Republican Guide to Stealing Elections

September 02, 2012

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It's hard being a one-percenter—even harder being a one-percenter politician, when all you really want to do is sit around sipping champagne and counting your money, but you have to periodically go out and actually win elections...

That's not an easy thing to do. Especially when you don't actually do anything for the people you need to vote for you, and in many cases do lots of things that are bad for them.

Even after you turned corporations into people and removed all restrictions from their money being able to influence elections and policies, it is still surprisingly difficult to convince the ignorant masses that they are in fact ignorant masses, who would be unable to do anything but lie around in pools of their own drool if it wasn't for your inspired designs and wondrous visions. Do not fret though. There's no reason to get your cravat all twisted up. There is a simple solution: cheat.

Voter ID legislation

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This strategy is so easy to implement you will be amazed. All you have to do is use your control over the media to plant and spread ridiculous rumors in order to create a problem that doesn't exist. Don't worry about not having evidence or about how ridiculous the stories are. Tell them that zombies are rising from the ground and voting in elections. They'll believe it. They are after all the ignorant masses.

If they need more convincing, fall back on the invasion of the immigrant hordes story. That's always a good one. Tell them about how these dangerous backwards invaders are sneaking into our country, destroying our economy, stealing our wealth, and diluting our proud cultural heritage. Back in the day we would have also said they are raping our daughters, but even we can't get away—wait, whats' that—oh, I guess we can.

Hold on a minute. “ROSA!...ROSA!” Dammit, you'd think with only having to watch 4 kids, clean the house, do the laundry, and cook dinner, she'd be able to answer the damn door. “Yes, what is it?” [mumbling] “What?” [more mumbling]. “HECTOR!” I motion for him to cut-off the lawnmower, so I can hear the woman at the door. “Nine Forty Two,” she says in broken English. I hand her a ten and take my dry-cleaning from her. “Gracias,” Shut the door. So, what was I saying? Oh, ya, damn Mexicans, destroying our country, ruining our economy. Works every time.

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Purge Voter Rolls

This one is not only useful, it is actually a lot of fun. In fact, me and a lot of my buddies sit around sometimes and do it just for giggles. The way it works is you get a hold of a voter registration roll and then search through it to find names that you guess would be Democratic voters, then you try and see if there is something suspicious about them and report them to the election commision. How do you choose which names to pull? Well, in some cases it can be pretty difficult, but something like Martinez is of course fairly obvious. Black names are tough since they no longer have their African names. Did you know that some of the blackest names in America are Washington and Jefferson? Ironic isn't it. The beauty of this strategy is that all it requires is a sympathetic administration (like Rick Scott in Florida). With the right administration, legality and accuracy are optional.

Block Voter Registration Efforts

Andrew Breitbart CPAC 2012. CC:BY-SA
Andrew Breitbart CPAC 2012. CC:BY-SA | Source

First of all, lets all kneel down and pray to our Breitbart statues, "long may he live in Republican heaven," and while we are at it give praise to the amazing James 'Pimpdaddy' O'Keefe who, with a camera pulled out of a Cracker Jack box, brought down ACORN, "cursed be their name." O'Keefe's accomplishments are a perfect example of what can be done without having any talent or truth.

Blocking voter registrations is a critical component of any voter suppression effort. Disproportionately, minorities are less likely to be registered to vote—37 percent of blacks and 48 percent of Hispanics—compared to the 25 percent of the total population. If that doesn't scare the color out of you than nothing will. Taking out ACORN was a significant victory, but there are still many other organizations doing this sort of work.

In the absence of an O'Keefe sting operation, these organizations can be attacked by increasing the requirements they need to meet—extra training requirements is an example. Florida tried to require third party organizations to publicly list names and addresses of anyone registering voters for them. For now the ninnies in the courts have blocked this perfectly reasonable intimidation tactic. Much more effectively, Florida added a requirement that voter registration organizations turn over their collected forms within 48 hours. The courts have overruled this requirement as well, but it did shut down the registration efforts of Rock the Vote and the League of Women Voters for a year. Nice work Florida.

Block Early Voting

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Democrats and minorities seem to vote early more than other groups, so any restrictions to early voting are a good thing. Of particular concern is the Sunday before the election when particularly strong efforts by religious groups encourage voting after church services. In Florida, in 2008, over half of all voters on that Sunday were minorities. Yikes!

Eliminating this Sunday in particular is therefore especially important. If necessary, say these changes are being implemented to reduce costs. Does it make sense from a cost perspective to reduce a busy weekend day from a week day? No, of course not, but let's be honest, there isn't anyone left in the media who would actually point that out.

When In Doubt, Shoot 'em

J.T. Ready. Former vigilante border guard.
J.T. Ready. Former vigilante border guard. | Source

Some inspiring young men have proposed and are attempting to implement a new law in Florida to protect our polls. The law would say this:

If you are a legal gun owner in the state of Florida and you suspect someone on Election Day is committing voter fraud you can shoot him or her with your licensed weapon and not be charged with a crime.

Is this some sort of a joke? Who cares. I love theses guys.

Another inspiring figure, J.T. ready, is shown in the photo above. He too was just an ordinary citizen who took it upon himself to pick up a gun and defend this great nation. The fact that he went crazy and shot his girlfriend, his girlfriend's daughter and her boyfriend and baby, and then himself doesn't diminish from his courageous efforts to protect our borders from the immigrant hordes.

Five Word Summary

Do what Florida is doing.

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Comments 8 comments

HSchneider 4 years ago from Parsippany, New Jersey

Very amusing, Junkseller, and all too true. The Republicans and the Koch Brothers saw the demographics going against them in 2008. Then they created this and other voter supression plans via the Kochs ALEC policy writing arm. Voila! They are now able to steal the elections they rightfully believe to be theirs. Don't forget that they also engineered the Citizens United case so they now have unlimited campaign funds. Remember, corporations are people too..... NOT! Great article.


William Young profile image

William Young 4 years ago from Eaglle Grove, Iowa

That was a great article, Junkseller, I really enjoyed reading it. I had a good laugh and it made my night. It was the best fiction I've read all week. By the way, while I admit, that super spy kid that sneaked into Acorn with his hidden camera was a little goofy, I'll grant you that. But Acorn is an absolutely disgusting, corrupt and despicable organization, and any attempt to defend them is absurd. But again, I sure enjoyed reading your Hub! I look forward to more soon!


junkseller profile image

junkseller 4 years ago from Michigan Author

@HSchneider - If I were a Republican looking at the demographics, I'd be freaking out. 92 percent of the population growth from 2000-2010 was in minority populations. Pretty soon, it will seem kind of weird to call Hispanics minorities.

What's interesting is if the GOP actually tried, they could probably do a decent job of courting Hispanics. They tend to be strong Christians and often are pro-traditional families, so value-wise might actually be more in-line with them. Just in terms of strategy, that would make more sense than demonizing them. Yet instead of expanding their tent they seem to be restricting it. Even snubbed Ron Paul. Don't see how they survive much longer with that strategy.

Right you are about Citizen's United. I threw in a one-liner about it in the intro.

Thanks for reading.


junkseller profile image

junkseller 4 years ago from Michigan Author

@William Young - I consider satire to be an important component of any diet. Of course satire should have some truth to it--and this does. 180 bills in 41 states since 2011 isn't fiction.

I hear lots of terrible things about ACORN. But it seems like one of those things that you hear a lot about, but don't really see very good evidence of. I'm always pretty skeptical about things that have that high a disparity between noise and evidence (kind of like in-person voter fraud). At any rate, the worst actual thing discovered by O'Keefe was some poorly trained employees, but if we were to shut down organizations just for having poorly trained employees, we wouldn't have any corporations left.

Does that mean ACORN wasn't a terrible organization? Not necessarily. I have a hard time believing they were as terrible as you think they were, but maybe they had some serious faults (they may also have done a lot of good). Either way, I think they should be impugned with legitimate evidence, not O'Keefe's amateur hour.

Thanks for reading. I hope you actually did get a laugh (though you may have been being sarcastic, which I guess I'd deserve considering my own snarkiness), but it is better to laugh and disagree than to not-laugh and disagree.


William Young profile image

William Young 4 years ago from Eaglle Grove, Iowa

No Snarkyness or Sarcasm intended, Junkseller. I thought your article was very well written. I don't mind poking a little fun at the Republicans, sometimes they are crying out to be made fun of. As far as your point about 181 bills in 41 states, I'm not sure what that means unless you're referring to the Democrats instinctive need to tax and legislate their way out of all of our nations problems. As for Acorn, you mentioned that you've seen no evidence that they are a corrupt oganization? Okay, always happy to enlighten someone. Between August of 2008 and May of 2009, 13 Acorn workers in Washington State and Pennsylvania were convicted of Voter Fraud. They were reporting the same peoples names multiple times--people who had already been registered to vote. In 2009 in Las Vegas, Acorn Field Director Amy Busefink and Acorn Official Christopher Edwards plead guilty to "Conspiracy to commit the Crime of Compensation for Registration of Voters", a felony in Nevada. An Acorn worker was recorded on video giving advice to some people on how they can avoid taxes and detention by law enforcement so that they can engage in child prostitution and human smuggling in a residential neighborhood without getting caught. That was the James O'Keefe undercover video that you referred to. And while I found O'Keefe to be somewhat of a strange duck, it is a common liberal tactic to demonize those who shine the light on corruption. The reason why liberals do that is because liberals have ENDLESS sympathy and compassion for people who do illegal, disgusting and immoral things. Dale Rathke, the brother of Acorn's founder Wade Rathke embezzled $948,607 from the organization (keep in mind that Acorn had been receiving a ton of tax payer money from the federal government). When Wade Rathke learned of the embezzlement, he handled it as an "internal matter" and it was never reported to law enforcement. The embezzlement of tax payer money is NOT an internal matter. After all of this nonsense, lawmakers on BOTH sides of the aisle voted to de-fund Acorn, and thank God for that. So if you've never seen ANY evidence of Acorn corruption, I'm happy to educate you. All these incidents are a matter of public record. Anyone can access them. Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that no Republican has ever tried to steal an election, but if you think that Democrats haven't been doing this for years, then perhaps you're not familiar with things like Tammany Hall in New York and even the Senatorial election of 1954 in Texas when a young Congressman named Lyndon Johnson stuffed ballot boxes in order to win. And then, of course, the Democrats always have Chicago. There's no chance that anything corrupt ever happened in an election in Chicago, right?

Thank you, your honor, I have nothing further...

Your witness, Junkseller


junkseller profile image

junkseller 4 years ago from Michigan Author

I know more about O'Keefe than I do ACORN. His videos related to ACORN were investigated by many different groups (GAO, CRS, New York and California AGs, and an independent review by Proskauer Rose). All concluded that nothing done by ACORN rose to the level of criminality and that O'Keefe's video was highly and intentionally deceptive and heavily edited/cherry-picked, so I don't really grant any value to it at all. Seems clear it was slander rather than journalism.

As for the rest, I know that stuff is there, I just haven't taken any time to really examine it. Since they no longer exist it just doesn't really seem worth the time anymore, so in general I don't really defend or attack them. I do however attack O'Keefe. He is a fink.

I don't doubt there is funny stuff going on all over the place (on both sides), but I think that in-person voter fraud is by far the least of our worries. Bigger problems include our supposedly 'secure' voting machines, our poorly maintained voter rolls, partisan control over the electoral process, and really the entire system which seems rife with opportunities for simple mistakes to be made.

Most of the fraud that happens and is pointed out by people, has nothing to do with in-person voter fraud and won't be solved by Voter ID laws. If someone really wanted to cheat an election, they wouldn't use in-person fraud, they'd stuff ballots, rig machines, gerrymander, etc.

The 180 bills refers to legislation introduced, mostly by Republicans, to enact Voter ID laws, proof of citizenship requirements, restrict early voting, or restrict voter registration efforts. Not all have been passed, of course, but it still represents a significant and coordinated effort.


Jackie Lynnley profile image

Jackie Lynnley 4 years ago from The Beautiful South

I say two wrongs don't make a right and I won't do that again.


suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 4 years ago from Taos, NM

Funny but sadly true article. W stole the election in 2004 and the Republicans are taking ideas from his playbook. Nothing is sacred anymore.

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