On The Edge Of Madness

Somewhere on the edge of madness is reason. Christal Luna
Somewhere on the edge of madness is reason. Christal Luna | Source

Last Thoughts

Death comes close, slowly, quietly and with her dark promises of no more pain, no more loneliness, no more just trying to hold on. She wraps me in her long dark cloak of darkness, coolness surrounds me and the feeling of emptiness begins to lift. I float effortlessy in the void of nothingness she offers. The darkness is heavier now and I embrace it, just wanting the suffering and pain to be over. I reach out, answering her call...do I dare go further, I sink deeper in her tight embrace...Do I let go? Do I dare take the final step...into oblivion, into nothingness, into what I used to be, into the point of no return?

Christal Luna

June 1st, 2011

Death Throes

These past few months have weighed heavily on me. I have spent for the most part being depressed or angry. Angry at everyone and everything aroung me. Hell's wrath unleashed on all, no where to run, no where to hide. These feelings are hauntingly familiar, I have been here before. The last time was right before my breakdown. My husband, my dreams, my world, my hopes and dreams, shattered. Never to be the same again. No one to talk to, nowhere to go, who would understand. i am trapped with no way out.

"who do you run to when it all falls down, whos gonna pick you up off of the ground"? My favorite song yet I can't remember who sings it. HEART? I'm not sure, but it plays over and over in my mind. I feel numb, empty, and hurt. The worst of these feelings is not wanting to exist anymore. It eats at you like acid on your insides. Over and over the thought plays...no button to fast-forward, or erase...just PLAY, over and over again. Will it ever stop. PLEASE JUST STOP!!

I have spent the past almost year in this state. I am tired, exhausted and do nothing but sleep, but even in this state my mind never stops. I spend all my waking time thinking about yesterday, yester-year or my whole life...it all comes down to nothing, it all adds up to nothing. I feel I am with all my accomplishments...NOTHING.

This is what is referred to as the depressive phase of bipolar illiness, It is usually not so bad for me as I tend to stay more up than down. it usually occurs in the winter months when it is dreary, dark and cold, but can occur at any time without warning. It feels like almost winning a marathon then suddenly before the finish line you get hit in the head by a sledgehammer. Mine seems to be caused by the weather and by life circumstances, I have lost 6 familiy members in 8 months, 13 in less than a year, the last my baby sister of 36 years died of lung cancer that spread to her brain. My sister was the only one of 14 children that did not smoke.

Being disabled, alone and suffering from mental illness is hard enough, but the stima that occurs with it is enough to make anyone want to just give up. During these past 8-to 10 months i first tried looking for a job...nothing panned out. though I hold 3 college degrees and have excellent references, at the drug screen it always ends. The reason being that even though by federal law I am not required to disclose my mental illness, many of the 18 medications I take are schedule two narcotics which will show on a drug panel, thus requiring an explanation. The explanation is not well recieved in most cases....we are still interviewing, we will call you is the common response. Days, weeks pass no call. During this time bills and obligations accumulate. Even though I made 63,000.00 ayear as cross country truck driver, 28,0000 a year as an officer and much more as a bilingual paralegal-interpreter, I draw a a sad amount of $536.00 a month on social security disability from which I pay a medicare premium of 97.00 a month and $3.25 for each of the 18 medications. What do I have left to send him? How do I pay my bills? This is my reward for paying into a system that i thought would be around to help me out when I was old or, in my case became disabled early. my physician can't figure it out. He keeps upping the dose of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. I keep falling further and further down. I find pleasure in nothing, except my saturday phone calls and his letters. i can't find the energy to even write my articles except a few pieces of broken poetry, which I humbly offer up to my readers. They are kind and compassionate. My score has not fallen below 90, I try to smile, I can't. The promise of nothingness and no pain seem all too inviting in this dark, uncaring world where I now sub-exist.

Most persons are unable to understand a state of depression that is so crippling that you can't even get out of bed, comb your hair, or eat. This lasts for months on end. Sleep, not feeling and darkness are the only relief. It's not a bad day or week...it's a bad eternity, where nothing matters...and worse, I no longer care. I reach the point where months have passed that I have not written a single word and have been unable to think enough to answer and keep up with my comments. I lie here lo0st in the oblivion and the reminders of things that once made my life worth living. I have suffered from bipolar disorder since a very young age, I am told. it wasn't much recognized in my first suicide attempts at age 15, then again at age 27. It was a secret that my family kept well hidden...it would later be revealed that my mother as well as two of my sibilings suffered from it. I can not blame them , who wants to be known of as crazy. Even though some of the worlds most gifted artists, writers, and musicians as well as many other well known celeberties have now come forward...the stigma still remains. It is scary to realize in times of lucidity that death is een as a relief to my dying eyes. Even more scary is the fact that at least 75% of those with this illness, which I have lovingly come to call "my monster" will die by their own hand, by taking their own life, by suicide.

Salvation

After being diagnosed, it took me two years to accept the diagnosis, it would take 5 more to learn how to overcome it and realize that I am ill, I am not the illness. I became a mental health peer, a mental health counselor, and now a mental health advocate. I am also a counselor for the mentally ill with special needs, such as those incarcerated. It is perhaps my highest accomplishment.

It has been I realize around 10 months that I am this way. I wake up at 3pm and see the sunshine, I drag myself out of bed and sit outside for 4-5 hours. I read my old hubs..I have new followers. I read the comments and for the first time in a long time I smile. I pull gently from the arms of lady darkness. I'm not ready to go yet, it's not my time. Maybe another day...another episode. It's summer and I watch my son of 9 playing and laughing. I suddenly realize it's summer, bright and sunny. I get up and go inside, call my crisis counselor and while I wait write for her write this hub. Thank you for making it worth while. I know now that somewhere on the edge of madness there is reason if I can focus long enough to see it.

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Comments 7 comments

monche56 profile image

monche56 2 years ago from Lagos, Nigeria

TE MO "tiny dancer" siempre


monche 4 years ago

Te ame, te amo y gte a are..from the beggining of time till the end of eternidad.


heart4theword profile image

heart4theword 5 years ago from hub

Christal, My heart so grieves for you, and the pain you are going through. They say money doesn't buy happiness, yet I tend to think it can sure help. I remember a time I was where you are at, and one day...I came to the understanding I wasn't just depressed, I was being oppressed. This was a huge awakening for me, it was then, I was able to pull the boot straps up, get some help in other areas of my life to break the bondage I was in. With God's help, bringing special people into my life, (who recognized too the real problems, I was faced with each day)...the chains were broken, and I found a new freedom! Praying for you, that you will find your way out, to get the freedom and peace you need:) Many hugs to you Christal! XXXXXXXXXXXXXX


Erin LeFey profile image

Erin LeFey 5 years ago from Maryland

Hi Chris, I am Always Exploring's friend. Its so great that you are able to write about all of your feelings and experiences, and the dark in such detail. I also have bipolar and I use the hub pages for the same things sometimes although I have trouble publishing some of my darkest writings on here for fear that no one but someone in my shoes would understand. I takes a strong person to be as honest as you are and to keep going day after day with this illness, I know first hand. All the medication only does so much, the rest is in your attitude and will to live. I also have a disability and spend far too much time in my head. My counselor tells me that keeping on a regular schedule helps as does exercise and being out in the fresh air. So that's what I've been trying to do, as much as I can with my disability. I welcome you to take a look at my pages and email me if you ever want to chat. Brightest Blessings. Erin

Wonderful hub by the way, I related to every word!


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

Chris, I'm so sorry that you are still suffering. I wish there was something i could say to you that would help. As i've told you before, bipolar is in my family, a Sister and a neice. Sometimes i wonder if medications only mask the deep emotional problems. In no way, am i an expert, although i've been an RN for many years. I have a friend who is a hubber, that also suffers with bipolar. I will contact her for you, hopefully she can encourage you. Take care.

God Bless you.


Honorablewoman profile image

Honorablewoman 5 years ago from Georgia

I have family members the suffer with the same, because they are young black men , I fear that one day an officer that doesn't understand that they are sick will hurt them, worst kill them, out of fear. I believe in God and that there is nothing to hard for him to cure, so I pray for them all of the time. Today I pray for you. Love you with the love of Jesus. When you get a chance meditate on God, and see a vision of your self covered in the blood of Jesus. His blood has the power to cure all and protect all. God be with you!


Harvey Stelman profile image

Harvey Stelman 5 years ago from Illinois

Chris, I don't mean to say I have the, but I am working with a cousin that is bipolar. I am NOT certified or degreed in any form of Psychology.

My niece that is doing her doctorate at The Adler School of Psychology told me something she had recently learned at the school, it was so familiar to me. She said the theory was first published in the mid 90's.

I told her I came up with this theory in 1967 in Psych. 101, at Oklahoma Univ. My prof laughed at me, he laughed at all my theories. Others have become mainstream.

It is so simple, and hs never failed anyone I've taught it to. All you need is a large mirror. You simply ask questions or make statements outloud, while looking in the mirror. Ex: I am a terrible person! Your facial expression will tell you if you believe it. Don't ever try to make any expression, you can only hurt yourself by lying. You can do this many times a day.

Sorry I don't know what to say about money. I am on SS Disability, but was formally a business owner. My wife also has a good position. I have always said, it is terrible to be handicapped. I can't imagine not having money on top of that.

I once told you I have a friend running for the U.S. Senate from Teas in 2012. Write to him at gregsenate2012@gmail.com Your predicament is something he may jump into. You can mention my name.

I wish you all luck possible, H

P.S. Let me know what happens.

P.P.S. Ask me anything about the mirror.

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