Police Officer Pulled You Over- Dos and Don'ts

Protocol to Consider...

Some Things to Avoid in this Scenario

While there is no question that a considerable majority of people detest being pulled over by a police officer, it appears the moment seems virtually unavoidable. If you ask around through all the people you know, chances are the amount who have never been pulled over by a cop will be a small percentage. Sure, those who aren’t old enough to drive will claim complete ignorance on the subject, as well as those who do not own nor have ever owned a car. But it is safe to say the vast majority of people we all know have endured this awkward moment at least once.

Because the occurrence is common, yet always awkward, a certain protocol is in play. First of all, the officer’s status as an officer places them in unquestionable charge of the situation, so acting difficult or testy is not recommended. Most people know this and they’re quite cooperative when asked for the obligatory license, registration, and proof of insurance. Most motorists pulled over recognize this as a time to be quiet and humble, often with the tendency to nod a lot. But there are seven things many people rarely take into consideration when faced with this situation, so it seems appropriate they be mentioned now, before it’s too late and someone ends up nursing Tazer burns while waiting to be booked.

Seeing the moment as an opportunity to sell beauty products, vitamins, or concentrated cleaners

While there is no question that most officers are, by nature, healthy, attractive, and fastidious, they also tend to focus on the subject at hand. Rarely will an officer pull over a motorist primarily because of the product advertisement emblazoned on the vehicle’s rearview window unless they believe the decal or sign is impeding the driver’s vision. Therefore, these examples are illustrations of moments to avoid…

“Can I see your driver’s license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance?”

“You sure can, officer, and I would also like to take this opportunity to show you our latest stain remover, which comes in this-“

“Are you trying to say I have jelly stains on my uniform?”

“What? Oh, no. But if those pesky stains-“

You see, Tazer burns are often preceded by a momentary loss of consciousness during the actual administering of the jolt, which could cause a motorist to convulse enough to knock the car into drive or release the brake, and then things just spiral down from there. If that example is unclear, take a gander at this:

“Can I see your driver’s license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance?”

You sure can, officer, and I would also like to take this opportunity to show you our new fragrance-“

Now, since many officers tend to be jumpy, what with incidences of violence against officers being so likely these days, they could interpret a bottle of fluid with a pump spray on top of the decorative bottle as a nonlethal weapon, like pepper spray. So, while you’re hoping to demonstrate the aromatic quality of Eau d’Posies, now in a luxuriant atomizer while supplies last, you could end up with a face-full of pepper spray, which could cause many natural cosmetic covers and blushes to run, thereby distracting from the eye-catching highlights in one’s hair. Further, any sudden abdominal distress caused by the pepper spray could force a salesperson to contact the distributor and request a new supply of automotive upholstery cleaner and deodorizer. This should be avoided, particularly by motorists who wear tweed.

Talking baby talk

Just so you know, all new parents adore talking to their wee ones in their best baby-talk voice. It is just precious and often soothing for colicky babies. But when addressing a police officer approaching your vehicle after having you pulled over in such a voice is less than ideal. Please take into consideration the following example.

“Can I see your driver’s license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance?”

“Ohhhh, does the iddy biddy coppy wanna see my wicense and stuuuuufff? Ohhhh, ohhhh, you are just the most preciousestest of cutie pies, like everrrr-“

Okay, do you see how the tone, the inflection, and the drawing out of certain vowels causes the officer to use a Tazer and then, should the officer find objection with the perceived lisping, follow through with a series of heavy strikes with a nightstick? Again, please notice how the sudden loss of motor skills, bladder control, and then the swelling about the face, head and neck are not conducive to safe driving and that these symptoms can actually divert one’s attention from the road and other traffic conditions.

Communicating by imitating the voices and mannerisms of famous celebrities

We all simply love this sort of thing at the comedy clubs, don’t we? To see Kevin Pollack or other comedians do this for the entertainment of an audience is really a thrill, and a great laugh, let me tell you! Oh yeah, now that we all have it in mind, there’s no doubt we’re all laughing to the memory of our favorite celebrity imitation right this second. But turning the frown upside down is a daunting challenge when attempting such hilarity with an officer who just pulled you over. Observe…

“May I see your driver’s license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance?” (Notice how the officer will likely state this request in a natural, common and personal voice, with no intended or artificial nuance?)

“Why, uh, certainly officer. I, uh, believe I have my driver’s license, uh, vehicle registration and, uh, proof of insurance, uhhh, right here in the glove compartment,” you might say in your best George W. Bush impersonation.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I think…you pulled me over because you, an observant officer of the law, saw me, speeding, back there, right through that traffic light,” you say in your favorite Captain Kirk/ William Shatner voice.

“Are you trying to be funny with me?”

Many who have made it this far without waking up to a sore Tazer burn in the center of the chest rarely get to the Joe Pesci impersonation, but when they do…ewww…

Trying to change the subject

This might be a ploy pursued by your lawyer in traffic court, but when you’ve just been pulled over and an officer is being very specific in regards to requests, demands, and infractions committed by you, it is a good idea to stick with the issues of the moment rather than attempting to distract the officer with the hopes of getting said officer to forget why he’s standing next to your car while on the side of the road. Sure, this clever ploy may work for some officers, but since you don’t know which ones this will work with and which ones it’ll anger, safety is the key. Please take notice as we demonstrate:

“May I please see your driver’s license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance?”

“Certainly, officer. I have those things right here in the glove box,” you might say, and then after a significant pause, continue forth with, “and wow, now that I’m looking around in here, I just found that Top-Ten Best Chili Recipe Cookbook I’ve been looking for! Say officer, how do you like your chili? For me, I think a rich, thick, meaty yet spicy chili is best, don’t you?”

“I just need to see the documents I requested, please.”

“The what? Oh! Yes, the license and stuff. Yes, I’ll find those now. You know, I can’t help but to notice how clean and shiny your cruiser is today. Do you use a wax or do you prefer one of the newer versions of car shine, often giving that sparkle and luster with a high-grade polymer, lasting for one full year?”

“If you cannot produce the documents I requested, I must inform you that I will be forced to take further action.”

“I do understand your situation, officer, and I was hoping I could help by demonstrating this new automotive upholstery cleaner!”

Umm, perhaps that wasn’t the way you intended to demonstrate the cleaner, but there you go…

Offering obviously fake Confucius quotes and philosophies

Like many philosophical quotes from great minds of historical lore, most of us have no fricken idea if any of that crap was actually said or not. So, while there is a good chance that the average officer does not have a PhD in Philosophy, it’s still doubtful the average motorist would baffle the officer with loquacious yet spurious quotes from Far Eastern philosophers of eons past. If you’ll take notice…

“May I please see your driver’s license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance?”

“Certainly, officer, if you think you should. But you know, Confucius say, ‘Officers of the law must always contemplate the wisdom of their actions for at least one full day.’ If you like, officer, I can drive through this way at this time tomorrow.”

“I just need the documents I requested, if you please.”

“Why, yes officer. Absolutely and most certainly, sir. But as I’m sure you know, Confucius say, ‘He who does not exhibit patience when demanding results quite often receives no results at all.’ So maybe you should adjust your attitude or…

To sum up the point, Confucius say, “Do what the officer tells you to do and be snappy about it or nurse your Tazer burns while waiting for someone to bail you out of jail before Guido has his way with you yet one more time.”

Undergoing Plastic Surgery to Resemble a Local Police Officer

At first glance, this approach to avoiding tickets, traffic infractions and the subsequent points on the license, perhaps even the suspension of that license, may seem like the shazam of all wondrous ideas. After all, we’ve all heard the stories about how police officers cover for each other regardless of the severity of the situation and how many were maimed. We’ve heard how a police officer has pulled someone over for a rather serious violation such as blazing through a school zone, just to discover the infraction was committed by another officer and then swept away as though it never happened. Thus, the logical mind would assume it would make perfect sense to look just like an officer all the local cops know and such modifications would be the fast-track to everlasting freedom.

Confucius say, “What a crock.”

There are simply too many things that can go awry when one attempts this elaborate and costly stunt. Please take notice:

“May I see your driver’s license, registration and proof of…hey! Who are you and why do you look exactly like me?”

Yeah, even Confucius is at a loss here. Sure, you could go with the whole, ‘You’re going to be abducted by aliens within the hour and they’re…”

Let me point out right now that this only digs the hole deeper and before you know it, you’re in a situation far beyond the mere fine and three points. Further, how about this…

“May I see your driver’s license and, oh, it’s you.”

In this particular case it would be beneficial to know who the officer is, off duty as well as on the job, so you don’t end up with Tazer burns and severe injuries due to blunt force trauma, simply because you didn’t do your homework and ended up looking just like the officer who has an undue affinity for the wives and daughters of all the other officers. We recognize the odds are low, but that isn’t the only awkward scenario. Observe:

“Oh, it’s just you, Bob. Hey, Joe and Doug did just like you said, so everyone’s pretty sure the bodies will never be found and all the evidence is secured to an unrelated case. Not only that, but should anything leak, all the evidence frames Billy like a new suit! It’s actually really funny when…you…think…Bob? When did you get a car like this? And now that I’m on the subject, how did you manage to grow a brand new left pinkie, Bob?”

Confucius say, “Awww Hell, Bob.”

The Old, ‘I was abducted by aliens but somehow ended up here’ Trick

While you wouldn’t think so, it turns out most officers see this little scam perpetrated almost daily. They pull someone over and all too often end up with a scenario similar to this-

“Oh, my God, officer of the law! I’ve been abducted by aliens from another dimension and they held me prisoner for so long, probing me and doing things, and to make matters worse, they beamed me into this otherwise unmanned but out-of-control vehicle blazing headlong through this school zone! Oh, help me, officer! Help me for the love of humanity and our planet’s safety!”

Don’t be surprised if the officer of the law rolls his eyes and says, “Okay, I’ll get Scully and Mulder on that right away. But in the meantime, show me your driver’s license, registration and proof of insurance.”

Okay, do you recognize the lack of enthusiasm in the officer’s voice, hinting that they’ve been at this more times than you could shake a stick at? Oh, but there could be more…

“What? You’ve been abducted by aliens from another dimension? You, too? You’re like the eightieth one this week! But not to worry, as I know just what to do about that. Please, just carefully step out of the car and I’ll make this all better.”

Periodically, as you phase in and out of consciousness, you’ll hear snippets and claims made by the officer and then by all the other officers who might eventually show up on the scene. You’ll hear comments such as, “Now, while we recognize this seems harsh, repeated Tazer applications help with eliminating the alien spyware installed in your body. The high voltage as well as all the heavy kicks and stomps to your head, neck, and chest regions help neutralize all the alien probes implanted throughout your brain and buttocks regions. So you do your best to hold still while we act all neighborly and work to dislodge those probes from your various orifices.

“We know this may seem unpleasant now, but these probes are designed to seek information about concentrated cleaners, comedians, beauty products and the Way of Confucius. Just hold still and allow us to do our job and you’ll be right as rain by the holidays.”

Yes, you’re bound to hear a few other things, such as metal on bone and the hum of voltage, but just keep your eye on the prize and never let on that yours was a BS ruse and you just might get out of this with no fines or tickets. As for reconstructive surgery? Well…

But you might hear one officer say, “Confucius say that only extreme agony removes alien technology from the goobers of this world who are hypnotized to tell dumb stories.”

Look, the point is that this clever ploy once freed numerous people from the reach of the long arm of the law, but the hand’s been played all too often and rarely comes to any good these days. To further the point, we recommend you avoid this worn out tactic. Sure, out of the seven outlined this is the best bet, but still tried too much.

So, there it is, boys and girls. I’m here to help you avoid those annoying tickets and years in incarceration and traction, so keep these points in mind. Or better yet, write them down on 3x5 cards and affix them to your dashboard where you can see them clearly (just make sure the officer at your door cannot see them quite so well). We wish you safe and happy motoring and the fewest tickets possible.


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