You Political Party Animal

Political Party Gear

I have spent hours finding you the best political party animal stuff from all over the world.They will make you sexier, smarter, and happier than you have ever been. They are the best products you will ever find and they are the most affordable. This is what I promise to you the American people.

If I fail to live up to this promise, well, I'm not as bad as the other guy. Give me another shot. With your support, I promise to do better next time. God bless America.

Dancing Elephant and Donkey Sweatshirt

Dancing Party Animals Sweatshirt
Dancing Party Animals Sweatshirt

Party Animals Shirt

The Republican elephant and Democratic donkey playing nice before moshing season. I self-title this one "Bailouts".

Sweatshirt $42.20 as shown
289g, 90/10 cotton-poly blend with a 100% cotton face
Design also available on different colored t shirt, sweatshirt, magnet, apron

Libertarian Party Animal

Libertarian Party Animal T-shirt
Libertarian Party Animal T-shirt

Libertarian Party Animal

It's either a porcupine or a hedgehog. Either way, I think the message is, don't mess with us or we'll stick you. Unless it's a skunk ,which will stink you. OH SNAP! You see what I did there? High five! (sorry)

$18 Libertarian tshirt available on white
100% Super Soft Pre-Shrunk Cotton
Heavyweight

Duck Party Hat

Duck Party Hat
Duck Party Hat

Duck Party Hat

I include this one because I feel sorry for him. How many ducks have a pinhead and two legs attached to one foot?


$16.40 design available on different colored hats
(not supposed to overlink, go to Zazzle for the hat)

Rino Rhino Mouse Pad

Rino Rhino Political Mouse Pad
Rino Rhino Political Mouse Pad

Rino Rhino Mouse Pad

In my best Michael Clarke Duncan "Rino, ma'am. Like the animal...only not spelt the same." Republican in name only. A Republican who thinks independently? Or a conservative turncoat? Beats me, but I'll bet John McCain has had a few of these sent to his office.

$12.05
9.25" x 7.75"
(not supposed to overlink, go to Zazzle for the mouse pad)

Penguin Party Stickers

Penguin Party Political Sticker
Penguin Party Political Sticker

Penguin Party Stickers

I take these to the zoo and stick them on the glass. They hate that, but it makes the animals feel better.

$5.45 for 20
1 1/2" in diameter
Scratch-resistant front, easy peel-and-stick back.
(not supposed to overlink, go to Zazzle for the stickers)

Raptor Party T-shirt

Velociraptor Party Political T-shirt
Velociraptor Party Political T-shirt

Raptor Party T-shirt

Join the Velociraptor Party. We hunt in PACs.

$14.99
Gildan, available on different colors, men's and women's

Republican Democrat Flip Flops

Democratic Party Flip Flops
Democratic Party Flip Flops
Republican Party Flip Flops
Republican Party Flip Flops

Republican Democrat Flip Flops

As you know, there is no greater sin in American politics than changing your mind on an issue. So what better way of accusing someone of flip flopping on an issue than by sending them flip flops?

I can't find them online anymore. If someone makes them again, let me know and I'll link to them.

Serious Political Question

Which would make the best political party animal?

  • A workaholic ant that knows its place
  • A sloth that's hard to look at and doesn't do anything
  • A kitten who is cute as a button but claws you from time to time
  • A robot that makes all decisions based on cold hard logic and reason
See results without voting

How to Win Any Political Debate

Debate Strategies

The winning modes in any debate are offense and offense. Defense is a loser, as is offensive offense. A defense-offense works, and the offense-defense is the last defense provided the candidate is not on the fence.

Slinging. Slinging is when a candidate talks about their opponent or their opponent's policies or family. Speak of Hitler, Pol Pot, Manson.

Shoveling. Shoveling is when a candidate talks about themselves, their family, or their policies. Speak of Jesus, puppies, orphanages.

Psychological warfare. Before the debate give your opponent a cryptic nonsensical message "Tuesday night dumps are fair game." While debating, use sporadic gestures, whisper obscenities, poke them under the table, wink, grunt, yelp.

Challengers gain gravitas just by being on the same stage. To combat this, incumbents should display indifference. Show up late. Read a newspaper while opponent is speaking. Perhaps ignore them altogether "Did you hear something?"

voter attention span, speech, cheering, inattentive
voter attention span, speech, cheering, inattentive

Research. During debate prep, do not teach candidates to understand issues or events. Sit them down and persuade them that they are the right person for the job. You cannot teach Middle East policy in a month, but in 1 day you can convince a candidate that they are the solution.

As citizens become dumber, confident ignorance is more persuasive than reserved intelligence. When confronted with a superior argument, react with disgusted astonishment and further assert your position with enhanced facts.

Speech patterns. When making up statistics quicken your words per minute. Cough or sneeze over details. To win the urban vote, done butcher proper English. For the southern vote, speak with a ping pong ball in your mouth. On foreign policy, switch languages altogether. "Her policy is profoundly dangerous. As the Angolans say, trata-se de um dia agradável para uma caminhada."

Emergencies. If you haven't been paying attention but it's your turn to speak, use a prepared comeback. "None of this matters because my opponent is cutting Medicare". "Tell that to the brave firefighter or to the elementary school teacher who struggles every day..." and continue onto a topic of your choosing. If necessary, feign-the-faint, which is when a losing candidate fakes an injury or illness during a debate.

true scotsman, debate team, t-shirt, black
true scotsman, debate team, t-shirt, black

Ready to test your skills? Audition for the True Scotsman Debate Team, techniques so advanced that no real candidate would even run against you.

More written nonsense here, where I solve the energy crisis. Thanks for reading.

What are your thoughts on politics?

  • Breath it, live it, love it
  • I do my best, but there's more to life
  • The rent really is too damn high
  • P- p- p- poker face. P- p- p- poker face
See results without voting

More by this Author


Click to Rate This Article
working