so I could stay there as long as I wanted meeting my customers, buying their coffee, and drinking myself a cup or three before the morning is gone.

9.) Go streaking in broad-open daylight in the busiest section of New York City.

10.) Ride a hog just for the mere reason that I have never rode a hog before.

11.) Nap in the business district of China. In my own vehicle. People would pass by and whisper, "Isn't that Ken Avery, famous author and best-selling author of, "Hangin' With HubPages," that stayed for 20 weeks on the New York Times Best Selling List?

12.) Walk up to a total stranger in Los Angeles and scream, "you were right!" and run away.

13.) Get aboard a passenger train, AmTrack will do, and act like "I" am taking up tickets.

14.) Own a Rolls Royce and let all of my followers on HubPages drive it on their vacation.

15.) Be understood for whom I am and not for what I can "do" for people.

16.) Buy all of my Hub followers a two-story home furnished with the best furniture money can buy.

17.) Appear on CBS Morning Show and when the camera hits me, say, "I really don't care if you watch this show or not!"

18.) Go to a New York Yankees game and yell for the St. Louis Cardinals just to see how long it will take angry Yankee fans to curse me out and make me leave.

19.) Hitch-hike from Alabama to Nashville, Tennessee.

20.) Sing "my" songs in an out-of-the-way coffee house. Be discovered by Travis Tritt and sign a lucrative record deal with MGM.

21.) Buy my own personalized BMW with "my" color, tan, as in leather and Cragar rims and a Kenwood sound system that would break windows on Music Row for it being so loud.

22.) While in Nashville, I want to have dinner with Taylor Swift and her pay for it.

23.) After leaving "Music City," I want to get involved with the boys from Spring Cup Racing--Kyle Bush, Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Carl Edwards and Jimmie Johnson. Yeah, make some points with these "high rollers." Maybe Johnson will let me be in his next Home Depot ad.

24.) I want to yell for my favorite college team: The Alabama Crimson Tide, but yell from the top of Lady Liberty with a bullhorn and all news crews available to cover it. I might even sing there if people will listen.

25.) Visit Detroit, Michigan and hang out with the "old school" blues musicians.

26.) Visit the Great Lakes and have my tour boat stop on the exact spot where the Edmund Fitzgerald sank. Then have five-minutes of silence to honor these mariners for giving their lives to the sea.

27.) Learn to para-sail down in Key West, Florida.

28.) Be a stow-away on a luxury cruise ship. And see just how long I can keep the game going. What a huge news story this will make for Fox News; CNN, and major networks. God knows they all need a story that will take our minds off of politics.

29.) Visit Afghanistan with a barbecue crew from the Food Network manned with Sears super-grills and cook steaks, burgers, franks and corn-on-the-cob for our troops who are sacrificing their lives for us.

30.) Meet the commander of the land forces in Afghanistan and say, "Sir, why don't you let the "rest" of our troops come home?"

31.) Visit President Obama for an entire day at the White House, all in a casual atmosphere. And interview a Secret Service agent and find out what they will tell me about being an important part of any president's administration.

32.) Meet Country Music legend, Toby Keith and see if he would write a song for MY FOLLOWERS on HubPages.

33.) Sneak into the San Diego Zoo disguised as Big Foot and scare the zoo employees that night as they feed the animals.

34.) Set a new land-speed record for number of cups of coffee drank by one adult man in any Hardee's restaurant in the mid-south area.

35.) Become part of a major wrestling alliance such as the Vince McMahon's WWE and let those guys train me to fall the right way when I bet beaten up. But I will fool them and "really" fight using real blows to the face and body turning what was to be a simple, 10-minute time limit fall with Cain, the seven-foot monster wrestler whom kids love beat me easily, but now, the tables are turned. "He" is scared not as much of me, but what he is supposed to do now that I have control of the match.

36.) Build a log cabin and live for one year in the Colorado hills.

37.) Build my own radio station in those Colorado hills and play "real" Rock and Roll music--the Stones; Steppenwolf; Jefferson Airplane; Z.Z. Top; Rod Stewart and more. And sell .30-second spots for $20.00 each. I get so rich I need to sell my station to someone I can trust.

38.) I sell my station to my best buddy in Hamilton, Alabama, Donnie Clayton and now "his" dream is fulfilled of that of owning his own radio station and be the lead DJ.

39.) Be the emcee at the next Miss America Contest.

40.) Secure a meeting with Jerry Seinfield, the most-narcissistic man on earth and simply talk about "me" during this interview. I would have secret camera's taping this and sell this tape to a America's Funniest Home Videos for thousands. What fun I would have.

41.) Sit in the dug-out of the next New York Yankees game and run out from time to time to stir up their fans into applauding.

42.) Own a pet store somewhere in Harlem, New York.

43.) Be a hobo and catch a freight train heading out of Chicago down to Kentucky and I would get to sleep in the box car with the hay on the floor and eight cranky cattle. This stuff would make a fantastic book.

44.) Visit Radio City Music Hall in New York City and tell the custodian that I am ready for him to take me to my dressing room so I can prepare for the 8 p.m. performance. "Uhh, sir, you are not on my list," "Mr. Huddstucker," the security guard says. "Not on the list? What am I going to do now?" I say in anger. "I can call my supervisor and see what he says," "Huddstucker" says as he leaves to find a phone. Then I hide somewhere the numerous hiding places in Radio City Music Hall and you guessed it. I will be the next "Phantom of The Opera."

45.) Learn to fly a leer jet. Blindfolded.

46.) Meet Papa John, the "pizza guru," and appear with him in his ads.

47.) Stand on a street corner in Los Angeles disguised as Bill Clinton and see how many people stop to ask what I am doing there.

48.) Float down the Tennessee River on a specially-designed log raft that is equipped with coolers of food, water, and candy to munch on. I might, if I make it, be the next Huck Finn and someone will write about me and I get 45% of the royalties and retire into seclusion and live in the hill country of Tennessee.

49.) Learn to make moonshine the old-fashioned way and also be like the early "shine runners," and have my own "moonshine races," at night in my specially-designed BMW, but I will not tell the police or ATF boys which night I'm head to town with a load of moonshine. That would not be fair. Then a movie is made about me and I give my part of the profits to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital in Memphis.

and I saved the "toughest" one for last . . .

50.) Learn how to cook cornbread.

Don't worry, friends. I feel pretty "alive" right now.

Why did I write this right now? I was raised to not "wait until the last minute."



Owning my own Starbucks

would help me to be fulfilled before I go to the hereafter.
would help me to be fulfilled before I go to the hereafter.

More by this Author


Comments 25 comments

anusujith profile image

anusujith 4 years ago from Nilambur, Kerala, India

Wow what a topic!!! I just read your profile... You are the only person to write this... May god help you to cover all these... My prayers...


TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 4 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

LOL! I think everyone should have goals. You have some pretty lofty ones. I hope you get them all! :) Even the almost impossible ones. As my dad used to say, "If yer gonna dream, dream big!" Voted up and more.


tsmog profile image

tsmog 4 years ago from Escondido, CA

Hello and good morning to all. Them there words written here require great praise, indeed. I challenge one & all to read and see if they can comprise a list as that seen above, way up yonder, I hear the Air Force. I will share I will have to decipher a bit more latter.

I seem to have read something about a wake up call. I'm giggling, wondering, just how many cups of coffee or were it at Starbucks and one them Americana or in Spanish, Americano cups fulls that helped this along. Or, from the secret menu a Green Eye, I like that better - Think Green . . .

Awesome hub, Avery . . .

AFC

tim


writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

Good luck with most of your bucket list.

Vote up useful and interesting.

Have a great weekend, Joyce.


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

We've already kind of done number 46! HA!! We met Papa John at a country music fair that was held during CMA week here in Las Vegas. He was at his Pizza booth signing autographs. We did NOT get to be in any commercials though! :) My husband DID get a free t-shirt that says "Papa's In The House"! You best get going NOW if you're gonna try to do all this! :) Voted up and very funny!

P.S. I want to HEAR that Toby Keith song!! Have a great weekend! :) Thanks for the SMILES!!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Funny, Kenneth, but some very nice ones in there too. About that streaking naked in NY...uh, you're not planning that on our trip, are you? haha


tamron profile image

tamron 4 years ago

It sounds like you got a lot of living to do! Very interesting list. The question is what have you done on the list so far?


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 4 years ago from California

LOL, Your funny. I would love to see you interview Bob Keeshan. He died a few years ago. Did you know he was a war hero.

Mr Rogers was a Navy Seal In Vietnam.


tamron profile image

tamron 4 years ago

I had no clue! I never have kept up with famous people. I guess it would be hard to do if they are dead. Well just think you got plenty more on the list. I couldn't even imagine writing the list much less actually doing whats on the list.


Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

Jo_Goldsmith11 4 years ago

this was such a delight to read. I voted up and shared. It is funny,

I was raised the same way not to wait for the last minute. Great hub here.

I look forward to reading more of your work. take care


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

anusujith, thanks, kind sir, for your well wish for me to get this list done. I may not get it all finished, but doing the list is a start.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

TToombs08 --thank you for your supportive words. I had a teacher in high school who advised us to do the same thing. Dream big. He also said, "Be the best in life. Minister or burglar. There isnt room for anyone who only wants to be in second place." What a teacher. I miss him.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

hi, tsmog, another entertaining comment. I loved it. And thank you so much. I got a money-making idea for ya: Freelance your talents to hubbers who want to comment on other hubbers works. You could make a fortune. Right?

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, writer20,

thank you for your confidence and wish. I hope to do some of this stuff before I leave this life, but if I don't, meeting YOU and all of my followers on HubPages is reward enough for 58 years on earth.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Kathy H., shucks! I wanted to see YOU in the next Papa John's ad and for you to send me via UPS a few large pepperoni pizza's for Father's Day which is now gone, but send them anyway with an autographed tee if you dont mind. Toby says that he will be glad to let you hear his song, but you have to come to Hamilton, Alabama, where I live.

The title of this song is: "Do You Believe in Kenneth Avery's Humorous Comments?"

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear catgypsy, LOL, certainly not. I wouldnt dare do that after all of the hard "work" we've done. And streaking with clothes on is not stylish. What about streaking barefoot? May set a new trend, huh?

Kenneth and Festus


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, tamron - - -:) well to be honest, I have had a few cups of Starbucks; watched a few Miss America contests and threw rocks at pigs when I was 11, other than that, I am just getting prepared to finish my list.

Thank you for your words.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, tirelesstraveler . . .you have blown my mind! Keeshan was a war hero???? Rogers a Navy Seal??? You are serious? Never in MY wildest imaginations did I conceive that could be true. Of course the late Mike Ross, the PBS "tree" painter was a Vietnam hero, I hear. Thats why he spoke so softly as to appreciate life. I guess. Rogers a Navy Seal. Ive heard it all today, June 19, 2012.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Jo Goldsmith, thank you, dear friend, for your comments and votes. I love how your comment spoke to me. I am too guilty of procrastination, but this list of mine needs to be done. Im not getting any younger. Hey, why dont you become my follower? That way I can keep up with your works.

Kenneth


eagle eye 4 years ago

Just a quick note, from one in disguise, tsmog some do know. I got confused, some one stole my halo it seems. The place of imagery, snapping shots of my brain they did today, well, they all said they had not laughed like that is sometime. (wink) I know cryptic. My comment in reply on the being mixed a bit is did you say right or write. I need my glasses lol

AFC

tim


KathyH profile image

KathyH 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

I'll have to work on those here! I'm thinkin' the pizzas might not arrive in very good condition, I'll have to send you a virtual pizza instead! ;) Thanks for the SMILES!!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Eagle eye,

love your comment style. You would be a lyricist for a reunion of the band, Foreigner. Honestly, I mean that. No wonder you are so talented. I appreciate your time, talent and creativity.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, Kathy H.,

"Yummmmm," this was great!" Thanks a million. The "cyber pizza" hit the spot. Oh, pardon me while I leave the "cyber table," for a "cyber burp." LOL! And you're most-welcome, anytime, for the smiles. My pleasure, dear Kathy!

Kenneth


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

Wow..that's quite a 'list' - whatever you want to call it! That could take lifetimes to complete - and i sure hope you do! lol..Sounds like a blast - want a sidekick?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, ImKarn . . .well, thank you for that sweet offer of being a sidekick. I cant pay anything but an adventure that you can write a best-selling book about and be interviewed by Steve Kroff on CBS' 60 Minutes. How about that?

Thank you, seriously, for your comment.

Kenneth

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