Palin's Army

Source

Boxing with Ideologues...

I viewed my chances of winning at a little less then equal going into the bout. Maybe I had about a 42-percent chance of taking home the purse? Fact is, I didn't know. I’m not really good with percentages.

While I’m not out of shape, by any means, I’m certainly not in shape, either. Forty-seven years old, smoker, lover of cheese, enthusiastic returner of cheese’s affection…Christ, what was I thinking? I actually just typed “enthusiastic returner of cheese’s affection??”

Clearly, he had me rattled.

Still…from the picture…the guy looks old. From his stories…he was doing shit…jobs, family, all that crap from like before Sputnik got launched. What if he keels-over right there on the mat? I would feel bad. I would win…but I would feel bad. What the hell? What If I keel-over right there on the mat? It’s not like 47-years-old is young. A lot of non-cheese loving 47-year olds die each year…I mean I don’t have hard and fast numbers, but I should think that it stands to reason. Also, I hadn't really been training. Pushing images of what, had suddenly become my imminent cheese-related death, from my mind; I resolved to keep my eye on the prize, my finger on the pulse, my feet on the move, and my head in the game. A small piece of smoked brie would settle my nerves…NO! …Sharpe cheddar…

The hot lights burned brightly down on the 24-square-feet of stretched canvas. Leaning against the ropes…I sought to moderate my breathing and clear my throat. Cheese is a phlegmatic mistress. I tossed back the last of my Mountain Dew, moved my neck back and forth all boxer-like, and imagined the crowd hiding beyond the bright lights. I gave a nod to my trainer…Liberal rage…Liberal rage nodded back…

Grabbing up my 8-ounce Everlasts, I slipped them on my hands, pulled away from the ropes and did a quick dance…a taste of my footwork. I looked good…I’m not going to lie…5’ 10”, 185 lbs, 24-inch reach to the keyboard. I was in blue shorts, red Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops…my opponent…not really sure…his profile picture is kind of hard to tell…but like I said…he looked old. Ghost32.

Source

ROUND 1—FIGHT (Ding, Ding)

I moved to the center of the ring entitled, “Sarah Palin vs. The Palin Haters: Why the Gaffes Don’t Matter.” Ghost32 appeared content to hug the right side of the ring. I assumed the classic boxer stance…gleaned from my many viewings of Bruce Willis’ character in Pulp Fiction…I managed a series of jabs that failed to land as Ghost32 danced across the ring dismissively.

My feet moving rhythmically to Al Green’s “Love and Happiness,” which, happened to be running through my mind…(Damn Quentin Tarantino’s cool soundtrack choices!)…I moved in, hands held high…I managed to land a particularly snarky comment that got his attention. Pleased with myself I skittered along the peripherals of the ring.

Ghost32 marshaled his strength and moved towards me. With a flurry of blows, he detailed Governor Palin’s reason’s for leaving the governorship before the end of her term. He had me against the ropes with the suggestion that I purchase her book, Going Rogue, for a fuller understanding of her rational. I was casting about in desperation for the spit bucket…in case I felt the need to vomit…when the round ended.

(Ding, Ding)

Removing myself to my corner, Liberal rage handed me a Mountain Dew, and a wrapped cheese stick that did me no good with my boxing gloves on. I simply held it while Liberal rage poured water over my head, smeared Vaseline on the abrasions on my cheek, and kept up an ongoing monologue in my ear…

“…remember what I said kid...go for the body…go for the body! He’s a Tea partier…there is nothing in the head…go for the body…you gotta get his hands down! And what the hell…are you dancing to Al Green out there?? Pick up the pace kid…go for the body!”

I wasn’t so sure. There was something in that head…if only stubborn obstinacy.

ROUND 2—FIGHT (Ding, Ding)

I moved back to my accustomed place…the center, while Ghost32 clung steadfastly to the right. In a series of well formulated paragraphs detailing the need for the social safety net, the dangerous avarice of corporations, and the reasoned need for careful compromise…I worked his body as directed.

Each punch was informed with the common-sense of Andrew Jackson, the wisdom of Abraham Lincoln, and the earnest practicality exhibited by, both, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan. I was truly impressive. My gloves were weighted with the informed spirit of the great muck-raking traditions of Ida Tarbell and Lincoln Steffens. It was all to no avail, however.

Like a pile-driver from the right, Ghost32’s, detailed response came in the form of an eighty-paragraph answer, in which, he moved through each of my points like the Nazi juggernaut carving through Poland. Due to an unfortunate generality on my part, I was put immediately on the defensive. As I was scrambling backwards, explaining that I didn’t actually want to expropriate the wealth of the corner mom and pop grocery store, I blew out a flip-flop and fell to the canvas. Landing on my back, the air was forced from my lungs and my internal CD player switched to Jimmy Buffet’s Margarita-ville….

As I made it to my knees I knew I was not going to win this one. Worse, I could tell that he was only toying with me. In the time it took me to complete my meager five paragraph rebuttal…he had posted seven other comments on various hubs, published six hubs on a variety of subjects and…for all I knew…probably built a barn somewhere. Crap.

(Ding, Ding)

Back in my corner I was a mess. The left side of my face was swelled, a tooth was loose, and my left eye was closing. I jammed my toe when I blew out my flip-flop and I think I squished the cheese stick I had put in my pocket.

“I’m throwing in the towel kid,” Liberal rage said kindly, “you’re whipped.”

“No," I croaked. "I’m gonna go the last round…”

“Are you kidding me?? He’s ripping you apart with arcane Sarah Palin trivia?! Christ…I thought he was going to start on how she saved the Town of Wasilla through her prudent negotiations with the parking meter-maids! With dates and times of meetings no less!”

“Right?” I allowed, “And he types like the wind! I have to go the last round…maybe I can get a decision…all I need is for him to do is concede that a dialogue is possible…common ground can be found??”

“No.You are done.” I grabbed his hand as it reached for the (throwing-in) towel…

“Cut this eye open so I can see,” I snarled, “Find me another flip-flop so I can dance, and don’t you DARE throw that towel in!” I glared through my one good eye.

Source

ROUND 3—FIGHT (Ding, Ding)

In truth, my brave bravado was forced, feigned and faked. It was with trepidation that I reached out with my gloved hand and hit the “read more” button. Out rolled his answer, making the Unabomber’s testament appear a post-it-note by comparison in length. I eagerly scrolled down to find signs of a victory by decision...

(As I looked, Ghost 32 publishes two more hubs. Sigh…)

The blow, when it came, was unexpected. I don’t know why it was unexpected…I mean really…did you see what happened in round 2? It came in the form of a seventy-two word comment…

“I realize you're sincere about seeing Sarah Palin as divisive. One thing I haven't stated: I believe we NEED to be divisive in this country when we have core principles at stake. Not just from one side of the aisle, but from both. There's a reason it's said that "if a compromise is truly fair, nobody is happy". And you don't DARE compromise on the issues nearest and dearest to your heart”~~Ghost32.

(Ding, Ding)

I never heard the count. I was on my back. I couldn’t hear any music…I think my internal CD player had broken in the fall. Awww...I just bought that...I closed my eyes…

Later that night…

The paparazzi had left and most of the building was silent. A few Hubbers here and there…a couple in the library reading Optimization stuff…a few more up in the “sick animal” hubs taking care of the critters. I believe the kitchen staff had already gone home…Those that I passed in the halls didn’t seem to notice my bruises, bent pride, or the mixed-matched flip-flops. I saw Five One Cows running down the halls randomly touching people on the shoulder…before disappearing through the building. I smiled. I like Five One Cows.

I slipped out a back door of Hub-Ville. There was a cab waiting. It was one of those cool old Checker-types and I piled into the backseat. The driver was cute..I noted her I.D. as I gave her my address…Esmarelda Villalobos…

I couldn’t resist, “Hello Esmarelda Villalobos…my name is Thought Sandwiches.”

“mmmm…hello Thought Sandwiches. What does that name mean?”

“I’m an American honey. Our names don’t mean shit…"

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Comments 40 comments

Ghost32 5 years ago

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude, this is AWESOME!

[*Especially since you make me look SO good!*]

But, guess what my favorite line on the whole page might be? You know, the one I wish I'd written? No?

"Cheese is a phlegmatic mistress."

Now, excuse me while write as if I were you:

===============================================

The newspaper account listed Ghost32's Tale of the Tape, not that I cared anymore. But there it was anyway, for the record:

Height: 5' 11"

Weight at weigh-in: 176

Reach: 72"

Age: 67

Favorite cheese: Swiss

=========================================

Voted Up and literally across the board. I'll be back to read this one many, many times.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Thank you my friend for the inspiration to write it. You, sir, are a writing machine.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

And I missed that you were a Swiss man. That happens to be my favorite, of the casual cheeses...


Ghost32 5 years ago

"Of the casual cheeses...." LOL! I guess that would be precisely correct, with Limburger and a few others being anything but casual. Never thought of it that way.

See? Told you I'd be back!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

lol...and you are always welcome...you may have noted I tidied up the first paragraph...I do that...I tinker. Is it alright if I blue-up the title of your hub...in my hub...so this article links back to the first? Does that make sense? On your earlier comment...yeah...Cheese makes a phlegmatic mistress...It had me giggling through most of the fight. It kind of slowed me down.


Becky 5 years ago

I was reading your conversation yesterday and he had you. You cannot debate with a man on a mission who believes what he says. Ghost is enamored with Sarah and I like her better than anyone else out there. She does have a certain panache, it is called common sense. She gets things done, even if it makes her look bad. Like the short term as governor.

This was hilarious and I enjoyed it. And you are right. The man is a writing machine. I think he is trying for some kind of prolificness award. He has been writing 2 a day for weeks now and I think I caught him with 3 one day. What is really depressing, is that they were all good.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

ahhh...Becky...So you were one of the ones behind the bright lights? You weren't the one who yelled "go back to Berkeley ya dirty commie," were you? lol...you are right tho...ALL his hubs are good! Wtf, over??


Ghost32 5 years ago

Sure, "blue-up" the link all you like!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

As my "blue-up" skills are similar to my boxing skills..we shall see...


Becky 5 years ago

No, I did have to go see where you were and discovered you are in my hometown. I left when all the Californians moved in and mucked it up. Used to be a nice town. Now I get lost and have only been gone for 10 years.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Yes...I would be one of those Californians that done mucked stuff up here...lol...moved here about nine years or so ago. I also did a stint in the mid-west...Chicago...as a young-un.


Ghost32 5 years ago

Californians...Montanans....Pam's and my first-ever lodging together was in Reno, for a couple of months. Just sixty days, but stories to tell. One of the most interesting things in the local newspaper classifieds was a little ad for a meeting of those interested in the Master/slave lifestyle.

Went to the meeting. They were all wannabe wusses.

Looked at a few homes--we were in an apartment, but thinking about buying, maybe. Seemed like every place we looked at had a fence or a wall covered with gang graffiti.

Said the heck with Reno, U-Hauled out, back to my sometimes-stomping ground of South Dakota. Sturgis, no less.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Ghost...I assume this was post-Sputnik? Being from California...we heard the Nevada horror stories about 10 years in prison for a joint...not that I...eh...never mind...probably can't pass that lie off...needless to say...I never thought I would have landed here.

Interesting ad you found there...was it in the Big Nickle?

I had an uncle...(there may be a hub about him at some time) who we called...Crazy Uncle Larry who swore by South Dakota, "South Dakota is a good place to die." he would often say. I always thought the South Dakota Chamber of Commerce needed to work out a new tourist slogan...


Becky 5 years ago

I own a third of a house in Sparks. I wish my sister would hurry up and sell it. I am about to take it to court. My mom died 8 years ago and she still hasn't gotten it on the market. It has lost a lot of value now. The housing problem happened 3 years after mom died. No graffiti there.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

I was going to say...four years ago you could have done something with that house. Nowadays...? Is your sister in occupation...or is it vacant?


Ghost32 5 years ago

Yeah, post-Sputnik. Post-walk-on-the-moon, even.

Don't remember now where I saw the ad, but the Big Nickel sounds right.

We pulled out of South Dakota (from a place 65 miles from Sturgis) in mid-1999, literally one jump ahead of a gang of Sturgis cops on their way to toss our place and--when they found nothing incriminating--drop a dime bag or two so they could run me in. They'd tried to nail me for stuff I hadn't done 'cause they were dumb enough to believe the young buck who was telling them all the dirt on yours truly.

Except there was no dirt. He had an axe to grind due to my having (a) taken him in off the street and (b) tossed him back out on his ear some weeks later for stealing my stuff.

Not all cops--there are some good ones for sure, including two of that force we cosnidered friends, our Sheriff here in Cochise County, and many others--but there's a certain category of cop that absolutely can't stand it when they go to bust you and miss.

A lot like Jose Guerena, only no guns drawn and I'm not dead.


Becky 5 years ago

Vacant, and just sitting there. I am going to have to take her to court to get anything done and then she could lose her part of the inheritance. Se is forcing me to it and I don't want to but she is not taking care of it.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Start by saying...I'm glad you are not dead. Cops...yes...got to have them but I tend towards minding my own business whilst they are tearing into other people's business. It seems as if every time I run into a cop and there is a problem...I'M the one that goes to jail...what the hell...?


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

I'm sorry to hear that Becky...over the last few years a lot of homes and businesses are sitting shuttered and empty around here. If you make it into town to sell the place...we can have coffee!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Roy: I deleted your response for a number of reasons: 1) I wanted to see how it worked and your comment was the perfect one to try it on; 2)The venom in your response is suggestive that, while you may have read my hub, the finer nuances I was trying to get across were utterly lost on you. I apologize for my failure in this regard. As none of your comments were addressed to, either, myself or my hub, I'm not sure what more than I can say?


34th Bomb Group profile image

34th Bomb Group 5 years ago from Western New York State

FANTASTIC!!

Many thanks to Ghost32 for putting me on your path!

Excellent Hub with all the goodies included - satire, humor, truth & a few teensy lies... What more could one ask for?!?

Oh - and I have a vague recollection of Sputnik and was awakened by my very strict parents to come down to watch Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. It was so important to them that they dragged us out of bed to watch it.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

34th~Thanks...Ghost32 is a good man...hella stubborn...good man. I'm glad you were able to see the "match" ...I think it was blacked out on local cable stations! 34th Bomb Group? ...was that your dad's unit? I'm sure the boy's of the 101st were glad to see them over Bastogne once the weather cleared during the Bulge! Very nice to make your acquaintance.


wba108@yahoo.com profile image

wba108@yahoo.com 5 years ago from upstate, NY

Well written,original and humorous, sounds like the Ghost was pretty tough!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

lol...it was an EPIC battle wba! I am certainly glad you enjoyed it!


34th Bomb Group profile image

34th Bomb Group 5 years ago from Western New York State

Yes, Sir it was. While many in my corner of the world make fun of my study and interest in the European War - none of the a-holes have a clue as to what those kids did. (Like - SAVE THE WORLD? With an 80% loss rate? I found myself compelled to have a Unit Flag created and hang it from the front porch on significant days - can't take crazies too seriously or they'll think they've "won.")

It is my pleasure to be introduced to you by the Ghost. Now THAT is one heck of a gentleman!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

34th--I also have an obsession with the "big" war. Kudos on the Unit Flag...true, that...can't make the crazies (from whatever side) think they won...that would be crazy.! I am also glad to make your acquaintance and agree...Ghost is indeed a gent!


PoliticsNOW profile image

PoliticsNOW 5 years ago from New York

LOL I like they way you told the story.

I love to Gamble and I would put down some money on Palin not running. Why would she take a pay cut and actually have to work?


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Politics...I'm very glad you liked my narrative ramblings! Regarding your wager...

(and let me say I WILL bet that my worthy adversary and friend Ghost32 will disagree...That's what we do...we disagree on the things we disagree about while agreeing to the things we agree about. I daresay...if we BOTH agree on something...it MUST be gospel...I will have to ask him. I think it is a healthy relationship)

...on your wager...I'm not sure...she was (largely) a cipher when she was tapped for the role of VP and (IN my opinion Fred) she remains one...personally...I would not mind her running. She fulfills the Constitutional requirements and the run would prove divisive to the Republicans. I like that.

Again...thanks for stopping by and spending some time with my thoughts! Please feel free to come back soon! Oh yeah...thanks for understanding on the button thing, btw. lol.


jhamann profile image

jhamann 5 years ago from Reno NV

We must gather! It will take an army to beat an army!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

jhamann...we have an army...it's called Black Rock City! Thanks for meandering through my boxing match!


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 5 years ago from Alberta and Florida

I feel like I'm crashing a private party. Maybe I am. It wouldn't be the first time.

About Palin, what if she ran? What if she was elected? What if she got a better offer halfway through?


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Immartin...eh...I spend half my time crashing parties and the other half getting thrown out of parties I've been invited to...it's all good! I'm certainly glad you made it to mine here! As a determined just-right-of-center member of the Democratic party...my hope is that she will run...and will then lose in the general election.

Regarding your second statement...I would sure want to know who her VP pick would be...you know...the president for the second half of her term. Thanks for stopping by and your wonderful comments!


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland

Oh I never know where you will end up - this is brilliant and funny...yes, those are two different things.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Ardie...

It is best to set your GPS thing when you go into one of these stories...a matter of keeping your bearings, really. I will happily accept funny and I am going to put "brilliant" in a glass case...I ain't never got one of those before!

Thanks for the Read!

Thomas


grinnin1 profile image

grinnin1 4 years ago from st louis,mo

Whoa- about to go to sleep but I'm up after that exhausting round. And your cheese humor is great. Voted up hilarious and I'm going to look for the Ghost guy- Thanks!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

grinnin1...

I DO apologize for the interruption of any sleep...I value sleep greatly! I'm glad you appreciate my cheese humor...I just find writing the word 'cheese' to be enjoyable...I try and fit it in as I can!

Say Hi to Ghost32 for me!

Thanks for the stop!

Thomas


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

OMG this is funny! You are the master! I bow to your superior sense of humor. I need to share this with Bev so she can have sore ribs like I now do. Great hub Thomas!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Billy,

I have found that when it comes to politics these days...one MUST exhibit a sense of humor. To not invites metal breakdown and insanity. The rise of the Tea Party would suggest humor is dead...lol.

Thank you for taking a look at this and I'm glad you liked it. I certainly hope Bev enjoys it as well!

Thomas


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Oh, she will, and I echo your thoughts about the Tea Party! :)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Billy,

I recently entered a political hub and became embroiled in a brew-ha-ha that FULLY reminded me of why I don't go into political hubs anymore. That said, maybe it's time to do something similar to this...with that. lol...I will certainly let you (and Bev) know if I do !

Thomas

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